How do I handle being the trigger for FIL's inappropriate sexual behavior?
My husband and I care for his 94 y/o father in our home. Dad has Alzheimer’s and some mobility issues; he’s messy in the bathroom, can’t handle finances or taking his pills without help, and his hygiene has slipped quite badly, but he’s otherwise in okay health. The problem is Dad is fixated on sex, but ONLY with me. He waits until my husband is out of the house, preferably at work. Then it starts. He wants kisses. He wants hugs. He specifically requests sex acts. He has trapped me and grabbed parts of my body. Mostly it's just creepy staring, licking his lips, and lewd, suggestive talk about things he wants to do.
I know it's the disease. I know he can't help himself. It’s just—he’s convinced we’ve been intimate in the past (never, ever happened) and says he doesn’t think his son, my husband, would mind if I “made an old man happy.”
I've videotaped him doing these things, because even I have trouble believing it. He never does it in front of witnesses and generally appears to be a slightly befuddled, sweet old man. The only thing that makes him back off is when I say I'm going to tell my husband, and then Dad gets all stressed out and even physically ill... but he does stop for a few days.
In case anyone’s wondering, I tell my husband anyway. We’re in love and united, but we’re at wits end wondering how to deal with this. My husband has told him it has to stop, but of course it doesn’t. Telling Dad his behavior is inappropriate doesn’t work. Telling him I think of him as a father doesn’t work. If I use humor, he thinks I’m flirting with him. Distraction doesn’t work, because if I’m around he’s too fixated on me to be distracted. For some reason, Dad thinks he and I have a “Naughty Little Secret.” But there is no secret. He just forgets that my husband knows.
Right now, when my husband is away, I spend my day hiding upstairs (because Dad has trouble with stairs). The only time I come downstairs is to answer the doorbell, let the dog out for a break, and feed Dad his meals. I have to do this because staying out of sight removes the trigger for Dad’s behavior. Me.
Dad is seeing a neurologist and we're trying different medications. So far, either the meds knock him flat or, if he's not sleeping, he's a Romeo. I'm sick of playing Juliet, but I'm still hoping to salvage the situation. Except for the Inappropriate Sexual Behavior, Dad isn't a lot of trouble. I can deal with deep-cleaning the bathrooms every day. I’m just having trouble dealing with this.
We do have family members who take Dad off our hands part time, or we’d have imploded by now. No one can take him in full time, though.
Does anyone have ideas on how I might do a better job of just... I don't know... accepting what's happening? Am I being over sensitive? Should I seek counseling? Part of it may be that he’s lonely (I leave him alone all day), so should I hire someone to just sit with him during the day? I feel like I’ve tried everything, but if anyone has dealt with this type of thing at all and has advice to give, I'm all ears. I don't want to be the reason Dad has to go in a nursing home. He’s not like this with anyone else.
Have you tried sitting him down each morning and explaining that this behavior will not be tolerated? I realize it is the disease....but God Bless You......I could not put up with it the way you do. I was grossed out that he was grossing out all the neighbor ladies.....Yes, the aggressive phase of this in Alz. men passes according to everybody I have talked to. Keep us posted on how this plays out.
Practice the art of detachment.
For the rest, and perhaps with your husband's permission, try to deflect his attention by pretending what he's asking you already happened and reply "not again you're wearing me out and you wouldn't want me to get so tired I can't function, would you?" this would be the process of deflecting by eliciting mild confusion and very mild guilt tripping.
If he acts confused and trying to remember something that did not happen, that would be the ideal expected reaction and you can keep up the charade and pretend that all his needs have been taken care of a few hours prior.
ideally, this will redirect his mind to something else, the striving to remember something that never occurred instead of pestering you. It might keep him occupied for a while.
However, if he acts lucid and knows it never happened, then something else is going on with him; meaning it is not so innocent as you might have thought. But are you ready and prepared to deal with this possibility?
best of luck with you.
As an update, things have become more manageable. He sleeps most of the time any more, which helps. I am almost never alone with him, which helps. His speech has declined to the point he cant's always articulate what he's thinking, which helps. He still does creepy weird things, like rubbing his crotch while looking at me, but I don't get as weirded out by them, which also helps. His children, who have POA and all other say over him and his assets, have seen an elder care attorney and are looking into options. Home care comes three times a week to bathe and groom him (which I for obvious reasons shouldn't do) and provide physical therapy for his declining mobility. When I wrote the first post, he was using a cane. Now he can barely manage a walker.
Our goal has been, and remains, to give him the best, most loving care we can. He's declined so rapidly in ways that make living in our houses difficult, mobility and eating in particular, that we are looking at putting him into a place that can provide a higher level of care in those areas. I hang out on the board a lot, hoping to learn and maybe help others. I thank everyone who offers support. Dementia is a horrible way to lose someone you love.
I wish I could say this is a phase that has passed. It really hasn't. He's just become less able to pursue me, and I've implemented strategies --staying in rooms other than where he is and always making sure other people are around. When he's here and I'm sleeping, I have my husband in bed with me. What happened to you, waking up to that, if horrible. But no, my FIL is still insistent he and I should engage in hanky-panky. Your father sounds more aggressive.
If you haven't tried this already, one thing that helped somewhat is to take him to a neurologist. Explain the situation. If you don't want to do it in front of your Dad, do it in a letter or phone call ahead of time. The drug his neurologist prescribed, Seroquel, helps somewhat. You may have to heavily sedate him if he is so aggressive he presents a danger to caretakers, or other patients if you should find a placement for him.
I hope others can give you more and better advice. Hugs to you, and your mother. You're both putting up with a lot. It sounds like you need to get him out of the house and into professional care ASAP.