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Glad to have found this forum. I currently have a situation where my disabled, chronically ill mother (67) is declining into dementia or Alzheimer’s (though doctor’s have not formally said this yet—I see it coming). She took a fall in her apt and after 8 days in the hospital, she was taken to an SNF for therapy for being fall risk and the doc not wanting to send her home on her own. She only gives one word responses but can still read and eat, walk on her own sometimes. She is incontinent sometimes and wears adult diapers. I ultimately will NOT want guardianship over her once and if she is deemed unable to make her own decisions. She has Medicare and Medicaid. The doctors did mention she may have to go to assisted living. I also found out 6 months ago (and noticed her declining cognition) she was abusing her pain medication (oxy based) and she was not going to doc appts. She seemed to give up taking care of herself and if I suggested anything she told me to “mind my own business”.


Our backstory is I was extremely parentified by my mother who was an alcoholic and has had Dysfunctional issues all my life. She no longer drinks, but has abused drugs in the past. She also enables a sibling who abuses drugs and they are both triangulated in drama constantly with their older sibling.
I was ultimately raised by other family members who were functional and I left my hometown and made a life for myself in the military. I came back to my hometown eventually, but 10 years ago I TOTALLY cut ties and set boundaries with my Dysfunctional family of origin, including my mother who, despite my continued efforts to assist her in constructive ways, continued to be in triangulation, enmeshment and dysfunctional family trauma and generally make bad decisions.


I, at age 51, have no available resources or willingness as her only child (daughter) to be her guardian or burden/expose my own family with her issues and at present I have NO POAs etc. Before she fell ill, I was planning on relocating with my family for new opportunity and still plan on doing so. Has anyone ever just let the social workers in the SNF take over and have a parent become a ward of the state? After decades of trying to help my mother I am resentful and burnt out emotionally and mentally. I have nothing left to give her except to let the state take care of her and get her the help she needs.


Thanks in advance for any responses.

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I am involved in a similar situation. My mom is 102. The last two years have been hell. I have no life. I am with my mother every day and every day it is the same arguments. She fell down and broke her hip. She spent the summer in rehab and was discharged Labor Day weekend. One of the requirements for her to go home was 24/7 care. She kicked them out on day four. She has fallen twice since then. I have begged her to allow help back in and she refuses. I have filed with APS as have VNA and her PCP. I asked for a guardian to be appointed. Nothing. VNA is after me to bring in help anyway. Social worker saw my mom this morning and said she was receptive to help. I said you didn’t speak to her in the afternoon. I spoke to her and she said no help. I have had enough. She will fall again.
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
So sorry that so many people have to go thru this. There is no reasoning with alz/dementia patients or ones who are so dang stubborn they refuse any and all help....even when they know they need it. So incredibly frustrating isnt it? We only want our family members to be safe and taken care of....
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Many great responses to your question here. I just want to add how fortunate you turned out to be a fine, caring person after not having a useful mother and being made to suffer. What amazes me is how long these horrible people can live and drive everyone to dispair while not taking care of themselves.
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Davina Sep 2019
Yes, they live forever.
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NoGPeace, how are things going for you? Have you come to any conclusions for moving forward with above question?
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Cut ties with her & protect you family/children as that is your more important duty - you should not even feel a bit guilty because she maybe your biological mother but she is not your 'mom' - she made that choice years ago - have a happy move
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Please do what is best for you. Feel no guilt and don't let anyone make you feel as if you should forgive anyone for anything. Live your best life, no regrets. Life is much to short. God bless!
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This question right here is one of the best things about this forum!!! The poster will know her options and the fact that she is not obligated to take on the role of guardian. Lord knows the medical profession and hospital personnel will always try to guilt/arm-twist/obligate, whatever, a daughter (especially) to take on the care of the parent (mostly the mom). The supportive and constructive comments here are really great. What a sticky mess this aging-parent stuff becomes. It's like quick sand pulling you under.
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
You sure said it right!!
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NoGPeace: A bit late to this thread, but I agree with everyone and I'm so relieved for you that you're getting the support you need here (though I never doubted that).

