She was 82 and had dementia, diabetes & failing kidneys. They decided to let Mom be “autonomous” and make the decision to stop checking her blood sugar.. she couldn’t do oral diabetes meds anymore due to her kidneys failing. They didn’t give her insulin because she was sleeping all of the time so how could she eat and drink if she’s asleep all of the time. If she wasn’t sleeping, she was awake yelling “help.” Then they started giving her OxyContin for her “pain” (that I never heard her complain of) … I’m sure that contributed to all of the sleeping she did and when that didn’t kill her off, they started with the morphine. They weren’t giving her any of her meds and weren’t giving her anything to drink or eat. She asked me for water when I was at her bedside. August 29th, the staff called me and said her breathing had changed so I drove up to be with her as she passed. I will be forever traumatized by that day…watching her struggle to breathe and the death rattles…in my opinion, Mom had a few good years left but these ghouls talked her into hospice and just drugged her up and let her die. I was thoroughly disgusted by these people. Mom told me she didn’t want to die and they told me that she’s probably just saying that for my benefit.
I freaked out when I heard that death rattle, something you will let go of, eventually. It's a long journey to go through being a caregiver and you should be happy for her that she's no longer suffering. This has nothing to do with you or hospice or anyone else,it was her time to go. It's okay to be happy and not guilt ridden with her passing, you did what you could as did hospice. I didn't cry for over a year after my Mom passed away, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself as I had so much to do afterwards. I always focused on that she was with her departed family members and my Dad and was so happy now! They're up there having such a big family reunion and endless fun!
her family was sad, but they knew it was what she wanted..
so, hospice at home, or
comfortable measures in the hospital...
or let nature take its course..
put the gloves on; crush the pills together and slide the powder between cheeks and gums.. huh? No I do this?
snd she leaves....
during the night, I keep calling hospice. His name is Angel. He is working with another patient, but he is off work at 7 am, and he has done his shift. I called several times. He agreed to come over..
he calmed mom down, else she was through with that horrible transition .
my other one on hospice, this nurse stayed by her side. I was there in the morning.!I told her I'd be there by noon. I was 20 minutes late. She looked like she went peacefully. She died at noon.,
my other one had hospice. They came in with a musician, a nurse who did the meds, a nurse to clean him, and a pastor. Mind you not all at the same time..nurse was in twice a week. So that meant I was in charge of meds..again...😟
my friend found an organization that had caregivers/24:7. She knew what I went through the first time. This team was wonderful. Alex morning and Dan came in the evening. Alex washed him, asked if he could cut his shirts to change his clothes more efficiently, made him comfortable, filled the med journal out and right on schedule. They kept his dignity. He was peaceful. They administered the meds as hospice team said, no missed doses, and not all at one time.
One afternoon I asked Dan if it was time for a pill.. he said no, he didn't need it anymore..
He was at peace..sleeping.., coma.
one morning, I heard his last breath..
I slept on his couch next to his med bed.
Just thst one last breath...
3 different hospices, 3 different experiences, and yes, hospice is supposed to let them get to the finish line sooner..
ALL Processes of dying are different.
dad did not take any meds.. he was in pain. He did not want me sitting on the bed; it hurt him to much to be touched or move. I went to get a cushion to lay on next to his bed, he was scared I was leaving.. no dad, I'm just making myself comfortable on the floor.
Don't we do this for our pets? Do you let you pet suffer for days? Some say that's cruelty to animals. The 30 second shot or longer depending on pet and size is also different with each animal.
a friend who suffered from diabetes. His saying: DEATH IS OKAY.
they are at peace now.
Us, We the living, deal with all sorts of emotions. I could've done better. I could've ..,
The could've, would've, should haves seep into your thoughts unexpectedly.
However your situation is; however your care team, doctors, and family circle around you, you have an idea of how you want this process to go..
im not a caregiver...i tried. Its hard. My friend helped me form a team..
Diabetes is a killer no matter how good you are about taking your meds or eating right. The kidneys are usually affected by diabetes. After they hit stage 4, there really is nothing they can do for the person. I had 2 friends that stopped dialysis and opted for Hospice. Both were gone within 2 weeks from kidney desease.
When the kidneys fail, a toxin builds up in the body. This toxin causes sepsis which is a infection that will kill a person. When the body is dying, it shuts down, giving someone food and water at this time will do more harm than good.
Again, sorry for your loss.
Hospice is not out to kill people,
It was her time and you weren’t ready. Most people aren’t. I wasn’t ready when my Mom died this year. But I accept that she was suffering and it was her time.
I will not say hospice killed my mom - but they brought about her death more quickly.
The morphine was given when mom was not in pain. She was however struggling with breathing from COPD. The nurse explained that morphine helps relax muscles in the chest so it aids with breathing. I did not have POA but said no to morphine, and they administered it anyway. Then I found out they gave mom Ativan to reduce her "anxiety". Her "anxiety" was just that she wanted to get out of bed. I said I did not deem that as anxiety, and perhaps someone could assist her to get out of bed, but nobody did.
