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This MUST be a common situation and thus there MUST be a well worn procedure, but I can not find anything online about to do it! My dad has significant memory loss and refuses to admit it. We need to get him in a memory care home very soon and it will be done against his will. Would someone PLEASE point me in the right direction!

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Unfortunately, it is a common problem. Also, unfortunately, you may not be able to do it without court action to have him declared incompetent, which is difficult and expensive. Have you tried Social Services? Maybe they can get a social worker involved. That would give your situation some "teeth" and perhaps get action. However, if there's no obvious welfare problem, they may not be able to help. You could be helpless until your dad does something so noticeable that the SS can step in. It's heartbreaking and you aren't alone. But you are right that there aren't a lot of solutions, since your dad has rights, too, even if that means he messes up his life. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please keep in touch.
Carol
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You might also consider assisted living, which can have "independent" units.. My dad has Moderate Dementia, and has done very nicely in his community. It took a little prodding, but eventually we were able to convince him that this would give his family peace of mind, AND he didn't have so much to do to keep up his home, etc.. They can be expensive, but if your dad is a War Time veteran, he could qualify for the VA's Aid and Attendant Care Benefit, which deposits a monthly pension benefit of up to $1600/month for a single/widowed veteran.. Good luck...
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If you are having a hard time getting him to want to go, maybe a trip to his doctors would help. A doctor might be able to tell him that it isn't safe for him to live alone anymore. Or contact Adult and Family Services, though only as last resort. Having a third party might help take the pressure off of you, and he might listen to them. Of course maybe he'd feel better with people that can check up on him in his home. It would give you some peace of mind knowing that someone is checking up on him. Good Luck! Hope that everything works out o.k. for you soon!
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I agree with mindingourelders, You may need the court system to step in, or at the very least his doctor's consent. When he goes to the doctor/ hospital talk to him/her and a social worker, (they are so helpful about these tender issues).
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You state that he has memory problems. But I'm gathering he is competent otherwise. Why not take him to an assisted living facility for a tour (you can call any of them and they will be more than happy to give you both a tour). When your dad sees the assisted living facility he may change his mind. Many elderly think of these as "old folks homes" where they just sit and wait to die. He will find that it is quite the contrary. These places are beautiful, full of life - they have so many activities to keep them going. He may have a different opinion after he sees one. Find out if anyone he knows or knew is in one and take him to visit them - it may even spark him memory if he sees them. Sometimes when they see all the luxuries in the assisted living - they change their mind on their own. My mom was extremely surprised when I took her to visit them - as was I. And mom loved the idea of being "catered to". Her meals cooked for her and served like a fancy restaurant, her laundry done, her room cleaned (different assisted livings have different types of care), people to talk to that were her age and she had a lot in common with. It may be as easy as visiting a few places. If that doesn't work, maybe have a clergyman, close friend or doctor talk to him and tell him its for his own safety and for the families piece of mind. Remember if he does opt for the assisted living and goes there and down the line gets worse, you will have support from staff at the assisted living as to getting him into a more suitable facility. As above, if he is a Veteran, speak to the Veterans Admin. about the Veterans Aid and Assistance - this can also help with home care. Many assisted living facilities are familiar with this aid also so they would be able to help you. You can also go on line and get information. Good luck and keep us all posted.
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First Stop Forcing.........Then pick a time when things are settle and talk to your FATHER. Take him out and show him not tell him or force him. Take a friend that he llikes or YOU stay at home and allow a nursing assistant to take him out and show him a good time in the facilty you are looking at.
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Social services will most likely do it for you. Just tell them that there is no one to take care of him. Then argue with them, and tell them you don't want them to do it. Tell the social services people that they have no authority. This will cause them to show you their authority, and they will most likely put him in some place for you. If you ask for their help, they might not do it, if you tell them you do not want their help, they will do it, strange I know. But, that is how I did it with my grandfather, worked like a charm. ;)
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To bug, when you say your dad has 'memory problems' are we talking about Alzheimers full on, or the beginning or what? My mother-in-law has a terrible memory, I mean repeating herself every minute or so, but otherwise she can take care of her daily needs pretty good. She's in asst. living so they remind her of times to eat, she has places to walk safely etc. She doesn't need a 'memory care' unit by any means. I guess you need to be a little more specific as to exactly what state your dad is in.
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I visited many different Assisted Living homes. Then I took my mom to them, we had nice meals there. She got to do some activities there. It really helped taking her to several places so she could get over her fear of the "nursing home" back when their parents may of gone to. I mean, I wanted to move in!! Especially the independent living places.
These have 3 meals a day in dining rooms, they have nurses on staff (make sure of each place) med are given, there are things to do. You can come in anytime.
Mom really got to like it, but really I waited too long to get her into one so she could enjoy the people and activities. She was failing faster than I thought!
Assisted Living accepts those with memory loss. That is usually why they are assisted. From there they will transfer them to Memory Unit when it is needed, when the person becomes a danger to him/her self. MAKE SURE you have fully visited their Memory Unit and approve of it. My mom is in a wonderful place now, having to of taken her out of two Emeritus's for lousy care. She is now in Brookdale's Freedom Inn. Professional care. And they listen to me, and we have meetings all the time to address anything I have concerns or input about. Emeritus threw us out because I demanded they do what they promised, we lost our $5000 deposit. Brookdale's Freedom Inn has bent over backwards and has brought in Hospice care, not for end of life, but for her needs which are so great now. Now my only guilt is if I don't think I visit her enough, but have gotten freedom now!! And know she has a team attending to her, I am not a team, I am one person.
Medicaid Diversion is available to cover a good $1000 worth of care needed (have to get on the list and have funds reduced to receive it) I retained an Elder Lawyer for mom's larger funds, we are working on that now for nursing home care) , the rest is rent and food, which the resident pays. And VA pays $1000 (we don't have that).
Many different facilities and many different prices.
Good luck, get him into an Assisted Living facility. When he needs it, They will put him into Memory Care. See, Memory care is for those who are Forgetting how to eat, and to the bathroom, or wandering, outside, down the road and getting lost, over and over, etc. Assited living most have memory problems, but physical stuff they are still able to do, and it is so streamlined, they can follow it.
Hope this helps.
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PS Memory care for someone who is not ready for it is extremely tramatic.
Assited living is not tramatic. Sounds like your dad is still pretty aware in the present. Just forgets a lot.
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What can I do if my sister (who hasn't been in my father's life for 3 decades) has POA and has made it so that none of my siblings are allowed on his property. She came in out of nowhere, checked my father into assisted living and now has POA. My dad's wife had a heart attack and is trying to recover so she really can't do anything. Any suggestions?
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Just because she has POA doesn't mean she can keep you off of his property. It depends on what the POA says. Did it become her property? Does she have the right to not allow you on the property? Questions that need to be answered - and it should all be in the POA. Don't just assume that because a person has a POA for someone that they can call "all the shots" - only what the POA will and won't allow them to do - which it will specifically state. I would get a copy of the POA and check out the stipulations and wishes in the POA. Ask her for a copy nicely, without giving her a clue as to why you want to check it out - otherwise she may be reluctant to give you a copy. Good luck!
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We were able to persuade an elderly friend to try various facilities on a temporary basis. She went through three of them before settling down in an Alzheimers facility, but knowing that her home was intact during this process gave her a sense of safety and security, and made the transition less abrupt.

