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I am in denial that someone I loved so much and who was with me my entire life has left this world forever. I am having a hard time understanding this and why it happened. I still feel her presence and can easily visualize her and hear her voice.
I share your feelings. My Mom passed away at home. She was on hospice and I was with her prior and at the moment of her passing. That was 8 long months ago and it won't sink into my head that she has died. She just disappeared one day. It almost seems like I just knew her in a previous life. No matter how I try, it won't sink in, therefore I am unable to mourn her death. I thought there was something wrong with me too. I miss her dearly but reality of her death just won't click in my head. So I understand fully what you are going through.
I just lost my mother on March 6th of this year and she was just shy 3 weeks of her 94 birthday. My mother lived with me and had dementia. I am starting to adjust to it. I wish she was still with me, but I know if she kept living she would just suffer more. So I guess, that helps me cope with her being gone. All I can say it gets better, just one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve. I know my mom is with me and she loved me.
You should seek out a counselor/psychiatrist who can help you get through this difficult time. I did when I lost my mother. That's the typical approach.
I lost my mom the when I was 17, the spring of my sr year in college. She had been fighting cancer for 6 years, up and down, and I couldn't ask her to stay when she was so miserable. I found that other people helped--I spent most that summer at my brother's house, with a niece and nephew I grew up with. My first year in college my roommate had lost her mom at about the same time, and it helped to be with someone who'd been there. Looking back, it probably took two years to resurface. Then Dad passed away fairly quickly five years later, right after I got engaged; I realized years later that he had missed Mom terribly and only kept going worrying about me; I was the last one at home, my brothers were all grown and had their own families--and they were great. When he knew that I was marrying a good man he trusted, he let go--told my BIL that he'd never met a man that he thought would take better care of me. Then I discovered that one of my dad's best friends lived in the town I moved to with my husband, and that helped a lot. My husband has been gone now for more than ten years; it may sound weird, but I make a point to go to funerals for family and friends and say that one thing I can do is hug widows. I didn't go to any formal "grief counseling" but be as available as possible to people who need someone; don't necessarily even talk, just be there. I'm still working; it is sometimes hard to do things my husband used to do, or to apologize for not being able to do what he did. But one of my customers surprised me by saying "I don't know if you remember me, but I remember that you came to my uncle Bernie's funeral."--which had been perhaps 10 years ago. But this is life--sometimes I think that we grow old so that we'll be ready to trade in our failing body. None of my kids knew my parents, but my brothers and other family members stepped in; my older grandkids knew their grandfather but now I have two more that he never knew. Being the youngest in my own family, I've always been kind of generational link; one of my nephews told me recently that he was glad I was a lot younger than his parents because I'm still here and a link with his parents. Sorry to go on like this; haven't done it for awhile. The classic advice is to not make major decisions for a year after a major loss; time and good people are the best medicine.
Lots of good advice here. You are doing just the right thing, which is reaching out to others for support.
My father died when I was in medical school, after a few months of serious illness. He was a difficult person, I was not so close to him, and I'd been living far from him for several years at that point. Still, I found his death terribly difficult and disorienting for quite some time. There is something really awful about the finality of death. The person will always live on in your heart and memory, but once he or she has died, you will never be able to see them or talk with them the way you once could. You are left with a hole in your universe that can never be quite filled or repaired. But as others have said, you eventually learn to live with it, though it can take a while.
I think one of the most important things is to realize that you aren't alone in this and that there are places, such as this forum, where you can bring up your feelings and get some support. Take care.
You never truly get over it. My mom passed 4 yrs ago on 4/25. Took about a year to accept it. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I've cried many times during these past four years. Now between 3-4 years I am more accepting of her being really gone. I have more "chuckle" moments when I talk to her in my head or yes sometimes out loud. "Chuckle" moments because my mom and I could make each other laugh about simple things every day. I don't think about the last 18 months before she passed because that was such a stressful time for her, with one illness/episode after another. There were some rough times in those months and I am sure when she passed she was ok with going as her dementia got worse and she was having more regularly episodes of forgetting who my brother and I were. She was for awhile at the end a changed woman she wouldn't know. She was independent right up until about 2 years after she fell and broke her hip. She hated losing her independence. You'll never get over losing your mom- its right up there with the most awful things we cope with during life. You'll work through it and it's ok to think you won't right now as it's too fresh. You too will remember your "chuckle" moments and find yourself giggling too, but it's normal for the first year to just really miss your mother badly. Like an ache that won't subside. It doesn't- takes a lot of time. It's a hard time now, remember the good times as they get you through the bad. Sorry for your loss.
