How can I cope with the guilt of not wanting to care for a terminally ill narcissistic mother?

Hugs and more hugs to you. Please don't think you are a bad person because you feel cold to your mother. It is not your fault. Narcissistic parents often hone in on one child they think they can control. In this instance, it is you. In my family of 3, it is me. When you are routinely on the end of receiving harsh treatment by your mother; a sort of detachment takes place even though you don't realize it.

You sound like a wonderful and caring daughter who still wants to do the right thing even though the relationship has fallen apart. Maybe if you first just visit your mother at your sister's house, you could get a feel for how she is going to act if she were to come out and visit you.

If she is negative and abusive; that would be a sign that a visit to stay with you would most likely not be beneficial for you or her. I don't know how far apart from each other you are; but, sounds as though you would be happier if she did come to stay with you, despite the circumstances. If the visit was too much, she could return back to your sister.

I learned with my MIL and mother to be emotionally prepared for any outbursts; and when those occured - I tried to stay calm and walk away from them - even though I felt like yelling and screaming at them. So many of us on here deal with this personality disorder. I have become quite proficient at redirecting the conversation when it starts getting ugly, and just walk out of the room and allow them to deal with their feelings alone. Since you know death might be iminent;
try saying to yourself I am doing the right thing and feel good about it. I am a good person and whatever my mother says is not going to hurt me anymore. Believe me, when there is no reaction by you - they are left to stew by themselves.

Who knows, maybe this visit could work and you would know you did the best you could do. Keeping you in my prayers. Blessings and take care.

You need to realize you mother is mentally sick, not just physically and you need to accept and acknowledge it. You do not need and an official diagnosis. A person that acts the way you describe your mother is ill. I am not convinced this is the golden child theory. But illness is illness. She sounds much like my dad. Her behavior is a manipulation game she is playing, she will always do this. She will never stop this behavior, never. You have to change because she will not. I have known my father is mentally ill for years; he is now 82 years of age. When he was 81yrs old he was diagnosed as histrionic, sociopath, etc. by one doctor and another to have narcissist’s behaviors.

You have to realize she is sick, mentally ill, and she is content and does not want to change. When you realize this, then you can change how you react. You don’t have much time. You’re angry because you want her to be the mother you should have, you want her to stop the cruel behavior she has towards you, SHE WON’T. Don’t waste your time trying to explain to her how much she hurts you. She knows, this will confirm to her she succeeded. Don’t waste the last year with her trying to get her to understand the specifics of her actions. She has been doing this for years, she gets it. She is older and wiser then you.

She is mentally ill, she is content doing these actions and she is responsible for her actions. Yes, she is responsible for her actions. She knows exactly what she is doing. She knows she is hurting you and she is content and will continue.

When you realize this, you will not be angry. You will be sad there is no fix. You will be grateful you did not inherit her illness. I do not get angry, I get frustrated sometimes. There is a difference. My dad is draining and keeping him from destructive behavior is quit a job. My father never stops manipulating, he never stops playing games and enjoys being cruel. He’s a master at this and always seems to be ahead of the game. I am his only child taking care of him. He has several children. I take care of him because for me it is the right thing to do. I do not owe it to him. I owe him nothing. He gives nothing but pain to people, because that is him; he is a person that enjoys manipulating people and causing pain. People that meet him for the first time think he is the most wonderful person, I hear this from nurses, and others. He will be very kind to you, to your face if he needs you. He occasionally thanks me when I do things for him; I know that he would never do the same in return. He views my kindness to him as a naivety and weakness. I smile and say thank you and move on. It would be a mistake for me to believe his kinds words are respect. He would never make a sacrifice to help anyone; he would view this as a weakness on his part. Even the smallest of a sacrifice to help someone a tremendous amount would be considered a flaw by him. He just wants to keep me around because he has no one to help him or use. He can thank me and so forth and turn around to the next person and say the most awful things about me. That is what he does and I do not let it bother me one bit. I am there to take care of him and I do. I have not been around him for 10 years or more. Now he needs me and I will be there not because I owe him, I don’t. I did not pick my parents.

