I’m 43 yes old and have been dealing with a mother who, since my late teens, has had anxiety and depression disorders. She has seen a therapist in the past but “they can’t help her and she doesn’t need it.” She always has something wrong with her. She goes to the Dr. in hopes for a magic pill or test that will fix her . She is not proactive in her health in other ways such as exercise, healthy eating and general well being. I’ve tried to give advice and accompany her to things to no avail. It has effected our relationship leading to anger and disappointment. I constantly feel guilt for trying to set mild boundaries when I’d like to set bigger ones. I’m looking for guidance. If anyone has experienced this personally, books etc.
PS: I have gone to therapy several times, but I feel I need someone who can actually relate. Also, I have a very supportive husband who I would like to give a break from my mom rants!😂
Thanks for reading, thanks for listening.
Take care.
Not everything can be fixed. And although it seems that she expects it, your mother's happiness is NOT YOUR JOB.
I have to recommend a book. "Never Simple" by Liz Scheier.
Stop suggesting things to your mom. Take a call from her once a week and listen. Ask "what do you plan to do about that?". Don't offer advice.
Go live your life.
If M lives with you, think again. You are 43, do you want the next decades and decades of it? If not get her out of your house.
If she doesn’t live with you, try the line “Mom, I’ll come back when you are feeling more cheerful”, and walk out. If she phones, it’s “Mom, I’ll phone again when you are feeling more cheerful” and put the phone down.
You want M to change. It won’t happen – this is a long term pattern. Your only workable option is to change yourself – stop putting up with it. The sooner you get there, the better things will be for everyone involved.
Did no therapist explain to you that guilt is a sort of hubris that suggests that you are both responsible for your mother's problems, and that you can fix them?
Do you believe that you are the cause of Mom's problems?
Do you believe that you can fix them?
I believe you should concentrate not on "guilt" but on the "other" G-word, because words truly matter. I believe that what you are feeling is grief about something you must witness all the while being forced to accept that you cannot fix it.
Grief that you are human.
Grief that you have limitations.
Grief that there is no magic wand you can wave at or for your mom.
I suspect that BOTH your mom AND you (and likely your husband as well) are now caught in a stir of "anger and resentment" as you say. It is time to let that go; anger is almost always a manifestation of helplessness and despair. Allow yourself to mourn that you will NEVER have the mom you wanted and needed, and that you are not trained or able to be her therapist, to fix her.
The ultimate truth that she may not be "fixable". This may be it. And if so it is worth mourning, but it is not worth letting destruction occur through it in your own life, and in your own relationships. You have a choice whether to throw yourself on the funeral pyre, or to move on with a good life.
I am so sorry. This is something we often see on Forum, and on some level children, well into middle age, are still suffering from having been groomed to feel responsible for everything. You would be amazed how common this scenario is, how little it differes.
It takes great strength to move out of habitual ways of thinking, of talking, of being. What story can you tell your husband, your friends, your therapist that is in any way new? What story can you tell them that can be fixed?
Sometimes the only way OUT of things is moving through and beyond them. Stop running. Look at the situation honestly for what it is. Embrace it. Mourn it. And move on.
I surely do wish you the best. This is just so hard. But it is such a waste of your life. My heart goes out to you, but you do not, I believe, want to visit the same old situations in rerun for too many more years.
I have a friend who is struggling with this same issue. My friend owns a condo with two adjoining units. She rents one of the units out to her mom.
Her mother is definitely mentally unstable. I hate to say it but I try to dodge her every time I go to visit my friend.
She will go on and on about how doctors don’t know what they are talking about and therapists can’t change her circumstances so what good are they, yada, yada, yada.
I now have a standing answer that I tell her if I do see her. I say that I am not a psychiatrist and therefore; I cannot be of any help to her.
I tell her that she needs to go to a licensed psychiatrist and get proper treatment such as medication and therapy sessions.
Do not allow your mom to use you as a ‘stand in’ therapist. You are her daughter and shouldn’t be treated as her therapist.
My friend has started telling her mom that she cannot give her the help that she needs.
I doubt that her mom will step up to the plate and go see a psychiatrist but at least my friend has stopped allowing her mom to use her as a therapist.
Tell yourself that, too -- frequently.
"Sorry to hear that Mom."
"What are you doing about that?"
*leave silence*
Don't suggest. Don't encourage. Don't push.
Just leave space & see what happens.
When I did that, eventually there was a "well I suppose I'll just have to live with it" or "It's not so bad".
Sometimes it was just a little grumble. A vent. Playing a little 'woe is me'.
And there I was leaping in to play 'the fixer'. As I was trained to do. To take on family member's responsibility.
Now I bounce those balls back over the net to sender. Your issue - you take action if you wish to.
🏓