My mother is a 75 year old ill woman who is practically unable to walk any longer due to her illness (COPD, Emphysema, Asthma). Its bad.
She was an absolutely awesome mother to me in my childhood. She made mistakes like everyone, myself included. Looking at the big picture she did well and I was brought up correctly. When she became ill some fifteen years ago, she started changing.
We are now at the point where I try to see her twice a week so that I can make sure that I have no regrets like with my father. I was in my twenties and regretted not spending more time with him when he was at the end of his time due to Cancer. It still bothers me.
I cannot even be in the same room as her any more. We end up arguing from sentence one. She is ultra defensive at all times. Today I said that the carpet needs a clean and she took it as me accusing her of being a dirty person. Which then turned into "the carpets are stained and cannot be washed", which is some sort of excuse strategy she has been employing. Often some made up thing in her mind that she believes in the moment. Another example is that I go to her home only to wash my clothes. I am a 37 year old man who has lived by himself for many years, and I have my stuff (imagine). I don't rely on her for any funds or anything really for over a decade. I only go to her home to actually see how she is doing and spend time with her.
I do suspect some sort of geriatric issue with her. Perhaps the lack of oxygen all these years has sped this up.
All I want to do is exist with her in a room, have a conversation that isn't making both of us depressed, and somewhat improve my our relationship before she is gone.
I am all ears people.
Greetings from South Africa.
It is also crucial to know when it is time to end conversations. My mother was miserable in her last years and there was only so much verbal abuse I could take. I made sure there was an aide present during my visit or my husband was with me because she would be on better behavior. I never spent more than 15 minutes maximum having a conversation because it could get ugly at any moment. When her attention drifted to the TV (she was a Western fan) I would just get up and leave, even if it was less than 15 minutes, I wasn't going to play second fiddle to Bonanza.
Reading more closely - Mom is the one who says that you go there just to wash your clothes, not that you are really doing it.
How about talking about the good ol' childhood days and fun times growing up during these visits?
That's why everyone thinks you are doing laundry at her house. I thought so too until I re-read it and then understood that you are telling us she accuses you of this, not that you do it. Just fyi.
I think you are right to spend time with her even if she is cranky now. I wouldn't take it personally as it is part of her decline. She likely has some cognitive issues at this point, so arguing with her will be a fruitless pursuit. It is important for you to read up on dementia so that you can be ready for what happens. This site has great info, and it will help you to deal with her behaviors. Be ready to redirect the conversation quickly, so that the arguing can be lessened. I think the idea of music is a great one, as you can find out what music was popular when she was young and play it for her. Make up a list of questions to ask her about her life and yours, and your family. Ask her about these things in a neutral but interested way, not like a police interview or anything lol.
Perhaps you can take her for shopping or lunch together? Would she watch a movie with you at her home? Can you play cards with her? Here in the US bingo games are very popular with the elderly, if that is the case in SA that could be an option. I know you don't gamble but bingo is not the same as the casino, and you could help her with the cards and numbers that are called out. It can be difficult to sit with someone and make conversation under these circumstances but I think you will be happy that you tried. Their world gets very small at this point and so there's not so much for them to talk about. Maybe you can tell her about your life and work, what you are doing, and maybe even some old fashioned gossip about your friends and co workers. You could even make up stories about the people you work with to keep her entertained. If she likes magazines and celebrities and reality shows that can be a good conversation maker as you can both discuss the ever evolving lives of other people, giving you a break from arguing over things. Can you watch TV shows or movies together?
Just keep in mind that you are not the reason she is grumpy and mad, she is mad at the circumstances and you are there at the same time. You can try separating yourself from your feelings of annoyance with her. That's hard but it is doable, especially after you do some research here and elsewhere about the elderly and how the mind is affected by the brain dying bit by bit. It makes it easier to let go of anger at her when you know it could be her mind interpreting things the wrong way. There will be a lot less give and take in your relationship, and it will become more about you giving things to her, like your time and understanding. You can still have a satisfying relationship but you will have to adjust your expectations to her new reality.
Doctor has prescribed her anti depressives previously and she is using them currently.
My sister and mother could not be a room together for more than 5 minutes without a fight starting. I'd listen and could not for the life of me figure out how the fights started or even what they were about. I came to understand that they liked arguing, argued out of some strange need to contradict each other, or had past grievances that they couldn't get past, so tried to find fault. Neither acted that way toward me.
In your mother's situation I suspect she is simply not feeling well these days. What if you concentrate on her health, how she feels about her deteriorating health. No solutions offered, as her doctor can give that sort of thing, just listening and letting her know you care.
Bring flowers
Ask if she needs groceries
Make her a cup of tea or hot chocolate
Bring a cake by and share it
Bring by photos to look at
Play soft music
Watch a comedy show and laugh together
My mother had dementia and was impossible to talk to. I'd bring her snacks because theres no need to force conversation while eating. Distraction techniques work better than trying to drum up conversation which can always go south. Stick to neutral subjects that she cannot take offense to. The weather, the garden, things like that. Try a stroll outside in a wheelchair if at all feasible. In other words, do anything to keep her occupied and non argumentative. My mother would holler black if i said white. So the key is to keep conversation at a minimum while still spending time together. Look at a new magazine. Rag magazines like People can keep you both occupied laughing or clucking your tongues at outrageous celebrity fashion or behavior, then you have a snack, watch TV and it's time to leave.
Get creative. Mom's in a bad mood and argumentative due to probable cognitive decline. That can be very challenging. But if you play your cards right, you'll both have a semi pleasant visit and you'll leave feeling good instead of wanting to pull your hair out.
Good luck to you.
