What do I do when my father threatens to hit my mother, calls her hurtful names and insists she is having an affair?

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What do I do when my father threatens to hit my mother, calls her hurtful names and insists she is having an affair?

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Latelyy my father was taking Loritab for pain. One night he went into a violent rage and we ended up having him admitted to the hospital. The doctors took him off Loritab and all was well for abou 3 weeks. He has lashed out agin at my mother accusing her of running a prostitue ring and has threathen to kill her. We have removed all guns and knives form the house. He remembers what he has said to my mother, but he really believes my mother is running an illegal business. He gets mad at me when I try to talk to him and accusing my mother of telling me everything. He gets violent and my mother strats crying and this seems to make him worse.

What can I do to help my dad? Is there a psychotic drug available? He is on several medications for his heart. When he is in his 'right mind', he is great to be around...

Family Caregiver

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I agree with "alwayslearning". During my FIL's decent into dementia I was astounded by how little attention was being given to the drastic changes in his cognitive abilities. If he'd had a sudden, enormous spike in his blood pressure or heart rate, they all would have come running to the room and stayed until it was resolved. However, when he went from fully lucid to frighteningly delusional over a period of a few days, it was barely noted and there was no plan to address it until our whole family badgered every doctor and nurse. Don't trust that your father's doctors will view his emotional and mental status as important. For most people, being 'of sound mind' is the most important thing, unfortunately, for most medical professionals it barely makes the top ten list! Advocate for getting to the cause of his aggression. Make it clear to his doctor that it is his family's primary concern right now and insist that, if necessary, his other health issues take a back seat until it's resolved.
Above all, be careful. I know of a case where a formerly loving husband became agitated and verbally abusive to his wife. It escalated over a period of months, but no one thought he was capable of physically abusing her. He, too, was such a nice person when lucid. But, one day, he flew off the handle over some innocent comment his wife made and he struck her with his cane and knocked her to the ground. She broke her hip and recovery was long and difficult. Never assume that your father wouldn't be dangerous to your mom or you. When he's not of right mind he is not the father you trust.

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Yes, patience, love and understanding will help you remember that it's his illness not his essential nature that's driving this behavior, and also help you think of ways to identify his unmet needs and other triggers. But you gotta actually be ALIVE to pull those off, so let's put some more emphasis on keeping yourself and your mom unhurt when he loses it. You did well to take out of the house as much as you can that could be used as a weapon, but also make sure you and your mom never let yourselves be cornered, have a cell phone on your person at all times, like that. It might be a good idea to get one of those alarm systems for elderly people and put it on your MOM, so she can call for help quickly, if your dad suddenly flies off the handle. Wrap your heads around the reality that something is up, and that you might need help physically subduing him at some point. You don't have to blame or hate him for that, you can be totally committed to resolving the underlying issue or addressing the very real frustration that he is feeling, but in the moment you may have a crisis to get through unhurt, and that's one of the times to call the police. Second: you didn't actually mention Alzheimer's. From what you've written, it's very clear that something chemical is going on, but it's not as clear that you have a working diagnosis. Is there a doctor who has an overview of all the medications your father is on? Medications can unquestionably cause behavioral change and, shockingly often, the doctor(s) are not paying full attention to this. Even more shocking, doctors are often too focused on what drugs are supposed to do to absorb all the possibilities for what they might also do on the side. They say outright "it shouldn't do such-and-such" when that very such-and-such is listed in the fine print on the drug's website or mentioned by users in internet forums. At the same time, internal chemical changes (from Alzheimer's as just one example) can cause behavior issues that are then perhaps helped by medication, but it doesn't sound like you have a comprehensive working diagnosis. So you need to take a two-pronged approach: actively enlist his doctors in understanding what's going on, and dig online for info about the medications your father is already on (ask pharmacists, too). Third, of course it doesn't help your dad's mounting sense of agitation when your mom starts crying, and of course she has good reason to start crying! She's frightened in the moment, horrified at what she has lost, scared for the future, and probably feeling pretty powerless. So both of you have to step up to a new realization of what you're dealing with, and take on the mantle of consciousness and competence in a really difficult situation. That includes acknowledging what you can and cannot do and getting help for the stuff you can't.

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I would not underestimate the abuse angle. Hind site is 20/20, but we have to act in the now. I imagine it is hurtful to your mother more than anything. I would seriously consider separating the 2 until you find answers. I would hate to have something happen and then regret not doing something different. The emotional damage is the worst too.... Get one of them out of the situation until you can get this under control. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

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A few comments.

First, this is not "general age-related decline." Poor Dad has something seriously wrong. I'd guess dementia, but I don't even play a doctor on tv! A profesional diagnosis is needed.

Second, while this behavior may indeed stem from an "unmet need," it is very unlikely that you or your mother will be able to determine what that need is and meet it while Dad is waving a cane over your head, or grabbing at your throat. It is CRITICAL that you take steps to protect yourselves.Reread what alwayslearning and IsntEasy wrote. Some really good advice there! People in this kind of rage do not realize their own strength, and also inability to understand consequences make this a dangerous situation.

Next, do keep in mind that this is Not Your Fault. Love and patience and understanding are indeed important. But Dad's behavior is not a result of a lack of love or patience or understanding. Dad's behavior is not under your control and even influencing it may be very difficult to impossible when he is in one of his violent moods.

Also, if this is dementia it may be temporary, and perhaps it will be replaced by other behaviors. But you all have to survive this phase first! Do not try to wait it out, witout getting medical help and taking appropriate steps to protect yourselves.

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LindaS453, if this situation isn't a crisis, what is? What are you all waiting for? A serious injury?

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I would take him to his doctor, describe his behaviors and let his doctor recommend something. He's unsafe to be around during those times and many times, medication works miracles..let the doc know!

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My husband treated me like this for a period of a couple of months. He had to be hospitalized a couple of times too. He was horrible to me. Serequel has helped his behavior along with therepy.... Thank God.

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This is frightening! First, had your dad been diagnosed with dementia? Has he had a urine analysis? A urinary tract infection, commonly known as a UTI, will cause such behavior. Be sure to have these both checked. My husband swung at me when he had a UTI. Later, when he was better, he couldn't believe his threatening behavior. Also, plan ahead. If he has dementia, and if his violent behavior repeats, you absolutely need to start looking for placement in a nursing facility for him. Check your city's Agency for the Aging to learn what is available. Do not wait. Tell your mom to avoid being in the same room with Dad until all this is settled. Give her a hug for me, too.
Corinne
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Once the hitting starts, I wouldn't wait. I would get him into a facility.

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Have you gotten a call from them yet?

It sounds as though what might help is an inpatient psychiatric evaluation and medication adjustment. This way, doctors who are experienced in dealing with these sorts of issues can sort out what works for his situation.

I would not wait. You know how they say e0% of caregivers die before their charges do? My elderly aunt kept the physical abuse her very sweet husband was subjected her to out of shame. By the time my cousins got him into memory care, it had taken its toll. She died several months later of a massive heart attack. He lived for anothher 3 years. Please get some help for your mom. Call tomorrow.

What do I do when my father threatens to hit my mother, calls her hurtful names and insists she is having an affair?

12 Answers

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