Finishing out my dad’s “estate” and looking for some answers and advice.

I would not share how much each is getting. No need to create a fight.

I would be sure that you show dad's wishes to each in writing and make it clear that you are not responsible for the choices, just carrying out orders.

I never recommend having a relationship with anyone that is a trouble hunter. The consequences are never worth it and you are not responsible for his life. I love my brother from afar, because he tries to destroy my peace of mind and wellbeing and I refuse to deal with his hate and drama. It only gets worse if he feels like he is in control of the contact. Protect yourself from him and do whatever you need to do to keep your peace and wellbeing.

I did everything you did. Moms house was left to my Brother but it sitting for 5 years caused a Medicaid and tax leans so I had to hire a lawyer to transfer the house back to the estate because brother didn't want the debt. Best thing I did. The lawyer then took over Probate for me. The house sold shortly after. He handled that. The proceeds went into an estate account. As did Moms bank account where I had been putting her dividend checks and tax reimbursements. The Lawyer did the accounting. I was reimbursed for any out of pocket I had incurred. Once my brothers reviewed the accounting and signed off on it, they received a check for their portion of the estate. The house sold in June, we had a money within a month. But no one contested the accting. If they had, it may have taken months to settle.

Executors are entitled to a % whether written in the will or not. Here in NJ I think its 4% up to a certain amount. As the estate gets bigger, the Executor gets less. Make sure u take it otherwise it goes into the estate and gets split. If in Dads Will it says that the loan gets deducted from brothers share, then it gets deducted. If it doesn't, then not sure if u can deduct the amount. This is why hiring a lawyer may be a smart thing to do. You have done all the hard work so the cost of doing an accting and closing probate shouldn't be much. And having a sibling like you do, it may be in your best interest. He may not contest with a lawyer involved. Then you know everything is on the up and up. If brother contests the Will, then you can say the accounting was done by a lawyer. But by contesting he will need a lawyer and that is an expense he may not want. I found everything went so much easier with a lawyer. And I didn't have to do the final paperwork.

Taxes...this I didn't have to do because Mom hadn't paid taxes in years because basically she only got SS and a very small pension. SS is not taxable if your income stays under a certain amount. So, doing Dads taxes will depend on any outside income other than SS he gets. That is a question for his tax preparer.

Relationship with Bad brother may never be a good one. Sounds to me he may be self-centered, maybe a Narcissist or have some kind of personality disorder. If so, you will never be able to have a relationship with him. People like this never think they are wrong. So better when everything is said and done, back away from him. Do not allow him to intimidate, bully or abuse you in any way. Don't answer calls from him, block him. Don't answer the door. Have no contact. If you allow his abuse it will only cause health problems. Don't be there for him in any way. He will only use you and it will be hard to escape.

I was executor of my mother’s estate and she lived out of town. I used an attorney and she was worth her fee. According to the laws of her state the executor receives a commission based on the total of the estate. The attorney (also CPA) handled filing my mothers tax return and the one for the estate. Money was held in escrow pending a proposed property tax adjustment. Check with your local state laws on the period for creditors to come forward to make a claim. In her case it was 7 months and disbursements were not made until that time passed. A final accounting of all assets, expenses and disbursements was given to those mentioned in her will. I have read probably the same book on boundaries because my brother decided he not only wanted everything, but should be executor to do so. My relationship with him now? He lives out of state and never bothered with his family, so that is fine with me now too.

My sister was executor of my grandmother's estate. Please wait to disburse funds until you have paid taxes for your dad, especially it your need to pay property taxes. After the house finances are settled and dad's taxes are paid, you can disburse the rest of the moneys. Keep all paperwork for 7 years in a separate file.

When my paternal grandparents dies, their will specified the amounts each son would get. My dad got nothing since he had outstanding "loans" to them, They choose to forgive the debts as his share of the inheritance. So yes, take out the amount your sibling owes as part of distribution, Your sibling will not appreciate it, but he needs to learn about consequences of his actions and the other siblings should not have to bear his burdens.

As for how much the executor gets, does the will stipulate an amount or is it open-ended? Consider how much actual time -maybe keep a log - is devoted to finalizing the estate and pay yourself accordingly.

Just wrapped up my brothers estate. Take your time. Do not rush into decisions. Keep track of your time and what you did as an executor. Be compensated for that work. Hire an attorney if you feel overwhelmed. I did. Best thing I did. Put aside some money from the estate for unexpected costs. Get professional advice, tax accountant, etc. Follow your heart regarding your brother.

Sorry for your loss.
It's great your dad was wise enough to do this. So many don't and make this whole process a nightmare!

I'd have at least one meeting with an atty, to cover your questions.

"...changed the deed on his home allowing me to sell with without going through probate." This may result in having to claim the value of the transfer in your taxes. Granted it's being sold and proceeds are being used to honor his wishes, but it's a question I'd run by the attorney. Some states don't require it, but the feds may have a different opinion. It can be considered gifting and there are limits/year.

I hear you on the sibling. I have severed ties with OB, but it has nothing to do with inheritance. YB will likely be ignored after mom passes. He isn't as bad but still is a PITA! IF either gives me grief when we get to where you are, they'll get both barrels! YB and I are POA and executors, but he does very little and complains about the one thing I ask of him (taking mom to an appt 4x/yr - I can't support her wt and she won't walk/stand w/out assistance.) I think about 95%+ of the work needed to get paperwork done, find a place for her, get the condo ready for sale, and managing EVERYTHING for her all this time (over 4.5 yr in MC and years prior to that) with the only help from them being a few trips to help with condo (took 1.75+ years of MY time and effort!), they better take what they get and shut up. NO contact with OB in over 2 yrs and only contact YB when appts are due. They say/ask nothing about what I do (all 3 are trustees, but I manage everything for her.) Time to ask is NOW!

