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caring for a mom. have been for 5 years now since father passed. she has melanoma and possible other, but her decision is no more tests. ( 87, 3rd time cancer). BFF just finished with a full year of treatments. stem cell replacement. she has been deemed clean right now. have older siblings. 3hours and 1 1/2 hours away. I am youngest and single. parents were each others best friends. did not have many outside. mom starting leaning on me. I was ok with it when she was much more mobile. but now it is wearing me out. I get angry at how I feel. I know I shouldn't. work has FMLA but I do not have the financial means to take any time off. everyone needs from me. work, home, friend. I am trying to get all my bills paid off. so I have very little money left for "fun" I am trying to take a children lit class via mail. but that is getting "chorefull." am I crazy? is it too much to ask to want someone to care for me? to send me a card or flowers or take me out to lunch? all my friends at work have left for other jobs. getting together has become more difficult. is it separation anxiety?

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I feel for you, I have been taking care of my mom who is not mobile and has dementia along with mutiple diseases, I have been doing this for 7 years now, my husband abandoned me and my mother 4 months ago, I don't drive, we are in the middle of no where, I can't work due to my major depression and high axiety, I should weigh 130 pounds and now weigh 98 pounds. stuggling to find transportation to the doctors and to get groceries, I have no friends and no family that helps, sometimes i think i am going to have another nervous breakdown as i have already had 2 in my life, I have been abused all my life and this last husband turned out to be a sociopath, the torture has been more than i can take and in the state i am in, i have to be separated for a year before i can file for divorce and he is living with a mistress, so between that and taking care of my mom, i have no life, i am home bound 24 hours a day 7 days a week, the only place i get to go is to the doctor and the grocery store but I have faith that God has a better plan for me so I just keep holding on, will keep you in my prayers, as I pray many times a day, it is what keep me going, I am 53 and have not been kissed or touched in any kind of way in 10 years, he has emotionally and mentally tortured me to the point, i think i will break but i still am hanging on with the help of God. hugs
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Here's the thing: it's NORMAL to want some personal time of. Thinking you're selfish or feeling guilty about it is counterproductive to your own health. I don't think it's separation anxiety, I just think the world is changing and sometimes it tends to feel like we're standing still with the same old same old everyday and the world is moving around us at lightning speed. Have you ever tried an online non gambling game like scrabble or something? Some games have chat bars were you can meet new people. If you are able to go out, that's a way to bring new friends into your life.
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NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course it is not selfish, stop this right now. You are shoulding all over yourself. Your first priority is to yourself, your emotional, physical and spiritual health and wellbeing. You can't give want you don't have and if you don't fill you up you will not be in a position to help yourself or anyone else. Start thinking about how you can start to fulfill your own needs now, your siblings must get on board in some way, sit together and figure it out. Caregivers, Adult Day Care, do it for yourself.
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madeaa, sometimes you have to do it all by yourself such as in my case as there is no one else that will help not even family members, and no my first priority is not myself, my first priority is God, then my mom, then me.
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I have no one but myself, I am alone and doing it, I am in another country with no one, friends, transportation, so I know about being alone. You are number one, God helps those who help themselves, you are first, God is part of you, you are part of God, and then comes mom, IMO. You have a pc, you can order anything you need and have it delivered to you, you can get car service when you need it. I would think what I can do not why I can't.
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Guilt is all part of this process as well as the anger. You are doing a very challenging task. Go outside kick at tree they are always there, scream at the top of your lungs, whatever it takes to release some of the tension off. God knows you need it, no one will blame you, you have to look out for yourself. Try to get one of your siblings to come by and give you some very much needed time for you. It is their mother as well and should be offering you a break now and then. Or try asking a neighbour I am sure there is someone who is feeling your pain and wouldn't mind to help you out. I know what you are feeling as I have been there, I was always taking care of someone else but forgot about me. But everything does evently come to a head and you need a good cry to get you back on track. I'll keep you in my prayers please just ask for some help soon.
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I understand being a primary caregiver without any other family members to support you is both extremely isolating and exhausting. I was glad to see you are still working. Working outside the home was needed but also liberating for me as the primary caregiver. All my non work hours were here so being in a more normal setting for work was a blessed relief.
Since you are a one person show, I would use some money to hire home health aides so you factor in time for yourself including meeting your friend.
If your sleep is interrupted, there is nothing wrong with hiring someone to care for mom while you get some uninterrupted sleep---it is money well spent.
Taking time for yourself is hard emotionally but it will make you feel better and you will be a better caregiver.