He is old and ill now. I know him and accept him for the way he is. I do not try to change him. I changed myself along time ago. I work within his boundaries. I take care of him the best I can. I do want the best for him. When he does his bad behavior I remind him it’s not in his best interest, sometimes he listen and sometimes he doesn’t. That’s the way it goes. It is what it is. I do not expect anything from him because I am taking care of him. He has nothing to give. He will always do what is the best for him. As far back as I can remember he said DAILY WITH PRIDE, “Hooray for me to hell with you.” I do not expect anything from him. I know if he says nice things to me it’s because he is getting something out of me, and wants more. I also know he is saying a hundred nasty things behind my back.

I will take care of him until he dies. Someone has to, the state or me so I will do so. I am not hurt by him. I realize he is ill. I realize he is also content being the way he is. When you realize the same with your mom you will be content and just do what you feel like you have to do. You owe her nothing, this is not about her. THIS IS ABOUT YOU. You need to act on what you can live with. You must let the hurt go. Yes, it’s a shame that my dad is always mean spirited. It’s a shame that your mom is as well. My dad would run me over with a truck if he had another provider that he thought would take care of him better then I do. I am not kidding with that. It’s past time for you to stop being hurt and just be there as much as you chose to, for her sake and yours, mainly yours. You have sisters that will take care of her. Remember do not set boundaries for her that you know she will not adhere to. Your history of setting these boundaries when you know she will and can not adhere to them is dysfunctional on your part. Help yourself and realize this and stop. You know your mothers history and to insist that she obeys you because you must have her obedience is not going to happen. You already know this. You said every time you have tried to set boundaries she tramples them and you get angry. You have to understand your mother which you probably already do to some point and you have to address your dysfunctional pattern of wanting to fix it. You are setting boundaries for her to get what you want, which is relief. That should happen but it never will, not the relief that you want anyway. You’re dealing with someone mentally ill. You can’t change her. Quit trying for the both of you. You are the parent now. Realize and admit it to yourself, who you are dealing with, realize she is going to be gone shortly and be content with what you have. Your relief will come when you understand, adjust to her, and, quit expecting her to change, she won’t and can’t, she’s an old dog. Remember you owe her nothing. But you do care so do what is best for both of you, recognize she is ill and you will NEVER have a loving supportive mother. You have what you have and quit being hurt and just be there before its too late. Let the anger go and realize she is mentally ill. Be glad you’re not her, you could be, we all could be and many are. My dad gave me and education with this, and when I put it all together I understood my childhood better. It gave me an understanding which I am grateful for. It should have been no big surprise which it was. It’s called MENTAL ILLNESS. Mentally ill people are everywhere and are at all different level, some are functional and some are not. Most are parents. Your family and mine are many. You are not alone.

First piece of advice: get a counselor. You probably need some good guidance now that you can count on to draw appropriate boundaries.
Second piece of advice: as much as you will read here about selfish siblings who won't help out, I fully recognize (and encourage you to, as well) that family relationships are complicated, and some siblings stay away from toxic situations for good reasons. Some stay away because they truly don't recognize the scope of effort that goes into caregiving, especially for a (let's just say cranky) person.
My own sister is a thousand miles away, and has her own issues to deal with. Her relationship with my Dad was never placid, and so she is better off offering assistance from afar than from next to my side.
You may be just like my sister. You may not.
In these times of crisis, there is a part of us that cries, "Get me out of this!" and another part that cries, "I have to fix this before it's too late." Neither part has all the facts. Both parts can co-exist and neither part has to "win." A good counselor will help. I send you all the best.

Rose, you are not the "golden child" but the "Scapegoat". Always getting the blame, right? So from one scapegoat to another, stay far, far away. The reason, nothing will ever change. So protect yourself.