I can't add any more of my support other than, hmmm, I now see your profile name as "GoNPeace".
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I understand your anger. My mother was emotionally abusive during my childhood and refused to accept her father’s role in my childhood sexual abuse. Especially if you are not willing, it would be an unhealthy situation for you and her

my mother is in an independent living apartment. We are about to move her to AL. She has begun showing signs of dementia. I am here, overseeing her care, paying her bills, and helping. In the last few years, I have come to terms with how I was raised and realized that none of us are perfect parents. I cannot say I have forgiven her. But I love her and want to do this for her.
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Justme44 Sep 2019
We all really can only do our best. My mom is fall risk and fell twice on Friday. My nerves are pushed to limit! I know its time to seek outside services because i am drowning under the caregiver burnout, parent to teenager and college. Enough is enough.
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I don't blame you at all . You are not responsible for anyone in this world but yourself . Just because they are your parents, doesn't mean you have to be there caregiver . If you don't want to do it, then don't it. It's that simple . Let the state take over, or someone else. Move on, and live your life . I wish you the best . Your in my prayers .
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I feel for you, as I am 56 and estranged from my abusive narcissistic parents. I will NOT take care of them because both are extremely cruel and toxic to my life. We are not responsible for our parents. My therapist told me that I must not be poisoned by toxic parents if I want to live a healthy life..and that I need not feel guilty for not caretaking them

I tried to steer my parents to senior centers and agencies for help before going no contact. They shrugged it off until their attempts to force me to solve their problems didn't work (I have very strong boundaries). Left to their own devices, they learned on their own to be adults and seek help on their own.

We are not being selfish but looking after our wellbeing. Toxic family are not allowed in my home and life. They are too disruptive. I am done after years of being a "good daughter" while being attacked/blamed and shamed nonstop by two narcissistic people who cannot and will not respect or love me. They made their bed and will have to lie in it.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up over this. Its not our fault they were such terrible parents. It's up to them to deal with the repercussions now. They will cling to other potential victims and get what they want.
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You are smart enough to see that that would not work out. Don't get guardianship.
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It’s really too bad but I think it’s the smartest/healthiest thing to do. You’re not ever going to solve her problems and you’re wise not to try.
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i should have done what you are doing. I should have chosen that path. Instead, I wound up being a resentful, anxious mess. Mom had some assets, which at first seemed attractive, but here I am now a year after her death still reeling from the trauma. I got divorced, failed at my work responsibilities as a caregiver, and am now looking for a new career. I almost even lost contact with my own son because I was so busy dating in my pathetic attempt to just have some fun amid the depressing paperwork, management of caregivers, cleaning out an entire household hoard, renting out the house, and moving money around involved with taking over my Mom’s estate.
Luckily, my son readily forgave me, I’m starting up my own business, and I’ve started to get my life back on track. I would not recommend this course for anyone with an abusive and neglectful childhood in his/her past.
I really didn’t have much support; just a string of unreliable boyfriends; no amount of money was worth it, in retrospect. My mother looked the other way when my stepdad was molesting me, and never apologized. She was narcissistic, jealous of my accomplishments, and we never had a solid loving relationship when I was growing up; It wasn’t a solid enough relationship for me to have stepped in and have my life ransacked. You’re making the right choice. Don’t feel a need to over-explain your situation to strangers; they won’t understand or be able to make you feel better about your path. Please update us and let us know how you are doing. My heart goes out to you. I understand.
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Judyskid Sep 2019
Great answer.
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EXCELLENT response, Yediah!!
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With no POA, I think you would have to apply for guardianship when she is unable to make her own decisions. You can do POA from a distance, but it is much more difficult. The courts would decide if you or a state-appointed person should be guardian. It's always best for a person who cannot fend for themself to have an advocate. Even if someone else is appointed as guardian. People and institutions sometimes take advantage or are neglectful. That being said, you have a right to your own life. Try not to feel guilty.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
You are only considered for guardian if you are willing to be one. The state can not force anyone to become guardian. If the social worker is told No, never gonna happen, you are not even involved with any of the process.
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With social services involved, you are free to go.
Everything from this point forward should be driven by her team, from which you respectfully excuse yourself.
i am going through a very similar situation, except I made the GRAVE error of letting her live in my home. I cannot tell you how much I’ve regretted that.
So now, MY family, me, as I had to quit work to take care of her around the clock, are shouldering her responsibilities.