See if you can get a good caregiver in your home regularly for at least half a day on your weekend off from work. If you can afford more coverage--go for it.
Ask your church if they have anyone who could visit for short periods with your mom for the short runs to stores etc. However, get a calendar and schedule time for yourself, use an agency if needed until you can find someone in the area who works independently as a caregiver.
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It is not wrong. You need to take time for yourself. If you do not, you are doing a dis-service to both yourself and your loved one, because you cannot be an effective caregiver without some "me" time.
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Caregivers forget to care for themselves first. You will not be productive , as a caregiver if you don't care for yourself. It is easy to feel guitly! We have all done it. Hang in there and take of yourself first. Good luck!
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No, you are not wrong in wanting some relief. Caregiving is a job, sometimes unpaid. We all need time to ourselves to remain a physically and mentally healthy person. Have you tried any agency like one on aging to get help. Sometimes they have funds to pay for occasional respite. Try as many as you can find in your area. My neighbor lady gets help from Easter Seals. Another suggestion is to try your local hospice. Just remember you need to keep yourself healthy.
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Caregivers can burnout when we don't refresh ourselves. We can't give what we don't have.

I learned the hard way, with angry and difficult behaviors from siblings added to the pain. In stepping back and doing some "me" time like spending time with all of you sometimes, I'm better in handling their "issues".
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Have you heard of the cup half full/empty scenario??? If your cup is empty because of the constant caregiving, you need to fill it back up. How will you do that?? What fulfills you?? Being in a similar situation, just not having to answer the phone or go over to moms and know that she is ok, fills me back up. Pretend this is a special card just for you filled with caring wishes from all your friends out here in the caregiving world. Best of luck, enjoy your break ASAP!!
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Caregiving is a job that is physically and emotionally taxing to be sure. It is hard to hear someone say that you are a 'saint' for doing what you are doing but often you don't feel like one. Sometimes one is filled with anger and resentment and other very 'unsaintlike' feelings. Guilt is HUGE. Society fills us with what we are supposed to feel and act like in the caregiving capacity and we struggle with our own self perception when we don't. I feel guilty when I do ANYTHING that is for pleasure. My mother is not able to enjoy much (she has dementia). The only thing that I can feel less guilty about is grocery shopping or my part-time work. Taking her anywhere for an outing is taxing on me (and her). She is extremely fidgety and tires and complains alot. She also gets anxious when her surroundings change cause she doesn't recognize things---even her own home when she returns. Bottom line in all this is I feel the guilt you speak of when I try to do things for myself and all the reading I do says that I shouldn't. We have very little budget to spend on Adult Day Care and family is always 'busy'. So I try the little things to release me temporarily (i.e. read, walk, pc movies, creative things). Do whatever it takes to take you away for a bit.
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Part of the stress of caregiving is the quilt for wanting our life back. That's absolutely normal but you should try some 'self talk' to counteract it. And then take steps to have as much time for yourself and friends as possible. Adult daycare at a local community center or a volunteer from Alz Assoc. Maybe one of those siblings can come for a couple of days and you could check into a local motel. Read a book, take a long bath (with candles) or go sightseeing. Whatever floats your boat. This time for yourself is not just something you want, it's something you need.
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slad1956-You have gotten some great suggestions, and we all are saying in effect, if you do not take care of yourself, how can you care for someone else? God loves everyone to recognize He is in control, not you. Earthly beings can only participate in their lives, whereas God is the pilot. We are co-pilots. Placing yourself third might seem righteous, but no one would want you to sacrifice your life for theirs (well perhaps if the house were burning, or a car was racing toward a child, etc.). The point I'm trying to make is, you deserve time off and I'm not sure that taking a children's lit class via mail is going to give you social interaction which you need. Try downsizing your responsibilities first, and perhaps pay a little less on those bills so you can enjoy a movie or spa day (whatever you like to do). Trust me, no credit card company went out of business because you did not pay them $5-$10 per month. Save up, then treat yourself. My best wishes for your down time!
