Hi, I’m so happy I found this forum. I don’t know where to begin so I’ll just let it out... I’m the only child of two aging parents, and I’ve barely gotten my life started, yet I live with the constant fear of a future where I lose them much earlier than any of my peers. I know that sounds unrational but my current position in life exacerbates my anxiety. I’m a poor college kid, my family is small... very small, and it wasn’t until the last few years when my mother’s memory has started to fade and my father has become increasing sedentary and unhealthy that I realized that I could be facing a future where I need to care for them, or god.. I not even think of it—lose them. And then I would be alone. Alone in a world I’m not prepared to be helpless and isolated in. This fear has me crying to sleep some nights when my father gets a bad cold he can’t shake for months and has to spend days in bed, or when my mom can’t remember what she said to me not 5 minutes earlier.
Anyone please, I need advice on how to handle this crippling anxiety because it’s destroying me inside and affecting my ability to cope at school.
Also plz don’t be afraid to be straight with me. I need to hear the hard truths from people who understand or have experienced my situation so I can start to find some closure in how I’ll handle it.
Thanks for listening. Your advice is a blessing.
Is there a Health Service at your college? That's the place I would start. Make an appointment and tell a counselor about your anxiety.
Anxiety has a funny way of attaching itself to anything it can. It can be sort of free floating; if you solve one issue, it will find something else for you to worry about.
Getting yourself a good talk therapist can help tremendously; sometimes we need meds to get us back on track with the issues that life's apt to throw at us.
I have two daughters. The youngest one was born when I was 40 years old so I am older than most of their friend’s parents.
I raised my daughters to be independent so I don’t think they have strong fears of being alone in life.
My youngest daughter is in college too. She has worked part time since her high school days. Do you have a job? Do you depend on your parents for everything?
I was shocked to learn that some of my daughter’s friends in college did not even know how much their apartment rent was because mommy and daddy took care of everything for them. That is sad because parents will not always be around. We help our child financially but we have given her a debit card and checkbook to pay her own bills with.
So I would advise for you to be as independent as you can be. Study hard to prepare for your future. Get a job to feel secure if you don’t have one.
I am sorry that you feel fear about being alone. Are your parents very ill or just getting older? People are living much longer these days.
Is there a specific incident that upset you that you want to share? You don’t have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable though.
I am not sure if I offered any help but as a mom of a college student your post grabbed my attention. I will be happy to listen to your concerns.
My daughter is comfortable speaking to us but has also spoken to a therapist or her school advisor when she felt weighed down by life situations. Don’t hesitate to speak to a counselor at school or a therapist.
Take care. Hugs.
Have you spoken to your parents about your worries. I understand it can be difficult. Where do you start? If it concerns you a lot, maybe ask your parents what their future plan is. Would they want home care, or assisted living? Are they saving money for it?
Then you don't get stuck putting your life on hold to care for them.
Have a calm discussion.
Also, talk to a therapist. They can help you straighten out your thoughts and have more productive ones.
As for loneliness, having good friends helps. Good friends can be like family. And they make life less lonely. Plus, they are there for you when things go south.
Wishing you all the best. Big (hug)
Do you have friends with younger parents - mine were old by comparison with my peers. Sometimes friends parents can help advise.
You might find it easier long term to get help and move out - learning independence whist your parents are still around - and young enough that friends parents would give advise should you need a younger perspective. Doesn't stop you visiting your parents regularly but having that space to grow and develop your own sense of worth and belief in your abilities is a big help.
Recognising your parents are aging, developing medical problems and won’t always be there for you either through illness or passing on is a big shock. Try not to be so wrapped up in your fears that you forget to enjoy the time with them.
They are here now and you have time to develop skills to help you cope with whatever life throws your way - don’t squander time - enlist the help of anxiety treatment and parents - yours and friends.
