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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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You thank your lucky little stars that you are in a position to help her on her final journey. You make sure you tuck her in every night and tell her you love her. You take your lead from your dear mom...talk about it? Maybe. Maybe not.
You keep her warm and clean and safe. You turn her pillow over every so often so she has a cool place for her head. If she's hungry, you give her whatever sounds good. If she's not, you let it go. Above all else, you keep her pain free, even if it means you dont quite get to say a final good bye.
I am sorry for your loss. The sun probably won't shine quite as brightly ever again...
Maggie answer you very poetically and with much sensitivity. These days to come may be the ones in which you provide her with more love and care than you have in your life, at a time when she needs it the most. If you can think of this journey as the one on which you may be able to provide her with the support she needs now more than ever, it may help to balance the grief that you feel.
I am so sorry for the situation, for you and your mom, but hope that you can find a path as Maggie wrote to help your mother on her last journey when you both may need each other than you have at any other time in your life....she to have your support, and you to be able to make her last days more comfortable and loving.
As difficult as this is you are lucky to have her at home and under hospice care. This is as good as it gets for folks in the final stage of life. She has you and good care. So many people have no one at the end. If you haven't done so, arrange some respite care using a hospice volunteer so you can get out, run some errands and just get a breath. All the best to you......
dreagarcia, I was in a similar situation with my mom-- she was in hospice at my home for the 3 weeks before she died of cancer. It was, as some have said, in many ways the most difficult time of my life. There is no preparation for this, and in my case at least, almost no support. It feels overwhelming. You may have to do things that you cannot imagine in order to make her comfortable. You may not think you are capable or strong enough, but trust me, you are! As you do, remember this: THIS IS THE BEST PART. The VERY best! Try to remember that, savor every little bit that you can. As hard as it is, in this difficulty, there are shining moments that will live on in your memory and you will know, in your heart, that you did your very best for her at the time she needs you the most.
I have precious memories from caring for my mom that no one else has. Quiet moments when we talked about what "it" will be like for her, times when she had her heart wide open for me--telling me how much she has loved me, how proud she was of me, how much my caring for her and my dad (who was also stage 4 cancer at the time) has meant to them both. These are some of the rewards I had while having to do the work of helping her die. Knowing that you are there and are providing her with care, dignity, respect and comfort is such a valuable gift to you. Yes, it will be unimaginably hard, but over time, the pain will lessen and the sweet memory and satisfaction of knowing you were there for her will sustain you onwards.
In a practical sense, these are some things that, looking back over my mom and my dad's final days, were the most helpful: 1) Set up and use a CaringBridge account to keep everyone informed as to how she is doing, what you need, reflections, condolences etc. Sometimes people in her life want and need to know, but you don't want to have a million phone calls and emails. It surprises me even today, how some people feel personally insulted if they are not called and kept up to date! ;-) 2) I set up audio monitors (from the baby department)--baby monitors by the bedside and throughout the house. This allowed me to leave her side, but still hear if she needed help or medication. During the night, I could also hear and be there quickly when needed. This was a Godsend! I used them with my dad, too, when his time came. 3) Let her lead--if she wants to talk, talk. My mom had periods of time when she seemed to be having conversations with people who were not there, or times when she was very talkative, but I couldn't understand a word! It was all very real to her, I am sure! If she wants to eat, help her, but do not force it. Near the end, she may not need food as the body has a way of shutting down that department. It's OK.
It is really a unique time, a special time, and a beautiful time in a strange sort of way. You are very lucky to be there as odd as it seems. Do your best and you will be fine in the end. Prayers for strength for you during this time!
My mom is on hospice too, but the end is not near.
Educate yourself on what you are going to see and hear as things progress. Knowing what you are seeing might help reduce the surprise of it and the dismay you might feel otherwise. Some of the responses are counter-intuitive.
There will come a time when you should not give water or food. This is not cruel. This is simply how it works. Passing may be harder for her and more traumatic for you by doing so.
A hospice nurse told me that sometimes people will practice dying. It will look like they are on the verge, but they then pull back and don't die. Their vitals get a little better and they are a little more coherent. This can go on for a while.
You may hear her gurgling. This is normal and is just air passing through phlegm in her throat.
Sing her songs that make her happy, say prayers with her if she likes that. Hold her hand, and remain calm and reassuring.
