I am 55 (male) and my wife is 64. For a lot of their adult life, my wife and her sister (61) were semi-estranged from their father (87). Their parents divorced when they were younger. He was a pretty healthy person, but had colon cancer a few years back and has been treating on and off for that for the past several years. He is, and always has been according to them, abusive and all about himself (his needs above yours). 5 weeks ago, he had an episode of confusion. He thought someone had hit his car, which was parked on the street. He was trying to get into it (despite there being a child car seat in the back and the keys obviously not fitting the lock). Luckily, he did not cause any damage to it. He called the police who ended up taking him to the hospital and calling my sister-in-law.
The hospital neurologist consult ended up diagnosing him with the beginnings of dementia, turned him into the state to revoke his driver's license. They also advice my wife and SIL that he should not live alone. He lived in a 3 story house that is in serious disrepair. He has an antique shop on the 1st floor, but hasn't been able to that since the cancer diagnosis. He also has two tenants that rent rooms from him. His long time significant other lives fairly close in a senior apartment building. He goes there to eat and to be with her every evening and then back to his house.
So, when he was released with a neuro follow-up, he has been staying with us M-F and with my SIL and her husband Saturday and Sunday. He had the neuro follow-up last week and that doctor also diagnosed him with the beginning of Parkinson's. Now, knowing that, we see many of the symptom that, otherwise, we would have attributed to his being 87. The doctor said that he should not live alone, should not be left unattended and should not drive.
Now, the problems. Both he and his significant other have bed bugs in their places. Her place is INFESTED and messy. We have since notified the building management because neither of them did. We are still deciding how to handle his place. I want to do the heat treatment, but he has a LOT of oil paintings in the shop that would have to be removed. Plus, his place is also messy and would need cleaned up before treatment. He was pleading poverty until he "remembered" that he had a savings account to pay for it. Now, my SIL has been bitten and found a few bed bugs and I ended up having to treat our house because my wife has bites. I did find two while treating both of our bedrooms. Needless to say, I am very pissed off. I actually found one in my office at work (law firm). His significant other has been in the hospital and now a skilled rehab facility for the last several weeks. My SIL and I had to go into his significant other's infested apartment to get her cat because nobody was taking care of it for several days even though they both told us it was taken care of.
While he is at our house he beats subjects to death. Why did they take his license since his "incident" had nothing to do with driving and he had a perfect driving record. I told him that is irrelevant. He drinks in the evening. He fills a tall glass with ice and then with vodka. He fills it twice. And he has half a beer. This past Saturday night at my SIL's house, he fell twice within a half hour. He was trashed.
He didn't want us to forward his mail to our house. I did it anyway because we want to stay out of both places as much as possible. He tries any excuse to go to his house and we keep telling him no. I have to run in after work today to get the mail that has been delivered before the forward and his rent money from the tenants. He is a manipulative user and both his daughters, my BIL and I know it. Yet, we have taken him in to our homes.
There is so much more, but I don't have the room here. I would rather place him into a facility, but he's not to that point yet. I told her that if he starts wandering or falling, I am done and he would have to be placed.
We think that our Loved Ones will move in, and everything will be like The Waltons.
We all had good intentions.
Until the (insert awfulness) happens and we are so dang surprised at the insanity we find ourselves in.
But...we CAN change direction.
We CAN take the advice of those who've come before us.
We CAN help oversee a placement and ongoing management at an appropriate facility.
Good luck.
We're cheering for you.
"It's just that we are all good people and it seemed like the right thing to do."
Can I just tell you that when we (DH& myself) started sharing caregiving responsibilities with my SIL and her Dh (they moved in with him) - we were all "good people" too. We felt the way you did. We missed all of the signs until we were in over our heads.
My FIL was abusive to my DH and SIL as children- physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally. As adults the only thing that dropped was the physical. When his dementia progressed - he tried to take a swing at my DH - from a wheelchair - and almost threw himself out in the floor. He didn't even react to what he had done until I (startled) yelled his name - and he literally said "I wasn't going to hit him" (and yet he balled up a fist, reared back and aimed at my DH's face....but he wasn't going to hit him...nope)
He literally did not care that he was actually HURTING his children. DH had to have SPINE surgery. He called me while I was in the waiting room - DURING THE SURGERY - and asked me how long DH would be out of work. Not "how is he?" Not "how's the surgery going?". Nothing about his son's health. He said "I have a list of things I need him to do while he's not working".
SIL had to have foot surgery. His only question was "how long will you not be able to help me. I'm NOT paying to have someone come take care of me".
And my personal favorite. When his care became more than my SIL and BIL could handle at home (we participated in everything we could, but they chose to live there for other reasons) he actually told my DH that it was his responsibility to LEAVE ME AND OUR CHILDREN and come take care of him. To leave his family (we most certainly were not invited lol). And come take care of him. It was his "duty". He wanted DH to move an hour from his job, and come take care of him - AND pay rent and his portion of the utilities!! (so while continuing to work of course...or you know. have me send payment every month).