Rose: It sounds like you live a great distance from your mom (other side of the world you said). If one of you is going to make the trip to visit, I suggest it be you. Having your mom in your home will be more difficult than visiting her. At least your sisters will be there and you can leave when you need a break.

In addition, such a long trip for someone who is ill is just not advisable. What if she got very sick at your home and had to be hospitalized. What if her cancer went into high speed and she was not well enough to travel back to your sisters. Tell your sisters and your mom that it's too risky for her to make such a trip and you will be out see her when you can arrange it.

You can talk to her by phone in the meantime and go visit when and if you feel the time is right. You can send her cards and notes. If you want to visit her, then it's best if you can just let the things she says go in one ear and out the other. You will feel better if you don't take the bate.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to all of you who have taken the time to relate your painful experiences and give some hard-earned advice. You have shared your wisdom and given me some hard truths to think about. This is difficult territory, but it's somehow made a little easier knowing others have been on this path and are still around and willing to help others.

Rose, are your sisters aware that their mother treat you differently then she does them? If so, then I can't imagine why they would fault you for not wanting to see her. Guilt is supposed to be for when a person has done something wrong and KNOWS it. I don't see that here to be honest. If you're close to your sisters, call them and tell them of you dilemma, see what they say. I guess if it were me, I'd go see the mom that treated me so bad, and say 'goodbye mom, too bad you're such an evil person. bye'. Then leave and go back to your family and thank God you're NOT like her.

No offense NancyH, but I would leave out the "goodbye mom, too bad you are such an evil person" I can't see the wisdom in taking time off from a job and paying for an airline ticket just to take a cheap shot at someone who is dying. Mom is the one who has the mental illness, not Rose. Cattails.

Rose, have you prayed about this and asked God for wisdom and guidance on what to do? Only He can give you the right answer. It is helpful to hear from so many others, but ultimately, God will give you the best answer. All you have to do is surrender to Him, knowing you are helpless to know how to handle this complicated situation here. He knows you, He knows your mom, He made you, but God is love, and your mother's behavior is not of Him! The bible teaches us NOT to be angry or show hatred towards a person, for it is not her that is speaking and acting, but Satan himself through her, using her. The bible states: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12
This scripture is telling us that what you are wrestling with is Satan, not your mother. Your mother represents flesh and blood, but Satan is the spirtual host of wickedness, he and his fallen angels. Even in the Garden of Gethsemane when the soldiers came to take Jesus away, Peter got all excited and and in an attempt to protect Jesus, Peter took a sword and attacked a man named Malthus, the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear. He (Jesus) rebuked Peter, saying, “Get behind Me, Satan! For you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.” Mark 8:33
What is happening here is Jesus is speaking out against Satan that is acting through Peter. God is love, Jesus did not want Peter to react like man would, but how Jesus would. Now Rose, this doesn't mean you would actually say in front of your mom, "Get behind me Satan" when she is verbally harming you, although I have done this with a sibling before, and it did stop her in her tracks. But realize is is not your mother who is behaving like this, it is Satan through her. Like Sunny64 says, she is sick. She IS sick, she is full of the evil source. You need to pray to God with all your heart, mind and soul for her deliverance, so she can be delivered from this evil source before she dies. It is possible Rose that you could know your real mother, if she was clean of Satan. Do you know of an intercessary prayer group in your area? If not, maybe you could seek one out for help in prayer. The main thing Rose, is to realize again, even though you think this is your mom thinking, saying and acting this way against you, it is not. It is Satan. It is a spiritual sickness, that demonstrates itself out as a mental illness. So keep this in perspective, and be upset with the behavior, but LOVE the person. If you can do that, you will have succeeded. Jesus won the battle against Satan. The battle is won, we just have to pray and reach out to Jesus for strength, wisdom, and protection against Satan. God bless you Rose. Janice



you say, "The thing I am really wrestling with right now is the disturbing truth that I don’t really want to see my mother even though she is almost certainly going to die in a matter of months",

Rose, I know that some promises really need to be broken, but in this case I'd like to see you keep your promise to yourself that you will not be alone with her again. I say go an visit her at least once, soon -- for your sake. You will always struggle with "should I have" if you don't. But also try to arrange for a sister or someone else to be in the room with you. Can you stay with a sister? If not, consider a motel. Why set the two of you up for an emotionally exhausting experience?