There were some stressful elements, though -- she did go home when things weren't going well, and when she was at the facilities she had a daily list of things she wanted from home. It was worth it, though -- less disorienting for her, less depressing, and she retained a feeling of control during a stressful and frightening time of life.
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Friend - we have just gone through this very thing. Dad has vascular dementia and was paranoid. He would lie about taking meds, would do NO hygiene and started hiding stuff, etc. More importantly, he refused to go anywhere - even to the doc so getting him out of the house for eval was nearly impossible and the police said unless he is an "Imminent threat" to himself or others, he has the right to do what he's doing. We were able - after weeks of frustration - to get him out. 1st - my mom has Power of Attorney - this was critical. 2nd - the primary care physician was able to prescribe low dose meds that made him less aggitated, 3rd - my husband and I took a stand and removed his 'drug' of choice - the television. 4th - we told him he had to go to the doc to get the tv back on, 5th - he finally agreed and we took him to the emergency room and had him involuntarily committed for psych eval. From there he was taken to a geri-psych hospital where they evaluated his dementia and set up a medicine regime and care plan. Dad, like yours, is not physically incapable, but he would not allow us to care for him - it had to be done but man it took forever to figure out how. There is no tired and true way -especially since the system is wary of elder abuse issues and you feel like you are all alone. Having the POA is critical because it allows you to submit him for evaluation and yes, do not involved Adult Fam Services unless it is critical.
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I don't know how all of you can afford these facilities! They are out of my budget.
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I hear you. my Mom want's to stay in her home. I got the Vna involved and they and your Primary Care giver involved and they can be of huge help in solving your problem.
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Does your father own his own home?
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My situation with my mom was almost identical to kkuhn's.

