I think I miss my mom and the way she used to be. She’s 71 and still extremely independent but signs of change due to age is here.
She’s extremely self-centered now. She inserts herself into every situation, makes everything about her, has to share her opinion even when not asked. Over reacts to EVERYTHING. No matter what it is, it’s a level 10 reaction if she’s annoyed or bothered by something. Loud, abrasive, no awareness that she’s crossing boundaries of people around her.
My mom used to be extremely supportive. Thoughtful. Aware. It’s painful to see our relationship weaken.
It's too costly to be abused. (especially since many caregivers are older in age themselves!).
Dad used to have a caring side to him.
It is gone now. He is prone to terrifying fits of rage, is simmering with hostility and angry emotions just below the surface. He loses control of his emotions so much I am truly afraid if him. He and mom show no interest in me unless somehow it benefits them. I miss the days when he was nicer. My mother was always abusive to both of us and he was weak..I protected him a lot. The years of living with a power hungry megalomaniac have taken its toll. He lashes out in anger at me if I show kindness. He threw the Christmas presents I bought for him back at me last holiday season, nasty and self righteous for no reason. They don't give me presents but I gave them some anyways. Not anymore. I will not visit at Christmas anymore. Both of them are so mean that I have now backed away for my wellbeing. My physical health is suffering from years of their abuse and so now I must put myself first.
I mourn the loss of the part of dad that cared. Mom is fake "nicer" but only because she is looking for free gifts, dinners in restaurants and money from me. I'm done with all of that because they've come to expect..and demand..these things. She never loved me and resents me now because I am successful, and have boundaries. She worked hard to make sure I would fail in life..so I worked hard to get ahead. And I did. They both resent me for not being their gutless servant. Tough. Life goes on and it hurts so much to have parents who don't care but my life away from them is peaceful and good. My therapist says that I was an "orphan" all along..because they cannot love or be there. They only get worse so its my time to let go. It's just not worth my health.
Or she might be in early dementia .... or xxxxx .... or yyyyy .... or zzzzz - she seems a bit early to be in dementia but that could be the case - maybe she is lonely & inserts herself to get attention - monitor this but don't panic too soon
Also a person's needs/wants/expectation changes as they get older .... a 20 year old woman wanting to get married & have kids is acceptable but not in a 60 years old .... just to give you an example - you are not a teen-ager or early 20 year old not so why are you expecting your mom not to have changed too
Try to look at her life & maybe she is bored out of her gourd or maybe she has to cancel outings with friends to fit you into her life or somewhere in between just know she has been adjusting her life as she ages & hasn't been static in her activities/life goals
May Yahova give you strenght and wisdom 🙏
I am good enough to wipe her a**, dump her bedside commode, bathe her from head to toe, change her soiled sheets, etc. but not good enough to respect.
All of this because I set boundaries and don’t jump anymore when she says to. This is her payback for standing my ground! Sweet momma to my brothers and who cares if I have a nervous break down or drop dead from a stroke or heart attack!
I am furious right now. So sick of this crap! Old people can be so selfish! But it’s not just age. She has always been a sexist person who thought the only daughter should do everything for her while her sons are treated like kings! What gives? Someone tell me to get off this merry go round before I totally crack up!
Please talk to his and your doctor about this, get him evaluated to find out if he is in the
first stages of Alzheimers or dementia and find out what your options are. Help is out there but you need to get this evaluation and assemble a team who can help you face whatever is ahead. Good luck. I have been down this road for the past 11 years until my husband died 17 months ago.
I was talking to my own dr one time and he asked how I was...gave him a little insight as to my mom being so possessive of my time, constantly calling if I run to the store and asking if I'm alright. He said of course she is that way - you are the life preserver that is preserving her ability to stay afloat..in her house...without major changes. He had no idea how much insight he gave to me. Obvious, of course, but until someone says it to you, you may not get it.
The relationship has changed - reversed - and it would go back to what it was before. You just have to remind yourself of the mom you used to have.
As for her loud, abrasive nature - talk to her as close to the time it happens as you can --- while the comments are still very fresh in her mine. Calmly tell her she never said things like that before and it's hurtful to others. If there really is some mental/dementia thing going on, this conversation may not even work, but worth a try. You might even check on some of her meds. There are two that drastically change my mother's personality (kind of mean, snapping remarks). One is gabapentin and the other is tramadol. Horrible meds for her. You might also check for UTI if you see sudden personality change.
My mother and I are basically just on speaking terms. And it's really her fault, b/c she has always been so self centered. Who was it said 'house devil, street angel?" Wow--does that apply.