Can you help your sisters from afar? Perhaps send money to pay for respite care? Send them gift certificates for dinner out? Ask them what they need that you can provide without actually being present.

And I hope you realize down deep that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your mother is mentally ill any more than it is your fault she has cancer.

Best wishes to you.

I am one of the sibs that 'stayed away' for the most part, from my dad, who was like your mom... But when I did choose to do something or be involved, it was for ME, not him. So I can honestly say I have no regrets.... I was the Scapegoat, not just with him but the whole family... I am so grateful I am not like them.. but your concern for your sisters is very admirable... kudos to you.... follow your gut, not your heart or your head.... Make that visit, make sure someone is with you to honor your own decision to never be alone with her again.... tell her bye and leave... help out however you can and only if you want to for YOU... I don't and never did feel guilt in regard to him... he made his choices, I made mine, he is gone, I am still here with my head held high.... best wishes for you , just follow your gut....hugs

Janice: I appreciate your heartfelt post and I know you mean if with all sincerity. If you are suggesting that Rose pray for her mom and that her mom finds peace with God in heaven. I'm all for that.

Other than that, I'm going to agree with Jeanne. I mentioned before that I thought it would be a big mistake for Rose to have her mom come visit. Too much risk that, in her mom's condition, she might end up in the hospital and in Rose's care.

Rose, your mom has made her way and her choices. You have to make your choices too. Listen to Jeanne.

Love, Cattails.

Really, it comes down to how you feel about it all in the end. You're the one that has to live with your decisions. Can you live with them? Whichever decision you make in the end is the one you live with and know that you will live with it without any further guilt.

What can you do? I a nutshell - look after you, whatever it takes, and, believe me, the sky will not fall in.
((((((hugs)))))
Joan

This is such a supportive and diverse community; I'm so glad I found you all. I'm still not sure what course I'll be taking yet in terms of seeing my mother, but the advice to listen to my gut and take care of myself is ringing true. And my gut says don't go (yet). So does my bank account!

Happy Mothers' Day to all of you out there who have happy, loving relationships with your mother/daughters/sons. You are lucky folk indeed. :)

Hello again everyone. It's been a while. I have managed not to go home yet and I feel fine about that. My sisters have gotten my mom through chemo, and now -- when she really should be going into radiation -- she's coming to see me where I live. It's a long flight and she really isn't up to it, but she won't admit it. Although it will only be a three-night visit (she's going to a week-long writing workshop before she comes to where I live), my husband and I are dreading it. In the past, it's taken only a few hours before the tension, and then the arguments, and finally the tears (hers), to begin. But I really don't have a choice here. I live out in the middle of nowhere and she can't stay in a hotel or motel nearby, because there isn't one. She'll be here in two weeks. Any coping strategies? Thanks in advance.

Rose, I just saw your thread. I'm sorry for the difficulty you find your lot. Do you have any idea of what to do when/if she becomes unkinds. What will be your options. You need to have a plan that will shut her bad behavior down. Is she pleasant in front of strangers? Maybe you can have someone stay with you during the time she's there. A friend, or your husband? Do you know what her physical needs will be? You need to know what will be expected of you. If you don't have a clear understanding of what is needed during this visit, then you need to ask. What is her physical condition? What would happen if her condition deteriorates while she's with you?
This is a difficult situation. You'll be in my prayers. I wish I could do more.

Hi Rose: Good to hear from you. I guess I'm thinking about your promise to yourself that you would never be alone with your mom again. Is your husband going to be home during your mom's visit? Do you have a close girlfriend who would be willing to come stay at your house during her visit? I'm hoping you can surround yourself with adequate support, people who can engage with your mom and help her enjoy her visit while also giving some protection in numbers.

