My father just passed away. My mother is clinging to me. I know this is normal in grief, but I can't handle it for very long. My mother is undiagnosed BPD, she abused me emotionally as a child, and I have been her emtional "punching bag" for 51 years. It may sound selfish, but I WANT MY OWN LIFE. I can give her a couple more weeks of every day visits, but how do I wean her off me? Sorry if this sounds insensitive...maybe I can hang in there for my dad's sake. But in truth, I'm scared to death of the future now.
BTW, I'm sorry for your loss, don't forget to be kind to yourself too
It's in no way selfish to want your own life. You might have put up with being a "punching bag" for 51 years, it doesn't mean you have to continue in that role for another 51 years!
As far as hanging in for "dad's sake" - oh, honey. If you believe in an afterlife, then believe your dad is in such a wonderful place that all Earthly cares fall away. If you don't believe, then your dad is beyond caring what happens anymore (sorry if that sounds harsh, I can't really thing of a proper euphemistic way of putting it).
Sometimes, the death of a family member is a perfect time to begin what will be a new normal. In your case, start setting some boundaries. I think you might have to rethink your couple more weeks of visiting every day. Start weaning her down. Maybe 5 visits this week, 3 the next, and so on. If you get her used to your being there every day, the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to cut the rope, so to speak. And while visiting, if she begins to abuse you, cut the visit short..."mom, I understand you're grieving and angry, but I will not allow you to take your anger out on me any longer. I'll see you _________."
You have every right to defend yourself against her manipulations.
Good luck!
Maybe you can get her connected with a Grief Support Group via Zoom, so she can share with others going through the same thing. And if she has any nice neighbors or friends, maybe you can ask them to just check on her periodically to give you a break.
It's time to set some healthy boundaries with mom, which it sounds like you never have up to this point. It's never too late. Wishing you the best.
Again. You are going to be fine. You already know what you have to do. That is to do the best you are able for the sake of your Dad and in his memory to provide what support you can to a Mom who was not there for YOU in any real way. Out of mercy. And to determine that you have made your own life and you will continue to live it.
I can wish you the best, but I truly believe to my soul that "you got this".
Stick around and update us as you go. There will be moments of grief when you see the real nature of what your Mom was. A sad creature with her own limitations, who sadly could not provide as a Mom must. You will be able to forgive her, to grieve that you don't have TWO LIVES so you could give one away, and to have some inner peace with some moments of grief and forgiveness.
Take good care. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad who it seems you truly saw some love from. Again, hope you will stick around and share your life experience on the forum.
I was fortunate in that when my father passed away 5 years ago, both of my folks were living in a beautiful ALF, so my very needy, very clingy, very un-independent mother was able to entertain herself with the other residents about a week after her 'grieving' was finished. Otherwise, she'd have been dependent upon ME for 100% of her daily entertainment, and I'd have needed a game plan of my OWN to follow!
Start to cut down your daily visits by 1 or 2 hours a day starting NOW, and by another hour every day until you stop the daily visits entirely. Your mother will need to develop a routine of her own now that he's gone, and she wont' be able to do that with you around all the time.
Wishing you the very best of luck with a difficult situation.
I was the oldest and a girl. I lived in the same town so I had always done for my parents. But always if and when I could unless an emergency. So boundries came easy and Mom was not demanding.
Start backing away. Like said 5 days this week, 4 days the next week. Explain to Mom you cannot be her everything. You have a life of your own. That you will not be at her beck and call. You cannot be Dad. Do not allow any abuse. When she gets started, hang the phone up, walk out the door. You can be there for her if you want that but on your terms not hers. Boundries now or it will be so hard to set them later. Also, make her understand that you will not be her Caregiver. Just won't work with ur history.
My mom and dad were married well over 50 years and adored each other. I never once saw my dad leave the house without kissing my mom goodbye. Each time he came back home he kissed my mom.
I thought that mom would have a very hard time adjusting to life without my dad but she surprised me. She didn’t excessively impose on me more than needed and I appreciated that because I am married and was busy raising two daughters.
I called often. She had already stopped driving due to her Parkinson’s disease so I already drove her to doctor appointments, did her shopping and other errands.
I would let her know what days that I was available to provide what she needed.
When I asked my mom if she wanted to move in with us after my father died, she said no. I respected her decision and continued to do the things that she needed on my schedule.
You have the upper hand in this matter and it looks like you are handling it just fine.
You already know what you want. I wish I had known. I thought that I was completely responsible for mom because I promised my father that I would take care of mom so years later after she lost her home in Hurricane Katrina I asked her again to move in with us.
This time her answer was that she was too old to rebuild her home so she agreed. I wish that I could have found an assisted living facility for her. She didn’t have the funds for that. She was traumatized as everyone in New Orleans was after the devastation from Katrina which was no ordinary storm. It was a violent hurricane and the flooding was severe due to the levees breaking. Mom had nine feet of water in her home. She had no flood insurance because it wasn’t required. The only reason her home flooded was because the levee broke.
