How can you handle an elderly parent that constantly wants you to do everything for them?

You are the unsung hero, to those of us who understand, and I understand your frustration. Wait till your sibs want "their fair share of the inheritance," as is usually the case. My, sounds like a million other families out there. The Caregiver rarely gets praise, compensation, and is piled with impossible demands and unrealistic expectations. You tell my story, too.

How does one handle it? Varying ways. Setting boundaries didn't work well with my mom, but many say that's what to do. My mom fought me every step of the way, no matter what I tried. There is no magic answer, especially when they are unreasonable. Depends on the parent. I wouldn't discount suggestions until you try them. If your's is "all about me," it makes things more difficult. But if something's not working for you, get help. It's better than resentment, anger, and bitterness. Who says we "must" cater to every whim? Find what works for you, and make than your guideline, but remain flexible to changing needs. If something's not working, get help. Peace and joy are worth protecting.

My friend has that problem - you will never change your mom. All you can do is decide what doesn't work for you and work on changing your reactions to what she says and does. It took my friend alot of years trying to get a compliment and much angst when any award or achievement was bypassed in favor of a story about someone else - or in her mom's case the hurtful & frustrating, "Thats nice dear,that reminds me of the time I......(mom's story here - including heroic / brilliant son or other person who appreciates how great she is.....)"

As a business woman it might be productive, and save your sanity to find & schedule a few working sessions with someone who can coach you through it - and be in the same room to listen to you and give feedback and hugs. One of the worst drawbacks of online only is that your feelings are reinforced, which is ok, but it is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. Sympathy is not what will help you finally shed your frustration.

Once you have a handle on what pushes your buttons, you can get help on how to set those boundaries and keep these little things from stealing your time and life. We only have one life, and I've learned that I appreciate my mom because we have mutual respect. My friend's mom is actually nicer to me than she is to her own daughter - so we joke & she lets go of the stuff she can't change. I am assuming you still want a relationship with your mom - you just want to change the quality and topics of your conversations.

Hope this helps - if you run your own business you know how the smallest client can be the biggest headache? Sometimes its like that with family. Cheer up I hope you find someone to teach you the talk-to-mom-skills that will positively impact the rest of your life. We are not born knowing them - and its rare to be able to pull yourself out of a dysfunctional family communication pattern without help.

Here's to a new year & new possiblities!

SecretSis: I have learned so much in this forum. And I know what you are saying about family "coming out of the bushes" when there is money to be had. Have seen this with friends and other family members. Money means absolutely nothing to me. I protect my Mom's assets so she will not be lacking for anything. That's it! So sad when people reduce their relationships to dollars and cents.
I have been working on the boundary issues. Sometimes it works and sometimes it is ignored. Believe it or not my Mother treats me far better than her mother treated her. Funny thing is that she remembers her far differently than I do.

Ann: Mutual respect is exactly what I am working toward. I do not need praise for the work I do. Nor do I want to be compensated in any way. However, I do not want my Mom to get in the habit of reducing me to her errand girl.

I think one of the main issues in caregiving is that there is no opportunity for "distance." I am sure if I could take lots of breaks away from it all, I would have better perspective. But since it is just me here, that is not possible. I want to get back to the mellow person I used to be....right now I am just working on not being cranky.

Looking forward to the holidays and wish all here peace and respite.
Lilli

Lilli, I admire your insight and sensitive spirit. Bless you!

Lots of good suggestions here! Lilliput, you might also find it helpful to hire a private duty caregiver to give you some of the distance you need. Many agencies offer services at an hourly rate -- for transportation, med reminders, light housekeeping, meal preparation, etc. Maybe if you hired out some of the errand-running, your own visits could be more about enjoying each other's company.

The good news is that you are not alone! This is a common theme of caregivers everywhere. That said, as a family transition coach, I often work with families on this very issue. Have you tried asking your Mom to tell you what she's most afraid of, and really listening the answer? Sometimes, a care recipient latches on to her caregiver out of fear, and that behavior becomes a habit. If you can get to the underlying fear, you might be able to come up with strategies to break the habit.

I have the same problem Lilliput. Since I'm a person who hates confrontation and tries not to make waves, I don't have any answers. I just stay frustrated and complain to my husband. If I left it up to my husband, he would confront my brother who lives here in our town, but never shows his face or calls, except once in a blue moon.