There are five stages of greif. Denial is one of them. Anger is another. For me, my mom was suffering so much. I loved her very much. I was glad she was suffering anymore. I was not there when she passed. I arrived a few moments later. As sick as my mom was, her light, her energy was there. When I walked into the hospital room my mom was not there. Not her light. Not her energy anywhere. Just her unfunctioning physical remains. That was a hard moment. I knew that she was gone from this dimension. I carry my mom with me. I have some of her ways. I remember her lessons. I remember her history and mine together. I celebrate her life. I thank her for mine. I have heard her voice as if she was standing right next to me in times of great despair. Before anyone starts thinking anything strange, it is a mathematical and scientific fact that every sound ever made since the Big Bang is still out there. We just lack the ability to hear the frequency. Interstellar is an amazing movie which gives an extraordinary representation of what I am trying to share. Love transverses all dimensions. We live in love. I had an amazing mom and she is always with me. I am now the oldest female in my family and have truly known the women in my family who were once the oldest. I carry and share their stories with the younger ones they never knew. I endeavor to do them proud. I share their lives and love with the ones who will survive me. I still give my mom a Mother's Day corsage every year as I did while we shared the same dimension. A mother is never ever gone. She lives where she always did. In our heart. God Bless and keep you. R.
I wish I could say that it gets easier but to be honest I am in denial and am not afraid to admit it. I can go days and weeks thinking I am doing okay and then out of the blue I feel and smell the hospital where Mom died and it's like someone picked me up and planted me there in the waiting room or sitting by my Mom's bed. I can hear the sounds of the hospital and smell the smells. Flashbacks, I guess you would call it. It happened just last night. I cry and cry and get it out of my system till the next time it happens. My Mom will have been gone two years on May 9th and I think this flashback thing has happened to me about 4 or 5 times since she died.
My Mom's birthday is May 24 and she passed last July 2016.. Mother's Day and her birthday are the first without her.. I'm having a hard time keeping the tears at bay... I'll go to the cemetery visit her and Dad..It's a National cemetery and it's so beautifully manicured, it always makes me feel good too know they are together..
The grieving process is on going.. I just try to think of the good days and put the whole dementia/caregiver stuff behind..
Not being exhausted daily does put it all in perspective!
DEAR BLOOMSCHOOL, SHE MAY NOT BE PHYSICALLY HERE BUT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART. THAT IS A GOOD THING! MY FATHER DIED AT AGE 32 - WHEN I WAS 8. I STILL MISS HIM AND I AM 79 YRS OLD. HOWEVER, WHEN I WAS A CHILD I WOULD HAVE PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD UNDERSTAND. HE WAS MY PRIVATE FRIEND WHEN I WAS 8 AND STILL IS AT AGE 79. HE IS PHYSICALLY GONE BUT I HAVE WONDERFUL MEMORIES AND INSTEAD OF MAKING ME SAD - THEY ARE COMFORTING TO ME. SOMEONE MAY BE PHYSICALLY GONE BUT THEY EXIST IN YOUR MIND. I THINK THAT IS CALLED TRUE LOVE! THERE ARE MANY PHASES' ONE GOES THRU WITH A LOSS OF A DEAR ONE. I WAS A CHILD AND I MADE MY DAD WHO DIED MY SECRET FRIEND. HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM - NOT PHYSICALLY BUT IN MY MIND - AS HE ALWAYS WAS THERE FOR ME PHYSICALLY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. HE WAS AND IS MY HERO AND ALWAYS WILL BE. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NO LONGER LIVING DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE GONE FROM YOUR LIFE. GOOD MEMORIES ARE WONDERFUL MEMORIES. SOMEDAY YOU AND I WILL CEASE TO EXIST AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I HOPE I HAVE LEFT WONDERFUL MEMORIES TO MY CHILDREN (AS I HAVE OF MY FATHER) TO COMFORT THEM. IF I WAS NEAR YOU I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG - MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA AND SERVE SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT. I CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE HAD A MAN LIKE MY DAD IN MY LIFE. I ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME. SO, SOLDIER ON AND ONE DAY YOUR MEMORY WILL BRING YOU COMFORT INSTEAD OF PAIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LOVE TO REMEMBER HER BY.
