She was 82 and had dementia, diabetes & failing kidneys. They decided to let Mom be “autonomous” and make the decision to stop checking her blood sugar.. she couldn’t do oral diabetes meds anymore due to her kidneys failing. They didn’t give her insulin because she was sleeping all of the time so how could she eat and drink if she’s asleep all of the time. If she wasn’t sleeping, she was awake yelling “help.” Then they started giving her OxyContin for her “pain” (that I never heard her complain of) … I’m sure that contributed to all of the sleeping she did and when that didn’t kill her off, they started with the morphine. They weren’t giving her any of her meds and weren’t giving her anything to drink or eat. She asked me for water when I was at her bedside. August 29th, the staff called me and said her breathing had changed so I drove up to be with her as she passed. I will be forever traumatized by that day…watching her struggle to breathe and the death rattles…in my opinion, Mom had a few good years left but these ghouls talked her into hospice and just drugged her up and let her die. I was thoroughly disgusted by these people. Mom told me she didn’t want to die and they told me that she’s probably just saying that for my benefit.
Two years ago you posted this:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-has-had-a-few-strokes-she-has-dementia-she-stopped-walking-in-2018-she-is-80-years-old-and-ga-491541.htm
in which you said she "...gave up on living 11 years ago." Yet you just now wrote, "...in my opinion, Mom had a few good years left." Did she really? Not in her opinion, apparently.
If you were not her active PoA and she didn't have a legal guardian, then she was legally autonomous -- it was not anyone else's decision but her own, and certainly not the hospice service. If she really didn't want to die but was yet still autonomous she had the power to leave hospice. Watching someone you love pass away IS traumatizing, even when there are no better options for them. I feel the same way in retrospect having made the decision to start the Ativan and morphine for my 105-yr old Aunt who was paralyzed from a massive stroke. I keep feeling guilty and second guessing that decision, yet there were no other good options for her: just ongoing suffering and poor quality of life. It's just me grieving someone I knew for a very long time and wishing she were still here.
May you receive peace in your heart as you move through the shock and grief.
What a blessing that hospice was there to keep her as comfortable and pain free as possible so she could die in peace.
And none of us given our druthers "want to die" but we're all going to one way or another.
Also your mom didn't struggle to breath at the end. What you heard was all part of the dying process and yes it can be a bit traumatizing if you've not been through that before.
So I hope you'll now take advantage of the free 13 months of grief counseling that hospice offers, or seek out a free Grief Share group in your area so you can be at peace with the passing of your mom. She would want that much for you.
God bless you.
I too listened to the Cheyne Stokes breathing aka the death rattle with both my parents which is unpleasant to hear. I was relieved to read that there is no pain or "struggle to breathe" associated with this sound, and many hospice nurses feel the soul has already transitioned by the time that noise is heard.
It's easier to lash out at others, like hospice, when the death of a parent occurs than it is to accept they're gone. It's hard and it's permanent, I know. Your dear mom had difficult and ongoing medical issues, however, and if you can take comfort in knowing she's no longer suffering, that may help you begin to heal. Grief counseling is useful too.
My condolences on your loss, my friend. God bless you and give you peace.
Hospice's actions were in accordance with medical protocol. The hospice staff should have explained that when the body starts to shut down, organs are not working, and eating and drinking becomes painful for the patient. They were making it possible for her to go in the least painful way possible, which is their job.
FYI, both of my parents were in hospice care, and my husband has been in hospice care now for almost two years. The hospice people are the kindest, most helpful people I've ever met, but if I didn't understand the process, perhaps I'd think differently. I hope you will take the time to learn more about hospice so you can come to peace about your mother's choice (and it WAS her choice). Also, please avail yourself of hospice's grief counseling so that you can come to terms with what happened. Again, my sincere condolences.
I am not sure how involved you were in her care but a few good years may be a belief of yours but not true reality. I wish you peace and strength.
Ok....Who was mom's POA for health?
Mom had dementia so she could not have signed the Hospice Admission paperwork. Someone did.
Not being able to do dialysis the build up of toxins causes physical discomfort (probably why pain meds were being given) fatigue, confusion.
The "death rattle" as you called it is not her gasping for breath. It is caused by a buildup of secretions in her mouth and throat that she can no longer swallow. It is not painful...it just sounds terrible.
Not giving someone at the end of life something to eat or drink is actually helping them. This is how the body prepares to die. It no longer has to use energy so there is no need for food, the body will not process it. If food is forced or given through a feeding tube the food will remain in the stomach it will not be digested.
If you want to be a numbers person...It does not make sense for a Hospice company to "kill" a patient. Once the patient is dead they can no longer bull Medicare, Medicaid or other insurance., So as long as the person meets Medicare Guidelines they can remain on Hospice and they can continue to bill for services.
I wonder if her Hospice team dropped the ball with the education piece on death and dying? I would think at least they would have given her a pamphlet on what to expect in her mother's last days.
I'm happy that so many on here had positive reflections about hospice and their loved ones.
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