Thank you for being brave enough to share - keep in touch
At age 28, I married into a large family. In the absence of the extended family I should have had, I have embraced my husband's family over the years. Looking back, I realize that most of the guys I dated and really liked during high school & college, had big supportive families, and I guess that's something I craved. Maybe you will find that for yourself.
I have also learned to seek out a circle of friends. "Family" does not have to be blood. Friends, In-laws, whatever, you get what you give. Don't ever forget that! As an only-child I was very independent and sometimes wasn't there for friends in my 20s, and I regret that now. Work on building your own "family" network, whatever that looks like. I never had children, but that's OK, you can't live your life through your children, and it's cruel to expect a child to be your best buddy and support into old age (ask most of the people on this forum!).
Bottom line, when my parents are gone I will pretty much be an orphan in this world - no parents, no siblings, no children, but I am prepared for that, I will be OK, and I just keep up my health/strength and nurture my other connections.
Like Upstream has pointed out, you can build a circle of friends to be your family. I don't have kids and I have been with my sig other for 17 yrs and he is my family. And I am good with that!
Plus, God is always with you whether you believe in Him or not! Sorry I just felt in my spirit to tell you that. I have notice over the years of my life that when one person is taken out of my life God always has some one else to take their place.
Finish school and get a job and find people to love and support you. Building friendships something that I too wish I would have done. Most importantly build a relationship with yourself. Build your confidence up that alone will take you far in this world. You will be ok!
Fear is always based on the "unknown", but once you get pass that "unknown" you will find yourself doing better then you thought you would.
Please stay in touch here...we really do care!
Hugs!!!
Non of us has a crystal ball, your parent are still young, they could live another 20 years or more...my mother is 94 and lived on her own till last month, so one never knows. I am 72, doing everything I did at 52.
Life will throw you curb balls, it is not so much the circumstance you are in, it is how you handle it...this is the key...you have not developed the necessary coping skills that you will need to face life on its own terms.
I'm an only child who grew up in a house with a single mom and her 2 older sisters who never married nor had kids of their own. I'm their kid. So, 3 mothers. They are currently 90 (my mom), 97 and 100. They are "old school" Italian-Americans who sacrificed their own lives to care for their mother (which made sense in this case since she spoke no English and was a widow).
It is my opinion that in general, parents with only 1 child have too much time and resources to spend on that Only. They put "too much stock" in that relationship and a culture, an expectation of the continuance of that degree of relationship never goes away from the parents' perspective (generally).
Please keep this saying close at hand: "I am not responsible for my parents' happiness." Your parents are ADULTS who absolutely have the ability to think about and plan for their future retirement years. If they are deniers about aging, that's their problem, not yours. What is your responsibility in all of it? None, really. But if you get the sense that they have an expectation that you are their retirement plan, then you need to gently disabuse them of this notion. And then don't feel guilty about it. Go on and find an awesome guy to marry, have lots of kids! That's what I did. I love having 3 kids. Wish I had more! And yes, as others have wisely advised: intentionally "shop" for worthy friends.
It grieves me to hear how much anxiety you have. My kids are 20, 26 and 29 (and I have a 9-yr old grandson). My 20-yr old tells me how much anxiety and fears his peers have. Please note that my mom said during WWII they thought the world was ending too, and it didn't. Don't worry about things that haven't happened!
"Worry ruins today and robs tomorrow of its joy.”
“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”
"Worrying will never change the outcome."
"Don't sweat the small stuff. P.S. It's ALL small stuff."
When I find myself worrying about something I take a small action that in some way is productive towards alleviating that worry. In your case, I'd start with the conversation with your parents about their preparedness. This may shock them, or they may be reluctant to talk about it, burden you with it, reveal their unpreparedness, etc. What I did with my in-denial in-laws was go to their home with the Power of Attorney paperwork that I downloaded at my own expense (1 set for each individual). I did this several times until I got only 1 of them to sign. There are other docs, like Medical Directive, Living Wills, etc. but durable Power of Attorney is the most important docs. Then you will have peace of mind that if anything does go south, you will at least have control to help them in important and legal ways.