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Slad, your mother must have money to pay for incidentals as well as her care? She is not depending on you to pay for everything, is she? Tell her you need some time to live your own life and get someone to come in. You are her security blanket right now, but she will understand when you put it to her in a non-threatening way.
She wants you to be happy and progressing, not being miserable and stuck.
Have a heart to heart with her. Forget about the siblings. However, if she is at the place where she is only thinking of herself and will not consider your needs, then just do what you need to for yourself because maybe she is in reverse focus. Back to the belly button. That 's life. Take care of yourself:) xo
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No you are not wrong for wanting some breaks. And you should be taking some. Caregivers wear out if they don't have them. Try no to feel guilty about wanting it and give yourself some breaks.
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It is most definitely not selfish to want to take care of yourself. I don't know why we feel that way about our parents. Perhaps it is because we feel an "obligation" to care for them since after all, they took care of us all those years.... In actuality the only things we are responsible for in their care are to insure that they have a warm safe place to live, food to eat and good health care. That is truly it - nothing else. This concept is difficult to accept - it took me quite a while - still struggle at times. So if you need to place your parent in an Assist Living or Nursing Home and they are giving you a hard time - do not feel awful. You matter too - after all if you are not in an excellent place and become ill, physically or mentally, who will then step in to take care of your parent. Call your sibilings and tell them you are taking a vacation, even if it is only for a weekend, and they need to come stay for that time period. Don't give them a chance to say no. If you need help finding someone to give respite during the week to go out - call your county Department of Human Services and ask for the Adult Protection unit worker. They will be able to send you in the correct direction. Sign up for some yoga classes, practice meditation, take a night class. Just get away! Good Luck!
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If it's wrong, I'm guilty as sin! But I'm still alive and kicking, and I still have a zest for life, which is natural. Maybe you could get some respite care soon so you can have some time to yourself.
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My heart goes out to you. You have received many good suggestions from the other Aging Care members, so I have nothing new to offer. Just want you to know I will pray for you.
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My father is 74 and has never really taken care of himself or anyone else for that matter. He worked very little and I started working (consistently) when I was 13 to help with family needs. So, when my mother passed and he got old, things didn't really change much except he wanted more from us. I have very little to hang on to in terms of memories of anything that he did for us, but there is this terrible sense of obligation that we take care of our parents. So, how do you find the line on how far you go to care for a parent? I have children and a husband; so, when it affects them, I stop and 'correct' the issue. My father was diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. Imagine this guy talking to walls, hitting, punching. We let him stay for a month. He's taking medication, totaled his car, fell down 3 times in our house (all due to the medication); but, he's much better and the voices are controlled. I've given him a prescription on how to take care of himself and he's back at his apt. So, unfortunately, I call this "limits". We are all human and sense of obligation can only go so far. I should feel guilty for what I'm saying and putting my family first; but, I will expect that when I am 74, my children will do the same and I'm okay with that. For now, while I'm young(er), 41 yo, I make sure that my future will be enough so that I can live ok. I know there will be many who disagree with me and say that under every circumstance, we take care of our parents; but, I live very comfortably knowing that I do my best without jeopardizing my own health and family. In a sinking ship, we save ourselves and our family first, then we save others around us. Sorry. I know I'm going to be yelled at.
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Christina0000, I suggest you start your very own thread( ask a question category) because this is worthy of focus.
Meanwhile, if your father has been diagnosed as mentally ill, that has it's own set of family rules. No one is going to yell at you here for what you said. Please don't put your children at risk by having him around. You are trying to establish
" normal." Go for it!
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To you slad1956 and all caregivers, you all know that caring for a loved one is a very difficult 7/24 self-sacrificing task that stress you emotionally, physically, financially, and socially, While sadly seeing your elderly loved ones continue to deteriorate and become an unrecognizable shell of themselves. So first of all, give yourselves all a pat on the back for continuing to take on this challenge!!!

