How do I get rid of the caregiver my mom likes?

Unfortunately, our elderly parents often form an emotional bond with their caregivers. This is one reason it is so important to get someone with a legit company who is bonded and with whom you have a contract. Even a long time friend of the family cannot always be trusted to care for an aging parent because as I read in a book that fact becomes a bridge for them to walk accross and take advantage of the person's dependency upon the caregiver. The name of the book with this particular story is Is Your Parent in Good Hands?: Protecting Your Aging Parent from Financial Abuse and Neglect

One of the biggest problems is the lack of laws on the books to protect elderly parents from abuse when the adult children can clearly see it. The emotional dependency of the aging parent on the caregiver who may or may not be taking advantage of them will often keep them from speaking out because they are afraid of loosing them. This is probably a poor analogy, but to expect an emotionaly dependent victim of an abusive care giver to file charges is like expecting an abused child to file charge against their parents or other relatives. We need new laws.

I have hired help from agencies and also independents. Both are viable options if you do your homework. My problem came when I didn't set the proper boundaries. One woman was with me for over 3 years and she became too difficult to deal with. She became depanding when it came to money and time. I am in charge of my house, so this attitude did not work for me. My solution was to cut her hours. Mom loved her, but did not see the problems that arose because of the caregivers problems at home.
She was messing up mom's meds and she was a nurse!!! The last nerve was snapped when she started kicking my puppy. I fired her . It was easier since she never worked summers and it was a natural ending. After the summer was over, I called her and told her we didn't need her anymore. It was painless since I didn't give mom a say in the matter. She was not seeing it as a safety issue. I was so relieved to have her out of my house.

If you are not comfortable with the situation, follow your instincts!!! I did and replaced her with a wonderful woman from the agency. She is the best I have ever had, and respect her work ethics. Good luck.

If your sister is there, turn around and go home. Better, yet if you know that she is there, don't go at all. You are being taken advantage of.

My fear, with these caregivers, is that they are actually suspect. These caregivers that are "overly caring", a lot of times, are actually fraudulent. At any rate, I'd definately do my own criminal background check. They could be nothing more than gold diggers looking to horn-in on the will. You hear stranger things.

Hi everyone thought I'd tell you about this funny little story that happened Tuesday.

Went to moms house to pay the man who pulls weeds for her. He comes every so often, more less than more now a days. Anyway I went over to take mom the money for him. Mom asked me to pay him, no problem he's been cleaning out her back yard for about 4 years now. He and I talk all the time and he can't figure out why sister and her family don't do anything to assist mom with her wonderful back yard. I already know the answer LAZY!

Upon arriving mom was in her bed and after I'd been there a while, (while the "help" was in the living room watching the other television) mom wanted to go outside to take a look at the garden. Now I didn't mind taking her outside but I only came over to leave the money for the man, not to stay and work. My sonz and I had made plans.

When I got mom up from the bed, her gown was soaked, which had seeped through to the bed. Needless to say I was angry. I marched right into the living room and told the "help" of the events. She said she kept asking my mom if she needed to sit on the pot or if she'd pee'd. I asked her "did you ask her that before or after you turned on the T.V.?" She said she was sorry, and that she is always attentive. I beg to differ but anytime my mom is soaked clear through to the sheet, that is not my definition of attentiveness.

My mom told me not to say anything because the "help" would tell sis. I told mom that sis needs to know herself how soaked mom was. I then told the "help" that I didn't care who she tells, or what she tells her but when I see something out of line it is my place to speak up for my mother. She kept trying to apologize but I'd said what I needed to say and was done with it.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, it was not my intention to stay at moms house or do any work in the backyard as my sonz and I had plans. Mom kept asking me to stay, but I would not. I did not feel guilty because I've been spending quality time with her gardening.

OK today I go over to taker her some Aveno, which she asked me to pick up. I park a couple houses back and walk up to the front door. Guess what NO T.V. ON THIS TIME. I walked in, went to moms room and there they were, both of them. Oh yeah you best believe that I touched that T.V. to see if it was hold. Nope cold as ice.

I didn't ask my mom what happened about the incident but mom said that I need to be nice to the "help" because she takes good care of her. I reminded my mom that being wet doesn't mean she's being well taken care of and no matter what she says or sis says that I am my own person, and I fear no evil. If I need to say it, it shall be said.

Now mom wanted to to do some more work in the garden today however that was not the reason I went there. I went to take the aveno and that was what I did. I had to refuse to do the work. Then I swear while outside she asked me to go to Jack in the box for her, I said no. Can you believe I get her back in the living room and she says the same darn thing right in front of the "help"....would you go get me the 3 sirloin burger special from Jack in the box. Now I'd already refused to do this xtra work, now I got to go to Jack in the box. OK so I go and they're super busy. I'm in there 20 minutes. I get the darn burgers, run them back by the house, and high tail it out of there. I'm sure the "help" would have loved to tell sis "your sister refused to even go get your mother something to eat". OK so yesterday I took a step forward, and today I took a step backward.