Here's an idea: lead the way by example. Make a date with them and bring PoA documents for ALL of you, you included since you are over 18. And you should document your important account passwords (somewhere at some point) so that if anything happens to you, your parents can deal with all of that, or at least get into your phone and laptop. And the hope is that they will also see the importance of doing the same for you. This is sort of back-handed shaming, but hey if it works...
Finally, it is ok to be honest with them about the reality of 1 person being "expected" to care for 2 people. This is what's happening in China due to the 1-child policy. Don't let them get away with saying denier stuff like, "Oh, THAT will NEVER happen!" or "If I ever get like that just shoot me". My mom used to say that until she watched our family suffer through the dumpster fire of dealing with my in-laws. She's never said it since. I remind my mom that no one gets out of here alive... May you receive peace in your heart and hope for a bright future filled with friends, family and all the BEST life has to offer!
I admit to rolling my eyes when the younger generation of our own family start on the OMG the old folks are slipping spiel - you are making a huge leap putting people in their late 60's in the same category as most of the people who need care on this forum... yes, some people do need care at a younger age but the majority of people in your parent's generation are the caregivers not the care recipients.
BTW, I lost my father when he was 74 (I was 34), but my mother managed to carry on until her 99th bday last year - you just never know what the future will bring.
Here's where you are. You are in school, and it's scary. You know next step is career. Then what, now what, what will I do if..... and on and on your brain wants to go. And it is NORMAL to have those things banging about the brain. And it is NORMAL now to NEED to safety of "home" to know that you can run back there. Of all the passages in my life (I am 77 now) I remember this the most acutely. I had moved out at 17, had gone into the big city of Chicago, had my own room at the YWCA first, then my own small room in a brownstone, shared bath. And I NEEDED to know my parents were there for me. I later married, had a child very early (18) and a bad marriage. Needed with all my heart to know my parents were there for me. Another example, my own 18 year old daughter just out on her own when I got breast cancer and she feared to lose me. She was TERRIFIED and we often speak of it now she is 57.
So what you feel is normal. I think that what you feel is added on to by the fact your parents are (much too early and I am sorry to hear it) giving up a bit on life. It is normal to slow down. Normal to take great pleasure in putting your feet up to read, watch TV with a glass of wine. But it isn't normal to give up on life, stop getting out there and experiencing. I think that their "slowing down" is making you fearful.
Now, I will also tell you, Anxiety........it's a mess. I have had it all my life and always attempted to keep it at bay with a very orderly safe life. It can't be done. Now at 77 just when I was congratulating myself I am still well and can get around, my bro took a crump. And I have learned to feel HELPLESS and AFRAID all over again. Life is gonna ambush you. Make no mistake. But there is absolutely nothing you can do about that NOW and you cannot even predict where the attack will come from nor when. Some days now my poor brain goes to what the next shoe to drop will be. But truth is I cannot know.
I am going to suggest "mindfulness training" for you if you have the slightest interest. Those of us attacked by our own poor brain's constant stirring the stew of life, hystericalizing what "could happen" need to have training in how to occupy ourselves. Whatever is a zen for us. Ironing? sewing? drawing? walking or running. Whatever gets us out of the poor hammering of our heads.
Make a list. Here's everything I am afraid of today. Heck, I can even add the water heater might spring a leak. Then leave the list behind and live that day as fully as you are able. You will deal with things as they happen. You WILL DEAL. Make friends. Not friends who you lay all this luggage out for, but friends who will BE THERE if you need them. *(I own I am not especially GOOD at making friends; next life I will do better at that one).
I wish you so much luck. Stop beating yourself up about worrying because when you are not worrying you will tend to want to beat yourself up instead. You are living life. All this? All this is life, and you are just at the beginning of what I hope will be happy and full. Make no mistake you will get hit with your full measure of tragedy as well. But don't do the Hamlet thing of a thousand deaths from worrying ahead of time.
