My mother is 90% perpetually unhappy. Has dementia, isn't mobile other than a wheel chair, but not strong enough to get around w/o assistance.
I work from home most days and at the end of the day for about the last 1.5 hours when I am finishing up my day she is in close proximity and earshot, but does not have any one-on-one attention which she has from 9am-4pm.
Within 5 minutes of being unoccupied, she is crying, feeling sorry for herself, and in a tizzie, starts :"urping" and shaking. I still have to do my job. I check on her, but can't be by her side.
How do you help a person like my mother?
She sees me as absent, but I have a very intense position as a chief of operations and can't mess up and be unfocused. I don't thinks she understands and when I try to explain, she doesn't remember. I find it very frustrating and the crying is very distressful to me because I am a solution finder and this I can't seem to fix.
Thank you in advance for any caring solutions/thoughts you may have as to how to deal with this on her side and mine.
Best regards to all-
LastOne
My Mom doesn't consider herself lucky to be in a nursing home (of course), but I consider myself, my husband and our children fortunate that she's in one. Fortunate for safety reasons and fortunate for selfish reasons, too. (For fifty years my Mom kept saying, "if anything ever happens to me, whatever you do, DON'T have me live with you." She spoke from experience: my Dad's grandmother lived with us.)
She has become INCREDIBLY high-maintenance, emotional and, frankly, dangerous because of exit-seeking, wandering and touching things. I'm tickled pink there's a safe place for her.
My FIRST priority is to my immediate family who is healthy and happy. I liken it to putting your own oxygen mask first before your child's, if you're on a plane about to crash.
I love my Mom like crazy, and have nothing but fantastic memories of a wonderful lady. Still, I guess my advice would be the polar opposite to some members: if you're financially -- and emotionally -- able to get her into a reputable nursing home, then do it.
How do you fully concentrate on work with having a loved one under the same roof that needs your attention? I can't concentrate when the cat is talking to me, and he is a chatter box wanting attention. There are times when I need to shoe him outside, can't do that with an elder.
If you became one of the 40%, would your hubby be able to continue caregiving your mother? Have you thought what would you do? Or what if something happened to your hubby? Bet your Mom would be placed in a continuing care facility. You never know, even with dementia, she might enjoy being around others of her own age group.
This is the conversation your family needs to have.
I will say that I think your expectation of your mom being patient, waiting for you to be free, being appreciative or understanding is not feasible. When the brain is damaged as it is with dementia, the patient has no ability to do those things. I would read a lot here and other places about dementia and how it affects not just the mind, but the body. There simply is no way they can behave the way we think they should. It's not intentional on their part.
It's not unreasonable to have your job as a priority. I would likely find some outside help to come in and help you or find a place that can care for your mom. There is so much involved with a wheelchair bound person with advanced dementia, that I don't know how it could be handled in the home with limited resources. Perhaps some people here will respond with their suggestions.
It does help me because it's easy to become overwhelmed and slip from that "how to handle" issues and tasks to the "it's just not possible!" mind frame. I have to frequently remind myself to think "how" and not "can't do it".
Thanks so much for sharing your very personal feelings and experiences on caregiving.
I have a feeling you need to set aside an hour or two for relaxation with your husband each day. I know you are both under stress, so it is important to have some time set aside for both of you. You're not just employees and caregivers. You need to have a life of your own.
Since your mother wants to be home, would it be possible for her to go into respite care occasionally so you and hubby can take a break and be together. It can be expensive, but having a week or two of respite might be welcome. This can be more stress-invoking for some people. If you think you might like it, you may want to check your local facilities to see if they offer respite care.
One thing I've learned in caring for my parents is we can't make them happy. We can keep them safe and cared for, and we can try to behave in a way that doesn't add to their unhappiness. But we can't make them happy if they are not happy with the way that life is. We shouldn't feel guilty, because usually it is not us. It is loss, old age, and disease that takes the happiness.
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