YES, you need time for YOU and this is NOTHING to feel guilty about!!!

From doing it alone for 2+ years, would like to share experience to hopefully help you:
- If assistance is offered from neighbors, friends, family, or elderly organizations, please utilize it even if it is only for a few hours.

- If no assistance offered, seek it out and don't be shy for example to ask friendly neighbor to help check on your mom, when you have a chance to meet up with friends.

- Approach your siblings for help despite the distance, even if they are able to help only once a year it's better than nothing.

- So many have said that you MUST take care of YOU, otherwise how can you care for another? They are 100% correct!

- Whenever frustration boils over, have to keep reminding myself I chose NOT to turn my back when a elderly parent needed help because of their love/care provided to me. Never mind Alzheimer's has resulted in causing them to be almost a difficult stranger.

- Loneliness is a sad reality for caregivers (have been away from spouse for 2+ years and lucky not divorced), and you have to do what you can to balance your own well being (proverbial "easier said than done") with caregiving.

- Use these forums as there so many nice people willing to answer your questions and provide you with moral support.

Please take care of you! Wishing you slad1956 and all you caregivers good health.
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No what you are experiencing is normal, we have probably all had the same exact feelings. Are you acting as a 24 hour/7 day a week caregiver? If you are you need some time off. It is now summer and possibly you need to contact your siblings and tell them that you need them to come to your house for a week of THEIR VACATION, to give you a break. I get one vacation a year for about 2 weeks and I really need it when it comes around. I might also suggest that you look into therapy, don't get me wrong I do not think you are crazy. I go to therapy once a week for one hour through a senior program for seniors but there are others for those not considered seniors. It is free and it is an hour to voice your concerns and needs and the therapist can really help you with what you are feeling. It can be very pleasurable and help to take a load off your mind.

I have felt like I have had to put my life on hold to care for my parent, which means no income while other siblings are still working. This hurts your self esteem and it will also affect you down the road where social security is involved as you will have missed out on years of work and paid nothing into the system. So keeping your job is probably a good thing. You might want to check into churches or other organization within your area for support. We discussed in another post trying to date during this time and it is honestly almost impossible.

I can honestly tell you that you are not wrong or a terrible daughter to feel the way you do, we all have at one point or another!

God Bless you on your journey!
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No, it is NOT wrong to ask for some time off!!
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Bewell is right. Accept any help offered. Look for help until you get some.

NICELY ask siblings for help - time or money. If they say I can't, then ask what they could do - even once a year.
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Absolutely not. It is easy to lose yourself in caring for your parent(s). I am going through something similar myself. You want to come out on the other side still "you." You need to find time during each day, if possible, to do something on your own, whether it's working out, going shopping (fun shopping), going to the movies, the library, a coffee shop, the park . . . whatever. Even better, do so with a friend. On the days I don't get to accomplish one of those things, I go for a drive after I've tucked my parents in for the night. That's usually when I can get a good cry in, when I need one. You are doing one of the most important jobs there is: Raising your mother to her end glory. No guilt. Hang in there.
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As I had said in another post, take a walk, even for five minutes for yourself, and God Bless You for helping out!
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Oh gosh, everyone here feels this pain. Time for yourself really takes a back seat when taking care of our elders. It reminds me of when my daughter was young...it never ended and I was tired all the time. I try to carve out an hour at least twice a week and go to one of the public libraries, sit and read quietly. I turn off my cellphone and NO ONE can reach me there. I realize not everyone likes to read or enjoys libraries (my daughter makes fun of me because I am a huge reader), I do know some simple relaxation exercises help too. This is all very inadequate I know, and I realize the pain you're feeling. Some days are better than others but oh, I keep myself just thinking one day at a time. If I focus on any sort of future I get too downhearted and can't get out of bed in the morning.
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Just a comment on asking siblings for help: it usually doesn't work. My sister does the bare minimal amount. She is also the POA and gets incredibly angry when she has to drive the 16 miles out here in order to "do" something for our mom (who is in a nursing home) or our dad, who lives with my family. So I've stopped asking. She will have to live with herself on that issue. Yeah, it makes me angry and bitter sometimes; then I realize she's the one who needs help, not me.
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