Help! My dad is 87 and lives alone in a single family house 500 miles away and I'm sure he has dementia.

Barbar92, what you are going through is pretty much the similar journey that most grown children go through when a parent has dementia. Now seems to be the time to use "therapeutic fibs" with your Dad. If he said you took his tax returns, just tell him yes you did so that an accountant can review them [yes, this is a fib, but it usually stops an argument in its tracks].

Here is a good article regarding dementia and misunderstandings: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

Ok. Long distance caregiving for someone who probably has dementia/Alzheimer’s isn’t going to work. Weekly phone calls and once-in-a-while visits whenever you can won’t work either.

Do YOU have a relationship with your sister? Because she is his daughter and part of the family. If he has any property or funds, she will be part of his will. The two of you need to sit down and discuss what to do. Dad is obviously on a downslide. If it is dementia, it will get worse. And, if it’s a Urinary Tract Infection and it goes untreated it will also get worse. Dad is not himself, for whatever reason and things cannot go on like this. His paranoid behavior will soon include everyone, not just you.

It’s very hard to accept the fact that you may now have to become the parent. It will be a battle. You won’t be able to reason with Dad. People who suffer from dementia can’t reason things out. As has been said here, their brains are “broken”. They will yell and argue for hours about some inconsequential thing and then be sweet as pie.

Make a decision about what you can and will do. First, Dad needs to see a doctor. Who will take him? Second, Dad needs caregiving if he lives alone. Can and will you research and arrange for it long distance? Third, are you willing to uproot your life by either moving closer or moving HIM closer? If you feel you need to step in and take over, this is not something that you can do once a week for a few hours. It’s a lot of work and he won’t be cooperative. You can contact his local Agency for Aging in his county of residence and ask for help from them. Good luck and keep us updated. We’ve been there.

Thanks so much freqflyer. Ugh, I really messed up because I kept arguing with him that I wasn't there 2 weeks ago and am not on narcotics. I was literally shaking after the conversation. I always thought he thought that I was on 'his side'. I have no idea how he's going to react when I'm there next week. Last time I was there in December, he pulled out his pocket knife and took the blade out and was holding it pointing it at me. I told him he was scaring me. I also noticed he hasn't bathed in a while, the tub hadn't been used in a long time and he isn't washing his clothes. He's still driving too. All of this scares me so bad. He won't go to the doctor at all. Might be time for me to look into conservatorship I guess???

You might also consider asking his local police department for a "wellness check".

Call his local town police NON-emergency number and tell them that your dad lives alone and seems not to be himself; you are worried about his health.

If this is not under the jurisdiction of the police in his municipality, ask who you call call for a wellness check. It may be APS or the local Area Agency on Aging.

Are you in touch with your father's doctor? You might consider calling his office and telling them about is sudden onset of confusion and ask them what they recommend.

Thanks so much Ahmijoy. My sister is disabled and is not in a position to help at all. Yes, we have discussed it but she will not do anything. It's on me. Urinary tract infection?? can cause dementia? Yes, he's been paranoid for a while, but it has been against my sister, NEVER until today against me. I have been trying for a year to get him to move to the Armed Forces Retirement Home in Washington D.C., where I live. I have made several trips to get all of his medical paperwork ready. The last piece is the tax returns/ financial info. It looks like I may not get them. He does not trust ANYBODY coming into the house, including caregivers, as they all steal. The last time a caregiver came to the house was to apply wound care to my mother 3-4 years ago, when she was bedridden and hurt her leg when he was trying to get her up to go to the bathroom. That time, he actually slapped the caregiver. The company called adult protective services and could have pressed charges but nothing was done. Let me look into the Agency for Aging. Thank you so much. I'm so scared.

Thank you BarbBrooklyn, great advice, although he refuses to go to the dr. I do know them though. I will call and ask for their advice too. Thanks so much. Another thing, ugh, when I was there after my Mom died, I ended up calling the police because my father was out in the yard yelling and I was scared. The police ended up asking me and my daughter to leave because it was his house. Thanks for the tips, I don't know what he would do if police came to the door.... but it might come to that.....

Ahmijoy, what can I do if he refuses to go to the dr?

Urinary Tract Infections don't cause dementia, but they can cause psychiatric symptoms in the elderly. So when there is a sudden change in mental status, it's the first thing we thing of.

Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like it's a surmise on your part, and probably a good one. Dementia patients shouldn't live alone past the earliest stages and it sounds as though dad may have passed that point.

Dad doesn't have weapons in his house, does he? If he does, please talk to the police /APS/AAA (whomever you call) about that fact.

Just to prepare you, if your dad is a danger to himself or others, they may take him to a psychiatric facility for an involuntary evaluation, which can be a good thing. Meds can be prescribed which won't reverse his dementia, but may allow him to be calmer and less paranoid (I don't mean drugged; I mean calm and alert).

Are you in contact with any of his neighbors? Is there any way that you can get on a plane tomorrow and go be the "boots on the ground" to see what is happening?

Thank you so much Barb. Wow, I had no idea about the urinary tract infection linkage. He did say a while back that he had some swelling in his leg, but it's not painful. But he hasn't mentioned anything about pain when going to the bathroom or anything like that. He doesn't trust the neighbors, his yard is all overgrown and he refuses to let me or anyone else mow the grass or clip the hedges, etc. I don't know the neighbors as I have not lived there in many years. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have guns but I know he carries that pocket knife which scared me the last time I was there. I could be there tomorrow but don't have a lot of means and already have my plane ticket for next Saturday. I am going to email my sister (she can't talk on the phone) to let her know what is going on. At this point I think we are both scared. My daughter is scared for me too. She is at my house today and when the conversation with my dad got scary I asked her to record it. Thank you so much. Great (and hard) advice. But sounds like what I need. No, he has not been medically diagnosed with dementia yet. But he will not go to dr.

UTIs in elders are often symptom-less (except for the behavior). I don't think anyone knows why.

((((((hugs))))))))). We're here with you. Let us know how this is going; we LEARN from each other here, and we care!

Thank you so much Barb. I am crying/ smiling. I really appreciate your care and thoughtfulness and advice......... I'll keep you posted.......

Dear, everything I know about eldercare, I learned here! Starting out with the whole UTI thing.

Stick around; there are good, nonjudgmental people here and there is usually someone awake to give advice around the clock.

UTIs in men are very serious.

Good luck to you. This can and probably will be a long, arduous and emotionally trying period for you. Just do the best you can. It’s really hard to take when some one you love changes so much it’s hard to recognize the person anymore, as b/o dementia they indeed are not the same person as their brain is broken.
My mother said some absolutely terrible things to me in the last years of her life. Surprised the crap out of me in the beginning and you have to steel yourself to not react or go overboard when they say totally off the wall stuff.
Yes an UTI can cause mental status changes. As it sounds that your dad is a Vet, try to connect with his local VFW or American Legion to assess any benefits he may have locally to check in on him- maybe Aide & Attendance, which he may qualify for.
It’s so hard to manage elderly parents from far away. It would be great if he could be moved to the AF long term care center.

Barb, I’ve been re-reading your posts. I wish I had a magic answer for you. My mom was delusional and had hallucinations too. It’s so hard not to be emotional and stressed when this happens to our parents. It’s ok to let go. But then we have to put our emotions aside and make informed decisions about how to help them even if they don’t want our help. This site is a great place to learn about the initial diagnoses and subsequent stages of dementia. Once you know what to expect, it’s a lot less scary and easier to make positive changes for your loved one.

I think youre becoming aware that Dad cannot continue to live on his own. We often suggest that people who post here should call Adult Protective Services when they have an uncooperative loved one who’s also delusional. They need to go out and assess Dad. I don’t remember if you said Dad has weapons, but if there is even a chance he does, they need to know this for their protection. They have the training to deal with uncooperative people, and the resources to get them help. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Thank you so much Ahmijoy and Shane. I am still shocked and hurt from the call yesterday. I will definitely take your advice on contacting Adult Protective Services. I had already purchased my plane ticket and am leaving this Saturday to try to help him with the taxes, which we have been planning on for several weeks now. I am scared though to go to his home by myself. I will call him when I get into town and see how he acts. He did tell me not to come, so I'm worried about that...... More to come...

Fly home ASAP. I wasn’t checking on my dad daily although we did speak on the phone most every day. My dad wasn’t eating right. He wasn’t using his stove, so if he couldn’t microwave it he bought take-out or ready to eat meals. This all happened since Christmas. Please don’t delay. Once the dementia hits, it’s hard and fast.