She had nothing left but the few clothes that she packed for our evacuation to Houston.
It’s a whole new ball game having a parent live in your home. You are sharing your private space, plus your family. It’s a challenge to be sure. She continued to live with us for 15 years and it didn’t get easier. It became harder as the years went by.
Since mom is no longer in my home but still cared for with hospice I fully realize it was a mistake to have her live with us. I love her but like you I have had my difficult times with my mom. It doesn’t serve anyone well in those circumstances.
Don’t second guess yourself. You sound as if you know your limitations of what you desire to give and receive in your relationship with her. Honor your feelings and the two of you will benefit from your decision.
Take care.
If your mother was abusive, why didn’t your supposedly better parent of a father stop your mother from making you an emotional punching bag? You say she is undiagnosed BPD. Why didn’t your father demand that she seek treatment? If your father was passive and also a punching bag, perhaps this explains it but it doesn’t explain why he didn’t step up and effectively protect or aggressively defend you these last 51 years. You need to start rethinking the role both of your parents played in your abuse, and now that he is gone, you will do it anyway.
After about a year, a frank discussion about your mother’s mental health issues and her abusive treatment is in order. There are drugs that can really help with BPD if she actually has it and you should demand that she seek treatment as a condition of any continuing relationship. Start changing the way you react to her abuse immediately. Confront the behavior as it happens and tell her in no uncertain terms that her way of attacking you is finished. All child abusers share one trait in common...infantile ego development. This trait will not change but you can start giving her a taste of her own medicine after the grieving period is over. Like all bullies, confronting them and treating them to an immediate checkmate will, if nothing else, intimidate her into being nicer to you. As it happens, you’ll find that parents who bully their children are much more easily intimated than you might imagine, especially when they are vulnerable. Tell her how you feel about how she has treated you and perhaps your dad. She’s dependent on you now. You can change the dynamic if you want to, finally live your on your own terms, and make it clear that you will help her find assisted living resources when the time comes, but she is never going to live with you or drag you down ever again. Yes, this is work and will require you to change too. Your mother knows she was an abusive parent and if she denies it, be ready with a lifetime of examples to illustrate it.
Then tell her it’s time to start planning the next step now before she is too infirm to make her own plans. My guess is that you’ll find that putting your relationship on an honest equal footing will clear away years of emotional debris and you both may end up liking each other better for it.
You may start weaning your mom from you by hiring a part time sitter. I know nothing about her age or needs but this has been a lifesaver with my mom.
Understandably, you are back to square 1 because of your father's death. (Just curious, when you were no contact with her, how did you maintain contact with your dad? Was he in a facility?)
Are you an only child? Is there other family? You don't have to be the one to provide her support. The longer you let it go on, the harder it will be. Maybe your therapist can help you set up a very quick weaning schedule?
Please consider seeing a therapist. You need to process the past and be able to find ways to cope with the present. Your mom will probably never change, but you don't have to feel like a captive in this relationship.
Start taking her to meetings of other Seniors that have lost their spouse.
Does your mother have any identifiable care or support needs? This is a separate question from the question of what part you are prepared to play in meeting them.
Yes that’s something everyone deals with.
I did the same for my dad when my mom passed after a long illness.
I knew that he was the primary caretaker during her illness. He wouldn’t let me help other than visiting and very light duties.
When my mom passed I recommended grief counseling for him because he was never easy to talk to about loss and he would lash out at me who was also grieving.
He never considered that I lost a parent too.
I ended up pulling away because it was doing him nor I any good to argue. We both needed time to heal.
My dad had no other activities other than my mom. As time went on he was forced to socialize more and he even took guitar lessons.
He was always included in our family gatherings with my son and daughter . I worked all the years after my moms death and that created boundaries. My dad was emotionally needy but didn’t appreciate what I was doing for him.
It is what is is You do what you can and that’s all you can do. You have your own responsibilities and your own life to live.
I’m 63 now and I understand that my children have their own lives to live. I see them when it’s good for all of us but I’m not emotionally needy.
I stay busy on my own with my work and personal life.
Good luck
Set some boundaries early on so your mom knows what to expect.
And then set it up as a recurring diary note on your phone - every other day to begin with, then every third day. (After a while, you'll get lazy and stop reading it, but force yourself to take a moment and read it all.) You'll find that you really believe it, and it will help you be matter-of-fact about enforcing your boundaries with your mum.
l got a good takeaway from a counsellor that might be good for you too:
"You can't make anyone who you needed them to be."
i believe i was brought back from a death grip its because i can say this " i been there done that" death has not age restriction or any other restriction you afraid
of you moms dying you don't think it could be you dying first ? what then just take care of her & make shore there is another person that you would think would take care of her just the same anyways is not about dying but is about living life everyday as if was the last day on earth i could say this since i lost my dear Brother recently to this pandemic do not abandon you relatives expect stranger to take care of business
even recovering my bros Body was an agenda ,,,
Families got to stick together from beginning to end
no fear no love,,,