We go through life carrying so much grief and guilt, this isn’t your load to carry.
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NoGPeace Sep 2019
My prayers are with you. I’ve always been adamant about NEVER being under the same roof with my mother. I’m very grateful I never buckled to that demand (Lord knows she did try but I was not having it). I have no ties to her or any of her affairs, etc. contact has been very minimal as necessary.
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Yes. Sometimes to protect ourselves, it is appropriate to divorce ourselves from our family of origin. I think for you, it sounds appropriate because I can see it would eventually become a situation of resentment and retribution/abuse. The anger is there still. Allowing dispassionate detached persons to assist your mother is probably best for her and for you.
I made that choice 15 years ago related to my own mother. I have no contact. I plan no further contact for any reason. I have no care for the disposition of any property or even a funeral. She will have made a plan and others can carry those out. I just do not care anymore...enough hurts and traumas... I lost my childhood and family long ago...and my attempts to repair the relationship as an adult failed.

I now like my life away from my family of origin and have cut all ties forever. God is big enough to watch over that, and I surrendered that to Him years ago. I cannot love her enough to help. But God can.
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A really really wise decision on your part. Wishing you great good luck going forward. Stay away from all that drama.
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I think that you are very wise to move far away from the insanity.

I would not tell anyone anything that you don't feel comfortable telling. No, I am not going to be her guardian is all you need to say. Nobody needs the back story. It's just ammo for them to try and guilt you with. You don't owe anyone any explanations. NO, is a complete sentence.
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NoGPeace Sep 2019
Yes, it was a very short convo. I let them do the talking and kept my answers very short and simple.
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First you are not alone. I was in your shoes when my estranged father had a stroke. He survived, paralyzed and needed full care, etc. i advised the hospital staff I would not be responsible for him at all. They asked me several times if I was sure and kept telling me he would become a ward of the state and so on. I advised them I was very sure - i had forgiven him but i could not be responsible for him. His actions determined this outcome for him.
I was torn with responsibility and not my responsibility but I knew I made the correct choice for all concerned.
I know he ended up in different nursing homes and one of my cousins looked after him. Her heart was bigger than mine but she chose to check on him. When he passed away I did handle his cremation. I chose the most economical process and the least involved.
Folks do not understand what “we” experience and will never understand. Blessings for them. However, i did accept responsibility to cremate him as I knew it was not my cousins responsibility.
I advise you pray and know in your heart this is your best choice. Then be positive and assure them you do not accept care of your mother. There were papers to sign and that was to protect the hospital and show that they had contacted me.
Hope this helps you.
Don’t let anyone bully you or convince you differently after you have made your decision. They don’t understand and will try to tell you to forget the past, that it’s your duty as a child, that you should forgive and more. My cousin grew up like I did - her dad was my dad’s brother. She understood my choice. Wish you well going forward.
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NoGPeace Sep 2019
Thank you DianneGee. No way—-the coercive comments don’t work on me. But I saw this last crisis coming 6 months ago and I could feel the old resentment patterns returning as I made one LAST effort to get through to her during the few encounters we had. But DH is a saint and he quizzed me about what would I do if she can’t take care of herself. I shut the “what if” out of my mind until “what if” finally happened a few weeks ago. But I have made my decision and I have no regrets. It’s been a tough couple of weeks but I feel like I can breathe again and move forward for myself and my own family.
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My parents were/are awful people and I walked away from both of them after trying for fifty years to get through to them. I didn't leave them to social workers and the state because they had other resources but I would have.

My father had his second wife--she had her own business and took care of him to the end. He was estranged from everyone else and even gossiped about her whenever she was out of earshot. My mother is 92, frail and half blind but strong as a horse and will probably live to be 107. She has plenty of money and lots of people around her but they all use her, which she encourages so she can control them.

Both of my parents have/had personality disorders and were abusive and impossible; I knew instinctively when I was three years old that something was wrong with both of them. I've also completely given up on my mother so she'll have to find her own way through to the end. I tried for so long and wasted so much time and money on both of them that any "guilt" or hope is gone.