I did not see signs of dementia but several people told me yu might let the local police know and maybe his physican cus I didn't ever see my mother gonna call the police on me and I didn't do anything at all but I still set handcuffed til they got medical back from the emergency room so I know your dad didn't call the police but since ur doing nothing but trying to help him.... Would he let a nurse or like home health of any kind help

After dealing with this in my dad for the past several years and also reading posts on this site: don't uproot your life to take care of this. Do what you can, within reason. Some people will tell you to move in with him, or have him move in with you. Don't. Your life as you know it will be gone for an unspecified amount of time - likely longer than you imagine. Don't let people guilt you into giving up your life for his care. Get him someplace safe like an ALF or nursing home.

Wow, this is exactly what happened with my 85 year old mother who lives 75 miles away! I knew she was needing help in the house and got in-home care scheduled in late December -- she was mostly ok with that. For the last 2 years I have talked to my mother twice a week (often repetitive conversation) and ordered groceries for her to be delivered. On January 11 she and I had a normal conversation, on January 15 her (undiagnosed) dementia spiraled downward -- I was suddenly a "prostitute and drug dealer" and was "trying to steal her money"... and she wouldn't let me in the house. Thankfully, the in-home care was allowed into the house and kept an eye on her. Eventually and quickly, they reported that she wasn't able to function very well. Your father may become paranoid and start calling the police -- which is what my mother did, and he may forbid you from visiting and he may not answer the phone. Since you are miles away, I would call Adult Protective Services and do a well-check. He will have to go to a memory care facility, count on it. I would start working toward that end. It's better if you have this in-place, rather than wait until the last minute. APS can help you get him diagnosed and then moved into a facility -- you can (should be able to) stay in the background, which is what I did. It will be several weeks of tension and emotional exhaustion, but if you are proactive NOW, it will save you in the end. Understand that there is no way your father will be able to continue to live alone -- you will either have to get him 24/7 care or put him in a memory care facility. Your father has hung on as long as he could...now he needs to be somewhere safe to move on to the next part of his life.

Barbar92 so sorry to hear you are going through this and being at a distance feeling so helpless. In addition to what everyone else suggested if Dad is unreasonable or unruly when you arrive you can also call 911 to have the ambulance get him to the hospital they should be able to recognize his problems and behavior, test for an infection, dehydration can another big issue,and have the hospital social worker come in and discuss the next steps with you so this way you're not arguing or pleading for him to get to a doctor or go see someone. The hospital may not be able to keep him very long but can get him transferred to a facility for further evaluation as mentioned above with you insisting that he is not safe at home and you are not local nor able to take care of him in his home.... advice I got on this site a few weeks ago that though difficult is an option. It's hard not to defer to what our parents and they want and not be worried about how they will be angry at us or angry at a situation you have put them in. Also, it doesn't mean that once you do this everything will be okay , it's just a first step that you will have to work through piece by piece.

Hi, I recently moved my 75 year old dad. He was only 45 minutes away, but after many trips to help him turn on the tv or the air conditioner, and then realizing that he may not be lying about certain things - that he was definitely confused and not knowing what was going on, we decided to move him closer to us. He is now 10 minutes away, my name is on his bank account and I give him an "allowance" as he was taking large sums of money out of the bank and not knowing what he did with it, or buying the same item over and over again. He does still drive - as long as he is familiar with the area, he does fine and knows exactly where he is. But to be safe, we just bought a tracker LIVE VIEW GPS which tells us exactly where he is, and where he has been - in case he were to get lost- and this works great. The senior home that we put my dad into is really nice with a lot of activities. He was excited about all of this until we moved him in and now he pretty much just watches tv alone in his room. But since he is only 10 minutes away now, I am able to visit and check in much more. Barb- you should look into a place that is close to where you live that you can move your dad. And, take away anything that can harm him or that he can use to harm someone else - like the knives. There is medication that they can give your dad that may help. Maybe get a baseline from his doctors that know him before you move him. Don't feel bad - at first I was arguing with my dad as well - I thought he was lying to me because I couldn't see how he couldn't know what he was doing - especially since he kept doing the same thing over and over. Now I go along with certain things unless they are completely ridiculous. For instance, last week my dad found his dad's death certificate - he died in the 1940's. Dad was saying that he was going to H&R Block to have his taxes done. After trying to explain what the document was, I gave up and said that I would take it to H&R Block. I'm sorry that your sister doesn't help. I have two sisters and one of them doesn't help. Just know that your dad needs help and you are doing the right thing to help him. Being argumentative is one of the characteristics of Dementia - don't take it personally. Your dad doesn't mean to yell at you, it is the disease. You are not alone in this.