You might even give her permission to go if she's ready. Let her know you will all be fine and will know she loves you. "Mama I know you're tired. It's OK if you are ready."
Be prepared for it to happen when you turn your back for a minute. My hospice social worker told me that is how it almost always happens. They go when they feel like nobody is watching. We don't know why.
My Mom [98] is also on Hospice and the Hospice group gave me a 3-ring binder with all kinds of information and a list of what to watch for when the time is near.
At first I thought Mom was going to transition soon because she had stopped eating for a month, down to skin and bones... as of recently she is feeding herself which had surprised everyone. I don't know if this is temporary or not. Her brain is damaged and this isn't any type of quality of life not understanding her surroundings. I feel so sad for my Dad who visits her at long-term-care every day thinking she will be walking out the front door and back to her home.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You keep her warm and clean and safe. You turn her pillow over every so often so she has a cool place for her head. If she's hungry, you give her whatever sounds good. If she's not, you let it go. Above all else, you keep her pain free, even if it means you dont quite get to say a final good bye.
I am sorry for your loss. The sun probably won't shine quite as brightly ever again...
I am so sorry for the situation, for you and your mom, but hope that you can find a path as Maggie wrote to help your mother on her last journey when you both may need each other than you have at any other time in your life....she to have your support, and you to be able to make her last days more comfortable and loving.
I have precious memories from caring for my mom that no one else has. Quiet moments when we talked about what "it" will be like for her, times when she had her heart wide open for me--telling me how much she has loved me, how proud she was of me, how much my caring for her and my dad (who was also stage 4 cancer at the time) has meant to them both. These are some of the rewards I had while having to do the work of helping her die. Knowing that you are there and are providing her with care, dignity, respect and comfort is such a valuable gift to you. Yes, it will be unimaginably hard, but over time, the pain will lessen and the sweet memory and satisfaction of knowing you were there for her will sustain you onwards.
In a practical sense, these are some things that, looking back over my mom and my dad's final days, were the most helpful:
1) Set up and use a CaringBridge account to keep everyone informed as to how she is doing, what you need, reflections, condolences etc. Sometimes people in her life want and need to know, but you don't want to have a million phone calls and emails. It surprises me even today, how some people feel personally insulted if they are not called and kept up to date! ;-)
2) I set up audio monitors (from the baby department)--baby monitors by the bedside and throughout the house. This allowed me to leave her side, but still hear if she needed help or medication. During the night, I could also hear and be there quickly when needed. This was a Godsend! I used them with my dad, too, when his time came.
3) Let her lead--if she wants to talk, talk. My mom had periods of time when she seemed to be having conversations with people who were not there, or times when she was very talkative, but I couldn't understand a word! It was all very real to her, I am sure! If she wants to eat, help her, but do not force it. Near the end, she may not need food as the body has a way of shutting down that department. It's OK.
It is really a unique time, a special time, and a beautiful time in a strange sort of way. You are very lucky to be there as odd as it seems. Do your best and you will be fine in the end.
Prayers for strength for you during this time!
Educate yourself on what you are going to see and hear as things progress. Knowing what you are seeing might help reduce the surprise of it and the dismay you might feel otherwise. Some of the responses are counter-intuitive.
There will come a time when you should not give water or food. This is not cruel. This is simply how it works. Passing may be harder for her and more traumatic for you by doing so.
A hospice nurse told me that sometimes people will practice dying. It will look like they are on the verge, but they then pull back and don't die. Their vitals get a little better and they are a little more coherent. This can go on for a while.
You may hear her gurgling. This is normal and is just air passing through phlegm in her throat.
Sing her songs that make her happy, say prayers with her if she likes that. Hold her hand, and remain calm and reassuring.
You might even give her permission to go if she's ready. Let her know you will all be fine and will know she loves you. "Mama I know you're tired. It's OK if you are ready."
Be prepared for it to happen when you turn your back for a minute. My hospice social worker told me that is how it almost always happens. They go when they feel like nobody is watching. We don't know why.
::hugs::
At first I thought Mom was going to transition soon because she had stopped eating for a month, down to skin and bones... as of recently she is feeding herself which had surprised everyone. I don't know if this is temporary or not. Her brain is damaged and this isn't any type of quality of life not understanding her surroundings. I feel so sad for my Dad who visits her at long-term-care every day thinking she will be walking out the front door and back to her home.