Rose ... it is considered YELLING to use all caps ... rude, in other words. But, even aside from that...a post with all caps is near impossible to read.
It's a lovely post to shout from the roof-tops, all the same :)
Maybe Rose has a visual impairment and finds it hard to see lower case? I believe there is a function to make the font size larger on the site, though, isn't there? - just don't ask me how to do it... :/
If RosePetal is who I think she is, she's a long time poster who to the best of my recollection hasn't posted in all caps before. I suspect this might have been a computer gremlin, of which I've seen a lot lately.
GardenArtist, ROSEPETAL does post in all caps for a reason, she is not yelling.
Her Birthday is soon, in November.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSEPETAL!
My fiirst clue....her screen name is in all caps. But I have not yet read her post to which you referenced yet. Maybe trolls do take over our posts if we are gone for awhile?
A computer gremlin----that must be what happens to my posts when I get grouchy and call some poor caregiver out.
Ah, this lady, ROSEPETAL, has in the past received the caregiver's good stamp of excellence, imo. She is a wonderful person, I have read, posted by Staceyb.
I lost my father (who was 32 yrs old when he died of Bright's disease) when I was 8 yrs old and in third grade. How I coped at that age was to have many private conversations with him whenever I needed to. I still do it to this day and I am now 79. My mother was still a young woman and was really unable to deal with the reality. So, she had my grandparents come live with us and actually raise my younger sister and I. Her thoughts were totally about her - with no thought about her children. Of course she married within a year and that was her solution. However, it made it more difficult for my younger sister and I. How I dealt with my grief then was to have conversations (in my head) with my Dad about whatever problem I was dealing with. Those conversations were very important! I could tell him anything - sort of talk it out. I knew he would understand. Those private conversations gave me strength and eventually insight to accept the reality. By the way I still have conversations with him privately. It gave me comfort and somewhere to turn - it also allowed me to vent and of course the next conversation I told him how I had solved the problem. I think I was looking for (love of course) but mostly a chance to feel I had someone in my corner. My Dad and I are still friends and I do communicate with him when I have some kind of problem. It gave me the courage to carry on - it still does. Having someone that you had a close relationship with and then loosing them is leaving you (like half a person). I was very honest with my Dad (still am) and I know he is proud of who I have become and the 3 sons I raised. So, my Dad helped me from the deep love and faith I had in him to have to same faith and belief in myself. I think they call that feeling courage. Everyone needs someone who cares about them. I had my Dad.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sorry to go on like this; haven't done it for awhile. The classic advice is to not make major decisions for a year after a major loss; time and good people are the best medicine.
My father died when I was in medical school, after a few months of serious illness. He was a difficult person, I was not so close to him, and I'd been living far from him for several years at that point. Still, I found his death terribly difficult and disorienting for quite some time. There is something really awful about the finality of death. The person will always live on in your heart and memory, but once he or she has died, you will never be able to see them or talk with them the way you once could. You are left with a hole in your universe that can never be quite filled or repaired. But as others have said, you eventually learn to live with it, though it can take a while.
I think one of the most important things is to realize that you aren't alone in this and that there are places, such as this forum, where you can bring up your feelings and get some support. Take care.
Took about a year to accept it. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I've cried many times during these past four years.
Now between 3-4 years I am more accepting of her being really gone. I have more "chuckle" moments when I talk to her in my head or yes sometimes out loud. "Chuckle" moments because my mom and I could make each other laugh about simple things every day.
I don't think about the last 18 months before she passed because that was such a stressful time for her, with one illness/episode after another. There were some rough times in those months and I am sure when she passed she was ok with going as her dementia got worse and she was having more regularly episodes of forgetting who my brother and I were. She was for awhile at the end a changed woman she wouldn't know. She was independent right up until about 2 years after she fell and broke her hip. She hated losing her independence.