I feel for you and understand your dread. Try to distance yourself emotionally from her words and don't respond to negative comments. If you can control your anger by realizing that your mom has a mental illness, then things will not escalate. I think you know all of this. Maybe you and your hubby can practice on how to respond to her, before she arrives.

Good luck Rose and keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

Rose, I agree with cat and Jeanne. Go there. Do not bring her to your home. What if she can't go back? And the guilt? Why? Ask yourself has your mom been the loving nurturing mom that you deserved growing up. Mine wasn't. Just plain mean and hateful. I made the mistake of letting her into my home for 2 years and evicted her evil behind. Please don't let yourself get caught up in something that will tear u apart. Cat and Jeanne are very wise women and have helped me tremendously. Their suggestions are great!

Ok, no more cold medicine. Sorry rose. Just saw the date of the last post. Good luck! Hope you have a husband like mine. You pretty much know what's coming with her visit. You'll do great!! Lisa

Hi Cat, Jeanne and Lisa, and thanks for your replies. My husband is great and he will be with me the entire time my mother is here, but she gets to him, too, unfortunately. But yes, we will have each other to lean on.

I don't know what to expect in terms of her health. Her doctors are allowing this trip, so I guess they think she's up to it. When I spoke to her last she said she felt a bit wobbly (as you would if you had just had a chemo session!). In terms of her mental health, I have no idea what to expect so I will expect the worst and hope for the best.

Thanks again for your support, you all rock.

(((((((hugs))))))Rose I do think you know what to expect. It seems unlikely that she will have changed much, but you can always hope. I think it is wise to prepare for the worst, and have plans on how to deal with an "upsets". Any guilt has been planted into you by your mum, due to her mental illness. and it is a means to manipulate you. Please recognize it as such, and do not give it much credence - let it go for what it is. I hope and pray that the visit goes reasonably well, and that your mum leaves at the planned time. I say this as I have had a problerm with my narcissistic, BPD mum coming to visit and then staying longer than planned. Finally, between the tension and stress she brought with her, I refused to let her come to visit any more and confined my visiting to me going to her. You have this site to come to for suppor any time. Good luck and keep in touch. Joan

My husband’s mother is a very hateful and cruel woman; whom the siblings as well as her ex-husband believe is a narcissistic, sociopath. When I married my husband, he was surprised at how my family functioned, social gatherings without drama, people enjoying the gathering without any arguing and no excessive drinking. As his mother lives only two blocks from us, she was always invited. However, it was always a huge amount of drama getting her to attend. When his mother did attend, there was an uneasy feeling within the group. Not to exclude her, I made every excuse to assure her that she would be happier if she just attended. I was responsible for taking her to every doctor’s appointment, picking up groceries and taking her to the pharmacy. She was notorious for cancelling her doctor’s appointments an hour prior to the appointment; cancelling upwards of 10 times in a row. She would ask inappropriate questions about our relationship. She would call and rant for hours if allowed about crazy things; she is paranoid about everyone and rarely leaves her home. The scary part is she has a loaded weapon in her home. After calling our home over 20 times in 15 minutes; including our cell phones, my husband blocked her calls from our home, still allowing her to phone his cell. This actually caused the demise of our relationship, she phone my husband and ranted for an hour and no amount of reasoning could make her understand that she had caused this to happen and it was important for our family unit to have a calm and wholesome life. Just blocking her calls made her call the other siblings ranting about how cruel he was, how terrible I was and that she was sure it was my doings. He also told her that she could talk to him anytime via his cell phone but, she was not allowed to contact me or my family that he did not want, what was a healthy family, to have deal with her problems. He and his sibling’s wrote her a very detailed letter before Christmas, a year ago, outlining all that they had dealt with during their childhood, how she had affected every relationship, they ever had and how she constantly tried to pit one sibling against the other, and swear each to secrecy. Within the letter, they told her this was no longer acceptable. This letter sent her over the edge, swear she was the good mother, giving everything she had, how dare they challenge her parenting. It has been over a year with all ties cut, she does stay in contact with the other sibling’s, but it is very rocky and she can’t seem to stop bashing us for staying our distance. On the bright side, my husband is the happiest I’ve ever seen and our relationship if great. News from the siblings is her health is failing and she feels like we, my husband and I, should be more concerned about her health. Honestly, my husband feels as though she is dead, he has mourned the mother he should have had and the mother he still could have had she been willing to understand boundaries. Sad, but I think it is best for all. She will only continue the same behavior until her death if we allowed her back in our lives.
Therefore, I feel you might want to take the same approach, remember you did not ask to have this type of mother and she is not a child, she is responsible for her behavior and if she cannot or will not change, then live your life to the best of your ability without guilt, for it is a useless emotion.