Moral of this story, my phone will not be answered for the next 3 days.

UPDATE-UPDATE. I'm going to try to make a long story short.

This morning, (Monday) my mom called me @ 7:15 AM and asked if I'd changed the care-giver, if I'd changed her hours from 7 to 3. I said yes, and my mom said that the care-giver told her "I DON'T WORK THOSE HOURS", and told my mother thank you for being such a great client and LEFT!. Do you hear me, she LEFT!!!! Luckily my sister was there and went to work late. I'm sure Jerroldanne talked to my sister prior to leaving though.

I told my mom that I'd be over straight away. On my way I called the new agency and asked if the new lady could come over today for training and so she did.

Now I am very angry that Jerroldanne Harroldson left and you best believe I phoned the agency and told them in which they said she can no longer work for them because she'd abandoned her post, so to say, but there must be something else that I can do to alert people about this unprofessional. If she was upset with the hours, shy did she agree when the agency called to inform her? I didn't mind her cancelling at that time, but to do so this way really let's me know the reason she did it was to start mess.

Luckily my mom was really OK with it. I'd already expressed my dissatisfaction with this lady to my mom. And my intentions were to lose her all together. So I should feel happy, but I kind of feel for my mom. It seemed better to just outright cut the ties as soon as possible and with no hesitation and I certainly have no remorse for doing so. Does that make me mean, coneiving, no that just makes me an attentive daughter who is cautious. And that is what we should all be.

Ms. Crystal kept calling my mom "mamma" and my mom said that she had some good ideas. But I have to tell you that I am so happy to get rid of that troublemaker that I don't know what to do. Of course I'm sure my sister will talk to my mom tonight and my mom will further confront me with questions 2morrow and my answers will be that I did what I felt in my heart that I needed to do and that will be that.

Pamela,
Your sibling is doing the classic "throw a tantrum and excuse yourself from responsibility." It has happened to me.

I now look at it this way: My mom is my prime concern. I trust my instincts and move forward. If you have her PoA, you mother has put you in charge because she trusts you.

You are correct to fire the "busy body." My mom tends to make friends with anyone who comes into her home. I keep telling her that these people are paid to WORK...they are not your friends or family and not there to socialize. I instruct them on what they need to do and keep a close eye on everyone. If I had a gut instinct that some one was crossing the line, I would fire them in a heartbeat. There are too many good agencies out there that will be competing for your business.

Even if your mom protests, always do what is best for her.

NO, you are not being unreasonable. Give them a time limit, sell the house and use the proceeds to support your mom in her new placement. Do you have real estate POA? There is a difference. Make sure it is only her name on the deed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are they all holding you hostage? Enjoy your life! Go have fun, and be with encouraging friends. Tell your sister it's her responsibility to care for your mom since she's living in her house.

My sister pays rent Austin. When my mom got sick, I made up a rental agreement for them to pay ME now. The rent will continue to be paid to ME even after my mom passes, that is if they want to continue to live in the house which is in a trust for my mom and becomes ours upon my moms passing.

I took leave from work to care for my mom. I am my moms child and she's always been my best friend. It did not matter what my sister chose to do. She is adopted and my moms blood is not running through her body as mine is. My mom and I have always been best friends, and I mean best friends. My sister has always been a little envoius of that but it never mattered to me, my mom has her relationship with her which is totally different from mine. My mom had 4 miscarriages and I was her miracle child, and I've always felt like my mom was a gift from God. Everyone that knows me knows my mom too. Even old boyfriends as I lost my dad in 1972.

My mom made me POA because I'm pretty organized and because my sister never skipped a beat and didn't stop working it mattered to me not. I was able to take care of all her business. I got all her paperwork out of the house and organized. I ordered all the things she needed, and I wrote to everyone about her stroke. I am her contact.

Yeah I go and visit, but sometimes I go and stay, and sometimes she calls me and ask me to come over and I go, and sometimes she calls and I don't answer the phone.

Yeah I'm getting the raw end of the stick, but as I've said now hear me here: when I want to get lost, I know how to do that and I do. It's unfair, but again I say that my mom's mind in not in the condition to understand all that stuff. Things that were annoying to her before don't matter now. The house is a mess, but she doesn't care anymore because there are more important things to worry about, hell I don't even care anymore. I've taken enough pictures of that house to last a lifetime and I'll hang onto them for when I need them but that's a different forum.

You are right I should only be going to visit but my mom doesn't look at it like that and when I use to try and tell her that she'd say I was stirring up trouble, then her blood pressure would go sky high. I don't wanna upset her I just want her to be comfortable and for her mind to be at ease.

When she goes I want it to be as smooth a transformation into Gods hands as possible because truly she is one of God's angels who's been awfully good to an awful lot of people over the course of her life.

Know what I mean?