When you are caring for an abuser- they do not care what happens to you. Read that again. They don't care what happens to you. And they will not be grateful or thankful that you are helping them. They will instead take every pain, every ache, every lost dream out on you.
And YOU as the in-law - will begin to watch them abuse your spouse...and you will start to feel genuine rage. Your spouse will feel smaller and smaller in her father's presence. Your FIL will begin to make demands. And expect your wife especially to jump when he says jump.
And you will continue to build up feelings that you genuinely know deep down aren't morally right. But honestly - your feelings aren't even the hardest.
When you have an elderly abuser, and those they have abused are the ones providing their care....the environment is toxic. And it makes for a bad situation. When they were children - people would have nailed him to the wall for abusing VULNERABLE children. The situation has flipped. HE'S NOW THE VULNERABLE population. You can NEVER explain to people enough that he's an abuser. It will never excuse you being quick to anger, or for any yelling that you or your wife might do out of frustration. HE is the one that should be protected now in the eyes of society.
Which means that regardless of how abusive he is to you or your wife...you cannot lose your cool with him. You have to maintain your cool at all times. Or YOU become the abuser- even in the midst of his abuse.
I am a good person. My DH is a good person. But even in death I find that I hated my FIL. I did what I did for DH. But I came to HATE the man. My DH doesn't miss his dad. He didn't get the father he deserved. Instead he got stuck with an abuser.
WHY put yourself in that position?
You take FIL back to his own home with some food and call APS, and report a vulnerable elder . That is the only way to handle this horrendous situation without POA.
Don’t even try to get POA for someone uncooperative , and an alcoholic on top of it. This is not a nightmare you want to take on .
As told to me by a social worker , “ Stop helping “, so they could intervene and get someone placed in a facility .
But first switch his mail back , then bring him back to his house , then call APS . Take a stand that you can not take care of him . You must not back down , you tell APS that FIL has no one to give him the help he needs . This is how to get him placed .
This approach is not cruel . In this situation it is the FASTEST way to get FIL placed, which is what he needs , so he can get the care he needs .
You are nice people and if you want to do what’s right for him, The approach I described is the right thing to do .
As already said , without POA You are truly powerless to do it any other way .
But you need to get to the 30,000 feet view. Each of those things taken independently - might not make you think that he is in need of 24/7 care. But when taken together - they add up to way more than just concerning.
1.He has been diagnosed with both dementia and Parkinsons.
2.A medical professional has reported him to have his license revoked.
3.His home has fallen into such disrepair that you can't even schedule a bedbug treatment until it is "cleaned up". (FYI - if HIS apartment has bedbugs, there is also a good chance that his tenants space has bedbugs. And his shop - which is essentially a storage unit now).
4. He is drinking quite a bit. That may not be a big deal for some but for someone with dementia, adding a depressant on top of any meds and his condition could be a very bad situation.
5. His falling is increasing.
6. He has always been a manipulative abuser and user. It is NEVER a good idea for someone to become a caregiver for their abuser.
7. He is trying to break into other people's property (thinking it is his)
8. Doctors have advised that he should not be left unattended. That's not leave him home while you "just run out real quick". That is you and your wife taking shifts and ideally - someone is awake if he is mobile and a flight risk.
Why do you believe he is not a candidate managed care? There are multiple levels- not just memory care.
If he didn't have his daughters - what would he do for 24/7 care? If they are the solution, he won't ever find another one. And the longer he's there - the harder it will be to move him.
Get his mail sent back to his home IMMEDIATELY so that residence is NOT established at your home. Then pack him up and send HIM back home too. Call APS and report a demented elder with Parkinson's living in squalor at his address. Make certain his car is gone or disabled so that he cannot drive it. Help him out by providing groceries.
Without POA, it's insanity for you to be housing this man. You do not have the power to place him or do anything else on his behalf. He owns a home and a business which you cannot sell FOR him, either, w/o financial POA, which would finance his stay in AL, so there you have it. You are powerless to help him, so send him home and help him in small ways .....from afar. And the biggest help would be to get APS involved.
Good luck k to you.
Yeah it's unfortunate that when the hospital said he couldn't live alone that your wife and sister told them that they cannot take an abuser into their homes and the hospital would have to figure it out.
I think you are done now. He needs to be out of your house and his girlfriend is not your responsibility. Thanks for helping the poor cat though.
Seriously never move an abuser into your home. If you keep going into their bed bug infested houses you are going to keep bringing bed bugs back into your house.
While he is living with you start charging him rent and take away ALL alcohol and declare it a alcohol free zone. That might get him to voluntarily leave your house and when he does do not let him back into your house ever again. If he falls and has issues then 911 should be called and let them deal with it.
And again, his girlfriend and her mail and all that stuff is no concern of yours. Stop helping her.
We wouldn't. This story is way too common on here. People believe just as you do - dad needs a place to stay, he can't go home, we'll take him in, we'll clean things up, we'll place him in a facility. Then you find out it's not so easy to do. Plus he's an alcoholic. BOINGG! That should have set off a few hundred alarms before you even carried him over the threshold.