So, there was my mom at 98 pounds lying in bed with morphine and Ativan and one day she went from sitting up having a conversation to being a zombie, mumbling in bed, zoned out, and incoherent. She died one day later zoned out, dehydrated, and thirsty and I know she felt thirst because she was asking for water. I think it was horrific.
I too have PTSD from the entire "hospice" care my mom received. It was not gentle or compassionate. It was my mom drugged up, zoned out, thirsty and alone.
I want to ask you a question.....have you ever struggled to breathe? To get air into your lungs? I can tell you from experience it's THE worst, scariest and anxiety producing feeling on earth. Morphine definitely eases breathing. It's not the deadly drug many think it is, either, especially in the doses hospice uses. Were I struggling to breathe, I'd welcome morphine and passing away a few days sooner if that were the result. I've used morphine several times in my life and I'm here to speak about it. Again, you're entitled to feel as you do and it may be true that hospice hastens the end by a bit, even in my parents cases idk. What I do know is the end us hard to witness for all of the survivors, one way or another.
Witnessing a death can be traumatic. It’s scary and sad, even when there is nothing that can be done. What did you expect when she started hospice?
Ok....Who was mom's POA for health?
Mom had dementia so she could not have signed the Hospice Admission paperwork. Someone did.
Not being able to do dialysis the build up of toxins causes physical discomfort (probably why pain meds were being given) fatigue, confusion.
The "death rattle" as you called it is not her gasping for breath. It is caused by a buildup of secretions in her mouth and throat that she can no longer swallow. It is not painful...it just sounds terrible.
Not giving someone at the end of life something to eat or drink is actually helping them. This is how the body prepares to die. It no longer has to use energy so there is no need for food, the body will not process it. If food is forced or given through a feeding tube the food will remain in the stomach it will not be digested.
If you want to be a numbers person...It does not make sense for a Hospice company to "kill" a patient. Once the patient is dead they can no longer bull Medicare, Medicaid or other insurance., So as long as the person meets Medicare Guidelines they can remain on Hospice and they can continue to bill for services.
I wonder if her Hospice team dropped the ball with the education piece on death and dying? I would think at least they would have given her a pamphlet on what to expect in her mother's last days.
I'm happy that so many on here had positive reflections about hospice and their loved ones.
Hospice's actions were in accordance with medical protocol. The hospice staff should have explained that when the body starts to shut down, organs are not working, and eating and drinking becomes painful for the patient. They were making it possible for her to go in the least painful way possible, which is their job.
FYI, both of my parents were in hospice care, and my husband has been in hospice care now for almost two years. The hospice people are the kindest, most helpful people I've ever met, but if I didn't understand the process, perhaps I'd think differently. I hope you will take the time to learn more about hospice so you can come to peace about your mother's choice (and it WAS her choice). Also, please avail yourself of hospice's grief counseling so that you can come to terms with what happened. Again, my sincere condolences.
I too listened to the Cheyne Stokes breathing aka the death rattle with both my parents which is unpleasant to hear. I was relieved to read that there is no pain or "struggle to breathe" associated with this sound, and many hospice nurses feel the soul has already transitioned by the time that noise is heard.
It's easier to lash out at others, like hospice, when the death of a parent occurs than it is to accept they're gone. It's hard and it's permanent, I know. Your dear mom had difficult and ongoing medical issues, however, and if you can take comfort in knowing she's no longer suffering, that may help you begin to heal. Grief counseling is useful too.
My condolences on your loss, my friend. God bless you and give you peace.
Two years ago you posted this:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-has-had-a-few-strokes-she-has-dementia-she-stopped-walking-in-2018-she-is-80-years-old-and-ga-491541.htm
in which you said she "...gave up on living 11 years ago." Yet you just now wrote, "...in my opinion, Mom had a few good years left." Did she really? Not in her opinion, apparently.
If you were not her active PoA and she didn't have a legal guardian, then she was legally autonomous -- it was not anyone else's decision but her own, and certainly not the hospice service. If she really didn't want to die but was yet still autonomous she had the power to leave hospice. Watching someone you love pass away IS traumatizing, even when there are no better options for them. I feel the same way in retrospect having made the decision to start the Ativan and morphine for my 105-yr old Aunt who was paralyzed from a massive stroke. I keep feeling guilty and second guessing that decision, yet there were no other good options for her: just ongoing suffering and poor quality of life. It's just me grieving someone I knew for a very long time and wishing she were still here.
May you receive peace in your heart as you move through the shock and grief.
I am not sure how involved you were in her care but a few good years may be a belief of yours but not true reality. I wish you peace and strength.
What a blessing that hospice was there to keep her as comfortable and pain free as possible so she could die in peace.
And none of us given our druthers "want to die" but we're all going to one way or another.
Also your mom didn't struggle to breath at the end. What you heard was all part of the dying process and yes it can be a bit traumatizing if you've not been through that before.
So I hope you'll now take advantage of the free 13 months of grief counseling that hospice offers, or seek out a free Grief Share group in your area so you can be at peace with the passing of your mom. She would want that much for you.
God bless you.