Your note touched me to my core; I might have written it. Years ago.
In 2000 I had some crippling anxiety myself and could barely function any longer. Instead of feeding myself a song and dance, I got my butt to the doctor who prescribed Paxil for me. It was like someone had flipped a switch..........taking me from sheer panic to feeling like my old self in short order.
You cannot think straight when your brain is sending you messages full of anxiety and fear. Once you're back on the road to feeling less anxious, THEN you can ask your folks what their long term retirement plans are and perhaps attend a doctor's appointment with your mom to see if she's going down the road to dementia. Being an only child, as I am, FORCES you to deal with your parents and their issues, so knowing their financial history NOW will help you deal with them LATER.
Wishing you all the best & sending you a big hug.
Has your Mom had a good physical. There could be physical reasons for her "fading" memory. Not that there aren't people at Moms age suffering from a Dementia but she still is kind of young. Diabetes can cause memory problems. Thyroid controls a lot of the body functions. Low potassium. Dehydration. Both parents need a lab work up. I think thats where u need to start.
Once you find out how they stand physically, they and you need to plan for the future. First, get POAs in place. Hopefully Mom can assign u. Having these documents will be a big help in the future. Have your name put on their banking accts. Makes it much easier to help pay bills for them. Learn what you can about Medicaid. This will help u not make mistakes now that will effect ur parents being able to get it in the future.
A lot of caregivers jump right in not looking at their future. Once Caregiving starts it is not always easy to get out of. A number of members have moved a parent in with them or visa versa. Only to find that the parent was worse that previously thought. That their care is more than they can handle. Caregiving is hard. You give up a lot. Mostly freedom.
Your future is important. Staying home to care for parents, especially at your age, is going to effect it big time. This is the time u need to finish school and find a good job. Your SS earnings will be effected if u don't work.
You need to figure out what you are willing to do to care for your parents. With or without a POA, you don't need to physically care for your parents. What you "owe" them is to make sure they are safe, warm and fed. If that means eventually an Assisted Living or LTC, then so be it. But, if you are willing to care for your parents then know what is involved. And there r resources to help. I would have my parent put my name with any utility companies, mortgage, rent ect, so if a bill is not paid you are contacted.
Take it from one who knows, you are thinking too much. No problem having a game plan but, you really have no idea what life is going to bring. You can't plan for every possible scenario. Like said, there are counselors at school, use them. One thing you will need to learn is Boundries. What are u willing to do and not willing to do. The more your parents do for themselves the better. Don't allow them guilting you into anything you aren't comfortable with or any verbal abuse. There is help out there. Office of Aging in ur County can help.
Finally, death of a parent. We all die. You will make it without them. It will be harder for you because u will be younger than a lot of people. You need to now form hopefully lasting friendships. Have some social outlets.
If you need help, we r here. I suggest you read the other posts. It may help you.
It's okay to feel concerned, I hope you do have someone to talk to, (neighbor, friend, etc) From a personal standpoint, I have gone through this.
My brothers and I were raised by a widowed mom (Dad died in Vietnam). There were many times that I shared the same feelings as you, though at a younger age, worrying what would happen if she were to pass.
What got us through, was prayer, and that God provided for us. There were also some wonderful neighbors, who all are sadly deceased, that looked out for us and offered their home and anything else we might need if the situation arose. The neighbors who cared, far outweighed those who didn't (since they were married with kids and did not want to be bothered with a single mother and her children, sad but true).
I was always preparing and dreading for the time, mom would pass, since there was also a 40 year age difference. That sadly came true 3 years ago, and I'm starting to rebuild and live life. I'm thankful that she lived to see my brothers and me through childhood years straight into adulthood.
My advice to you, cherish that your parents are still alive, get an idea of what you want to do now, while they're still alive, pray and enjoy life and them as well.
Good luck to you and Bless you.
Happy New Year.
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone had caring neighbors? Nowadays, most people don’t even know their neighbors. Glad you had a few neighbors that care.
