My mil is alone for the first time in her life ( FIL passes away in December ) she calls my husband ( her son) for every little thing. Finances, real estate , moving, dr appointments, any bills, house repairs,now she needed medication administered iv, and he's having to do that because she doesn't want to pay for it. He's always over her house. I love her and care about her, but I'm getting so resentful . We have three kids, and I've become a single parent. He has two brothers who are happy to sit back and let my husband do everything; and he will because he feels like it's his job. She is getting more and more helpless, because she loves his attention and company . HELP!!
But mostly, you need to have a quiet night out with him and explain calmly how you feel, and how this is affecting you and your relationship with him.
Obviously, if you husband refuses to set some boundaries, there is little you can do. It's not your place to contact the other adult kids and line up their duties. He must know you love his mom. I'd just lay it out. Set a day and time that will work, but insist that you agree on some limitations. Caring for a senior can take over your life. Every decision surrounds the needs of the senior. I don't know how old you are, but I would not let it restrict my life when there are other options.
Depending on your Mom-in-law age, it wasn't uncommon for couples of that generation where one took care of all the finances thus leaving the other spouse bewildered about doing these things once that spouse had passed away. Back in the 1960's, I remembered our family physician's wife had died, and he didn't even know how to write a check. Back then, couples weren't crossed trained.
Remember, Mom-in-law is still in mourning as it has been only seven months... she needs to get through all the stages of grief. And that can overwhelm her also, as here she thought she and hubby would be together for a very long time. This is a huge change for her.
I totally get your complaint, though. My DH is a workaholic, spends time with his buddies, his social groups, his charities, church groups. Been this way ever since I've known him. He is an enthusiastic dad and granddad too. He is also making time for his mother, who lives with us now.
I love the advice that geewiz gave. She is still a new widow and is still trying to get her bearings. Have her over for dinner and ask her to bring her famous dessert (or whatever). Involve her in the lives of her grandchildren and their activities. Do they have recitals, concerts, ball games or other activity that she can attend? Maybe she can drive them to their lessons and give you a little break. Help her to understand that her life, although different, isn't over. If she's suffered a major loss and had to move on top of that, there may be some depression at play. Not all depression needs pharmaceutical help, involve her in your life, and encourage your in-laws to do the same.
What medication is she having intravenously and what qualifies your husband to do that competently?
I'm not saying that any sibling was neglected, but by the time there are already 2 children in the family, there often isn't as much time for the youngest one.
It could also just be that your husband is more responsible than his brothers.
I would agree that in some generations one spouse handled certain aspects of the marriage and the other didn't, leaving him or her w/o experience when the time came to manage life alone. That could be pretty scary.
I agree with getting her out and in circulation, whether it's a book club, church, senior center, even just shopping. Staying home alone with no apparent social life other than your husband only increases her isolation and dependency on him.
What about people who were friends of your in-laws when they were a couple? Is she in contact with any of them?
It also wouldn't hurt to have a talk with your husband and his brothers and make an effort to bring them back into the fold by participating in MIL's needs. Even if they don't to, they have an obligation.
Not only would it be less work for him, but it would allow you to help from home and minimize the time he's away. In addition, it might bring him to see your viewpoint by showing that you're willing to help. He might otherwise resent your position that he should spend more time with you and less with his mother.
Then he might be more disposed to understand how you feel about the time he's spending away from home.
You might also check with the local senior center and/or the city or township offices to see if they have chore programs that could help your mother.
You mentioned moving - is she leaving her house and moving elsewhere?
BE SURE to send her grandkids over to her house with your husband while you shop, they may really cheer her up!
Then, there is the IV medication. Find a nurse to visit her, not the duty of a son.
Please, don't forget the compassion.
Dysfunctional, every Saturday.
I didn't type too many details for fear of too much info. and people losing interest and not reading the question.
1. She is 74. Had a stroke a few years ago, gets around ok with a cane for balance. Otherwise in decent health.
2. She is moving to a senior living community in a few weeks. Is very happy about this move; she is social and I am praying this will satisfy her need for company.
3. She needed an iv antibiotic and insurance would only pay to have it given in a nursing home or teach a family member to administer it. INSANE I KNOW. She could have paid out of pocket for a nurse and she can easily afford it; but she is as cheap as they come. So, my husband of course says " yes, I can do that ".