I have DPOA, MPOA and "Guardianship due to incapacity". Moved her from her home to IL and then after a couple of years there moved her into LTC this January. Did she want to move, absolutely not. Was it a forced move, absolutely. But it needed to be done for her own security and safety and health. With the POA's, I could do this. If you don't have them in place already, then it is going to be much more difficult and you will need to find an elder care attorney who practices in the county where dad lives.

Without the POA's you probably will have to go the guardianship/conservatorship route. This involves going before a judge and lots of paperwork and financial & family disclosures and court supervised monitoring/reporting for life. It's sticky - you need an attorney. The family MUST be united in the approach to care for dad.......otherwise the judge could appoint an outsider as the guardian. You want to keep that from happening as it is very difficult to revoke and there are even more court costs involved.

In my experience I will say that if you are moving him into a private pay AL or NH situation, then it is going to be alot easier as they need the revenue stream. Even if he's a cantankerous old goat! If it's moving him into a NH or LTC and he's going on Medicaid, then it won't be as easy to get him placed. Good luck.
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I think we have to remember that they have feelings also. Being moved out of all you know and love is difficult for anyone no matter the age.

Are there things that would make it better? Picking out a new bedspread or sheets, taking favorite photos, assuring them their belongings will be safe and not thrown away.....just reassuring and also letting them help with decisions. I know that isn't always possible but to feel absolutely like they are loosing control is scary!

Put yourself 30 yrs down the road and what do you want....how do you want to be treated. I don't like it when my spouse tells me what to do! My kids?! I hope they are learning from my example with my dad.
Just some thoughts to put yourself in their shoes.
Just some thoughts.
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I agree with newtonjoyce above. Moving to another place will be hard for them. Many are thinking that this is the next step closer to death (I've heard that many times from those moving) and it is VERY scarey for them. When the decision is made to move, you can help make the transition a lot easier, by making it a "fun move". Get them new things - if possible take them to the store and let them pick things out that they would like to have. Keep them involved. As newtonjoyce says - new sheets, bedspread, new sweater or shirt that they can show off and wear at the new place (maybe a new shirt with pics of their grandchildren on it and it will help start a conversation with others), etc. Also make sure they have some of the old familiar favorites from their home - so they feel comfortable with familiar things around them also. Pictures of family members definitely. Remember this is a whole new adventure for them - have patience - all works out in the end.
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Their shoes are highly unlikely to be our shoes IMO.

My experience is that trying to let them make the choices just doesn't work. I think it could when you are dealing with active, health and financially very well-off elderly in their 80's it can work. But there are very few of those out there. When you are dealing with those with dementia and other chronic illnesses who are aging, they have no reality of their cognitive state and what 2011 expenses and their fiances are, then there aren't alot of options out there.

Their safety,health and security should be what it is all about. If you have to forcibly make them move and legall can, then do it.
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What I am suggesting is that you let them feel like they have a say, even dementia folks have in's and out's of memory. I think many are more aware than you think and maybe not in the way you say, but they know love/ appreciation/ and so on.

A gentle reminder here and there. I think there is room for kind persuasion. Just like a child, 'which shirt would you like to wear, this red one or this blue one'. If they feel like they have some control, life is better all around. I know it is not the answer for everyone but let's remember they have feelings too.

My grandmother was told by her daughters that she was moving out of her home and into a facility and she had a nervous break-down. All she really needed was somebody to check on her daily. They had already picked it out without her knowing. They were loving daughters, but after that I learned my lesson.