Relationships ran their course and ended because guys didn't like dating someone with needy parents. When some friends were emigrating in our 20s I couldn't go because mother was recovering from a heart condition. That was over 20 years ago. I don't see friends so much now. My time is taken up supervising nursing home care of two very frail parents, dealing with all their admin, managing property, dealing with problem tenants and all that while commuting 3 hours a day to a very pressurised job.
Did I mention that I am in remission from a bout of chronic fatigue diagnosed in July 2014? I had to pick myself up then and keep going in between collapsing with exhaustion when my mother was admitted to hospital in August 2014. I have had countless arguments with ambulance staff and emergency staff who wanted to admit ME to hospital! No way, nobody will be there for me.
The one time I was in hospital in 2011 for major surgery I had to go home to my parents home to recover. Then a week after discharge I found my mother collapsed with her heart condition. I had to manage things until my surgical wound opened and got infected. Against family protest (how could you do this when your mother is not well!) I went back to my city apartment so I could recover alone with no responsibilities.
Back to the cusp of 2020 and I have no life for myself. Bitter? You bet. I have spent most of my life being a life support system for them despite many attempts to escape. All my life I got the message from extended family that I do not matter and as a girl I should be there to care for my parents.
Like a fool I moved out of the city in 2012 to be there for them and it's a rural area full of hicks who are afraid to talk to a woman over 40 for fear she'll turn their milk sour. That's all age groups. I spoke to a friend over Christmas who I hadn't seen since I was in the city and I was talking about old times to her. I said to her without thinking "Do you remember we went to X venue for New Years Eve when I was alive?" She burst out laughing and so did I but she knew what I meant. Life for me now is not living.
DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
Get help for your anxiety. Does your college have a student counselling service? If so start there. NOW is the time for you to build a network of friends, plan your career, think about meeting someone in the near future (time flies), get married and have a family of your own. I really miss not having had the chance to do that.
Most important you need to put your parents needs aside while they are relatively young and healthy so you can BUILD A SUPPORT NETWORK OF YOUR OWN. This can be your friends, your partner and like some people mentioned, your partner's family.
THAT SUPPORT NETWORK WILL BE CRUCIAL FOR YOU IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SIBLINGS. I have little support, it is incredibly difficult and soul destroying trying to do everything alone. Where I come from people think it's ok to take advantage of the vulnerable and single women over 40 are particularly ripe for scamming.
Do not end up like me. Please let 2020 be the year you sort out your anxiety and claim your life. Start building that support network now and nurture it throughout your life. As I said before it's crucial.
Sorry for the long post but I hope it will mobilize you into claiming your life as your own. I wish I did when I was your age.
Enjoy your time with your parents now. Good luck and Happy New Year.
Your parents are you parents; they're not your peers. You need to be around people your own age who understand you. Join a club. Get a hobby. Make friends. Life is lonely without people to share it with. Start building relationships now. You can't control the future but you can control your choices today.
As some already mentioned, we never know! Your folks could live another 30 years. Evidently they were in their 40s when they had you. So when you were a kid, you had the 'older parents' already, yes? It could be you've always seen them as 'the older parents', if that makes sense?
I have a friend who had a surprise baby at 45. She's already worrying about the age issues. When he is 18 and graduating high school, she'll be 63... his friends will have grandparents that age. So maybe your folks are worried about you too? My parents were in their 20s when they had me, yet when I hit my 20s and was still single, they'd say "we just don't want you to be alone after we're gone!" A legit concern, I guess. I didn't marry until my 30s so they were freaking out there for awhile, haha.
If you're comfortable doing so (or get to a point in the future where you are), you could ask them what plans they may have or what their expectations are if they need help later. Do they expect you'll drop everything and take care of them? Would they be open to assisted living? What about finances? Whether or not they had you later in life on purpose or a surprise, surely they had an inkling then as to the age gaps once you were grown. They may have this worked out more than you know!