Hello and thank you for everything HERE!
My FIL who is my husband’s step-dad has started his decline. I've made excuses and been compassionate and almost hopeful that what we were seeing was a frontal lobe issue! I’m now more concerned it’s closer to NPD or both.
Regardless, the angry mad-at-the-world is causing my husband to break out in a rash! The spite, unthankfulness, gossip, charging an older AZ person for water at church to "teach him a lesson", disregarding long-standing social cues to the point of vulgarity, bashing or sexualizing every female, dreaming up answers and conclusions just to “know it all” and now knocking on our doors after we’ve said good nights (and the fallout the next day from the unanswered door) on down to eating bad and demanding to do so, loss of bowel control as a result and almost bragging about missing the toilet in Walmart (as if you say “screw you world and any mess I give ya”). This WALL of refusal to allow us in the doctor, medication, etc. (won’t even give us the name)!
I’m a former HHA and loved it. I would still be doing it but my spine is collapsing on itself and I can’t pick up people anymore to my sad dismay!
Being up close and personal on this stage is so crazy, just crazy! I’m like a deer in headlights! I’ve not been on this end of getting the aids, doctors etc. in place.
We have, as of yesterday, cut some daily ties with him because two weeks ago he was VERY, VERY inappropriate with me when my husband stepped out of the room. Husband spoke to him and he acted like P-charming until his Father’s Day gift did not impress him. Since then he is nearly derailed with attitude! So abusive and obnoxious with my husband for obvious reason, the gift was not enough. We put space there, we know we need a second wind!
I have compassion on his grief, losses, failures, regrets and even his needs and wants but I can’t put myself in certain jeopardy that I know would go very bad. I’ve had too much abuse in my past! I also know my husband and if he senses this is all spite rather than decline (or he assaults me) this will not go well.
What I do know (cuz I love him and I look and listen)! He’s prediabetic (which again, has been my crutch in copping AZ), bp med, stomach acid pill, mild copd. He still drives, attends church on Sundays, and to those of us he treats beneath himself, he often will go to food pantries and pass out the spoils! Which started off as a blessing to him, but he’s souring and now it’s become his opportunity to belittle those he was blessing, I’m afraid.
I’ve done all I can to stop it and for all our effort, he has become worse!
I have to have a minute cuz I’m exhausted with the games, but I’ve got to have plan B when I get my second wind!
Do I call Cicoa? Do I stalk him to the doctor lol? My concern is he’s decided his vehicle is embarrassing and my SIL who bought it years ago has been MIA. He’s boiling about her to the point, would he? Could he wreck it on purpose to force her to pay attention to him? What on earth do I do with a fear like that? My husband fears the same as he has tried to run all the oil dry! On purpose!
We are still trying to joke with one another so it doesn’t sour us too! I welcome and long for your advice and stories!!! Hugs and more hugs to all who KEEP GIVING A CARE!
Ive seen homes- where there was no other soul around but a couple of aides! God bless you all who keep loving and giving!
Or do you live with him?
Who has POA?
Are you and your husband able to sit quietly and discuss the future (as in NEAR FUTURE) needs of your father for the POA to be used for placement? Because clearly that is what you are looking at. You will need a strong POA (or guardianship and conservatorship) which starts with a clear diagnosis of your FIL.
There is no answer for this sort of acting out and being a danger to one's self and other but placement.
If the family reuses to place him I would remove myself from the situation, would explain that it is not for a lack of love, but for my own self protection. Would explain that I will help out when and where able, but that I should be counted out of this equation.
I am so sorry for all you are all going through and wish you the best, but the best isn't what's coming at you, and it's time for real and honest evaluation and tough choices. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything has a good answer.
I wish you the best.
Thats where my husband and I are at and just- HOW do we go about that because he refuses any and all conversations on his medical, etc
My husband was away from his family til about 4-5 years ago and we saw his mom off to the other side just a few years ago. He was oh so sweet for about a year.. but went headlong to this now.
My Sil would be the only one who could or would have or know about POA - and she only answers and participates a couple times a year, currently.
And she is likely the ONLY ONE who could Force going to doc for appropriate tests!
But- all I can get there is “he says he got a good check up at doctor and is in great health”.. so… my conscience tells me I have to act!
And- I know in my heart- and from her behavior over her mother’s death… we are the uhm…warmer hearted?
And that’s where- once recovered from recent shocking behaviors- I will have to develop plan B!
