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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I am in denial that someone I loved so much and who was with me my entire life has left this world forever. I am having a hard time understanding this and why it happened. I still feel her presence and can easily visualize her and hear her voice.
I know it's a cliché but denial is a part of the grieving process. After each of my parents died I felt this weird thing where their loss would hit me but then it would bounce right off. It wouldn't hit my heart or my head. I know that sounds crazy but a grief counselor with hospice told me that was a form of denial and when I was ready to feel it, I would. And he was right. Those thoughts stopped bouncing off me and worked their way into my heart and it hurt so much. The denial was much easier to deal with.
Your mom passed so recently, give it some more time to sink in. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, is the way it's supposed to be. We can't rush through our grief as much as we'd like to. My dad's been gone for 4 years and I still get a pain in my heart when I think of him.
GivingItMyAll, both of my parents had passed in the last year, and were in their 90's also. They had lived alone until serious medical issues required them to both move to a skilled senior complex.
What I am doing to be more connected is that I am going gun-ho on a family tree. I am using Ancesty . com and it has been fascinating. I am learning about my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and great great great grandparents that I had never known.
Happiness is finding a photo of those from the 1800's to see an resemblance. I have a mild "lazy eye" and was so happy to finally see a relative who had the same thing... it was my great-great grandfather as a very young man :)
It is also very interesting seeing the occupations of the relatives [of which there are many as so many from the past had a gaggle of children, not usual to see 12 children or more per family, and of those 12 who survived each also had a gaggle of kids. I am running out room on my wall in my home office to place everyone :P
Also interesting seeing on the very old U.S. census, where an elder parent would be living with the grown children. Most cases the elder was only in their 60's or 70's. Definite a sandwich situation.
Bless you and good luck in dealing with the sorrow. I know soon I too will be grieving. I often wonder what it will feel like to have no parents (both my parents are alive living in a NHome and 92) I've lived geographically away from them for almost 25 years now but still expect their greetings when I enter their former home (where I stay currently when visiting) just walking up to the door and opening it I still am shocked at the silence when I open the door. All the memories come back even though this was not my childhood home. The great thing is ! you loved and were loved! You have human emotions- which is fabulous! It's the only way to experience love-unfortunately on the other side of love is grief and sadness. Let yourself cry and grieve as much is you want and eventually time will heal it to some extent. I also am thinking - know that just because you're not outwardly debilitated by the grief - doesn't mean you don't care. I have had issues getting caught in self imposed depression by thinking 'if I'm not depressed about this doesn't mean I don't care'? I've had to reconcile that multiple times over my life . Celebrate your bond- a mothers bond is often very strong indeed.
It will get better - but don't sit around waiting for it. Sitting and thinking constantly about your mom will only make it harder to overcome the grief. See if you can find things to keep yourself occupied. Maybe you can take a trip, start volunteering or if you like children, you could look at maybe volunteering at a local elementary school or daycare.
In time, you'll find that you're not so obsessed with thinking about Mom being gone. Thoughts of her will not always bring tears. In time, you'll start thinking more of Mom with love and good memories, rather than sadness and grief.
My mom has been gone 8 months as of today. I was her live-in caregiver for 3 years before she had to go to a nursing home, and she passed away after a year in there. It took the full 8 months before I really started coming out of the "fog" that follows the passing of a parent. I worked, ate, slept, spent time with family - all while feeling like none of it was real. It took this long for me to really start feeling like I was alive again and dealing with things that needed to be done, other than just the basic day-to-day stuff.
Give yourself time. It's still early to expect yourself to be anything but grieving for your mom. But trust me, it *will* get better.
Freqflyer, I thank you for your suggestion. Funny thing is, I once was very interested in our family trees and was a member of Ancestry for many years. I should get back into that. It was very interesting and time consuming. I have time now that I'm no longer caregiving. I've got to do something besides TV, my mind is turning to mush! Hospice is reaching out to us on a regular basis, I really should take them up on their offers of counseling.
I called her Mom, but she was really my MIL. She and I had a very close relationship and I was blessed to have her and FIL in my life. 50+ years wasn't long enough IMO. At least I can think of her without crying now.
To everyone who is on this board who has lost or is losing a loved one, I just want to say bless you and take care of your ownself too. This board has been a big help to me over the years.
My mother died right before the end of the last millennium (in the summer of 1999, to be exact), but often I still weep for her. I suppose I should "get over it," but why? She was one of the most beautiful people I know, and she gave me a great deal of direction in my life, and whenever I have a problem, I can hear her voice telling me how to resolve it. There is a part in Disney's LION KING where the monkey tells Simba, "He lives in you," and that is my comfort for the pain, as is the old African saying about how someone never dies as long as they are remembered. You don't need to feel ashamed. Your mother carried you for nine months, and while you SHOULD move past the pain of her death, and carry on with your life--and she surely would have wanted you to--there is no reason why you shouldn't weep for her if you feel grief at losing her, and you should NEVER forget her. May God forgive me if I'm wrong. All I can do for her now is to pray for Him to forgive her any sins she committed.