His wife doesn't like mother, so she never comes around. My mother makes excuses for my brother..."he works so hard and such long hours and he's tired when he gets home late in the evening."

I can say my brother did come stay with mother at night when my husband had to go to MD Anderson for his check-up. Other than that, that's it. You would think he would realize that my husband and I need a little relief sometimes. But, nooooo!

They take off on weekends and go their merry way to visit their kids, go to their camp house, go hunting, etc.

My husband and I would love to go visit our kids without all the hassle that goes with leaving mother with someone. She fights being left with someone else. It is just easier and less headache to stay here.

Anyway, I understand, but have no answers. If I had a backbone, I might not be in such a pickle. Take care and God bless.

I hear similar type of problems from my SIL who deals with the same type of mother whom we are sure has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or a narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits. Your mom sounds like she's split your brother and you into white and black with him right now in the white but you can't do enough for her and thus in the black. From what I have seen unless a mother has made a 'mommy's boy' out of her son, these type of selfish mom's will use F.O.G. , fear, obligation and guilt on the daughter to hoover her in because a normal son just might be more likely to buy into such a game.

1. Get a therapist to help you gain strength to stop playing the victim role by not feeling up to confronting.

2. Setting boundaries is never enough without real consequences.

3. I can clearly see why your brother's wife does not like your mother. I don't like my MIL for the same reasons.

4. Get a answering machine for your phone or get a separate line for your your business and don't give the number to your mother. She can call your home phone and leave the message on your answering machine.

5. I don't like confrontation either, but I'm getting better at it and others are happier and I have more energy by not always complaining about the person I needed to confront.

6. We actually weaken our relationships with people we don't have problems with by constantly complaining about the person that we need to confront ourselves and please don't push people into fighting your battles for you which I have experienced and bought into that role.

You mean your mother can still use the phone? She knows about her appointments and asks for help to get there. I am so used to talking with Alzheimer's caregivers. You still get to go to your job and you GET to work through the weekend? What luxury. Perhaps you need to step back and get some perspective. Imagine giving up your job (thinking it will be only a few months, but you are stuck as caregiver years later). Can't leave your mother alone, ever. You spend at least two hours a day IN the bathroom with your mother, and you go through more latex gloves than you thought possible. You spend a half hour a day having the same conversation about her teeth, dentures. Cause she lost them, and will "kill herself" if she can't get new teeth...real teeth.
And she says "I really love you" to everyone except YOU.

When I grouse about my plight, I sometimes imagine I'm trying to care for her on the "road to Kandahar" (good movie), and our taxi has been stolen, all our money stolen, it's boiling hot, desolate in all directions. No toilet paper. How nice I'm in a heated home with hot running water...and food. ;-)

This whole conversation reminds me of myself. I had to chuckle. Dear Lilliput: Dont wait around for praise, because it isnt coming. Your mothers mind is in the past, not the present. I too, am the pack mule. I cant help but remember one incident, I went to visit my son, and got my mother ready, showered, powdered, hair washed, curled and combed, and packed up depends, and change of clothing,,,, then got myself ready, packed up my laptop, cord, mouse, pad, then got my huge doberman ready, ( had to take him,he has separation anxiety), leash collar, food, then got Mom, and helped her to the car on my arm, came back got my briefcase, my purse, my doberman, food, moms overnite bage, and let my dog drag me to the car while Mother sat, and blew the horn because I was gone too long. Long story short, I was exhaused to get to my sons house, he saw us drive in, and he came out and waltzed Mom into the house like she was Queen Elizabeth, and I carried my purse, Moms purse, my computer briefcase, moms diaper bag, the huge dog, on a leash dragging me,,,,, and by the time I got into the house, Mom was complaining that she wanted her purse, to give all of my grandchildren money because they are so cute. I could hardly breathe, I was exhausted. So we visited, and it was time to leave, so I started packing up, and my son and Mother stood up and he waltzed her out to the car, and I came along like the damn pack mule, with the dog, the leash, her purse, mine, my laptop, and her diaper bag,,,,, breathing hard, trying to quickly unload some heavy stuff into the trunk. Mom immediatley jumped out of the car, and began bitching at me, that I had put her purse in the trunk accidently,,,, I stopped what I was doing, and said "Mom, get in the car, I'll" get it,,,, and I said it abrupt,,,, my son turned to me, and said,,,"Mom! dont yell at her, she only wanted her purse"...... so,,, from that day on, I realized, there is no family support, there is no praise from my mother on a job well done, that no one else wants to do,,,,,, just do it, and hide the hurt you feel, and eventually, it wont hurt so much. All of her praise and acknowledgement of wonderful, goes to everyone else but me. Try to steal a few minutes for your self each day, and know, that you are doing an impossible human job, and you are giving it your best. When we got home that day, I had to unload everything, then bring Mom into the house, and she still was hollering about my quick reply at my sons house, and I told her to "stop it",,, and she said,,,, "shut up you fat pig". So, now I know, there wont be any praise, only secret unmentioned recogintion from God, knowing I gave all I could, and my best, because of the life time of love I have in my heart for my Mother. There is no praise, only hits with the cane, slaps, insults, and great love and tears of love from her, to my children, none for me. She has forgotten me. So, I draw my strength through my prayers, and God hears me, when I weep alone in my bed at nite,,,and I know "HE" loves me still. I know it. I know Mom looks at me as the mean lady in the white blouse, trying to bathe her, and feed her, and give her meds, .......... I just had to laugh, when I realized,,,,,, "I've become a bloody pack mule" hahaha. Oh well, next time, I'll leave her home with a sitter, and just take the dog. He's nicer to me.