Barbar 92 so sorry that you are going through this now and dealing with this long-distance. I also understand that you cannot just up and head over there as your plane ticket is for Saturday and sometimes those changes cost more than we can afford. It so scary and frustrating. When you arrive if things are unruly and he's not cooperating you can call 911 and get the ambulance to take him to the hospital they should recognize his behavior, test for a UTI , check for dehydration and the social worker at the hospital should meet with you... you should ask for that right away, and help you transfer him to a facility. They probably will not keep him very long but this may be the only way that you get things moving especially if you are there on the weekend then generally no local offices are staffed and if they cannot move him quickly they will keep him in the hospital until they find a bed for him. It may also mean that you leave him in the hospital and go running around to check out and tour these facilities. Do you already have power of attorney for your dad? If so it may be good to request copies of any of his pension and social security statements now in case his papers are not in order when you get there and you can get a jump on his taxes for the facility you are looking at. I know that they were willing to look at my mom's prior-year taxes and all of her bank account activity for this year to at least get a ball rolling. It is so hard when we feel we should defer to our parents or do as they prefer when they are no longer aware of what is in their best interest and we're so afraid that they're going to be angry. Your dad has already exhibited this erratic behavior so though it is hard you have to push yourself past this. Good luck this weekend.

It is no longer safe for your father to live alone. The time has actually passed for you to "step in" and start taking over things. (Been there, done that, with my own father who lived 500 miles away from me.) As a Psych Nurse, I can say that your father's behavior is all part of dementia. Forget your sister, forget the guilt, ignore your father's paranoia - your father needs care now at this point of his life. As we say in Psych, he is "becoming a danger to himself and others" - so he should not be permitted to live alone. Just step in and DO what needs to be done - for his own safety.

Absolutely time to intervene and see what in the world is going on. Best luck to you

Barb, I know it hurts you to the core to see your Dad like this. But, fact of the matter is, you’ve seen this coming. You said yourself that Dad has been showing signs for years. This doesn’t go away and only gets worse. That’s why it’s important for you to speak to your Dad’s doctor and do as much research as you can on this.

I can predict that the taxes will not go well. Dad will not understand what you’re doing or trying to do. He will see it only as interfering and trying to steal his money. I can see you coming home even more devastated and upset than you already are now. If you can in such a short time, contact the APS in Dad’s city and have them accompany you. Don’t worry about the taxes right now. File for an extension if you need to.

you really need to have him go to psychiatrist so they can get him on the right track also they will tell you what he has & what you have to do he will have to have someone with him ..my mom has it she is in the final stage. everyone is different be glad you only had those problems that you had heck what you said that would be a week worth of odd things they do ..my mom if there was something in the house that was so .i wish i didnt have it was the furnace thermometer .so many times she was to hot or cold id be trying to sleep & i could here the furnace go from heat to air conditioner ..my mom is 82 ..she was diagnosed with it in 2011 about 78 yrs old but she had it longer a real good doctor noticed it & sent her to a psychiatrist then a yr or 2 he said she had it .. if not now he will want to sleep a lot that is where my mom is now but all day & night she has a catheter been there since 2016 ..good thing no worry for a wet bed you or your sister will have to take him in ..or have some one to watch that will be a must ..also what will help will be medicine you need them ask the doctor how they work ..they will be good .so you can control him better when he acts up understand them very well it helps b/c you need to figure out what he needs i did that a lot ..also around 2 pm if her really lose it ..that is when he is in the sundown syndrome google that ..also if so you may have to give him a pill around 1 pm so when 2 comes he is not going to be a problem ..she did that a lot also depending ..pay attention how long does it take him to forget something ?? use that as a tool if he tells you something you do not like ..my mom said i am going to kick you out of the house ..i left took my dog for a walk come back a hour later she forgot what she was pissed about ..also who ever is in charge they need to get him to trust them 100% that will help ..there will be times you will have to get him something to calm him down ..so who ever gets him if you can try to keep a head of him it will make it easier ..so who ever you have to understand that the pills are a big help ..even melatonin is a big help & you can get it at walmart in the vitamin section ..a some of it is purple ..it is a fruit flavor so he can chew that ..so this will not apply to you these are what my mom was on ( namzaric) = no matter what they tell you make sure he get that at nite some dumb docs & nursing homes give it in the day that will not work the brain needs that when it is a wake -when we sleep quetapine = make them sleep & calm down ..a pill for agitation then a pill for anxiety ..so right now you can give him melatonin without a scrip ..you can tell him it is a vitamin if you want the chewable vitamins so well if some spelling is off sorry cannot see some of the stuff so if these seem to be what your father needs ?? YOU NEED TO TAKE HIM TO A DOCTOR PSYCHIATRIST IS THE BEST BET YOU GOT TO ..IF HE DRIVE IF HE GETS CONFUSED HE MIGHT GET LOST & NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND HIM !!!! GO CALL OR TAKE TO PRIMARY DOC OR A HOSPITAL & ASK FOR A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST ..YOU WILL KNOW IT ..IF THE DOCTOR IS VERY THOROUGH YOU GOT A GOOD ONE ALSO MAKE SURE YOU CAN GOOGLE THEM SOMETIME TO SEE THERE BACKGROUND LOOK FOR A GOOD ONE SO good luck