I feel your pain very well and I'm SO sorry about the loss of your mother. My 90 year old mom passed away on April 9 and I am having all kinds of foreign feelings. Suddenly I have that butterflies in the stomach feeling as I did on the first day of Kindergarten when my mom left me alone for the first time. People kindly ask me if I'm doing all right and I give the obligatory, yes, I'm fine. But I'm fine for the moment, and then I'm not, and then I am. It's a very bizarre and unpredictable roller coaster. I go from being irritable to sad to angry to okay (which totally throws me) to extremely sad and back around again. I guess it IS part of the grieving process and the most important thing is to remember that you are not alone. Many of us are going through this together. If we've already lost a parent - I lost my dad 11 years ago - we think we know what to expect. But it's totally different. Back then, I still had my mom to focus on and care about. Now, I am an adult orphan - a term I knew nothing about until this past month. I try to be thankful for my loved ones left - cousins, husband, friends - but there's no getting around how difficult this is. We will eventually learn to incorporate the reality of it into our lives in some form. That's what my brain tells me. I just have to have faith that my heart will follow. Blessings to you.
It's wonderful you have these feelings of sorrow. Many of us have a totally different reaction to a loss of a Mother, relief. In her final years, her dementia and her self-loathing turned against me, her only son, and she threw me totally out of her life, written me out as Executor of the Family Trust. Now the county is going after her assets, and I have never felt more free. So, be happy and be joyful that you have such a reaction to your loss, many of us do not.
Hi...I wanted to add to something I posted to you. You asked for suggestions on how to deal with your loss...
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...
SeaDoc, I know where you are coming from. My parents have been miserable for years and are likely to continue on for many more years. They are not the people who raised me. They are strange zombie-people I have somehow become responsible for. Sadly, I think relief will be my first and most prevalent feeling when one or both are gone. I never in my life envisioned this is what they/we would have become.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your mom passed so recently, give it some more time to sink in. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, is the way it's supposed to be. We can't rush through our grief as much as we'd like to. My dad's been gone for 4 years and I still get a pain in my heart when I think of him.
What I am doing to be more connected is that I am going gun-ho on a family tree. I am using Ancesty . com and it has been fascinating. I am learning about my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and great great great grandparents that I had never known.
Happiness is finding a photo of those from the 1800's to see an resemblance. I have a mild "lazy eye" and was so happy to finally see a relative who had the same thing... it was my great-great grandfather as a very young man :)
It is also very interesting seeing the occupations of the relatives [of which there are many as so many from the past had a gaggle of children, not usual to see 12 children or more per family, and of those 12 who survived each also had a gaggle of kids. I am running out room on my wall in my home office to place everyone :P
Also interesting seeing on the very old U.S. census, where an elder parent would be living with the grown children. Most cases the elder was only in their 60's or 70's. Definite a sandwich situation.
The great thing is ! you loved and were loved! You have human emotions- which is fabulous! It's the only way to experience love-unfortunately on the other side of love is grief and sadness. Let yourself cry and grieve as much is you want and eventually time will heal it to some extent. I also am thinking - know that just because you're not outwardly debilitated by the grief - doesn't mean you don't care. I have had issues getting caught in self imposed depression by thinking 'if I'm not depressed about this doesn't mean I don't care'? I've had to reconcile that multiple times over my life . Celebrate your bond- a mothers bond is often very strong indeed.
In time, you'll find that you're not so obsessed with thinking about Mom being gone. Thoughts of her will not always bring tears. In time, you'll start thinking more of Mom with love and good memories, rather than sadness and grief.
My mom has been gone 8 months as of today. I was her live-in caregiver for 3 years before she had to go to a nursing home, and she passed away after a year in there. It took the full 8 months before I really started coming out of the "fog" that follows the passing of a parent. I worked, ate, slept, spent time with family - all while feeling like none of it was real. It took this long for me to really start feeling like I was alive again and dealing with things that needed to be done, other than just the basic day-to-day stuff.
Give yourself time. It's still early to expect yourself to be anything but grieving for your mom. But trust me, it *will* get better.
I called her Mom, but she was really my MIL. She and I had a very close relationship and I was blessed to have her and FIL in my life. 50+ years wasn't long enough IMO. At least I can think of her without crying now.
To everyone who is on this board who has lost or is losing a loved one, I just want to say bless you and take care of your ownself too. This board has been a big help to me over the years.
There is a part in Disney's LION KING where the monkey tells Simba, "He lives in you," and that is my comfort for the pain, as is the old African saying about how someone never dies as long as they are remembered. You don't need to feel ashamed. Your mother carried you for nine months, and while you SHOULD move past the pain of her death, and carry on with your life--and she surely would have wanted you to--there is no reason why you shouldn't weep for her if you feel grief at losing her, and you should NEVER forget her.
May God forgive me if I'm wrong. All I can do for her now is to pray for Him to forgive her any sins she committed.
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...
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