My mother has pneumonia and thinks she wants hospice. She had pneumonia in September and says her body has changed, and she's done. She is 97. She doesn't know what hospice is all about. The first meeting is Friday. Her mental faculties have been sharp, but are waning due to lowering oxygen levels. Today my sister-in-law who lives out of state and hasn't actually been here to help in two years, picked a fight and was angry that I don't let her do anything. She has held a simmering belief that she would do a much better job than I do. I have taken care of mother for five years. Now I don't want to be in the same room with my sister in law, who, when I asked how she sees us all being with mother, said : we're all light and happy for your mom so she can go happy."
My expectation is that she will try to take over, make decisions, and undermine me which is what she has done in the past and I don't think I can take that during my mother's last days. My brother has told her what the limits are...she doesn't get to make decisions, (I amended that to say she could tell us her ideas) she will not keep me from being with mom, and she is not to interfere. But that will only last while my brother is in the room. I have told her it is OK with me if she takes care of mom on the days I'm not here and that I know she wants to be a part of this. Right now, I'm not even sure mother wants hospice, but my sister-in-law absolutely insists it's what mother said she wanted, and she's afraid I am going to push mom to do something that she doesn't want. On the way home from the hospital today, my mother said it was hard to know what to do because she didn't know what it was all about. My job is to clarify and advocate for mother. I keep cautioning that mother may change her mind, but I'm mostly worried mom won't be able to understand without good oxygen levels. In September, she changed her mind about getting treatment for pneumonia, when she had previously had a POLST that said no treatment. She changed the POLST. And insisted on treatment. I'm willing to let mom go. I just don't want her panicked and scared because she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law. I have included her in the caregiving when they were in town. It seems now I needn't have bothered, as she wanted to be in charge because she could do a better job. Yet, they weren't here, and came only when it was convenient.
I don't have anyone in my life to support me. My friends care, and all, but I'm single and don't have other family. The only caregiver groups are on days I'm at work. I also take care of my Aunt. I get the most support from her caregivers! Right now, I don't want to see my sister in law or be around her. I want to be alone with my mother and have there be time to talk. I suppose Hospice, if we go forward, will help with all this, but do you guys have any experience about how to deal with someone who is angry, and resentful and thinks it's OK to pick fights on a day when my mother decides to let go of life....I tried like the dickens to talk rationally and calmly and was rebuffed. She couldn't see my point of view no matter how I tried to open up and calm the water. (I've also posted this in hospice, to get their perspective) Thanks.
And your sister-in-law just looks for things to be upset about. Imagine your poor brother living with that every day of his life. I'm sure it's not just with you...but that she does it about a lot of things. One way you can deal with it is when she does something like make a rude comment, just think to yourself, "Oh there she goes again. That's just how she is." And then let it go. Don't bother to give her criticism weight in your brain. She's not worth it. She's a negative, miserable person. And now she'll have to find other things to be miserable and critical about.
And it's very normal to feel both a feeling of sadness and of freedom. That's just being human. Now you don't have to worry about your mom any more. She's at peace. And I hope you will be too. Please remember her life and not the last day and her death. I'm sure she wouldn't want you fussing over whether you said this or that to her. I'm sure she loved you beyond measure and would be happy for you to go on and be happy and at peace in your life. And I'm equally sure that she knew that you loved her and would miss her.
And honestly, I might love my mother more than anything, but changing her diapers is still unpleasant.
Death is so bleeping incomprehensible. Where did she go? I still don't really understand it. May good memories and passing time bring you comfort.
Blannie's advice is right and excellent. It is also a great deal kinder to your sister in law than I feel capable of being right now. I found myself weeping with anger this afternoon to think of someone mocking a person like yourself who was actually in the process of caring for her dying mother. It made me feel sick. But, again, Blannie is right; don't waste anger on her, it can only hurt you.
It was generous of you to share your sitting still time with your mother's aide. She will remember you gratefully for that. There never is enough time, though; that's the world turning, I'm afraid, there's nothing you can do to slow it down.
I am very glad that you were able to make clear your wishes to take your time with clearing your mother's home. You were right to understand that different people have different ways of coping; but your ways are the ones that matter now.
Not everything about your mother's passing was as calm as you could have wanted, the aftermath bureaucracy must have been a trial. But you're through it, your mother is at rest, and soon you'll be ready to enjoy looking forward - as I'm sure she would have wished you to, knowing, I'm equally sure, that you wouldn't miss her any the less for that. God bless you. xxx
As for the picture being posted, if the facility agrees, I think I will make a memorial board for the facility. I can make a place for people's pictures to be posted. It would be so much better than not knowing. Thank you for the great idea. And thank you for being here.
This is a very difficult time. I know. Be kind to yourself. You will get through it. You are still in shock and probably feel like you are in a fog to some extent. . No one prepares us for these things, though everyone faces them at some point. Keep coming back here for support. Let us know how things work out. Big (((((((((hugs)))))))))))). My prayers are with you.
I thanked my brother for taking care of all the legal stuff. He said he owed me one since I had settled the last two estates. I guess we're all on a roller coaster.
The floodgates are really starting to open, and I'm haunted by my mother's last hours. I know it's healthier to bless everybody, forgive everybody and let go, It's my mantra. But right now I feel like I was in an altered state when that happened because of feeling attacked and now I am back in touch with my feelings. My mom was in there swinging at the end, and I don't know how to think about it. I told someone who laughed and said "of course, who else is she going to swing at". And I laughed at that. It's so true. We did go back to 1960 and the death of my father and that whole dynamic.
The funeral home counselor suggested writing an obituary that offered a contact email for anyone interested in getting together for a celebration of life.
My brother thought that was a good idea and we can have the gathering at the school before a basketball game. Just put out dessert and punch and put up some things to remember Mom. So I went to the apt. and retrieved a few things, and I can fill in the rest of it from my stuff.
I've discovered today that I am coming down with something. If you don't hear from me, I'm under the weather.
Thank you so much for helping. I know all the wisdom here comes from loss and experience. Bless you all for sharing.
Everything here is quiet. My brother finished clearing out the apt. today and the task is over for him and he is relieved. We will wait for the death certificate now and I will take care of mother's Christmas cards (repackage and send with a note of her passing) and write the obit. I'll contact the school or the grange to see if they are available for a celebration of life. Her pastor wanted us to have a funeral at the church, but mother wanted us all to go out to dinner and have fun. I'm still not sure the plans are settled, but with the holidays, it's hard to know if things will work out or not.
I am continuing to grieve and my poor Aunt is beside herself. My mother married her brother in 1941. We have spent every holiday together all those years, except I didn't join until later, of course. We will get through this.
I reflect on all of you and your expressions of concern and caring. I feel truly blessed you took an interest and made the effort to help me. Without this community I would have suffered and blundered far more. Thank you. I hope I can repay the kindness I found here.
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