Just the natural growth up and apart from our parents is far better than having a daily 'need' to talk to or see a parent. (I'm talking about a parent who isn't requiring daily physical, emotional assistance. Just a mom being a mom.) I may go a week between talks with my son--but that's my SON. My daughters , I hear from every week, even if it's just a quick text or visit. I hope to keep space in my togetherness with them. And I have cancer right now and am undergoing chemo, feel lousy all the time and might like to hear from them more often...but the constant reminder that my own relationship with my mother is awful...I tend to withdraw a little and not ask them for anything. Support as they raise the kids (and when their kids were small, I was tending for them every week!) and helping when wanted. Close as we want but not closer. It's a fine line!
My BFF had the loveliest mother. Just--wonderful, Guileless and sweet and loving. When she passed, even tho she hadn't been an active part of my life for years, I mourned her passing. She was a BIG part of my growing up years--for the good.
I have 100% control over whether I do or don't see mother. And I don't. I'm self protecting and I have no plans to see her until (maybe) Christmas and that will e a drop by visit, and I won't even go in her house if I am still immunocompromised.
I don't have wonderful. loving memories of life with my mom. It's so sad, but I daresay, there's a lot of us out there.
So I would say yes, my relationship with mother has changed. I'm stronger and say "no" a lot and don't put up with ANY of her crap.
In a way, it did prepare me for how my mother (his daughter) is behaving now. She and I butted heads occasionally to begin with and now it is 10 times worse with our role reversal. She was always a bit self centered and that is very much magnified these days. She used to be generous and helpful to others and is now paranoid - accusing everyone of stealing from her and hoarding things like reading glasses and pens. I don't like who she has become and she wouldn't either if she realized it. I can only pray that my body or heart will give out before my mind does. I don't want to live like that.
I will tell you, I have joined a caregiver support group and it helps so much to have a group that can relate to everything you are going thru.
through same with my Mom. I adored her, single
Mom, good mother but always bossy, could be hateful
and so critical. It got a lot worse the older she got.
I put up with it for to many years. Always trying to
please her. Bought her new microwave once, next
time I went home, it was in the basement. The power
went out & to much trouble to read instructions to
reset the clock!!! I just grew so very tired of this, begin
not to even like her anymore. I realized what a narcissist,
controlling woman she was. Sweet as honey out in
public but OH God, at home, in car, in restaurants she
was a nightmare, embarrassed me constantly and
then the love slowly begin to die (SAD). She died 4
years ago & I really do not miss her or grief! That makes
me so very sad!
Yes, Parents Become Less Cool when they get Older and We? More Bolder....xx
I agree it absolutely warrants having her fully checked out since this is such a major change for her not just magnified normal behavior but generally speaking even if they are able to reverse some of it for now there is going to come a time when you will need to change your approach and way of thinking about her behavior because she wont have enough awareness or control over her behavior to expect her to change. Maybe if you imagine to yourself, this is what was really going through her mind years ago, imagine how Dad would have reacted if she had said this then? Or maybe consider how much self control she exercised all those years if this is her natural, raw, reaction and what a loving thing it was to refrain. Either way the person she is exhibiting now doesn't change the person you grew up with, don't let this current behavior win out as being the way you relate to her and remember her because you do yourself a disservice if you do and that would be a shame.
Good luck!
She has extraordinary talent but was a lousy teacher. She had no patience to teach me anything. I had to take lessons from others.
I was the excellent teacher that taught so many. She missed out on the joy that comes from teaching because of her irrational perfectionism.
Being a perfectionist with me is one thing but my daughter went through anorexia because my mom is so obsessive about everything. None of us are large women. My mother constantly criticized larger people. It made me crazy because my kid started starving herself, throwing up in the bathroom to remain a size 0 so she wouldn’t hear criticism from grandma. The pediatrician told my daughter that if she didn’t gain a few pounds she would put her in the hospital and place a feeding tube in her. I took my daughter for counseling to counteract what grandma told her. I was in that sandwich generation for awhile. My kids have been out of the house for awhile but it was tough raising them with her living here too.
I told my mom to shut up about people’s weight! All about image for her. She’s almost 94 and dresses up to go to the doctor, hair and make up done perfectly. Mom’s doctor keeps telling her to gain a little weight. She takes that as a complement. She’s so ridiculous. It’s fine to want to look nice but do not put others down. That drives me crazy!
Mom has become negative. She chronically complains and constantly worries. It wears me out!
When she was younger and active she was happier. Misery loves company but I don’t want to be miserable with her. So my latest thing is walking away, going to my bedroom and closing the door! I hate feeling like a prisoner but it’s better than listening to her nag.
My mom mom loves to make me feel guilty if I enjoy myself even just watching an old movie on television.
Why make someone feel guilty? It’s just sad. Really is. They no longer have a quality life and you know what they say, ‘Misery loves company.’
I started leaving the room when mom starts her foolishness. I go to my bedroom and close the door. I definitely have passed my threshold of pain and exhaustion from chronic complaints and worrying. So I walk out. No point of long winded discussions with her. That only gives her an opportunity to argue.