My 91 year old grandfather decided he should sell his home 5 years ago and asked if my husband and I would be willing to move if he purchased a house large enough for our family. I agreed since I am all he has left ( he has burnt bridges with all other family members due to EXTREME narcissistic personality disorder ) He bought the house and added my name to the deed. Over the last 5 years he has declined cognitively and has been diagnosed with dementia. Recently he has started threatening us and his expectations have become unrealistic. He throws huge tantrums when we make plans that don’t include him and has alienated us from friends and family. We do everything besides pay the mortgage. We buy all the food, cook a hot meal for him every day, take him everywhere he needs to go. I changed my schedule at work so that I can be off whenever he has appointments or needs to go places. He cashed out a small life insurance policy and gave me the money as a gift since I am ‘ all he has’ I used it to buy stuff for the house and pay for a surgery I required. His most recent tantrum had him going to the neighbors to say that we haven’t fed him in 5 days and that I stole money from him. They know his mental state and called me. He ended up demanding to go to the hospital where he continued these claims. Fortunately they are aware of his history and after a psych evaluation and social services evaluation was deemed unable to return home. He was placed in an ALF but is now angrier as he assumes I am responsible for this. He has told everyone terrible lies about me and my husband and even managed to get DCF involved. The facility is aware the claims are unfounded but I am just in shock about all of this. Regardless of how terrible our lives have become I do love him and hate that he is so aggressive and mean now. I’m exhausted and have been put on meds for anxiety, depression and high blood pressure. I’m starting to feel like I’m the crazy one. I do have a durable power of attorney which includes finances and medical decisions but I feel like nothing is going to make this feel right. Guess I needed to vent and maybe see if I’m not alone,
I never understood, before my chemo year, how much my ability to cope and my capacity to feel happiness or appreciate beauty in any form depended on the balance of chemicals in my brain. For a solid year my world was flat and grey and hopeless and I lost even the desire to put one foot in front of the other.
You won’t catch me being critical of medically supervised chemical balancing - I wish I had been offered something when I was living in my La Brea tar pit.
Until you regain your own sense of control, particularly over your Own life-then, your right-"Nothing is going to make this feel right". Not much else will feel right, either. Only YOU can "make it right." Start by appreciating the Good in your life, everyday, until the Good overcomes the Bad. You can't Fix your gr.father, or expect changes in him at his age and in his condition. The new facility may not Fix him either, but mainly at least keep him comfortable over this challenging time in his life. Take some Time to yourself and away from your gr. father. The facility may get him to calm down some, then it may be a better time to visit with him with the intention to go and share only the Good times over family albums, old stories, or sharing a favorite snack or meal together. Try not to take his accusations personally -as you said -most everyone knows the Truth.
Best over it and take care of Yourself !
Do have a look at the steps I suggested, and think about taking them - even if you leave it for a while. This stuff could always come up again in different ways - where there’s money, there are often people who would love to get some of it. Elders who decide to blame the closest person, are often targets for complete strangers.
I am going to take the advice and step back. I have a wonderful husband, three kids and 2 small grandchildren I need to focus on instead of all the daily drama with him.
thanks so much to everyone for the responses. This has been a hard time but I am glad I found this site!
Tell the staff at his ALF that you are going to be taking a 1 month vacation from grandpa. You’ll be available to them by phone for emergencies (but not to him). Take that month to see a lawyer and a counselor. Your wounds need some time to heal.
After grandpa doesn’t see your horns for a month and you don’t see his, you can give him another shot if you feel like it. By then you may feel strong enough to turn right back around and walk out if he says something mean.
Next time he’s mean , tell him “ It’s not my fault you are old and have to live here. I can’t fix old.”
Be glad he can afford a facility and that you aren’t stuck with him . You dodged a bullet .
He may remain miserable , don’t expect him to be happy . You are not responsible for his happiness .
The making up lies is a narcissistic trait and getting everyone to turn against you. It's called a smear campaign.
The more I read about this type of behavior, the more I'm seeing that people like these were pretty bad to begin with.