You'll never get over losing your mom- its right up there with the most awful things we cope with during life.
You'll work through it and it's ok to think you won't right now as it's too fresh.
You too will remember your "chuckle" moments and find yourself giggling too, but it's normal for the first year to just really miss your mother badly. Like an ache that won't subside. It doesn't- takes a lot of time.
It's a hard time now, remember the good times as they get you through the bad.
Sorry for your loss.
The grieving process is on going.. I just try to think of the good days and put the whole dementia/caregiver stuff behind..
Not being exhausted daily does put it all in perspective!
SHE MAY NOT BE PHYSICALLY HERE BUT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART. THAT IS A GOOD THING! MY FATHER DIED AT AGE 32 - WHEN I WAS 8. I STILL MISS HIM AND I AM 79 YRS OLD. HOWEVER, WHEN I WAS A CHILD I WOULD HAVE PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD UNDERSTAND. HE WAS MY PRIVATE FRIEND WHEN I WAS 8 AND STILL IS AT AGE 79. HE IS PHYSICALLY GONE BUT I HAVE WONDERFUL MEMORIES AND INSTEAD OF MAKING ME SAD - THEY ARE COMFORTING TO ME. SOMEONE MAY BE PHYSICALLY GONE BUT THEY EXIST IN YOUR MIND. I THINK THAT IS CALLED TRUE LOVE! THERE ARE MANY PHASES' ONE GOES THRU WITH A LOSS OF A DEAR ONE. I WAS A CHILD AND I MADE MY DAD WHO DIED MY SECRET FRIEND. HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM - NOT PHYSICALLY BUT IN MY MIND - AS HE ALWAYS WAS THERE FOR ME PHYSICALLY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. HE WAS AND IS MY HERO AND ALWAYS WILL BE. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NO LONGER LIVING DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE GONE FROM YOUR LIFE. GOOD MEMORIES ARE WONDERFUL MEMORIES. SOMEDAY YOU AND I WILL CEASE TO EXIST AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I HOPE I HAVE LEFT WONDERFUL MEMORIES TO MY CHILDREN (AS I HAVE OF MY FATHER) TO COMFORT THEM. IF I WAS NEAR YOU I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG - MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA AND SERVE SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT.
I CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE HAD A MAN LIKE MY DAD IN MY LIFE. I ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME. SO, SOLDIER ON AND ONE DAY YOUR MEMORY WILL BRING YOU COMFORT INSTEAD OF PAIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LOVE TO REMEMBER HER BY.
HUGS,
ROSE PETAL
Take the caps lock off
Maybe Rose has a visual impairment and finds it hard to see lower case? I believe there is a function to make the font size larger on the site, though, isn't there? - just don't ask me how to do it... :/
ROSEPETAL does post in all caps for a reason, she is not yelling.
Her Birthday is soon, in November.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSEPETAL!
My fiirst clue....her screen name is in all caps. But I have not yet read her post to which you referenced yet. Maybe trolls do take over our posts if we are gone for awhile?
A computer gremlin----that must be what happens to my posts when I get grouchy and call some poor caregiver out.
How I dealt with my grief then was to have conversations (in my head) with my Dad about whatever problem I was dealing with. Those conversations were very important! I could tell him anything - sort of talk it out. I knew he would understand. Those private conversations gave me strength and eventually insight to accept the reality. By the way I still have conversations with him privately. It gave me comfort and somewhere to turn - it also allowed me to vent and of course the next conversation I told him how I had solved the problem. I think I was looking for (love of course) but mostly a chance to feel I had someone in my corner. My Dad and I are still friends and I do communicate with him when I have some kind of problem. It gave me the courage to carry on - it still does. Having someone that you had a close relationship with and then loosing them is leaving you (like half a person). I was very honest with my Dad (still am) and I know he is proud of who I have become and the 3 sons I raised. So, my Dad helped me from the deep love and faith I had in him to have to same faith and belief in myself. I think they call that feeling courage. Everyone needs someone who cares about them. I had my Dad.
Touching story, about your life...
Whether in caps or regular, it is an encouragement for others!