As per comment re hiring help -- great idea! I would inform the other "little kings" that they are going to split this cost among themselves. I do think that parents do not necessarily need "us" there w/them, just someone who is caring. They need to socialize w/people their own age.

I have a slightly diff. question. My mother is extremely depressed and is not eating enough. Yesterday I drove the 60 mi. to her house, delivered groceries that I'd painstakingly selected, and she went into a fit over how she didn't know what she was going to do w/"all this food." Then she informed me I looked terrible. Etc. Nothing pleases. My blood pressure felt sky high.

Friend says that when my mom is depressed she wants every1 else to be, too. I think that's probably it. One time my sister called her, happy, and mom said, "Well, let me burst your bubble."

Every upbeat comment I make she counters w/gloom. I have spent the last 3 mos. calling drs., arranging rides to drs., emailing drs. re medication, on and on. I am trying to start a new business and am getting nowhere, b/c after dealing w/my mom's situation I am too depressed to function myself.

I encountered a book awhile ago about dealing w/aging parents. It occurs to me I need prof'l suggestions. Any thoughts about the psychological mindsets -- even tricks -- one might need?

The only trick I have, is find a sitter, that she likes, and get out of the house. I cant stand the confinement anymore. Someone that will sit and talk and laugh with her, pamper her, and make it all about her, then she will be happy. I found a girl, and works with me, cleaning up Moms home, that no one took care of for the last 10 yrs, and she helps me clean, paint, etc, and Mom has met her, and likes her. So we have agreed, that for $10.00 per hour she will sit with Mom, and meet the needs for me to get away, before I have a stroke. I havnt had a day off in 1 year,,,,, 15 hours a day, listening to her argue, complain, insult, and whine. No matter what I do, it isnt enough. So, I am going to take some time,,,, for me,,,,, and get out!! And I'm taking my dog too. Even if it is only for 5 hours, 1 day a month. Its better than I had before.

To JoanneSS -

I don't want to get into shaky ground here, but your mother's comment strikes me as open-and-shut abusive. It's always interesting to me that people who supposedly "can't help" themselves (making mean comments) always seem to be nice to the people they adjudge important enough not to offend.

The previous comment re "real consequences" might seem approp. here. If your mom is well enough to "jump out of the car" then perhaps she is well enough to find another caregiver on her own. Perhaps you could provide her w/a list of local and state agency phone nos. Of course, I realize that many parents are financially unable to pay for meals to be brought in at market rate, etc., but there must be some alternative to what you are experiencing.

Or, perhaps your son could take over some caregiving responsibilities.

For instance, when my mother wanted my aunt to make a special trip over to pick up some medication which didn't necessarily need to be refilled the next day, I told her my aunt wasn't up to it. My mom reluctantly got on the phone and figured out how to get it mailed -- which was the way she used to do it before I started doing so much calling -- in alarm about her condition -- and her primary care dr. got involved in the medication.

