My mother is trying to stay living independently after recovering from falling and breaking her hip. She had some sort of psychotic episode that we think led to her falling. Now back at home, we are able to leave her some of the time with an "alert" pendant, and an automated and monitored medication dispenser. She, of course, hates that any sort of monitoring need to happen, but is somewhat willing to accept it as long as it means that she doesn't have to have a "Babysitter" (provided by her 4 adult children and her oldest grandson - who is my son). She started to develop syncope, which doctors in hospital think is due to a sensitivity to Atenolol, so her dose has been cut in half. So far, 48 hours of no dizziness being reported. My question - she's started to verbally attack my son - accusing him of treating her disrespectfully, not wanting him to stay with her, etc. She has exhibited obvious delerium, anxiety, and confusion very recently; so those type of remarks are usually easy to overlook. However, these last few "attacks" are said with a great deal of lucidity, and seem to be truthfull from my son's perspective. He is extraordinarily hurt, as you can imagine - he's 19 and is studying for an emt exam. He's been at her house the entire time she was hospitalized to care for the house, clean it, and care for her animals. He helped to stay with her when she first came home, so she didn't have to accept VNA "strangers". So this kind of new(ish) behavior directed to him is very hard for any of us to take, but especially him. My question - has anyone else had a similar situation happen, and how did you cope with it? I'm recommending that my son get some help from a support group, and perhaps talk to her social worker...
Part of the problem is that you're close to your parent and you love them...so it's hard to hear these harsh words from them. Just keep in mind the person saying them is not the same person who hugged you as a child. They have problems and little control over anything.
My mother is meaner than five mean folks put together. She is out of the nursing home now. Was in for skilled care.
At the nursing home, I have stopped and visited the most wonderful elderly 90's woman. Everybody just loved this woman and I was told that she has outlived her family members and only has one very distant relative. She is loved and well cared for. A total stranger and I just wanted to go sit and be with her. There are wonderful people who are elderly and their families are exremely lucky to have them. I am sorry to have sounded like I thought all elderly people are mean.
I feel ashamed, and never meant to sound that way.
On this forum we hear a lot about the mean parents. It is natural that caregivers who are having challenges with their parents are more apt to look for a site such as this one than those whose parents have maintained their independence or whose personalities and remained sweet and cooperative.
I know that you are absolutely right that many elderly become mean and resentful. I am truly sorry that your mother is one of them. But I don't think it is quite as widespread as it would appear from these forums.
My mother has always been mean and it has gotten so much worse these past few years and now it is intolerable. She insults people out in public and acts grandiose. I can't stand to be around her and have distanced myself totally.
No siblings and always have been the verbal punching bag.
No more and I don't care about her. She is living with her niece and giving her neice a hard time now. They were the best buddies until after about two weeks of living with her neice, and now my cousin is getting all the bullying from my mother.My cousin told me that my mother sure had her fooled. She thought my mother was "fun".....Not now.
Abuse is abuse. Doesn't matter whom, doesn't matter when, doesn't matter where. As a father of twin gentlemen (they're 33 now), I never allowed them to even think about tolerating this kind of treatment. Even my mother didn't dare override my duty to make a decision for them when they couldn't. It was my right as a parent.
Since he's 19, ask him the reason(s) why he does what he does.
And as KMartin says in a post above, this site is so very helpful. It's reassuring to know that we are not alone in this battle with our loved ones, and their issues. When you are there with your person, it feels very isolating, this site makes you feel supported and loved, and understood. Thank you all!
I've gone for a very long walk, or stormed out and in a couple of incidents packed my bags. Mom still seems to get the message she went too far. (all the bs I go through....)
Good luck.
The bottom line is this for me, and this is where my two cents comes in. If I were the only person left to care for her, I would. I would make sure she was safe, dry and cared for. I would see after that. But I would not put myself in the fray to be abused by her any more. If someone is lucid and just basically mean, don't put yourself in her line of fire. Hire somebody and have peace.
What I have done is repeatedly told my daughter how much she is appreciated and that she no longer have to assist if she does not want to. Now that everyone has moved into my home .....the unrest is ongoing. So, my husband and I have decided to clear our space. The process has begun to place mother in an assisted living home like the one she was in previously. This is now a matter of our sanity and well being as mother does not care (may be she is not aware) how we are affected. Everyone has suffered with her being here the past year and it is time to make a change. Sometimes we have ideas in our head as to how we think things should be but it is not always the best choice. I somehow thought we could care for her until the time came for a nursing home. There are no other options in this situation.
I pray for you and your family. At this point your son has to live his life and I would have a heart to heart with him. Let him know how much his support is valued and he now has to focus on his future and his goals. We do not need our young people to build resentment and become angry toward the situation. I wish you well and resolve with this situation. It may be time to find a reputable home care agency and hire someone.
Sometimes I think my self worth is never going to recover....my own plan for myself is to put myself in a home before I put my own children in this situation.