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I think I miss my mom and the way she used to be. She’s 71 and still extremely independent but signs of change due to age is here.


She’s extremely self-centered now. She inserts herself into every situation, makes everything about her, has to share her opinion even when not asked. Over reacts to EVERYTHING. No matter what it is, it’s a level 10 reaction if she’s annoyed or bothered by something. Loud, abrasive, no awareness that she’s crossing boundaries of people around her.


My mom used to be extremely supportive. Thoughtful. Aware. It’s painful to see our relationship weaken.

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71 in my book these days is still rather young by comparison to the past. So an early personality change like this is concerning. It is true that as people age their world narrows and they do become more self centered. However why has she changed at this age. Has she had any medical check ups recently? My mother died of a brain tumor at 64 and her personality was affected. So I would level with your mom. Tell her what you’ve observed, that you are concerned ther could be something wrong. And would she consider seeing her doctor. If she does, then go with her and try to let the doctor know what you’ve observed. It could be a physical issue or mental.
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It’s like beginning a relationship with someone new. My Mom overreacts with me, is loud, has no boundaries with those around her, cannot hear - and is just as you described your Mom.

Before these changes, I’d know how Mom would react to most things. Now it’s all just intensified. I’m so surprised at some things she’s said and done the last few years. Now, coming to grips with these changes, it IS sad.

We are experiencing grief for what was. I recommend caregiver support group, which you have online, here. Try to plug in with a local support group - I am lucky to have an active group of 8-10 caregivers in all stages of caregiving. Read up on what to expect in the future of dementia caregiving so you’re able to see ahead of the curve. Right now, I’m researching how to best navigate conversations with Mom about all the things she does not want to do (because I’ve suggested it).

Hope you stay in touch here.
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KatKat124 Aug 2019
Omgosh! Reading your answer here today was like I wrote this. Thank you. It has been so helpful reading the emails each morning from the Aging Care. It has been very Sad to see my Mom changing , my heart breaks very time I speak to Mom nowadays. God Bless
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I think that EVERYONE'S relationship changes to some degree as the parent (and child!)) age! It wouldn't be healthy or normal to hang on to your mommy your entire life as if she were the only 'person' in your life. Same with dads but it seems more of an issue with mothers.

My mother and I are basically just on speaking terms. And it's really her fault, b/c she has always been so self centered. Who was it said 'house devil, street angel?" Wow--does that apply.

Just the natural growth up and apart from our parents is far better than having a daily 'need' to talk to or see a parent. (I'm talking about a parent who isn't requiring daily physical, emotional assistance. Just a mom being a mom.) I may go a week between talks with my son--but that's my SON. My daughters , I hear from every week, even if it's just a quick text or visit. I hope to keep space in my togetherness with them. And I have cancer right now and am undergoing chemo, feel lousy all the time and might like to hear from them more often...but the constant reminder that my own relationship with my mother is awful...I tend to withdraw a little and not ask them for anything. Support as they raise the kids (and when their kids were small, I was tending for them every week!) and helping when wanted. Close as we want but not closer. It's a fine line!

My BFF had the loveliest mother. Just--wonderful, Guileless and sweet and loving. When she passed, even tho she hadn't been an active part of my life for years, I mourned her passing. She was a BIG part of my growing up years--for the good.

I have 100% control over whether I do or don't see mother. And I don't. I'm self protecting and I have no plans to see her until (maybe) Christmas and that will e a drop by visit, and I won't even go in her house if I am still immunocompromised.

I don't have wonderful. loving memories of life with my mom. It's so sad, but I daresay, there's a lot of us out there.