I would work on detaching myself emotionally from grandaddy and his lies. Dementia or no dementia, this hurts. Also, we get financially all wrapped up in their messes making it difficult to break free from their control. My dad tried this crap with me, but luckily I had supportive people to give me a firm talking to. Never accept anything from a narcissist. These people give you something expecting some sort of lifetime payback.
Giving you that insurance money was a way to hold you for ransom making you unable to get away from him. Putting your name on the title was a way to keep you tied to his assets. Some people would look at this as exploiting an elderly person. He gave you this as a gift. I'm quite sure you were not aware what was happening at the time and how it would play out.
Hopefully, you will come away unscathed.
Counseling may help at this point.
He should join the crowd. Almost no one likes being in care, but if we live long enough it is where we go and where we belong.
He may never be happy. Old age (I guarantee you as I am 82_) isn't full of a whole lot of happiness. It is quite an achy time where we lose our systems one at a time, eventually even our own minds. So don't feel you are responsible for his happiness. You are only responsible for being a loving OR respectful granddaughter. And he needs to learn that he will see you more when his behavior is better, and less when it is not.
Old age should not be an excuse for abuse.
Don't allow him to go there.
You didn't cause age and infirmity and you can't fix it.
You have a right to a life. Please do choose to live it. Because if you choose to placate Grandpa NO ONE will be the happier for it, and that I guarantee.
The very best of luck to you.
1) Document ALL the financial arrangements between you and GF, with dates and supporting evidence. Keep a file on line with baack-up, and a paper file with print-out and other documents somewhere safe. While at present GF can pay for care and Medicaid is not an issue, but illness injury operations and general age care can be very expensive and go on for a very long time. You never know when funding may be needed, or when GF’s allegations may be believed and investigations made. If GF has other relatives (even on-line ‘friends’) who could hope to inherit, questions can be raised even after death. Clearly there is a lot of money involved in this. Get your ducks in line NOW.
2) Make sure you have all the appropriate documentation - POA etc.
3) Get a psych analysis for GF, focused on his allegations – does he believe them himself and why, does he have some other motive and what is it, what is going on with ‘control’ for him. It can look like the ‘investigation’ he actually wants. Get it in writing and keep it. It may be helpful, if something happens which is investigated, and it almost certainly will be helpful for YOU.
4) See a good counselor about controlling your upset feelings. You are shocked, it’s ingratitude because you have done so much, you are feeling betrayed and vulnerable etc etc. I’d go now, just once or a couple of times. Then break off while you concentrate on points 1) 2) and 3), then go back enough to deal with it again. 1) 2) and 3) in themselves should help you feel more on top of things, 4) should help you put it all to bed.
Good luck! Best wishes, Margaret
Is he on any meds for his anger/depression/aggression? If not, why not? It would be merciful to have his doctor prescribe something since people suffering from dementia are literally no longer able to bring selves to a place of understanding and contentment.
It may help you to educate yourself about dementia so that you won't be caught of guard as he continues to change. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. It also teaches how strategies for redirecting and distracting negative or volitile discussions, among other things. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
As POA for him, you can keep grandpa in AL even if he demands to come home. As financial POA, you can pay the home mortgage as well. Do speak with a Certified Elder Care attorney with any questions or concerns you have about financial issues.
Feel free to vent here anytime. As ugly as he's being, try to remember it's the dementia talking and accusing you, not grandpa himself. He's lost to the disease now, sadly. You're definitely not alone in all this. I had a mother with dementia who said very cruel and hurtful things to me as well, so I cut down the time I spent visiting with her in Memory Care Assisted Living. Hopefully, some meds will calm grandpa down soon and you'll start to feel better yourself.
Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned, you, grandpa, your family, everyone. You just do the best you can w/o letting his issues ruin your life any further. He's where he needs to be right now.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
This is not something I would ever consider doing, nor should he have. But now it is done and this is quite a bad tangle, because at this point I think you are stuck solid in providing care for another 5 years until lookback can be done without disqualifying him.
I think it is time to see an attorney to see what the options are if you require that he be in long term care. You are currently painted into a corner; I cannot imagine how best to proceed. So off to an attorney with your hubby and your grandfather to see what the options are. Good luck.