My husband's father's wife (not his mother), who I will refer to as Loved One, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago. We live far away and so, to try to help where we could, we hired an Aging Life Specialist. I think she's been very helpful getting the proper diagnosis, attending doctor visits and helping to organize an application for Community Medicaid. She has helped arrange for caregivers which my FIL has reluctantly allowed a little bit.
Recently, there were a number of ER visits and at the last one someone told my FIL that LO didn't seem safe at home and that the state might step in and keep her. This has seriously freaked him out and he fired the Aging Life Specialist because he thinks somehow she is to blame for this. Of course, she isn't. She was advocating for more help in the home to make things safer. She does not want the LO removed. Anyway, my question is: Now that they are approved for Community Medicaid, there seem to be a lot of rules that need to be followed. Who will help someone with these rules? I imagine most people can't hire their own social worker so where do they turn? Does Medicaid give you a case worker who will advise you?
It sounds like your FIL isn’t on board with much that anyone is doing to help LO. Do you know why? Does he think that you don’t think he’s capable? Can your husband talk to him and encourage him to accept help? I would try to rehire the AL specialist since it sounds like she was doing a good job. Tell your FIL that the specialist is there to help and he is not to fire her again without your permission.
My husband is upset but I pointed out that if something happens to him, we aren't even next in line to be decision makers for her care. Her (their) children are. So there really isn't anything we can do. We told him we would pay for a different aging life specialist if he found one he trusted more. But he doesn't want anyone who can "report" on him to any authorities. I think the caregivers that he currently has are mandatory reporters. But maybe he doesn't know that.
I think he's terrified. Terrified to lose her, to make a mistake in her care or with the money, to lose control. I think whoever scared him in the ER intended to encourage him to allow more help at home. Sigh.
I will ask the aging care specialist to send him a final summary of what she's done to date and what she was working on. I'll ask her to include the phone numbers he should call if he has any Medicaid related questions. Maybe, if she doesn't have any more bad falls, he'll reconsider accepting help and rehire her. Thanks.
As to YOUR "assignment" just email back that you are unable to provide hands on care. Caregivers need to be hired.
I mostly hired her because on a visit, FIL looked so awful and my husband was extremely worried about him. But he doesn't really look much better now.
After he fired her, my husband started waking up in middle of the night (again) and he's getting chest pains. I think her involvement is as much for him as it is for FIL.
FIL would never pay the social worker. He barely wants to pay the caregivers. What is it with old men and their money? It's like if they don't spend it, they will live forever.
He has not reached out to Medicaid for a social worker. He has accepted the Medicaid that pays the hospital bills but has not accepted the home services. He did say that he will do that soon. (He's been saying that for months, though.) He better do it soon. I think they'll close the file soon.
Your poor husband! It must be very stressful to feel responsible and have no power in this situation; having to leave things to the local (and seemingly clueless) family is very hard. We've got a couple of other posters on here going through the same thing.
He might benefit from seeing a counselor who can help him sort out the things he can change and the things he simply has to live with, until they get bad enough for the authorities to step in.
I watched this with my aunt and uncle. She had CHF, he had dementia, but by gum, no one was going to take my aunt away from him. She fell and broke her hip; he pulled her around on a throw rug for three days. When EMTs showed up, he attacked them for "taking her away".
I see where ur husband is coming from. But he may have to just let Dad do his own thing until something happens and its taken out of his hands. He is just going to let the siblings there watch out for the parents. Something "will" happen and decisions will need to be made.
I'm not sure who at the ER said that to my FIL (about the state taking her). It wasn't anyone with authority, I don't think. I think someone was saying "Hey, this is the second time this week we're looking at bruises on this little old lady. You gotta do something different or else." At least the locals seem to be stepping up a bit. That's good. I hope it lasts. My FIL is very happy about it.
What was said by someone at the hospital, and what FIL "heard" could be two different things.
Early on in my mom's journey, before any of us thought that dementia might be an issue, the discharge nurse explained to my mother, in my presence, that if she needed to see her PCP soon after discharge, because if she came back with the same issue, the hospital would be penalized my Medicare.
My mom said, sadly "So I should never come back to this hospital, right?".
I was so angry with my mother, I wanted to hit her. Cognitive issues did not even enter my mind. Only her guilt-ridden "it's all my fault" childhood appeared to be in play just then.
In retrospect, my mother had stop reasoning with a full deck and I should have realized that.
Start to check out that what FIL is reporting is actually what was said to him.
He is grasping fairly complex issues with regard to the estate planning (when he can clearly hear them!) and is competent to handle bills and things. But who knows? What I do know is a frank discussion of his competency will not be well received right now.
My main focus now is going to be how to try to relieve my husband's distress at his inability to help his father. I hope he will at least try a couple of counseling sessions. I believe we have done what we can for FIL and LO. I am hopeful that the locals will be supportive to him going forward. The calendar of assignments annoyed me yesterday, but today I find that to be a very hopeful development. They aren't bad people. They do care. But they are (or maybe were) in denial about the situation. And FIL is just REALLY hard to help.