I love the advice to get a counselor. As a mental health therapist I can tell you from experience that you are not alone. Many clients wait until adulthood to address issues they have carried with them for a life time. Being in therapy does not mean there is something wrong with you! Having a parent that was physically or mentally abuse can have lasting effects well into your adulthood. Now that mom is sick, it is very natural for you to harbor some guilt over not being there, or perhaps not being a better daughter. Don't do that to yourself. Ask yourself what you need to make peace with her and your relationship and then take steps in that direction. If it is important for you to feel that you have helped your siblings then make the trip. If you are at peace remaining where you are because that is what's best for you, respect yourself for making a safe decision. The important thing is that you are able to be at peace with yourself when all is said and done.

Rose, I know you posted this thread about a year ago, but I just discovered it today. I hope things are better for you. But I'd like to tell you, and others, what seems to be working for me. My mother is narcissistic and controlling... and I am her scapegoat, her only daughter, and her full-time live-in caregiver. I gave up a lot to do this, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I've spent the past couple of years in agony, trying to figure out how to get through to her, somehow, thinking that if she understood what she was doing, she would "see the light" and suddenly appreciate the support and assistance from me. Wrong. Not going to happen. Then the cycle of resentment, guilt, frustration, responding out of anger, and self-condemnation. It was making me crazy.

I finally just stopped. She's not going to change. She sees no need for change. I am the one who is wrong (just ask her!). My brothers are perfect (they rarely see her) and I am nothing to her.

She's 84, she has mild dementia and she just plain wants to be left alone. I have finally accepted that. Now, instead of trying to get her to take care of herself, to eat properly, to drink her fluids, to get outside once in awhile, or at least get out of the recliner from time to time, I just go about my business. I still meet her basic needs. I cook. I clean. I still check on her during the night. But I don't expect anything from her. No love. No compassion. No acknowledgment. No kindness. She's simply not willing to give that to me. In fact, she refuses to let me talk to her about anything other than the weather. Literally. Imagine living in a house that's not your own (as I am constantly reminded) and not being able to speak freely.

Instead of grieving over that, I do one simple thing. Once a day at some point, I ask my mother if I can hug her. She lets me... for a few seconds. Then it's over. But it is a connection. And if we can't connect intellectually, emotionally or any other way, we at least have that.

A lot goes into that brief daily hug, at least for me. It has to contain everything I wish we could have shared, everything I wish she would let me say to her, and I have to derive from it everything I had hoped she would be willing to give. It has to be "enough."

And so far, it has been. I can't do anything about her physical illness or her emotional and mental issues. But at least now, I've made peace with myself, knowing that I have done and will continue to do the best I can.

It is interesting that my year-old post has "come back to life" just now. JW, I feel for you. You are in a terribly painful situation, much the same as my eldest sister who is caring for and living with my mother. My mother is emotionally abusive to my sister, who has her own significant physical and mental issues. I am afraid that she (my sister) may actually be self-harming because of the stress of caring for and dealing with my mother.

