Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?
[p.s. 'just reporting' just mean your mother won't drive. Likely she will.]
1. Someone needs to take a part out of her car so it will not start.
2. Plug up the key hole (w/glue) so key won't go in (if car requires a key).
You need to replace her car key on her 'key ring' with another key that won't work.
NO CAREGIVER should be allowing her to get in a car. If this continues fire this caregiver and get another one that will abide by your direction(s).
This is something that YOU must handle...
Take action now. This is your responsibility.
You do not want your mother to kill someone and this is a 100% possibility, along with herself.
See TEEPA SNOW's website. She has webinars / videos about elders / driving / what to do.
Is your mom insured to drive?
Does your mom has medical documentation indicating she is unable to drive and/or has dementia and not allowed to drive? If yes, provide to DMV by Fed Ex. You need to go see her tomorrow and handle this.
Of course people here have family members / parents who have been angered.
I am unclear what you are asking / what your needs are?
Are you afraid that your mother will get mad at you?
If you are making choices based on this fear, you need someone else to handle this very dangerous situation. And, get into therapy for yourself. You are not making healthy decisions for yourself, your mother, or anyone in the streets or sidewalks - someone is potentially going to get maimed or killed. It could be a child, a family in another car. Do something. You know what to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
I'm 86 and drive locally during the day but have voluntarily stopped driving at night or in bad weather. I avoid freeway driving unless it's absolutely essential. Particularly since COVID, our area has experienced a significant increase in confrontational drivers. There have been more than a few "road rage" shooting incidents on our freeways. Scary! I can no longer always go where I'd like or do what I once did, but that's the trade-off. I'm a careful driver with no accidents (so far).
I guess my point is that it may not always be all-in or all-out when it comes to driving unless the person is clearly a danger to self or others. Older adults may be able to make a responsible decision of their own volition. (Admittedly, it will make life much more challenging if/when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I think/hope I will know when that time has come.)
You could help pay the insurance or upkeep or gas and let the companion drive Ms. Daisy around.
Check with the Florida Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles as to what will happen and what test(s) will be required these days if you report your mom.
One near us, has a large van, and they will drop people off at the shopping area, and pick them back up or wait for them...
That is a perk some facilities offer... But you need to check into it.
HE has seen it multiple times... So, one day, he said to take the car keys ... period...
ok.... no ma, yo cannot drive anymore...sorry...
And the insurance to go on top of that? yikes...
and my friend was hit by a senior... mistook the gas pedal for the brake.. t-boned him... car was totaled.. Thank goodness it was on the passenger side that took the bulk of the hit....
And a years back.. a senior drove down the Santa Monica Board Walk, and ran over 5 or 6 people...he was confused.. That was before public walking spaces put up the big giant steel posts that would stop a car from proceeding ...
A friend was an insurance broker... he told a story of an old lady driving in a parking lot, ran over a person, got very confused... backed up, because she didn't know what she ran over, car went over the injured, the proceeded to put the car back into drive and drove over that person again...
Think about all the fun lawsuits you can be enjoying if mom gets into an accident.. nobody to witness this old lady did not cause the accident.. whose story is going to be believed? The young one or the old one with dementia?
Oh ya... my friend found out her mother had brain cancer, ,because the LAST CAR ACCIDENT MOM CAUSED within 3 weeks OF each other, mom had to have a CT SCAN... head injuries... her car rolled. Thats how fast she was driving... She passed away soon after.. Very progressive brain cancer...and they were still in lawsuits with the previous accidents.. The last accident she was the only one involved, thank goodness.
yes, role reversal.
The wall of guilt..
The longing in the eyes, voice, and demeanor.. It was agonizing...
hence the WALL OF GUILT... and it is still up...lil by lil... Yes, quickly goes up,, and....
:(
Side note... having the Medical Board make this decision takes the blame off of you.... it did me....
I ask because my husband is a doctor and I thought it was strictly for licensing doctors, check on their credentials and also disciplining bad docs and or taking away their licenses.
Is it possible your letter went to a kind hearted soul who decided to help on their own time?
It’s interesting; at any rate I am glad you received help from them.