And....just because it is a facility doesn't mean you can take them there and never check up on them. I know of a woman living in an assisted living facility. She didn't show up for breakfast. The staff never checked on her to find out why. Her 2 children came by to visit that afternoon. She had fallen in her room several hours earlier. Terrible.

Another friend's mother is in another facility. The room is never really clean. My friend had to discuss this with the staff. Just be aware and if something is out of place, take it seriously.

Sorry this is so long.
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newtonjoyce what you say is very valid, but it doesn't seem to me to address the basic issue here. How do you arrange for a person with dementia to receive the care necessary for their well-being, even against their will? Sure, be nice to them. No one questions that. But tellings someone who has dementia and does not admit it that he can buy all new sheets! isn't likely to help him face the reality of his situation. I can't tell from your profile and I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your situation, but have you ever done caregiving for someone with dementia? Have you ever lived with someone with paranoia?

And, um, what is this about taking them there and never checking up on them? Is there any earthly clue that buggerman or igloo are talking about that? We really can't assume that everyone who needs to place their loved one in a long term care facility is just trying to get rid of them and won't continue to care for them. Yes, what you say about it is valid, but putting it in this thread seems a little out of place to me.
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Is your father under a Dr's care? has he been diagnosed? If yes who is aiding in his treatment and appointments and daily routine? Who is in control of his health finance issues(POA)? These things are first steps. A Dr needs to find a need for this type of care and if you don't have legal ability to talk to Dr's you need to get that in order (POA). Before admitting into a facility you need to prove payment.
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Newtonjoyce is right on target. Very insightful information from experience.
Small simple choices go along way in the "moment" as that is what these people only have. I see the caregivers at my mom's Memory unit do exactly that. They are very experienced there.
Forcing a move is traumatic. When they put my mom into Memory it was horrible. It should of been transitioned slowly. Mom pulled the fire alarms 5 times, causing the fire department to come out 3 of those. I can't tell you the pain I still endure from this. But she has been failing so fast it is the best place. Just done harshly.
I am glad, Newtonjoyce, that you brought up the serious need for family to visit often. I have caught problems of every nature as many never have enough caretakers. It is easy to put off visiting for a week or two, but not a good idea. Caretakers at Mom's facility tell me many children live far away. Who watches over these people, I always wonder? As I said, I now have Hospice on board, I work closely with home health care nurses, and I keep a strong communication with the management and the caretakers, in house physical therapy and especially the Nurses! Even those who clean and cook. Every time my mom falls they call me with a report. If she is off to the ER I am immediately contacted and I meet her there.
Good places want you involved, want your feedback, questions, and ideas.
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what can be done when sommeone was fraudulently put in a dementia unit that doesnt belong there.
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Maremare, a little more information will result in better answers for you.

Who put this person into dementia care? Why? How long ago?

What is the evidence that this isn't the right place for this person?

Where do you think this person should be?

It is very good of you to be concerned and to want to help. Provide a few more details and perhaps someone here can give you some suggestions.
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Take him to the Doctors. Discuss with the doctor because they can help the ball rolling and inform you. Tell him you are taking him for a check up...but get the doctor to evaluate him and talk to the doctor about the situation. Social services like Carol said is another route but if I were you I would take him to the doctor's first and then ask to speak with the doctor alone. After that I would then look up social services in your state and call to talk with someone to come out for a 'visit'.
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My father is 96. My mother is 86. She is doing most of the caretaking for him. He is not a kind, loving, caring man and never was. Now his anger and dimented behavior is taking a toll on my mother. His mind is gone but his body is still strong as an ox. He might live on a good while longer making long term assisted living or nursing homes out of the question financially. Besides. he absolutely refuses to go! Any suggestions out there for my problem?
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iweins9, what does your mother want? You say he has never been a kind, loving, caring man and yet she has stayed with him for decades. She must see something worthwhile in the relationship. Has she asked for your help?

Would it help Mother to have in-home help, such as someone to bathe Father, housecleaning services, and Meals on Wheels?

Is Mother in favor of moving him to an appropriate care center? Let us know what your mother's attitudes are about this situation. Maybe someone here can then provide more specific help.
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