JoanneSS -- Just read your last comment. I'm glad you have a sitter. I think that's the 1st step!

No, mom cant even remember 5 minutes ago, arguing. she says the other girl was arguing with her. Tonite for instance, she went and ate cookies and soda, but would not eat any dinner, stating, "you're not my boss" "I dont have to eat". Yes, she did quickly get out of the car by herself, but she was at risk, my son quickly went over to her, to support her balance. She is diabetic, and has neuropathy, and macular. So, everything at once is hitting her, and I know it is difficult,,,, but it seems, she knows enough, like you said, not to offend others, but take generous liberty to offend, and hurt me deliberately. But claims 10 min later, that she was arguing with someone else, not me. (I'm the only one that takes care of her). So, she is certainly not all there, but sometimes I wonder, how she makes the difference, to be rude and hurtful to me,,,, and kind and mushy to others. She cant read anything, (macular), and she cant really walk alone, if she does, she is at great risk. that is how this all began... she tripped at her own home 1 yr ago, and fell into her front door, her shoulder dislocated, and broke off, and they had to replace the socket and ball, and she banged her head terribly hard. When she came out of surgery, she slowly didnt know us on sight. She cant remember, she thinks my dogs belong to her, she thinks this is a commercial home, not my private home,,,, and she is always saying she is going to report me to the proper authorities because it is bath time, or med time, or even bed time. So, she really is not balanced mentally anymore. I just need to make a way, to have a little time for me, before I crack. Oh, also, I take care of a Bi-Polar ex-husband, who is also very abusive. (Verbally, and on occasion, physically). It bombards me somtimes, and sometimes, I cant take anymore. However, I am now trying to make arrangements to be able to get out once a month for a couple of hours. About the medication, she wouldnt even take hers, if it was up to her. She doesnt even know when to change her depends. But, she can sure snoop, or hop out of the car to see if she is missing something. She even comments if my son kisses me hello, before her. ( she says, so what did you have to do to get that kiss?") My son had to lie to her the past couple of years and not tell her, if we went to lunch, or met at the grocery store. I think she was very posessive of him, and my other sons too. I think she hates me,,,, maybe she always did, as I think back. She was always kind of tough on me. And now that I have a weight problem, and she has lost alot of weight, ( not sure why), she really grinds on me and tells me I am a "fat pig", " or fat slob, and it really hurts me. Oh well, I could write a book,,, haha but who would listen? I'm okay, just a little surprised,,,, I didnt have a clue it would be like this. I thought we'd cuddle, giggle, have coffee together, shop, and enjoy our lives living together. She is very different now, to what she was. She says vulgar things to me, and she was a good example of a Christian woman for a lifetime,,,, (60 yrs), I dont know who this monster is. I cant tell, if it is real,,,,, or if she is playing me, or if she really is mentally challenged now. I would hate to guess wrong. Her Dr. says Alz. We have none in our family history. I dont know. I'm seeking help with my local alz association after Christmas. This is bigger than I ever thought. I wonder why America is not working harder seeking a cure,,,,,, all the boomers are approaching the age,,,,,,,, what a mess that is going to be. You might be right Challenge, maybe this is HER ticket to be what she wants to be, to me. Wonder why?

Everything you are describing is your interpretation of events, reading them the picture is of an elderly woman who has many ailments and may or may not be lucid depending on the time of day and which way the wind blows....to allow remarks from your mom in that state to hurt you so deeply is not good for your health in the long run.

Try reading Elder-rage, or asking Carol Bradley for some books that might give you insight and perspective on what you are going through. You need someone to talk to face to face as well. Take care, it is not easy. I know what I am talking about because I am that ear for my friend who is in a similar situation - and I have said the same things to her.

Be well, take care.

Thanks for the suggestion, I 'll look for the book. Maybe it can enlighten me, and give me some coping skill that I dont have.

My mother has been in the nursing home three months now, after having taken care of her full-time for five years. I have been on disability since 2001, first I spent three years helping my sister with her three high school age children, then I spent five years taking care of my mother in her apartment full-time. The first two months in the nursing home, was constantly trying to get me to take her back again, and find some way to get out of the nursing home. Then my sister got guardianship and now she knows I don't have any power to change the situation, but she is constantly complaining about the conditions at the nursing home, asking me to do things to get around the rules, etc. My sister doesn't like visiting her because the first thing she does is run down her list of complaints, and doesn't have any patience with her. I have gotten so that I just try not to let her push my buttons and try to distract her with things that I bring for her to read and play the piano for her. What I am wondering is what do I do about Christmas day when mom expects to be able to come over to visit us, it is my sister's house and what if she says no, or what if they get into an argument? I just have to roll with the punches. Maybe just play Christmas music on the piano to distract everybody when things get heated up.