I have tried to get her outside with assistance. She does not want to go anywhere, with exception of the casino once a week, which my brother tends to. Gambling is the only thing that excites her to force herself to get out. Makes no sense to me but if it brings her joy great.
I'd pick a snack at the store that reminds me of her and my childhood. And when I visit, say "I brought you this!" smiling, remember the time we .... and then share a brief memory.
Wouldn't stay long, once she starts getting irritable! And would not bring laundry. Don't do your laundry there, because she knows you're stuck there - until it's dry.
Just bring you, a treat, and a short, happy visit. And don't worry about little things around her house.
Make the focus: Enjoyment & a treat. Just try to enjoy the Mom that you love during your visit.
Stop doing your laundry at her house. Just go and visit her. This way if she starts up and tries to pick a fight, you get up and leave and won't have to wait for your laundry. When you call her, same thing. End the call if she starts. It is not your fault she's in poor health and you didn't cause her health problems.
Have a real talk with her. Tell her plainly that you will not fight or argue with her, nor will you tolerate any abusive behavior. If she cannot treat you respectfully when you visit, you will stop visiting.
This is often what we have to do when out parents get like this.
There are some interesting comprehension things going on here with the laundry.
Appreciate some of the helpful comments.
The first reaction is if you came to my house when I was quite ill and told me my carpets were dirty I'd be annoyed too. It doesn't seem important in the grand scheme of things and I'm not sure why you pointed it out, unless what you really said was mom I'd like to send the carpet cleaning company to make your house nice for you.
The excuse strategy you reference on her part looks like it could be confabulation. Confabulation is when a person with cognitive decline isn't able to think and reason properly and so in a panic they start making up answers that sound good. Often they will make up a different answer to the same question each time you ask it. It's maddening when you think they're doing it on purpose but it's understandable when you realize they're trying to please you (or get you off their back) with a plausible answer. They don't know the real answer any more.
Mom talks about the carpets every time I enter the house for five years. I am just talking about what she talks about to find commonality. I was actually going to discuss cleaning the carpets there as well as my own but we didn't get that far.
Others here are so right: she is winding down her life and it's painful in every way, so of course she's testy. And you have a right to limit your time with her. However, if you really want to try "the impossible" and see if you can turn things around before she is gone, maybe ask questions about her deepest, most painful regrets or fears or hurts in her life. I did that with my parent and it turned out to be healing for us both, also very hard but worth it. I listened and she talked, a lot. Eventually, she ran out of regrets, anger and criticism, of herself and toward others (which was basically me because I was present with her at the end) and she found a sunny spot to be in, right up until the end of her life. I don't know what's possible with you and your mom but I hope there is a change. You're doing a good thing, just being there and checking on her.
It sounds like your mother is having cognitive issues. Never argue with someone who has cognitive issues, because they no longer have the capacity to reason or have deep meaningful conversations.
If she starts being unpleasant, end the visit or phone call. Stop rewarding bad behavior. Stop subjecting yourself to mental torture.
Say something like "Mom, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I'll check in with you later. Bye - I love you."
Ask her doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant. It helped my mom immensely.
When you visit, try rephrasing things into questions so she feels like she's the one making decisions: "Mom, do you need any help with upkeep? I can find services to help keep your apartment clean so that you can enjoy it." And then accept if she says no and move on.
My 96-year old Mother lives next door to me and has moderate dementia. When I go there I always try to bring something to give her: her favorite fruit, dessert, newsletter. My husband has a trick where, if she starts going down a negative or paranoid path, he starts showing her pictures of cute animals or funny pratfalls by people. If I'm there by myself and can't turn around her Bad Mood ship I pretend I'm getting a phone call and run out the door. Often I will hang up on her if she is irrational. You can't pick your family members but you can pick your boundaries with them.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. When visiting, don't have any expectations for how it will go. Expectations are premeditated disappointments. Bless you for trying so hard but now you will need to come to peace with the reality of her present and future. It won't get better for her. You won't be able to make her happy. Do what you can accept but do not feel guilty for any outcome. Most people don't have consciencious children like you, so count her blessings for her. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
Thank you.
But don't hold your breath on that one, as her being pleasant days may sadly be over for her. And it's not your responsibility to make your mom happy or her days pleasant.
And if in fact you are doing your laundry at her house, find someplace else to do it, as it will be one less thing for her to complain about.
I wish you well in dealing with your mom and know that all things can not be fixed and often we just have to make the best out of things, best we can.
It's a brutal disease, usually from years of smoking. Don't expect your Mom to be cheerful and happy anymore. I think most all our Mothers seemed so amazing when we were young.
She's lost her husband, her health has gotten worse and she's in survival mode at this point. People with COPD don't live into their 80s. Anything you say is going to been taken or seen as criticism. She doesn't want to hear anything from someone so lucky to be in their 30s.
It sounds like Mom doesn't want to socialize. You can't force a happy relationship with someone so obviously bitter about her current, terrible life, which is nearing the end.
I would limit visiting Mom. You could try to bring her some flowers, or some food she loves. Otherwise, keep it to quick phone calls. You can't make her happy, so stop trying.
Don't take it personal. Be glad she doesn't want you moving in, or for you to be caregiving. That doesn't mean you tolerate the abuse. In her situation, any conversation that gets ugly should be your cue to leave.
I wish I had better advice. My Mother was terrible at the end.
So scary to think this was from smoking, she stopped at 44 but it never reversed.
Mom does want to socialize that is the thing. She is very lonely and reaches out at times just to talk. I am one of the few that do and I feel as her son its my responsibility to try be there. She was there for me after all.
Il try the advice of short and "sweet".