Dad should have already been placed in rehab, detox, a friendly neighborhood flop house, or a memory care facility. Also, but what alcoholic does this, he should have planned for his old age care. He didn't, so you're left having to manage it. Here's some good news: You are not obligated to take care of drunken dad-in-law, do his planning, clean out his filthy house, serve his vodka addiction, or any of it. That's right! Take a pass! There's a lot of info on this site about how to do that.
Many people like your FIL have refused to plan properly, as if doing so would bring the Grim Reaper upon them. Some education needs to take place for elders: guess what, we are all going to die! That's right! And your adult children, grandchildren, cousins, and the nitwit next door DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!
I have little patience for these people who ignore their responsibilities to take care of themselves. Talk to dad (won't do much good, he's an addict), and start looking for places where he can have a significant life enjoying outings, good food, companionship, and fun. Do it before his brain turns even mushier. Insist that he go there if you can find one that will take him (you're in charge now, he doesn't have capacity to make his own decisions). Hire a professional exterminator to get rid of the bedbugs everywhere all over the place.
And for Pete's sake, plan so your kids won't have to go through this with you. I've already made all my funeral and inheritance plans and am choosing pictures for my funeral home's website today. Never too early to get all that out of the way so my children won't have to go through what I did with my own parents. En avant!
I think POA is off the table unless he understands what it means. If I got it, it would be immediate. Having it does not mean you have to care for him. It gives you the ability to find out what his finances are. Gives you the ability to sell his property for his care, his car. Gives you the ability to place him. Gives you the ability to apply for Medicaid.
It means the senior is endangering themself by doing so many of the things you describe about your FIL (and his SO) for the reasons you state about him, including the alcohol abuse. Reporting it would put in motion an investigation from Adult Protective Services (I think) which, if I remember correctly, could lead to the senior becoming a ward of the state. At any rate, your state's APS would be a good starting place.
Best wishes to you, your wife, and in-laws as you get Dad settled in a place that can effectively manage all of his care so you can regain the peace and order of your own homes.
If you are not already POA I suggest that you make no attempts to get POA over a demented man no longer capable of conferring it. I would transport him home and I would report him to APS as a senior in need. If you intend to be his guardian you have a massive job on your hands with placement and with cleaning out and selling his premises. You will not be able to easily resign guardianship as well.
Your first step should be consulting an elder law attorney for options. This could break yourselves and your marriage. EASILY and QUICKLY. Take heed! Get help at once. Placement sooner rather than later is the answer and you are unlikely to easily find that for someone carrying bed bugs along with him.
I am so sorry. You are in a mess and the wrong step was taken by taking him into the home. Placement would have been easier and more certain had he gone from hospitalization to placement.
The main issue I see at this point is the fact that your FIL is an alcoholic, and while a lot of assisted living facilities allow a few drinks in the evening, they will not tolerate an alcoholic.
You don't mention if your wife or her sister are POA's for their father, so that too will make it more difficult to have him placed if those aren't in place.
And the fact that you had his mail forwarded to your address, now makes it look like your house is now your FIL's permanent address, which without POA's in place will make it harder to get him out without evicting him.
You and your wife have gotten yourselves into a hot mess to say the least, all because I'm sure your wife felt "sorry" for her father, and in some weird way despite him being abusive to her in the past, thought that perhaps by helping him out she may earn some of the much needed love that she never received from him. It's sad.
I'm sorry that you've been dragged into this and I wish you all the very best in getting him out of your house sooner than later, so you can live in peace and bedbug free.
We forwarded the mail just so he would stop using that as a reason for him to go into his house. I did allow him to bring one small piece (a short antique bookcase) to our house to refinish, but ONLY after I thorough checked it for any bugs. I gave him the use of my shop because he is admittedly and understandably bored. He brought another piece up to work on at my SIL's house to work on when he is there Saturday and Sunday. He finished the book case and now wants another one, but I told him no more unless it is one of the pieces that he has outside in the yard covered in a tarp. I don't want anything from inside the house.
We have to make sure he washes his hands after using the bathroom. He says he did, but I have checked several times and found the sink dry. I won't eat anything if there is a chance he touched it. We get his meals ready for him with the exception of breakfast. He actually makes himself instant oatmeal.
This morning, I had to remind him not to walk around in his underwear in our new large family room with the blinds open for the neighbors to see. Common sense and decency are not his strong suits. I have made him pay for everything that I had to buy to treat the bed bugs in our house.
His car was at the garage to be inspected and the mechanic refused to do it because it smelled so bad. We had to go to the garage and my SIL drove it to our house. She had to wear a mask and rubber gloves. The smell was ungodly. He said it was probably a dead animal in the wheel well. I said no, your car is so trashy that I'm sure you forgot food in there. I told him to clean it out and that is EXACTLY what it was...food that was left festering in a sealed car for weeks in the heat. I am airing it out now and got a chlorine dioxide bomb to hopefully get rid of the stench. With age and the Parkinson's, his sense of smell is all but gone.
I swear as I write this...we could write a book and people would think we made it all up.