Lilliput, that's what caller ID is for. Why do you have to pick up every phone call she throws your way? Can you find someone that she could call if there was a REAL emergency? Otherwise, put a special ringtone for her number as a warning, then ignore it. Call her when you get off work and chat. We've all done the caller ID screening at home when it's a telemarketer, I say screen her calls and call it 'good'. Set up certain days that you will run errands, and stick to it. Even though her 'boys' don't help out, she can still call them and talk. In fact, why can't you lay a little guilt on them (if guilt works on the 'golden boys') tell them that since they don't do any of the hands on stuff, they NEED to call her on a regular basis and let her blather on and on. That seems fair to me, doesn't it?

Yes, I do have caller ID, and I know when she is calling, but how can I tell if it is a real emergency. Right now I have pretty much calmed down on this issue of the telephoning, what bothers me most is that it is always me that has to deal with these things, my sister gets her buttons pushed too much when mom won't let up on the requests, then hangs up the phone or leaves the room when she comes to visit. She is the one who has guardianship but doesn't want to deal with the paperwork and Medicaid, I am the one going to the Medicaid office and the bank. She is a doctor and works 60 hour weeks, so I guess having to deal with mom is one to many things for her to think about. I don't work and have the whole day free, I guess it is an even exchange though because I don't pay rent living in her house. It is hard dealing with her kids though, they don't help out in the house, my nephew cooks and never cleans up after himself, they don't answer the phone when I am expecting important calls, etc. I wish we could have an arrnagement like mom and dad had when we were growing up, if you make a mess, clean it up promptly and each person take care of their own laundry.

I appreciate all the comments...and especially the concrete suggestions about boundaries and unreasonable requests.
I think that the main problem is that when my Mom moved here I treated her as a "guest" and did everything for her; and then she got used to it.
My Mom is really good at doing "end runs" around me. In other words, "if you won't do it, I will find some one who will." Then she proceeds to make a bigger mess that I ultimately have to clean up.
I have discovered that seniors do things out of fear. Their world is getting smaller, people that they cherished are now gone, they lose mobility and independence, and have to depend on us. They often do not show gratitude for those of us who "step up to the plate" - in fact it is just the opposite. And other family members "scatter." (still working out anger issues on this point.)
I am a very practical person who looks for solutions...but I forget that there is often no rationality behind some behaviors. People compare helping the elderly with raising a child. I am not sure if this is true. With a child you are helping raise them toward independence and a time when they will be on their own. With an elderly person you know that things will just continue to deteriorate. And that scares me because I do not know what the next step is. I always feel like I am skating on thin ice. I want to get back to some normalcy and being calm again...even if it is for a short period of time.
Those of us here who are dealing with far more dire situations than mine, you have my heartfelt support. I look at it this way: there is always someone has it a little better than you do and someone a little worse. I just keep plugging away, trying new stategies, coming here for good ideas and moral support, and remembering that I chose to do this for a Mom who was really good to me as a child. I am not a caregiver out of guilt, but sometimes it is still challenging to keep all balls in the air!
Lilli

I don't know where people are spiritually speaking, but as for me, I decided years ago when I reached out to my inlaws when they started going downhill physically and mentally, that I was doing this for Jesus. I didn't care if they NEVER told me 'thank you' because I wasn't doing it for them, I was taking my cue from Matthew 45. Verses 42-45 says:
"For I was an hungered, and you gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and you took me not in: naked, and you clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and you visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we you an hungered, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister to you? Then shall he answer them, saying, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me."

For me, that last verse says it all. When I do something that is not appreciated or completely dismissed, it doesn't matter. Cause I never did it for an ungrateful human in the first place. Now I do have to remind myself that on a regular basis, but once I reaffirm my ultimate goal, then nothing else matters. It's what the God of creation thinks of me, not some flawed human being.

naheaton,

Thank you for putting things into perspective, and for reminding us of what really matters. I love the saying:

"Only one life
'Twill soon be past,
Only what's done
For Christ will last.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and we love because he first loved us. We give because he is our example. To me to live is Christ... Philippeans 1:21 To God be the glory in all we do!

