I don't know where to start. A little over a year ago my father (83) was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. In the last few months he has really started to decline. My mom, (65) is his primary caregiver. She is very overwhelmed. My father is now bedridden, he is at home right now a nurse comes in 2 times a week and he used to have an aide that came in 2 times a week but for some ungodly reason the nurse cancelled one of the days. Why would she do that? I'm dumbfounded. Especially when the social worker just told my mom she was going to up the aide to 3 times a week.
My father has recently started with Sundowners ( he is good all day long until the sun goes down then it is like a lightswitch).
I love my parents with all my heart, and would do anything I could for them. I feel horrible for my mom who is nearing her wits end. She feels like she will be failing my father if she "puts him in that place" (hospice facility).
I know there is something called respite care where they take him for 5 days so she can get some rest. Has anyone done this? I know she is afraid that if she lets him go, and he passes away she will feel like a failure. And she doesn't deserve to beat herself up.
I am there for her for whatever she needs. I just don't want her beating herself up on any decision she makes.
Your mom needs to understand that dads comfort should come first before her own sadness or guilt. If he is suffering and it's clear the end is in site he needs to end his days in comfort and with dignity. Talk to your mom about how she would want to be treated at the end of her life.
look, not even a young, trained , energetic nurses side can take care of a terminally ill bed ridden patient 24/7. sounds as though your mom is beyond the "exhaustion " phase and into the "unreality" phase. Please get her some help very soon.
I think right now her issue is that she feels like she can't do this anymore. He has been in home hospice for about a month but even before that he has needed help with everything.
I think if it was me who was in hospice care, move me to the facility so I could have 24 hour care by people who are trained in hospice care, to give my family a rest.
Otherwise, if your parents can afford to do this, have a paid caregiver from an agency come in to help out for a few hours a day. Ask for someone who is familiar to helping with hospice care. That caregiver can do the heavy work since your Dad is bedridden. The cost will be well worth it.
As for your Mom, she comes from a belief that her "job" was to keep her husband happy and healthy. And if the husband becomes ill, the wife would feel she didn't do her job correctly. My Mom was like that, I remember when my Dad had a heart attack, Mom refused to believe that because what would the relatives and neighbors think? Oh good heavens, why would they think it was "her fault"? We couldn't convince her otherwise.
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