Hello, I am here because I need some advice on how to balance some things and the best way to approach a situation. My husband’s father is very sick. He’s a paraplegic, diabetic, has an infected to the bone bedsore, has a colostomy and urine bag, and now has a bad injury to his foot. He has a home nurse come twice a week and a PT come once a week. He has no source of income. We are recently married and I bought a house (not my husband). We used to live upstairs but have now moved to the house which is only, at most, 10 minutes away from him. However, it seems that after we moved, he has become extremely needy and makes my husband go there nearly everyday to do something that is sometimes of importance but sometimes not. It’s hard on my husband and I because I work days 6:30am - 5:00pm and he works nights 10:00pm - 10:00 am. My husband must then leave work, attend to his father, come home he’s exhausted he can’t help around the house and he sleeps up until it’s the time to leave. As a newlywed couple it’s starting to take a toll on me a bit but I’ve been understanding, patient, and supportive. However, it’s been a bit hard trying to balance it all and I’d like to figure out a way to best deal with it for everyone. We’d also like to have a baby but will need to put that on hold. There is no way we can tend to the father and a baby. In all, I feel that he either needs more home care or needs to go to a nursing home. We are unable to provide the daily services he needs. We are neither doctors nor nurses. I have offered for us to move back to the apartment above him and rent our house but I was told this will make him depressed and will not be a good option. He doesn’t have much money to hire a private nurse or home maker, we work such long hours and both have trouble sleeping. I would help to hire a nurse but my money is now tied up in the house and my husband is still working out the debt from his divorce. We hardly see each other anymore and when we do my husband is cranky or upset. I don’t blame him, he’s tired and has a lot to deal with. It seems we are in a hard place and I’m not entirely sure that his father actually needs this help or is calling out. When we lived above him, there weren’t this many problems. Lately I’ve begun to build a bit of resentment. As much as I try not to, it still comes the more I think of the situation. He lives on the 2nd floor & is a very heavy man. It takes many fire fighters and Reponders to carry him out of the house to the hospital. Most recently he went it he hospital without telling either of us and checked himself out because they weren’t giving him pain meds. This has happened before. I feel bad for the responders who have to carry him and put their lives at risk for nothing in the end. It’s very dangerous for him. I suggested he move to our new home and I will turn my first floor living room and dining room into his living area. It would be on the first floor and he can come and go with a ramp and his wheelchair and even go in our backyard but he refused. Also, he once took too much medicine and he was taken to the hospital. After, he had a mandatory meeting at pain management. He text us every day for 2 weeks and made sure he was ready and able to go to that meeting. However, he doesn’t call or text about more important things (like his now injured and blackening foot)and refuses to go to the doctor. He’s also a diabetic & anytime I go to the market for him he only request soda (as many as I can get), donuts, and a cake and ham. Never anything healthy. I’m just not sure what to think of that. When I think about these things and motives behind what he does, and how sometimes I think he plays a victim a bit, I get upset. It’s clear he’s very sick. There’s no doubt about that but I feel he’s also not trying to help himself. Maybe I’m being hard on him. Maybe it’s just building up and it’s been a rough week and tomorrow will better. I don’t know. I think it’s just building up for me and I’m sure I’m just venting at this point. I will look into seeing if I can get him more home aid. I suggested a living center but my husband said no. I just think it would be best that when things happen to him, a trained person can take care of him right away. I think I’m a bit upset that the father cannot see the burden he is placing on his son and I and how we cannot possibly help him with most things. It’s not even safe for us to because things need to be sanitized or done in a sanitary environment etc. I’m sure this post makes me sound horrible. I promise I’m not. I wouldn’t mind if he lived with us and that made everything easier for everyone. I am just trying to figure it all out while supporting him, my husband, but still getting on with my / our life. Just some thoughts please?
To me he sounds like someone who needs to be in a nursing home. Definitely I don't think you should try to play nurse with this level of complex medical problems. The thought of being at all responsible for a non-compliant guy with all these issues, who needs a whole team of first responders just to get out of his residence... No. I have trouble sometimes moving around and caring for my compliant, 125 pound dad!
It's terribly sad. But frankly I wonder how much longer someone with all these health issues can hang on living at home. I'm sorry you and your husband are dealing with this.
Who would it depress if you moved back to the apartment?
If you have offered for him to live with you and he refuses, I can see your frustration with the whole matter.
I know someone will come along with some advice.
I do not thing you are a horrible person, just in a horrible situation. Pray about it. I will pray for you, and hope the Lord offers you a solution soon.
I know this has to be very difficult on you and your new marriage.
What does your husband feel about the neediness of his Dad. It seems he is lonely since you moved, since you say when you lived there, there was not as many issues.
He sounds in pretty bad shape, and would benefit from more in home care or NH.
Does husband know your feelings? And see the interference in your marriage?
I wish you the best in this, and hope you keep us posted with how things go and are going.
Hang in there.
Thank you to everyone for validating my feelings. My husband is supportive and we’ve spoken about it on numerous occasions but at the same time I feel it is his father and he doesn’t want to admit him to a NH and yes, in many ways he is an enabler and doesn’t not see the severity of the situation. I think he’s being dealing with it for so long and perhaps it was easier to deal with 10 years ago but he does not see how much worse it has gotten. He sees the interference in the marriage but maybe thinks it’s something that just “is what it is” and needs to be dealt with which is true - to some degree. At the same time, I understand that he is at a point where the limited care we can provide will just not be enough and can make the situation much worse. I know his father is depressed and unhappy and in some ways does not want to be putting us through this yet, he continues to hang on. I have my own issues and traumas about this. When I was younger my father was very ill and on his 54th birthday he passed. I spoke to him at 1:30 in the morning that day to wish him a happy birthday and he told me that it was time to go, that he couldn’t do this to me anymore (I was 16 and primary caregiver). I don’t know how he died (natural causes) but he did that day & it always stuck w me that he stopped hanging on so hard so I can continue college etc without the burden of him. As much as I miss him everyday, I’ve always loved him that much more for giving me my life. That alone makes me view this very differently from my husband.
The repeated problem I have is that I’ve gone from thinking of him as a victim and pitying him to now thinking of him as @MACinCT thinks of him. More often than not I find him to also be a pain-pill seeking (my father had these issues so I recognize them immediately) selfish individual. I know it’s not his fault but he can also make many decisions differently.
Tonight, he fell while trying to move from the couch to the wheelchair. He broke his coffee table and could have been seriously injured. Once again, another rush to the hospital. 😔
Thank you snoopylove and everyone else. Your support is very much appreciated.