So, to bring my story up to date: my mother is now in the end stage of her cancer. A long course of intensive chemo and radiation has completely failed, and we found out last week that her cancer has metastasized into many of her organs. Her intestines are disintegrating. About a week ago she was hospitalized with severe intestinal bleeding, and the doctors recommended that I return home asap if I wanted to see her again. They didn't think she'd be leaving the hospital, ever. I flew home immediately. The day I arrived she was released from the hospital and entered hospice care in her home. However, since she got home her health has stabilized somewhat (well, as stable as she can be) and she has become paranoid and very, very angry. She is combative and aggressive with just about everyone involved in her care. But when someone from the outside world comes to visit her, she's charming and as sweet as she can manage to be. It literally makes me sick to be around her. I feel I am only here to give my sisters some help. I have not been able to have any meaningful conversations with my mother since returning home and my expectations for that happening are close to nil. I feel so upset at the way she treats my sister (and myself) that it's very hard to find the emotional energy to have a heart-to-heart with her before she dies, although I know this is important for many reasons. I just don't feel I have it in me right now, and I may not before she dies, which could happen at any time.

So JW, I think you have hit on the only sane way to deal with this difficult situation: make peace with yourself knowing that you have done and will continue to do the best you can. I am going to try to remember your words in the coming days/weeks as my mother becomes, most likely, less and less rational and more let's face it, crazy and selfish. And I am going to help give my eldest sister a break from caring for my mom. Not by going in myself -- that would be a recipe for disaster -- but by encouraging my family to do an intervention with my mom to get her to agree to pay for a full-time home health aid to take over for my sister. I'm also going to help my sister out financially so she can go on a short break out of town, and get away from our mother for a few days.

Rose, thanks for sharing an update. I pray that you will be able to make peace with your mother as best you can before she passes away. For your own sake as well as hers. She's probably very frightened right now, (but would never dare show that) and suppressed fear can come out as anger. That doesn't in any way excuse the behavior, or diminish your pain, believe me, but it's a way to frame the situation. Sometimes I think that if my mother were completely in the grasp of dementia, it would be easier for me to cope, knowing that "she can't help herself." It's knowing that she's actually choosing to behave this way towards me that stings.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a counselor. She asked me what I thought my mother's core fear was. At first I said loss of control, but then I realized that was only the by-product. Her real core fear, I believe, is her deep, deep insecurity. The feeling that she's somehow "less than" everyone else. Looking back over her life, I can see how this played out. I know very little about her childhood, only that her mother died she she was an adolescent. (That in itself is an issue. Since she didn't have a mother beyond her pre-teen years, how could she possibly know how to be one?). She has always been tenaciously defensive and always had a need to be "right."

Her core fear bumps up against mine (rejection/abandonment) and it makes for a pretty impossible situation. Hence the hugs. Yesterday's was quick and limp. She didn't embrace me.. just stood there. After a second or two, she patted my hip to signal it was over and tottered off to bed.

All in all, I feel more at peace, knowing I have—in good faith—done everything I can do. I've been her caregiver for 12 years, the past two in her own home. I've navigated the maze of doctors, procedures, medications and healthcare issues, which I believe has prolonged her life and given her a better chance for quality of life (if she chooses to receive it). I've encouraged her to go to counseling to get some help in processing her repressed emotions, but her denial is too deep and she staunchly refuses. I've dealt with the personal grief of not only watching my mother decline, but experiencing her rejection and disdain for me when I try to help her. I've received very little assistance or understanding from family members (blessings to you for helping out your sister!) and have maintained my jobs in the middle of it all.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to choice. My mother chooses to live out her remaining days in denial and whatever inner fear and turmoil she has. It is her choice to reject the love and support of her only daughter. I have done, and will continue to do the best I can under very difficult circumstances.

I hope you'll be able to find a small gesture, or some words that will not only pierce through your mother's darkness (whatever that may be), but bring peace to your own soul as well. We can't go back and undo years of strife, especially when the other person isn't going to make the journey. So all we have is what we do today. And tomorrow... for as long as we have.