Feeding tube is being considered for mom. Mom is bedbound, has dementia, and due to pain in sitting position from sacral ulcer-wound, sustained after 4 day hospital stay for DVT, eats and drinks little. Anyone have any perspective, personal experience or insight? Love my mom. She is my life. My brother and I have been her full time caregivers for past 2 1/2 years. We are not sure what to do.
Love means doing what's best for your loved one; not what's best for you. Keep that in mind when making future decisions. Prolonging someone's life is often done for US rather than for THEM.
I was a receptionist at a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit. We had a Catholic deacon who'd come in to hand out communion on Sunday's. He & I got to talking one morning about dementia, and how both of our mothers were in Memory Care homes suffering with it. He told me something profound that I will never forget: He said he prays daily for his mother to die. He knows that her life in Heaven will be SO much better than it is here on Earth, and so, why would he NOT pray for her to pass? That statement allowed me to continue praying for my own mother's peaceful passing, without guilt or the belief that I was 'wishing her dead'. I am, in reality, wishing her peace.
Wishing you the best of luck.
When my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer surprisingly he was willing to go the chemotherapy route after talking with an Oncologist. Before we left her office, we made his first chemo appointment for the following week. After I went home, I felt horrible about the whole thing. I knew my dad, he was not one to like pain and suffering. I ended up calling my mom that night and told her how I felt. The next day when I went to help take care of him, I told my dad I did not want him to suffer needlessly. Especially with that type of cancer - he would go through all that, plus my 79 year old mom would have to be up with him if he was sick from it only to maybe add a couple weeks to his life. That's when I told him I would call hospice in to evaluate him and to sign up for their services. Out of all the crappy decisions I've made in my life, this one was one I've never, ever regretted.
The family chose thickened foods, and hand feeding. There is so much improvement over 7 days.
I guess if I were you, I would ask her Dr's what they feel her prognosis is, before I would put her through having a feeding tube put in. Maybe just try putting "Thick It" in her liquids and pureeing her foods and see if that helps. People do stop eating and drinking when they are nearing they end of their life. That is normal. Also you may want to ask about that ulcer on her sacrum. If it's a Kennedy ulcer that usually is terminal, so putting a feeding tube in might be futile at this point.
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. There's nothing easy about it. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and know whatever you decide, it will be ok.
But if it is a temporary thing then I might consider it. But not if this will be what sustains her.
As the body declines and comes to the End of Life it does not need food the way we do when we are healthy. To give food when the body can not process it can lead to problems. There can be blockages, vomiting is a possibility that can lead to aspirating and an aspiration pneumonia.
What would your mom have wanted if you had asked her 10, 20 years ago? Would she have wanted to have a tube inserted that might give her a little longer?
The other problem is with dementia she may very well try to remove any tubes, temporary or permanent. She wold probably do the same with IV's.
I would contact Hospice and allow them to help her to be comfortable.
My mother did not have an Advanced Directive or a DNR. She had told us when she was younger that even though, in theory, she didn't want to live with machines keeping her alive, she wasn't sure how she would feel about it if that time ever came to be a reality. We were guided by her joy at seeing my father every day, her delight at visiting with her grandchildren, her eagerness to participate in activities, and the knowledge that she had not stopped eating because she didn't want to eat but because could not remember that she had not had anything to eat.
Ssorry, feeling sad today. My mother who is 10 years older than my mother in law was recently moved to the Memory Care unit at her facility. Watching my mother in law decline makes me fearful for what's in the future for my mom. It's like watching pieces of them die every day.
Have your doctors made suggestions. You do know, I am certain, that this is just prolonging life a bit until death dos come. You say there is pain. She already apparently has decubiti. Were this my much beloved mother I would recognize that she had lived her life now with nothing ahead but artificial means of keeping her alive, and with nothing ahead but, quite honestly, torment and suffering.
Doctors have come a long way. I would be disturbed if some are suggesting you should go this route.
Ultimately now the decision is in your hands. You must decide, from all you know of your Mom, what is best for HER. Whether she has the tube or she does not, death is coming more and more near. For myself I would have hospice and I would now keep my much loved Mom medicated below any level of suffering, even if that medication hastened her death.
This is in your hands. Only you can make the decision. As I said, whatever way you decide, death will soon come. It is important now, also, that you and your brother decide together what is best, what will cause you the least grief.
I am so sorry you are facing this loss of your much loved Mom.
I feel bad for you and your brother as you try to decide how to handle making a decision for your mom in regards to a feeding tube. It certainly sounds like she is going through a lot.
When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89, I got all the paperwork I would need regarding all these issues. It was very hard to get my mom to sit down at the table and discuss everything and it took several different occasions to actually make it happen. I made sure she understood everything and we filled the paperwork out with her signatures. She told me under no circumstances did she ever want to be put on life support or have a feeding tube. Thankfully, I have it in writing. She is on hospice right now and we also have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in her apartment.
She verbally told me her wishes but, when I was going through some of her things, I found a 3x5 index card with these words written on it:
"Do FOR me - not TO me."
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers - may you and your brother have wisdom to make this difficult decision on your mom's behalf.
Here is one where she responded. You will need to scroll through a few answers until you come to hers.
You might find what she has to say about her personal experience helpful.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-has-parkinsons-and-the-disease-stops-her-from-eating-and-drinking-she-cant-swallow-should-we--446422.htm?orderby=recent
Thank you again.