Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?
My cousin is 100 years old and she won’t give up driving. She tells her children, “Don’t worry, I only drive to church, grocery, pharmacy, Walmart, the dollar store and lunch with my friends.”
My LO in Florida was required to be tested after a stroke. It was an actual road test but I don’t think it was at the DMV, maybe another entity that works with rehabs. Passed but shouldn’t have.
Driving too long in Florida is a very well known issue.
DCAT Driving Test Please find out where she can get tested - it is a simulated test.
https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/safety/dementia-driving
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/driving-safety-and-alzheimers-disease
He was so upset and mad but we knew he was no longer a risk to innocent people
Mom is more resigned, but she doesn't have to move until we clean out and sell their house. She currently stays with me so I can care for her, but this house isn't in a much better condition. Plus, the stairs are proving more and more difficult for her.
It's going to be a long summer for you, and us!
Most important, have a DBPR and get her off the road.
She can be independent in IL or AL. In FL a note from the doctor will do it.
Be strong, do the right thing for her.
You're right you're doing what is best for her, and that *is* crucial. Absolutely agree. However, please keep in mind that doesn't mean the caregiver's feelings about it are nonexistent or unimportant. We're talking about family, not a stranger, maybe someone who you've known and loved or respected your entire life.
Of *course* you have to be strong & do what is best for their needs, not their "wants" - but let's not forget that it's not always easy, which is the whole point of having a forum like this to gain strength and empathy from others in similar situations :).
It sounds like you have been a caring and considerate child. Your mom is lucky to have you.
I think that gentle conversations, albeit it hard, are in order. Have you been in the car as your parent drove? Is she unsafe? If so, point out the ways that she is unsafe. She may realize that it is time to give up her license with your gentle persuasion.
I try to ride with my aged mother once a month. As much as I don't want to be a passenger, I need to know how her driving is. Aside from parking poorly and driving a bit slow, my mother is a decent driver. I have told her not to drive at night and not to go on a highway, and stay close to home. She is willing to make that accommodation to keep driving.
Wishing you the best in this hard time in life.
At one point, months later, when she brought it up, I just said, “Mom. I know that was a hard blow to your independence, but I think you and I both know that you should not be driving.” She didn’t have a response and never brought it up again. She passed away at the age of 96 in AL and not in a car accident possibly injuring someone else as well as herself.
This was in NC and I know states have different guidelines, but it’s our story.
Just tell mom you're getting older and want to spend more time with her and that is why she needs to move closer. Tell her you are struggling to manage things from 500 miles away.
As far as the driving goes, if she is still fighting you on it, you can send a letter to the BMV and tell them that your mom has dementia and shouldnt be driving. You can ask them to test her. They will send her a letter asking her to come in for a test. It will take care of itself.
Cuz you need a plan, you can't just get her license revoked without a way for her to get her needs met, that would be cruel.
As I mentioned, all this can be done anonymously. Our mom was furious and was determined to find out who reported her. For months she obsessively asked us and her doctors if we knew who did it. Fortunately, the DMV would not tell her so I have not had to directly incur her wrath, but I do have to listen to her fume about it to this day, a year later. That said, it was all worth it to know she is not on the road anymore.
I reported both my patents to DMV. This was in NY and each state is different. My dad was the first. He drank everyday and his vision was going so I downloaded the form filled it out and sent it. It took a few weeks but they (DMV) sent him a notice that he needed to do a driving test. He went and took the test and failed. My mom (or in your case, someone you know who lives near your mom) had to drive him to the test in case he failed. They told him he could retake the test and perhaps get his license back but he never did. A year and a half later my mom was showing signs of dementia. Short term memory loss and some frustration. After watching her for months and knowing that she was now the only driver in the house, we became worried. So my sister and I reported her. In NY they do not tell the person being tested who reported them to DMV. That was my sisters biggest worry. She did not want my parents to be angry with her. I understand that, but there are innocent people out there and old drivers can cause accidents. I was not comfortable with my mom's ability to continue driving. Anyway, I don't remember how she got to the driving test, probably a friend (my sister and I live in different states from my parents), but my mom failed the test too. So now neither of them could drive and they had no interest in hiring someone to come into their home to help them.
Long story short. My mom continued to drive, We told her over and over if you get in an accident, you will go to jail. She would not listen. So just know you can advise DMV that your parent is dangerous behind the wheel, but if they take the license away, NO ONE IS GOING TO ENFORCE IT. The police do not care, APS will not intervene. My mom never got into an accident but my sister and I worried about that happening all the time. We finally came and took the keys, but know that they can get the car towed and have new keys made. Hopefully your mom is not that determined.
Now they are in a nursing home. Do they resent us, probably. Did we try everything we could to get them help and keep them safe in their home, YES we did. In the end try to tell your mom:
Make decisions today for what you want tomorrow. Life is changing and if you do not make your choices today, in a manner that safely protects you and your community, you may not get those choices tomorrow.
For your peace of mind do what your gut tells you regardless of whether she gets mad at you. You could save someones life. You could save her life.
Good luck and I wish you the very best with your decisions.
I am in NY so can only speak to what happened here. Our DMV website lets you anonymously report an unsafe driver. You aren't anonymous to the DMV, but you are to the person you are reporting. They will get a letter from the DMV to report for a road test. When I took my mom for the "ridiculous" test, she couldn't even pass the written part, which was required for the actual road test. License suspended immediately. It took my about 9 months to be able to sell her car. I ended up getting $5k less selling it last October than CarMax offered me in May, but que sera sera. She would not allow me to sell it, "I'm going to get my license back".
As I have POA, I went to the elder care attorney in January, as after having Covid my mom could no longer be alone, ever. We had been paying for four hours of care a day, which was ok until she got sick (what a fun Christmas that was, me alone with my mom with dementia, both of us with Covid) to start the Medicaid application. After Christmas we were paying for 24/7 care at home. I had a very nice facility already picked out. The day of admission, I told her that I had to take her for a mandatory test in order to keep her insurance. Dementia = white lies go unchallenged. When she found out she was staying there, she went batshit ballistic. Her PCP at the facility immediately put her on Seroquel. My mom has been there since March and is a VIP patient based on my friendly relationship with the ED of the facility. She is getting great care, everything is clean, and she even has a private room. Even the food it good!
She still has her days when she wants to "go home", and meltdowns. The staff know how to care for her and handle her. She doesn't love it there, but that is irrelevant as I know she is getting exemplary care.
In hindsight I worried way too much. Please do what is necessary in FL to get her license taken. I hope you have POA so you can sell her car and do whatever else is necessary without being challenged. Best of luck. YOU CAN DO it!!