How do I force myself into the medical team without him being compliant? :). How do I start without cooperation? How do I protect him publicly? This is a 7 mile town! If he has one inappropriate issue at church or? this little town would eat him alive!
You could write a letter to his doctor about your concerns. You could contact your local agency for aging to see if they have any good suggestions or resources. You could try to set up a meeting with your sil to discuss fil's needs and plan a course of action. You could detach yourself from the immediate situation making sure you are never alone with him because of his inappropriate behaviour and you could prepare yourselves for the oncoming disasters by reading up on the symptoms and progress of his condition.
Please distance yourself somewhat from all this stress. This is not a white-knight-riding-in-on-a-white-horse-to-rescue situation.
You confirmed a LOT!
I feel like I’m in the waiting room now…. Waiting to see how the distance and lack of contact for a moment affects him… or doesn’t?
Waiting to see if he beats the door down over the weekend? (We have decided not to answer the door after him trying to come over hours after he knew my husband went to bed…?) Waiting… til something happens where we are given an opportunity!
We are trying to find out his doctor’s name- as he will not tell us!
How would I go about researching this current behavior further? I am finding myself “on guard” and educating and preparing for the possibilities would certainly help!
A less dramatic method is to tell the Church powers that be that he is becoming sexually irresponsible, that he is being demeaning to “those of us he treats beneath himself”, and is misusing Church property. Whatever his status in the Church, they should not allow this.
Your FIL is becoming a danger to himself and others. You don’t have a magic wand to solve it all yourselves. You need to involve other appropriate agencies, and let them know about the risks, for everyone’s sake.
It was verbal… and it was directly involving me in the context and he was almost taunting…?
But yes, yes… I have not and will not have contact since as yes, yes.. I am concerned this could be progressive since he got so… ?… about the taunting!
And thank you so much for the ideas about a hard conversation with his pastor. I do feel an alert is necessary….
Cuz I just don’t know if he could act out!?!
If he had simply exposed himself- that would have been immediate…
You just jarred my memory to a 72 year old man I knew when I was 10.
Oh Lord!
THANK YOU!!!!
This is something that has gone beyond where it should have gone due to not taking the necessary steps, if he exposed himself to you that should have been the final straw.
This is no joke, this is serious don't ignore the signs, the man has lost his mind and he needs to be off the street.
But, I am concerned if I don’t remove my presence, that it could get physical on some level because the verbal issue was directed at me personally in a teasing - taunting manner…?
And absolutely concerned (he will do more than talk) and hoped you wonderful people would pick that part out and help me dissect!
I have sat for elderly who would cut up to let you know “they’re not dead and still notice stuff”. This was an “act” he began to tease me about “if I needed”..? Sorry .. my modesty ties my tongue at the specifics! But- he began taunting me … and would NOT stop. I went into a “what on earth blur” !!! And just SHOCK. I finally had to figure out a way to end it because he was NOT! I stood up and thinking “momma mode” might help and pointed my finger at him and said in a more raised voice than he had EVER heard from me and said THAT IS NAUGHTY! He voiced something and I said again THAT IS NAUGHTY!! I then had to talk over him about his deceased wife to get him to hush! It’s like he lost it! Derailed! … Very intimidating feeling he left me with!
As in- if he saw something he liked, he would say “those are nice..,”.
We actually covered our windows, hung a “closed for the weekend” sign on our door…we just cannot do another game weekend!
my husband spoke to a close member of the church to simply ask that he help us “guard the situation”. They all advised him to forbid him in our home until or unless we see change. (After uncouth went to what would have been verbal sexual harassment in an office…towards me..)
It SO STINKS that I cannot get my SIL involved or to even answer now with issues over him…. This is forcing me to be in a “wait and watch” but…. I’m sure she likely feels done with it… after years of being demanding of her for financial goodies… from both him and her deceased mom for years.
I will continue to dig for his doctor’s names from a safe distance and write them once I do.
Should I call any other agency for now?
Could or would APS offer any help?
What specific words and titles of other local agencies might be helpful?
I just can’t totally let go until I hit my own wall or dead end out of concern for others.
I don’t know how progressive or aggressive this could get for him especially since the medical issue is blocked by him.
We did talk and decide if he does AB or C, that we will handle him legally and prosecute if that’s what it takes to force a psych evaluation, very grateful for that suggestion! It would be a loving thing to do to stop him at our home if it could prevent someone else’s home from the like!
So grateful for you!
And please if anyone can- what searches do you recommend for local help and guidance?
Humbly thankful!
Just to vent here cleared my head!