So I did walk away--twice. Wish I'd done it years sooner.
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Guilt is for all intents and purposes a worthless, joy sucking, non-productive emotional reaction to complicated decision making.

You have written a lucid and rational explanation for a complex problem which has been “gifted” to you by other people who do not and CANNOT comprehend the UNIQUE experience that has determined your decision making.

May you be blessed by a renewed future without the constraints of ANYONE’S opinions BUT YOURS in regard to the degree of care in which you participate on your mother’s behalf.
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DianneGee Sep 2019
Well put.
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Your mother was 16 when she had you so I can imagine her adult life happened before she was ready. I hope someday you can forgive her, for your own sake. Carrying these feelings must be a burden for you.

Before you exit the scene, please meet with her social worker at the SNF or hospital to tell your side of the story. Make it clear you cannot give her the support she needs. AL is not cheap and not covered by Medicaid. Relocate as you planned and don't give your new address to your mom.
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Davina Sep 2019
She doesn't need to forgive--it has nothing to do with healing. Please do not preach forgiveness to someone who's been abused all of her life.
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-dont-love-her-441480.htm?orderby=recent

Judy, it seems to me that you were told that you could walk away.

You said that APS contacted you. The fact that they "know who you are" doesn't mean that you need to provide hands on care.

Tell APS that you cannot provide care for your mother. If they threaten and bluster and say "the state will take guardianship" say "yes, please"!

Hoping that you are doing well. Please post back here for support!
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Judyskid Sep 2019
I am Judy's kid. Not Judy. Thank you for the response. I appreciate it.
Joanna29, I DON'T want to call anyone, I want to wash my hands of it. Thank you for your response.
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Lucky you to get all this support. I posted something similar a few months ago and was basically told that she was my responsibility. Please do what's best for you.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2019
I just read ur previous post. Other than someone saying "you did asked ur Mom to move closer" you were told to walk away. Find Mom an AL or LTC. I don't see where u weren't suppported.
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Do not let anyone guilt you over her situation.  You are not responsible for her.  Take advantage of the opportunity you and your family have and don't look back.  She has chosen her path...you need to choose yours.
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It happens. Requires possible psychiatric evaluation and court appointed guardianship if deemed necessary. A skilled nursing facility will monitor her medications. If she is already on Medicaid no worries. If psych evaluation says she is competent she has the right to refuse nursing home placement, but you can still ask for court-appointed guardianship.
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No Matter your Story or Situation, You have the Right to Refuse. Period. Yes, Social Services will Make Sure She is Cared for.
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I applaud your clear thinking and acceptance of the realities.

There is bound, as you and your mother continue through life, to be a certain amount of tut-tutting and head-shaking from uninformed people that this poor poor lady etc etc. With a bit of luck it won't come to your attention, but if it ever should, be comforted. You are choosing the direction which will result in your mother's needs being met without detriment to your family or yourself; and if that doesn't satisfy popular sentiment - too bad.
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NoGPeace Sep 2019
Thank you Countrymouse. One of the dramatic, triangulating and Dysfunctional siblings of my mother has already tried the proverbial guilt trip on me, but I calmly held firm to my decision and ended the conversation. I have to limit my contact. I’ve been breathing much easier in the last day or so and simply looking forward. My mother will get the care she needs and my family will be intact and at peace without any added burden or responsibilities they did not ask for. Thank you so much for your response. Take care.
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Thank you everyone for your responses. I very much appreciate your input and sharing of your experiences. You have all helped to bring me some guilt-free CLARITY and resolve (and a sigh of relief from DH & kids). We are excited about moving forward with our future and not allowing anything to hinder our plans.
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Janna228 Sep 2019
Bless you for posting this. I too am in your situation and have been tearing myself apart about it. After reading your story, and reading these responses, I have finally come to the decision I've been wanting to make for fifty eight years with my mentally ill, narcissistic and psychologically abusive mother. This group has been such a comfort to me today. May we all be free of guilt and suffering. Although I'm sad to think anyone else has had to walk this difficult path, at least we know we aren't alone. Sending warmth and support to all of you who have responded so lovingly and supportively to NoGPeace. Love to you all.
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