So I would say yes, my relationship with mother has changed. I'm stronger and say "no" a lot and don't put up with ANY of her crap.
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 2019
Hope you are doing okay....i say a special prayer for you daily....love and blessings to you.....Liz
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The short answer I can give you is try to just stay positive and be positive with her as long as you maintain positivity you will help your self and possibly help her. I know it’s extremely hard to stay positive however laughter smiling and making jokes even if their stupid jokes helps a lot. Also it’s possibly your time to become the one that supportive thoughtful and aware. As the caregiver of my own parents that’s what I tried to do I hope this helps you. Also don’t forget to do something good for yourself pamper yourself a little bit do something that you love to do and don’t feel guilty about it.
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Made me sad to read your post because I went
through same with my Mom. I adored her, single
Mom, good mother but always bossy, could be hateful
and so critical. It got a lot worse the older she got.
I put up with it for to many years. Always trying to
please her. Bought her new microwave once, next
time I went home, it was in the basement. The power
went out & to much trouble to read instructions to
reset the clock!!! I just grew so very tired of this, begin
not to even like her anymore. I realized what a narcissist,
controlling woman she was. Sweet as honey out in
public but OH God, at home, in car, in restaurants she
was a nightmare, embarrassed me constantly and
then the love slowly begin to die (SAD). She died 4
years ago & I really do not miss her or grief! That makes
me so very sad!
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lablover64 Aug 2019
My mother would call that behavior "street angel, house devil" when she saw it in others. It definitely applies to HER now.
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I was always Dad's favorite. When the illness begin to make itself known, my first instinct was to help and protect him. Now, I feel like I never knew the man. No more in depth conversations, lest we trip a trigger back to WW2 or the Depression. He is so negative... I try and have a new item mentioned at breakfast, just to set the tone for the day, (and keep him feeling informed) today, he twisted it so fast into doom and gloom and self centered, I had to finish the rest of the meal in silence. I swear I could say it's a beautiful day and he'd find a dozen reasons why it's not. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd think "Shady Pines," but the choice of throwing myself on the sword or locating assisted living is coming, and that is a thought I hate. It's un unfair Catch-22 that life has thrown and consider anyone who has lost their parent lucky. This slow goodbye is hell.
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NancyH2877970 Aug 2019
I would suggest you look into adult day care for your husband. I know a number of spouses who have resorted to day care. It is a place where your husband can spend the day for a minimal fee, there are scholarships available to help financially, if you need it, It provides lunch and activities as well as socialibilty , If you you several hours a day to go to lunch with a friend, get your hair done, go shopping, etc. It sounds as if you are in need of some daily respit care before you have a breakdown. It is very difficult to see the one you love and married cope with the changes in his life,
Please talk to his and your doctor about this, get him evaluated to find out if he is in the
first stages of Alzheimers or dementia and find out what your options are. Help is out there but you need to get this evaluation and assemble a team who can help you face whatever is ahead. Good luck. I have been down this road for the past 11 years until my husband died 17 months ago.
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Sounds a bit like what happens to many LO's taste buds as they age, they elevate the sweets and the salt (even though it's so bad for them) because they can't taste anything otherwise or sometimes anything but salty and sweet. Maybe you could try to see/hear your mom's reactions that way, as heightened because otherwise she isn't feeling. Even though it's almost impossible for us to understand because we just can't relate, she likely has no sense that she is being so contrary, her filter is different and she just doesn't have the sense that she is no longer being thoughtful and supportive or that she is being so difficult to those around her instead. She is not in control of her thoughts and behavior they way she used to be and who knows perhaps she always had these thoughts she just never expressed them and made the decision to live the old saying "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all".

I agree it absolutely warrants having her fully checked out since this is such a major change for her not just magnified normal behavior but generally speaking even if they are able to reverse some of it for now there is going to come a time when you will need to change your approach and way of thinking about her behavior because she wont have enough awareness or control over her behavior to expect her to change. Maybe if you imagine to yourself, this is what was really going through her mind years ago, imagine how Dad would have reacted if she had said this then? Or maybe consider how much self control she exercised all those years if this is her natural, raw, reaction and what a loving thing it was to refrain. Either way the person she is exhibiting now doesn't change the person you grew up with, don't let this current behavior win out as being the way you relate to her and remember her because you do yourself a disservice if you do and that would be a shame.
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Mom was always headstrong. My opinion was she was somewhat controlling, mostly due to her childhood experiences. But her tendency to control was motivated by wanting to help mostly. Not to say it wasn't difficult at times. My experience in her last few years was she found that she had to relinquish control as she needed more help and as time went on, our relationship was even better. I never expected this. She was clearly grateful for the help I provided and as she let go of control all that was left was pure love. Pure unconditional love. I realize that this may not be most people's experience but it was mine. She taught me so much about unconditional love and aging with grace.
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Oh yes! I use to think my mother was supportive and maybe she was! We use to talk a lot, however, I am sure unlike your mom (mind was talking about me behind my back). We live together now and we don't talk unless she needs something or I need her to do something. I have learned to detach from her!

What you are describing above was probably the first signs of dementia (I don't know for sure), but I remember telling her something--anything and some how it became all be about her! I could tell her something small and she would just take it to a whole new level or it would turn into an argument. Well, I just stop calling her and didn't really talk to her for 4 to 5 yrs (this was when my dad was alive). I didn't understand what was going on! Now that hindsight being 20/20, I think it was dementia showing its ugly head! Even my dad couldn't stand to talk or be around her anymore.

I wonder does your mom have dementia? You talk like your mom is showing a new personality changes! She could of had a mini-stoke and no one would have know it--not even her!

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this...to me this is one of the hardest things to go through in the beginning, because it is so confusing. My heart goes out to you! To me this is where the mother I knew and thought who loved me died and someone else took over or maybe for me (just speaking of my relationship with my mother) her true colors came out)! Sigh:(

Hugs!!!
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Welcome to Dementiaville! It's sad to see what this condition does to the brains and personalities of those we love. I first dealt with it in the mid-1980s with my beloved grandfather who, at that time, was the person I loved most in the world. I was a grandpa's girl from babyhood. He was the handsomest, wisest, strongest, kindest, funniest, most loving man in the world. His personality changed drastically with the advance of dementia. I felt like someone pulled the rug out from under my whole existence. As his confusion grew, he became irritable, quarrelsome, and defiant. He was actually better behaved with me than with anyone else. It just felt weird to reverse our roles of protector, soother, and teacher.

In a way, it did prepare me for how my mother (his daughter) is behaving now. She and I butted heads occasionally to begin with and now it is 10 times worse with our role reversal. She was always a bit self centered and that is very much magnified these days. She used to be generous and helpful to others and is now paranoid - accusing everyone of stealing from her and hoarding things like reading glasses and pens. I don't like who she has become and she wouldn't either if she realized it. I can only pray that my body or heart will give out before my mind does. I don't want to live like that.
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