"My other sibling and I have some decisions to make on what our relationships with him will look like going forward."
THIS should be separate from any dealing with the will/inheritance. I'd table it until the dust settles.

"So, I’ve heard varying figures on how long to wait before disbursing money when all is settled, six months?"
This is a question for the atty. Once all funds are distributed, if anything comes up, you might have to pay from what you get. Not likely brother will pay anything back and sister might be reluctant too. IF the atty can give you a time frame and $ amount, you'd be able to split the rest later per your dad's instructions. Def deduct the IOU from first pymt!

"Do I need to file my dad’s taxes next year?" Again, best to ask the atty, but my guess would be yes - final reckoning, since he have had income this year. Even if he doesn't owe taxes, it might be best to file, just to CYA!

"When I divide what’s left do I have to show siblings what each of us is getting or only what they individually are getting?"
My understanding is anyone who's a beneficiary is entitled to a copy of the will. It would show your dad's wishes. However, for specific $ amount each of you gets, including your executor fee, it is NO ONE ELSE'S business. I had to take over for an exec who passed before it was finalized (what a nightmare!) In the will, the $ amts were specific for some beneficiaries, w/ the remainder split between her sister and nephew. There's no way until it's finalized to know what the split amount would be, so... He can contest it. If he pulls that, the court might require reckoning, but cross that bridge if you come to it. If you give a copy to each, he WILL see that he'll be docked for what he owed. It would be hard to contest that, unless there are questions about the amt. If dad specified the dollar amount owed, go with that. Beyond that, none of you needs to know what the other is getting.

"Pretty sure that’s not going to go down well and not looking forward to him being able to compare our amounts." Again, don't provide $ amounts to him, so he can't "compare", but it's a reason to have an atty (paid by assets before splitting final proceeds.) If bro complains, have the atty deal w/ him, even if it takes funds from the final split. Less stress on you! When all is done, split the remainder and wipe the dust off your feet!!

You should get legal counsel, for many reasons. The attorney who prepared your father's will may be conflicted out if your brother challenges the will. Ask friends and colleagues for referrals for an attorney that they had a good experience with.

I would not distribute any funds until you have resolved every single thing in the estate, including the final IRS filing. Should something arise that costs more money, you already know you aren't going to get any help to pay it once you dole out what you 'think' the shares will be.

Dad's will says that executor gets more and you did all the work. Does it say how much you will get for your work? Also, is the amount sibling owed dad a substantial amount? You actually have both of these things documented in a will so if you intend to follow the will exactly, there is no reason all three of you would not get an exact copy of the distribution - using the very inventory you have dealt with. List all assets (cash, house, etc), money added to the assets by way of selling things - there's the total of estate. Then list executor amount along with any other debits to show cost of estate work and subtract from total estate. Everyone will easily see how much the distribution to each will be.

The only thing I would consider is the debt brother owed your dad. Could you consider extending the olive branch in regard to the debt? You already said he is not well mentally, etc. Why add any fuel to his personal fire? I wouldn't do it. If after all is said and done you/your sister no longer have a relationship with him, walk away knowing that you didn't add any more pain or anger to his already unhappy life. If Here's my thoughts on taking money out of his share:

Let's say everyone's share would be $10K each. He owes your dad $5K. So you deduct that amount from his share. He gets $5K and I would assume you and your sister would split what he owed dad - giving each of you $12,500 each. If you think about it, your brother didn't owe either of you any money. He owed dad. Did either of you suffer in any way by loans dad made to brother? Just record what his share would have been had you followed the will as option 1. Then do an option 2 dividing the estate equally to all three siblings and write a statement to explain that you/sister agreed to option 2 so that everyone got equal shares/loan forgiven. Walk away as peacemakers. That's what I would do.

Three kids can be raised together and come out totally different because of perception of how something in life touched them. It may be totally wrong, but at the time and age they were when it happened, each one can remember it differently. No one will ever really know where his pain, anger, and perception of things comes from - he could tell you and you would remember it entirely different. Let it go. Let him go, if you must, knowing that you were as fair (or more than fair) as you could possibly be.

I had a developmentally disabled brother who was always hurtful in what he said to all of us.    We always tried to include him in family celebrations (especially Christmas). He was very self-centered and we felt he was greedy.  He died this April and I was talking to his wife, she said he felt left out of things because he couldn't do the same as the rest of us, that's why he came across as greedy and needy.  My recommendation to you is to treat your relationship with him such that you won't look back later and think I should have done more.  I know it's really hard to do but you will feel better once your brother is gone. 

As for the disbursement,  We did an initial one about a year after Mom passed, but kept some aside to cover any taxes or unknown bills.  Then the rest was distributed.  No, you don't need to tell him what everyone else got, but you do need to let him know that  the money he owed your dad was paid back out of his share. (I know he probably wont like it and wont feel it's fair, but you can counter that your Dad specifically wanted it that way.)    Hope this helps you.

A banker advised us to keep a checking account with Dad's name for at least a year in case we received a check in his name or a bill needed to be paid.