Our mom had been going down hill for about 3 years. We noticed issues, friends noticed, strangers noticed. Her driving had become so bad she turned left at a red light in front of a police officer and then pulled over a curb before she stopped. They told us not to let her drive again and we haven't (even though she keeps talking about when she starts driving again...). She also was having serious issues cooking so my dad took over that role. But then dad died a few months ago and now we are taking care of mom. She has since been diagnosed with alzheimer's complicated by a stroke which affected her vision (and we think other things). But despite two doctors and a neurologist telling her she has alzheimers, she refuses to admit anything is wrong with her. She insists on doing everything, despite the fact that if we let her do a lot of things she will either injure herself, someone else, or destroy whatever she is in contact with. For example, today we had been at my farm working on a fence. She went with us because she insisted she could help. But it was cold and when we got home I was exhausted and just wanted to sit down. But mom wanted hot tea. Making hot tea requires the use of the hot water pot, opening tea and measuring it into the pot, pouring hot water, and ultimately pouring hot tea. She sometimes can manage measuring tea out, but she can't pour water at all. She pours it all over the place. She can't even fill a glass at the sink. But instead of realizing she can't do these things, she got upset with me that I was doing it for her and accused me of trying to take over her house (a common accusation for her that I've heard a thousand times a week). I couldn't just let her pour boiling water on herself or a cat or the floor, so I didn't have any choice but to help her with the task ... and yet, because she doesn't believe that she has any problems, she's constantly yelling at me to leave her alone. I already have POA and I'm good with her doctors and on her HIPPA forms ... it's getting mom to accept this situation that is maddening to us and we have no ideas. The doctors have told her repeatedly what the situation is and what she is diagnosed with. But she just denies they said anything. I'm losing my mind.
Example: She could probably fill a great big plastic cup at the sink, and she could get the tea measured (or hey, switch to tea bags) and put it in a cup while you boil the water in a safety teapot (you tell her that YOU need that so YOU don't forget to turn it off, OK?...I use one myself for real BTW after trying to mutitask and burning up a nice teakettle or two) and have her hold the cup steady while you pour.
Totally totally totally let her be in total denial, be wise as a serpent, innocent as a dove, and creative as all get out to find ways to let her particpate. If she goes on for the rest of her years, however many she has left, thinking nothing is wrong with her except some little coordination and memory problems, she can be happy and loved and maybe accepting most of the help she actually needs.
Now you get to be the one to deal with the realities, and thank God you have the POAs already, but a difficult reality is that she will need more help and supervision as time goes on. You will get one situation figured out and then something else will crop up. But, let her talk about everything she does and wants to do and even about how she will drive again, just don't give her the opportunity to do things she really can't, without her quite realizing she is progessively being more limited in what she can do.
Don't lose your mind arguing. It will never work. Agree with darn near anything she says. And, thank her for helping with the fence, too. :-)
One thing that is important is to let them continue to do the things they can do. My mother still makes her breakfast and does her laundry. Sometimes it would be easier if I did it, but she does need to do as much as she can. If something is not dangerous I just stand back and clean up the mess if needed.
It is exasperating at times. She'll accuse me of taking over her life or her house at times and yell that she's not crazy. It makes me feel unappreciated, but I know her mind is not working like it used to. We don't use the D word around here because it would be too upsetting for her to have other people think something was wrong with her mind.
"Mom, of course you can make tea! You've been doing it all of my life, and before that. But now that you have some issues with your coordination that is a job you can retire from. You deserve a little waiting on sometimes. You can retire from all the jobs that involved boiling water. But would you get out the small dessert plates and tea cups? Let's have a little treat with our tea today."
There is another part to this scenario I want to comment on. You came home and were tired. You'd like to sit and decompress a bit before scurrying around the kitchen. But in order to keep Mom out of danger you need to drag yourself in there. This need to supervise or help or prevent Mom's actions will just escalate. Dementia often reaches a point where one person cannot adequately care for the person with dementia without considerable in-home help, or placing the person in a facility designed to safely care. Maybe some day Mom will need to go to a really nice retirement home.
Meanwhile, there is no value in trying to convince her of something she is never going to accept.
You have a wonderful old fashioned name
While my mom understood she was having memory problems and would parrot me and say she had dementia it really would just make her angry insisting lots of people have trouble remembering things
When she would try to heat up the mr coffee pot on the stove and melt the handle it was quite frightening to me
As bad as things now seem to you they will get much harder so try to take a deep breath and make whatever you can easier for yourself- instead of formal tea - how about a cup in the microwave and a Lipton tea bag ? I make mom and me tea this way now that she's at memory care - she thinks I put a teapot on the stove -
Mom was a hard worker and even now will help fold napkins for dinner and still folds towels better than I do
Dementia is a long and exhausting journey for everyone
She does accept that she has "coordination problems". She fell down trying to spread the tablecloth over the table a few years back and that was the last time she attempted that. I guess I should be counting my blessings. It helps to hear about the other side of it.
She will easily admit to having short term memory issues, but still insists her long term memory is great (which it is not at all, it's been declining too)
She insists she can still drive, but thankfully since she has no clue where anything in this town is, she gives up the idea very quickly. It was a huge bone of contention when she was still living out west.
The only person who seems to be able to get away with telling Mom the reality of the situation is her long-time friend/therapist. Mom will listen to her, sometimes disagree, sometimes agree, but almost never gets mad at her. She has gotten mad a few times, but of course, doesn't remember being mad.
I tread lightly when I discuss Mom's health, but she's aware enough of the time that she'll say, "I'm losing my mind." and I reassure her at those moments that she is doing everything medically recommended: exercise, playing games, puzzles, eating nutritious food, taking the recommended medicine etc.