Both of my parents are elderly and disabled. My dad has pretty advanced dementia. Some days are better than others. My mom has every physical ailment you can think of. You name it, she's got it. I am beyond sick and tired of dealing with both of them.
This has been going on my entire adult life. I'm in my late 30s now. I am married and have battled infertility my entire marriage. My husband resents me for it, and I can't help but believe the stress my parents put on me between the constant doctors/hospital visits, financial emergencies, and all-around neediness play a huge part in my infertility. I've gained quite a bit of weight and haven't been able to shed any of it no matter what I do because my cortisol is through the roof. I have become extremely bitter towards both of them. I am filled with crippling dread every time I see my mother's phone number on my caller ID because I know there is a crisis on the other end of the line that will become my responsibility to fix.
I have no idea how I am supposed to move forward. Most days I want to throw my phone in the river, drive away somewhere far off, and start over. I envy people who have normal, functioning, healthy parents. They have no idea how lucky they are.
This is me feeling sorry for myself, but I know I can't be alone here.
Tread slowly if you need to, but keep moving forward.
"I canceled vaca plans because they will have no-one to help"
I felt like this once regarding a LO in my watch/care (although LO alone) . How could I go? Not enough help. Refuses suggestions of other help or dismisses it if arranged. Falls. No-one to let EMS in.. I now call this The Holiday Test.
A wise Doctor told me to GO.
(It was not reasonable).
Set up OTHER help.
ADVISE LO call the Doctor if not coping.
Letting go, with love (& with sense).
I am a lot older than you and have the feelings you describe. The whole long drawn out caregiving process has left me emotionless. Most of the past five years I have spent handling my parents' issues. My 95 yo mother passed away two weeks ago and I really don't feel bad about it, sadly. I mostly feel that a giant boulder was removed from my shoulders and just an immense relief. I still have my dad in the NH so the slog still continues on indefinitely.
Seek some therapy and figure out how you can get out from under this burden or ease the load somewhat. Hope you have a good infertility specialist. My daughter needed one to build her family of four kids.
Good luck to you.
Emotionless if the perfect word I have been looking for to describe how I feel.
You have to put your family first. The family you are trying to build. This is so unfair to you, your family, and your health.
So now it's time to change your life. First step was asking for help. If your like me asking for help from anyone is so hard. Your a giver , givers give , they don't think they need help, until you are at rock bottom. So be proud of yourself for asking for help.
Second step, id say would be to get yourself a good therapist. Take one step at a time, to change your life
Another step I would suggest is learn about codependency. Read. Melody Beattys books. Codependency No more.
And maybe get an antidepressants if you feel that would help you. It helps a lot
Learn mindfulness and meditation,maybe some yoga.
Also the book Out Of the Fog
If I think of others I'll be back. Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted.
Dad should be in Memory Care so that his care needs are met.
YOU should not be responsible for caring for either or both of them. Their care combined is more than 1 person can manage.
Begin looking or a facility that can care for both of them.
If need be begin the process of applying for Medicaid.
Might be wise to see an Elder Care Attorney.
Contact your doctor tell them that you need to get a referral for a therapist. If you do not need a referral, great just call and make an appointment. You need to be able to talk and vent and start your own journey of healing.
The next thing you do is book a weekend getaway for you and your husband.
Stick a note on the folk's fridge *call 911 if emergency* then go.
Your husband and future family are your priority, not your parents. This doesn't mean you don't love or care about your parents, but they are grown adults who (no matter what they think or say) are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and having their own plan for their sunset care. They want it to be you, but it can't be you.
Yes, there will be angry tantrums, attempted manipulations, threats of disinheritance, the silent treatment -- all sorts of Kabuki Theater which you should ignore and walk away from. Just so you are mentally and emotionally prepared that it *will* get worse before it finally gets better -- and normal-- for you and your husband. Hopefully you're not dependent on them financially for anything, since you will definitely need to sever that tie.
I went through fertility issues to conceive 2 of my 3 sons, so I get it. FYI my 3rd son was a surprise "freebee" so infertility is not a permanent condition, even without interventions. My OB specialist said fertility is never a matter of "if", only a matter of "when". It was certainly true for me.
I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your independence and protect it.
So just STOP already!!! Where is it written that a child has to give up their life, health and future for their parents??? That would be NO WHERE!!!
Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and put your big girl pants on and tell your parents that you are done with being at their beck and call, and that going forward your husband and your marriage will come first. Period. End of sentence.
Your parents need way more help than you can provide anyway, so quit trying to keep them propped in their false reality that all is well as long as we have our daughter at our beck and call.
All is not well(in more ways than one)and it's now time for your parents to hire full-time in home help with their money or move into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached for your dad in the near future.
And it's time for you to find your voice again and let your parents know that you will not be running to their aid any longer, and if they need help they can either, hire help, move in a facility or just call 911.
You can do this. You, your husband and your marriage deserve SO much better!!!
Anyway, you get the idea?
Could they cope?
They have groomed you to be the solution to all their problems .Based on your age , I’m assuming they weren’t that old when this nonsense started where you come to the rescue .
You move forward by telling them you can no longer do this , that they need to go in a facilty . Period . You have a marriage and a life to live . Your parents will need more and more help .
You did not make them old , you can’t fix old for them . A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping them , let them fail .”
Don”t answer the phone all the time , let it go to voice mail . You can listen , then call back after you’ve thought about what you will say . Also try to limit the calls back .
For falls or medical emergencies , if they call you , don’t run . Tell them to call 911. An ambulance will get them straight into the ER without sitting in the waiting room .
Re: answering calls - listen-assess-think-respond. Yes! So much better than answer-adrenaline-drive over there-realise it is NOT urgent.
Re: falls - EMS to ER. Yes! So much better than sitting for many hours in the waiting room.. 'How long will it be? ..How long will it be?.. How long will it be?' on repeat.
Been there. Got the T-shirts 😜
Sometimes caregivers like yourself need to hear the hard truth before they realize it's not written in stone that they have to suffer Burn Out caring for elderly parents. Or prop them up to live at home alone under the illusion of " independence" when in reality, it's you doing all the work to KEEP them there!
Best of luck to you getting out from under this anchor