This is not so much a care question. Looking for help from those who may have navigated a similar time in life. I'm an only child. My parents and I were always really close and in my adult years we became best friends. My dad recently passed and now mom, 91, is living alone at home....her choice...and my husband and who have no kids are her sole caregivers. My question is about navigating the holidays for the first time without someone when family is already tiny. I was tempted to just skip it all this year, but I know dad would not want me to do that and my husband has an elderly aunt that always comes. Looking for ideas that might make it easier, like changing something. I so dread sitting down to a dinner at the dining room table and dad not being there. Not sure I could get through without losing it. I know this may sound trivial. Just looking for other experience. Thanks.
Do what you can in your grief. But, spend time together with your mom. Create memories you will have of her.
People do live in our hearts forever.
Stay strong.
It’s important to realize our physical and emotional limitations.
Eat out for a change, if you like.
However, I think it's very important not to try to stuff down the feelings of grief but to openly acknowledge them for what they are. Instead of focusing though on how much that person is missed, you can talk about the good times that you all shared together in the past. I'm considering doing something special with the family such as everyone writing a love note to our loved one, after dinner or before dinner, and tying them to a balloon and setting it free. And then saying a short prayer or expression of love. This provides some sort of comfort, as if the person is still with us somehow and we are acknowledging their importance to us. I think this physical gesture will make us feel less helpless about the situation, and help us focus on the positive instead of the negative . If we break down with emotion, that's normal and cathartic and it's actually to be expected. Still showing that love is what will help get us through it.
Of course everyone is different and has to do what's best for them. Sending love and positive vibes to you and your family.
I would try to make it good for your mom. I'm sure it will be a hard day for her as well so maybe concentrate on that. Making it a great day for her. I felt my mom's presence that first Christmas after she passed. For me Christmas with my family has always been stressful so holding thoughts of her inside kind of held me together.
Another option, if you just don't feel like doing all the work is to find out if any local restaurants are open for Thanksgiving. Until this dumb virus hit, we would take my elderly mother-in-law to a nice buffet. That way she didn't have to cook or travel. I'm not sure how we will handle it this year.
I pray that you find peace and strength during the holiday season. People sometimes forget that the holidays aren't always like what we see in TV ads or the movies. They can be stressful, lonely, and difficult.
My own husband died shortly before Thanksgiving, and I was the one who usually did all the cooking (small family--not overwhelming to prep for) and hosted Thanksgiving dinner. That first year I very much wanted to cook and get out the pretty dishes and make a big day of it. We all missed my husband but we shared stories and memories of him and "included him" in our Thanksgiving. Although I did not host anything for Christmas, I got very involved in decorating and in putting special ornaments that were meaningful to and of my husband on my small tree. I loved doing it even though it made me very sad and I sat there several evenings hanging ornaments and crying and remembering and then I enjoyed the colors and the lights through the holidays. At my brother's brunch as at any family gatherings, when my husband's name comes up, he is a comfortable part of the conversation..
The second year I felt like doing nothing for either holiday other than going to my bother's for brunch. I celebrate or decorate or not each year as the mood strikes me. My interest in celebrating the holiday seems to alternate from one year to the next. This year will probably not involve much getting together b/c of COVID.
Through the years my sisters and I have continued to make changes as we have grown older and our families have grown larger. When my Mom, now 96 passes we will undoubtedly make more changes.
You many not be able to make the number of changes we did, but you can at least switch-up the menu in some important way (roast beef instead of turkey or a new first course), and maybe change the decor a bit so that more focus will go toward the new star on the tree or the new centerpiece. You can also play a cheery playlist on the stereo so the inevitable silences are not silent.
celebrate safely in this pandemic. Don't forget your husbands elderly Aunt even if all you can do is leave a package at her door.
However, we did have Thanksgiving dinner -- sort of -- and my son's girlfriend's mother hosted Xmas just to take the load off me. No, they weren't happy holidays, but we didn't not talk about Dad. We made sure he was in our hearts if not with us in person, and he always will be.
You'll get through them it, but don't just ignore them. These milestone events -- first Christmas without him, first birthday without him, etc. -- are part of the grieving process. We did them all in the first month after Dad died, but it is what it is and we survived.
Those who stick with tradition may serve the same meal at the same table with the same people, the home is decorated the same way. I think for these families it is that much harder when death, marriage, divorce, or illness forces a change. I am not saying sticking to a tradition is wrong, but it can make a change much harder.
Families who switch up the holidays each year, different food, different locations, different people etc, will still feel the loss, but the empty chair where Dad sat, or Mum's yams will not be as obvious in its absence.
So what do you do? It is far more challenging during Covid. Years ago during a time of financial hardship, I sat my two young teens down and made a list of all our traditional Christmas activities and meals. I told them they had to agree on one meal of the three special ones we usually had over the season and one activity. I also told them my strict budget for their gifts. I was amazed how quickly they made their choices.
Perhaps you can look at all the meals, and activities you traditionally have done and give some thought to the ones that are the most meaningful to you. Keep those ones and let the rest go this year.
Oh and my kids? The meal they chose was Christmas Brunch, not Christmas dinner. Wow did that make life easier. Much of the brunch I made can be made ahead. We had heated up frozen appies later in the day. And the one activity was not the trip to see Butchart Gardens beautifully decorated for Christmas, but The Annual Christmas Tree Hunt. We have gone to the same tree farm for decades and that afternoon held more meaning for the kids.
Now 10 years later we have reinstated the Christmas Eve Fondue Party. It is for friends and is not a formal event. People come and go. I am not sure how I will manage it this year during Covid, but we will see.
At this point I need to figure out Christmas. I don't want dad to be alone, bringing him to our house isn't an option nor would I want to park him in a hotel room alone, and those kids that moved away with their families may come here (stay in a hotel, not "here here") as they have for the last six years.
Life changes always make the traditions look different and can lead to new traditions. It is bittersweet.