Hi Lilli
My thoughts are about cleaning up the mess and whether you have to. Sometimes living with the consequences provides people with an important lesson. I know that is not easy and not always possible. Creating messes for you to clean up sounds very manipulative.. I am very familiar with the "errand girl" phenomenon. My mother thinks I am her servant - or wants me to be anyway. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. Have you looked into whether you mum has something like that. For me it helps to understand the behaviours and find strategies to cope. I am caretaking at a distance which makes an enormous difference. Mother is in a different city by her choice. I would not take my mother into my home - it would ruin my life and she would be no happier than she is now. Mother has someone in her city she pays to shop and do other things for her. This lady is a nurse and does this as a business. Mother still wants me to do many small things for her which actually she can still do for herself. Sometimes I say yes, I will do it when I have time and it goes on my priority list and sometimes she ends up doing it herself, and sometimes I say that I cannot do it for reasons of time, energy, money etc. I still have much work to do sorting out stuff which I brought here from her apartment after moving her into a senior's residence. I moved her into a second residence within the year as she coujld not get along where she was and then told her I will not do it again as she is getting as good care as is available and the next move would be to a nursing home if she cannot cope where she is. This is reality. I used to not tell her about how I was feeling, but do now. If I am overwhelmed by her demands I say so, if I am not feeling well enough to do something, I say so, etc. I am finding that old dogs can learn new tricks and she is more aware of how her behaviour affects me and more considerate. I am still suffering the effcts of the moves last year (arthritis in my shoulder/arm/hand). Mother is 98 and I am 73 so I am caregiving at an age where some are being looked after. It is one disadvantage of being in a long lived family. In order to look after myself I have to draw very firm boundaries, and work to do that in a kind and honest a way as possible. She complains that I don't visit her enough, do enough for her etc and I do not feel guilty about my choices. I have a life here with my kids and grandkids nearby and a significant other. One of mother's recent suggestions was that I sell my house and move to her city into my own unit in her seniors's residence and look after her. .Of course this would mean no life for me, I would not see my grandchldren or my significant other much - and - she still would not be happy, nevermind that it is ridiculously expensive. As well as doing things for others, God said love others as you love yourself - not more than. My sister also lives at a distance and visits mother for a free holiday. She downright refuses to help even when visiting. I have story after story of that to the degree that it appalls me -yet she feels free to criticize me for not doing enough. So be it - I can't change her but I don't have to put up with the criticism without an honest response.
Please look after yourself. I have friends who are experiencing health issues from not caring for themselves when presented with the challenges of caring for parents. I have never been as ill as this past year (the arthritis is only one issue)and I think it is due to the stress from overdoing things with regard to my mother. It is no good living at the end of one's tether. I have learned that means something has to change and we can only change ourselves.

Blessings
Joan

Since caregiving my mother some 20 years, what relationships I had with my other siblings have become sttrained to none whatsoever. It is not so much they way they treat me, which is not good in my opinion, but how they can sleep at night knowing how much an occasional planned visit or lunch date would mean to Mom. Not only would it give me a break, but I would not consider being so heartless toward a sibling who has somehow been selected to be caregiver for Mom! My younger sister has stated that it is bizarre that I would end up as caregiver when I was always the free spirit of the family. I agree, but it does not mean that is what I wanted to do for my remaining years! Once you take on the duties and responsibilities, good luck ever getting a replacement, even a temporary one! I would liked to think that it is because they see what a burden it is on me, how I have grown older than they before my time; but, come to find out, it is simply because they don't want to be bothered and don't want their neat little apple cart upset in any way. I can imagine that would be "nice," but how realistic is it to want life to stay the same for extended periods. I find as soon as I start getting very comfortable, something happens to overturn my life as I had known it! I have never asked for anything for my caregiving, because I had a good little nest egg that I figured would last me a lifetime--until this economy hit and showed me that every decision I made was probably the wrong one, and it was usually decided with Mom's dignity as first priority. Of course, this is not how my siblings look at it, and are critical when I ask Mom for money for things such as my auto registration, repair, medical issues or the like. Of course Mom can't call and tell them quickly enough that she had to lend/give me money, quite opposite of how she wants us all to get along! For those who are new to caregiving, take it from me--don't base your decisions on what is best for your loved one, do what is best for you and your family. I wish I had done that, because I would now be very comforttable instead of looking forward to being homeless when Mom dies (she decided a reverse mortgage would be fun and give her more money to spend on items from magazines, clothing that she has no room for (even with a very large walk-in closet), gifts to charity, Wjem sje moved in with me, and wanted me to sell my home and buy a larger one together, I had to find out after opening escrow that she had given all of her money and taken out home loans for her male "caregiver" to buy him cars every time he would wreck one, had filed bankruptcy and I had to qualify on my own for "our" home. It has gone downhill from there, so be careful how much dignity and respect you allow yourself to give, and consider how things would be if the finances were reversed--as they are now, 20+ years later . . .