4. My husband has always been a do-er. Plays sports, hangs with friends, works long hours. This does have something to do with me feeling neglected. I already felt this way prior to him becoming his mothers replacement husband.
My concern here is how do I communicate that there has got to be some kind of limits, without sounding like a ruthless nagging nasty witch? I feel terribly , and my resentment is growing so that I can't stand when her number comes up on caller id; I don't even want to talk to her. I am so angry that she has put herself upon us in this way; and is being so selfish demanding he do everything for her; knowing he would never say no.
This winter, we had a TON of snow. He shoveled her roof one day for 12 hours ! She could have paid someone to do it; but I think she really just didn't want to be alone , and loved having him there all day.
I think my husband and I are so far apart on this subject right now; I'm worried and don't know how to bridge this gap.
I'm angry and resentful that he is rarely home; will do anything and everything she asks... But doesn't see the neglect and lack of caring for his immediate family and his marriage.
Ps: I am completely aware of how terrible I sound !
And in the meantime; I'll be here running our house and family alone.
I can't get him to see, just being present in our house is what our kids need. He thinks if there isn't a task needed to be taken care of by him, we can manage without him.
The variety of things he busies himself with that you describe have one thing in common: they make him popular. What a great guy, they all say. That's a nice feeling for a chap to have in return for whatever he is doing for people; so one stratagem that you could try would be giving him small specific things to do and then laying the praise on with a trowel - just so he gets that warm fluffy glow at home, too. if he feels appreciated to start with, he might be more receptive to your explaining that you would like a bit more of him to appreciate. Then you can gradually start introducing positive alternatives for his mother from there.
All easier said than done, I know. But you'll feel better about the whole thing once you're working to a plan... (heh-heh-heh!).
You hit the nail on the head with the one thing this all has in common " what a great guy" feedback. He thrives on this. But it always makes me wonder why he doesn't care if we ( his wife and kids) thinks he's a great guy. It's been the issue for a long time; just presenting itself in different circumstances.
Thank you everyone for giving me some options to deal with this.
But we manage to balance things. It's not good for me to always be totally absorbed in my parents care or projects I have going. Ya gotta come up for air once in a while.
Our caregiving situations are different. Mom and Dad both living but 600 miles away. They are in their home but it's getting dicey. I will never move in with them nor will they move in with us. I Have to spend periods of time with them taking care of things and this will continue, but I'm not going to sacrifice my life and marriage to caregiving. They will go into care when the time comes.
Having said all that, I really am inclined to side with you in this situation. Hubby needs to be able to balance his life and time for all those that need him, not just Mom. I would not want you to risk your marriage, but I think you need to confront this and stand tough. Don't make it a me or her choice. It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family. Of course this is very easy for me to say. I assume it won't be easy, but don't let this build up till you explode and say or do something you'll regret. If he values the marriage and your relationship he will talk about the issues and adjust. If he refuses, he's got Mom. He can Clean out the spare room at moms and move in.
Ask him to limit his time to two days/evenings a week. And rather than be at his mom's beck and call, he will plan his time with her. Her heart is broken. His is conflicted with guilt. He's the ham in the sandwich right now between you and mom.
Keep in mind that the compassion he shows with her is the same he has for you. And that's a good thing.
Need some deeper help than what was first presented by me. My goodness , am I glad this is anonymous !!.
I will bide my time and pray that this move makes her happier and less dependent on my husband.
She will develop new friendships, eventually start going things with the gals, and your hubby will be spending less and less time there. In fact, if the senior village has a doctor/nurse office, they could do the IV for Mom.
No more worry about shoveling snow :)
Too cheap to pay for help or too hungry for the attention these little crises win her? Do we have a narcissist alert going off here, Cmomthree? If so, you may want to think about a more active approach than prayer to help you with boundaries.
Windy also advised against making your choice a "me or her" - something like an ultimatum. You'll lose.
He also wrote: "It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family."
I'm sure it's difficult, but if you could find some way to do this - make it a family affair, you'll be able to spend more time with your husband and he with the children as well as his mother.
Readjust your thinking from feeling neglected to seeing this as an opportunity to spend more time with him in an activity that he clearly needs and wants to do.
Sometimes it's better to find a way to make a less than desirable situation work in a compromising way. This could actually be a more positive experience for all of you, and as others wrote, in a few weeks she'll be in a facility.