My two cents worth. Your dad must be evaluated...the logical and common explanation is dementia or uti but it could be anything. My dad had a sudden change in his personality/demeanor and it was a brain tumor. Leave it up to the professionals. Also, unless your father has given a signed letter to the doctor or made you his health care proxy and that documentation has been sent, you can't just call the doctor and speak to them. HIPPA prevents that from occurring. Last, start looking for facilities where he will live now. Only question I have is would you be able to place him in one that is closer to you?

Even though my dad never turned on me, we were in a similar situation 5 years ago. Dad's dementia was getting worse and no one was nearby to check on him. We ended up hiring a Geriatric Care Manager to work with him. (Now they're called Aging Life Care professionals.) It was the ideal solution for us.

Our care manager checked in on him weekly and helped him with some of the practical life tasks that were slipping. A care manager is better than home care alone because they are more professional - and by "professional," I mean that they follow up on their observations, they report what they see more proactively, and they help guide the family what to do next. I have found the personal care aids are great, but they don't always have the experience and training to take actions when it is needed (except in an emergency). Personally, I'd rather take action early before there's an emergency!

It's probably going to take a few weeks to get your life situated where you can focus on your father. A care manager hired right away can provide that support until you can take over. Additionally, if you find yourself having to sell a house, do home repairs, liquidate an estate, quickly, your care manager will be a valuable resource for trusted companies to hire.

first he can refuse to go by ambulance, without getting police involved, which, with him having the knife, I'd be calling this week before you go to see what their protocol is re a mental health officer, that can be called so nothing inappropriate is done in the way a regular police officer might handle the situation if he were to pull it on them, but if you've already called the police in a previous situation and they asked you to leave I'm not entirely sure how they would handle the situation; why was he yelling? it might would take him doing that without you there and the neighbors calling the police; with him doing it with you there they might just think you're agitating him, although you might tell them about him pulling the knife but it is his house, then even if he goes to the hospital without you having guardianship he could still possibly leave on his own, even if against medical advice, unless a 72 hr. hold is placed on him, which not sure can be done over a weekend, something else you might want to spend this week checking on, and also, even if he's taken to a psychiatric facility for involuntary evaluation, that still might just mean a regular hospital that has such a facility as part of it, and still might be up to the regular staff to determine that that's what needs to be done to call them in and then it still could be up to them to decide to "try" to admit him; if they ask him - and probably without you - if he feels he's a threat to himself or others and he tells them no they're probably not going to do anything, that is, unless, as I understand, he does have a doctor who's aware of the situation and is willing to tell the hospital to admit him; would that be the case; it wasn't with my dad because I'm assuming, since you've been trying to get him to go to the Armed Forces Retirement home, he must be a veteran, maybe even retired military? so is his doctor military? but you're saying this home is where you live, so it wouldn't be where his doctor would be that you said he won't go to anyway, so is he even going for regular checkups? so is he even actually still in the military health system if he's not? so is he even still eligible to go to this home? have you talked to them? can they pull him up in their system? is there a military facility, even if not a retirement home, where he is? but since you said he's drawing SS, assume he also does have Medicare, so does he - even if he's not going - also have a civilian doctor?