I'm the primary caregiver for my dad. He is 78 and is smaller than he once was. I know that elderly people often loose weight. He has been to the doctor and has had multiple tests and they are all good but, he constantly wants to weigh himself. If he weighs one or two pounds less than he did a few days ago, he wants to go to the doctor. I know that he may be feeling scared because he is getting older so I try to be understanding. However, I have noticed that he often begins this (saying he is sick) when he knows I'm getting ready to be busy with work. I recently started a new job and I explained to him that I will not be able to take off work unless it is an emergency.
Or "no, dad, I have to go to work. We can talk about this later."
Or just "no, dad."
There is NO reason to get engaged in this attention seeking behavior.
Dementia robs people of their reason and logic and judgment. It also decreases their ability to empathize with others (hence many elderly with dementia being labeled as "narcissists"). You will need to keep practicing what should be ignored and how best to ignore it. "Explaining" things to him will work less and less and will exhaust you and waste time, only for you to have to re-explain it again and again. Been there, doing that with my 94-yr old Mom...
It is exhausting trying to explain things to him. But he has really been this way since I was a child. He often only sees his view and needs.. It has just gotten worse now.
So don't be. He doesn't need someone looking after him now, so keep your distance and quit answering your phone when he calls.
And if and when the time comes that he may actually need some assistance, he can move into an assisted living facility. There he will be around other folks his age and get the help he needs. It will be a win win for all involved especially you.
Your dad is not your responsibility in case you didn't know that, so get on with living and enjoying life and your new job.
I know that he probably scared but I provide all the support I can. I have suggested activities to him that are offered but he does not want to do it. He thinks that I'm supposed to do everything for him all of the time. But I do understand his fears that come with aging.
If Dad is competent you do not need to be at his beck and call. If an emergency, he can call 911 and be taken to the ER. You can go after work. He can take advantage of Senior bussing to get him to appts. His request to go see a doctor because he has lost a lb or two is not ur responsibility. So you just say No. What he does not understand is your weight is the lowest in the morning and higher at night. You should only weigh yourself in the morning. You are not going to be 190 all day long. You eat, you drink during the day. He is probably losing muscle mass so the loss of weight.
You are correct, he has loss muscle mass. I also tried to explain that everyone’s weight fluctuates.
I relate to what you are dealing with regarding your dad’s need to weigh and you sound exactly right in your assessment.
What you describe sounds to me like anxiety. Your dad is worried about his health and it IS fairly common for elders to become more anxious when their “person” is otherwise occupied. For some, it’s a vacation they don’t want their LO to take, some are jealous of spouses or children, especially grandchildren it seems. They decide that the caregiver only has enough time, energy, maybe even love for just one and if it has to be just one, well it is going to be themself. Seems selfish but most likely at the root is fear but worse than fear (to me) is anxiety. With fear we are focused …. with anxiety we can’t seem to focus. Perhaps you are also feeling a bit anxious about starting the new job, about dad thinking he needs more attention, etc? It is a very common problem. (I knew a woman who would check into the hospital every time her daughter left town).
You have been preparing your dad for you to not be as available. You are wanting him to not be pressuring you there on your new job to be taking him to the doctor for what seems to you a trivial reason.
Perhaps what he is hearing is that he will be alone with no way to get help. He is focused on his weight as tangible proof his health is failing. He needs reassurance and perhaps more socialization.
Give him something to do with that anxiety to see if it will help. Tell him to weigh himself first thing every morning after peeing and in the same clothing or naked.
Keep a log, could be a simple calendar or a notebook. He should record the weight each day until the next scheduled doctor appointment. Then the doctor can look at his log and see how dad is doing with the weight. You can also look each time you go over and tell dad he is doing a great job collecting this data for the doctor to see.
If your dad no longer drives, see if he qualifies for home health through Medicare. You can call a home health company and ask them to evaluate him for home bound status and contact his doctor for an order to provide the services they find he needs. This weekly visit could go a long way in keeping him assured that he is being looked after.
Good luck on the new job and let us know how it is going.
If he doesn’t qualify now, you will know the steps for later. Also, you can take his temp, BP and O2/pulse once a week and he can see all his vitals are in good order.
You might also consider Meals on Wheels if available in his area. This gives another pair of eyes on him during the day and unless you get a call from them, you will know they saw him and handed off the meal.
Also be proactive within reason on when you will call him for a check in. You will be setting a precedent with whatever you choose. He will worry needlessly and you will become annoyed/stressed if the calls are coming too often.
Thank you! I'm excited about my job.
You are right.. I'm anxious as well. My job is out of town ( only about 40 minutes away) and I fear that he will somehow me need for something while I'm there. He still drives ( in town) and has a good neighbor who lives next door. He pays her to cook for him so food is covered. I was cooking for him at one time but he did not seem to like what I cooked, but I tried. I have suggested signing up with Home Health to step in when I'm not able and he does not want to do it. I was with him earlier today and he said "I have lost so much weight." He said this after I had to take a work call.
No clue what set it off, but it ended up just being a phase. As his dementia progressed he forgot about weight entirely.
The biggest concern with weight is usually those with heart issues where an overnight weight gain of so many pounds might indicate water retention. Eating salty foods can affect weight. A lot of variables. If he’s unwilling or unable to accept logic, there’s not much you can do.
I also get what you may be feeling as it relates to what occurred in your past. As long as you feel he’s pretty much okay for his current health condition, maybe just tell him if he still feels bad in a couple of days, you’ll see if you feel he needs to see a doctor. Most issues resolve themselves in a few days or so. (If he still drives, can’t he take himself there? Or, is the doctor out of driving range for him?)
If he’s mobile, can drive and has a nearby neighbor he communicates with, try blocking his number when you need to and unblock when your available for his calls, contact him when you’re feeling up to it, etc. if something of an urgent nature was to occur, I am sure the neighbor or someone would be in touch with you.
Hang in there!
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