dizzyride -so sorry you are facing such losses. Quote: "take it from me--don't base your decisions on what is best for your loved one, do what is best for you and your family". I totally agree with you. In my view, everyone's interests have to be considered. I am finding that my mother's demands gradually are becoming more and more unrealistic and would take up a majority of my energy and time if I allowed it, while, in fact, she is well cared for. Some one has to bring some common sense into the picture. We all have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Wow...thank you for resurrecting one of my old posts. I cannot believe that it was posted over a year ago!! It gave me a chance to reflect on my three years of caregiving. I see how angry and frustrated I was...I think it was the shock of suddenly realizing that I was in this alone. The second disappointment was thinking that I could have a better relationship with my Mom and having the exact opposite happen.
But how things have changed, thanks in large part to the folks here. I have gained massive amounts of PERSPECTIVE. I have learned how to defend my health and sanity. I have the ability to set boundaries and use the word "no" without feeling guilty. I am no longer shocked by the indifference of the medical community and government when it comes to treating the elderly. And I learned what NPD is.
Emjo and dizzy I was nodding along with you as I read your posts. Emjo, my hub always reminds me about the, "love others AS you love yourself." It is not God's will for anyone to be abused, mentally battered, or left destitute. But these things do not happen to caregivers overnight...it happens incrementally over time. I'll bet you that I could now pick out the future caregiver from any family. They are the kids that never take anything for themselves, are giving and loving, and step aside for the more aggressive and self-centered sibs. (It will never cease to amaze me that parents continue to reward the kid that does the least.)
I do not know if what we write, the experiences we share, or the trauma we go through will ever go beyond these cyber-walls, but I think one solution to breaking this cycle is for people in our age group to not do this to our children. To have open dialogue with adult children and either include all of them in your care, or plan on doing it yourself so that no one person is singled out. To teach son's that they need to pitch in, directly, with the care of their parents. I hope that is the lesson that we all take away from this experience.
Thank you for sharing your journey.

Awesome post Lilliput - yes, yes, yes. My daughter has already learned these lessons and will not allow her life to be taken over by anyone. In fact, she helps me enforce boundaries with my mum. I find it is very hard to face that the relationship with my mother does not improve, but to face that is essential for my well being. You are so right that the future caregiver is the who loves and gives and we should see that they are not taken advantage of. I am with your husband 100% -love others AS you love yourself - and also know that you are right about the down hill path being increment. I am having to revise my boundaries as my mother changes with age. I had a plan and boundaries in place that worked for several years but do not work now and I am having to step back and revise them with mothers increasing age and demands/needs. It appears that she sits and thinks up things for me to do now. I suppose it is a control thing - BPD and age. Like parenting - they didn't teach us about this in school!!!

Have a friend from our church having the same problem and she told me this evening it's really getting to her. She does everything her mom asks and it's not good enough, and she's about to lose it. Her eyes welled with tears this evening and I prayed for her.

I wonder if some church members have a distorted understanding of denying oneself, etc.or honor your mother and father that they feel religiously obligated to do everything a parents asks them to? Self-destruction is not denying oneself. It is suicide by degree. Honoring one's parent by being their slave as an adult child is not biblical either, but more like reverting emotionally to being their little girl or little boy. I hope you will do more than just pray for her, but will help her to see that she does not need to live under such bondage. I'm not a therapist, but she needs to see one to help her with boundary issues, self-esteem, etc.