In December, I had the burden of deciding whether or not to authorize an above-the-knee amputation for my 95-year-old father with dementia who lives in MC. He has serious peripheral arterial disease. After praying, researching, obtaining medical opinions, etc., I decided to forego the amputation & let nature take its course. He was also admitted to hospice in January 2022. I didn't think he would last much longer.
However, he is still with us - frail, emaciated, & bedridden. His foot is black & the heel of his other foot has developed terrible breakdown. He has periods where he can eat a bit when someone feeds him. He is on routine pain & anxiety meds. He looks NOTHING like he used to & it's horrifying. He is just existing at this point.
As with most people, this situation is NOT how he pictured his last months/years. I'm devastated whenever I see him. For those who have been through this, how do you cope? I have questioned my faith because he doesn't deserve this (who does?) & I'm having difficulty reconciling his condition with a benevolent God. I'm trying to remain strong & continue to pray for him, but it's wearying. And beginning to affect my own health.
How do you deal?
You continue to pray and believe that God knows best.
Blessing to you and he.
I am sorry for your great emotional pain and sorrow during this awful ordeal. ((((Hugs)))).
Know that what you are going through is not unusual.
Then you are down to the struggle with your faith. While I am an atheist and don't have any such struggles I did find this book by C.S. Lewis about the loss of his beloved wife a wonderful book written by a gentleman of profound faith. It is called A Grief Observed and I highly recommend it. He allowed himself to rage at his God. And they both survived it. As did his faith. It is a short book, and very wonderful I think.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know all that is involved, including the ongoing odors you are assaulted by daily no matter the love you bear someone who is going through the torment of literally have portions of the body rot while they live. I hope you have discussed with hospice that you are anxious that your Dad be at peace, pain free, and free of anxiety, no matter it may hasten his death.
It is my feeling you will feel nothing but a profound sense of relief and release for your Dad and for yourself when this is over. Meanwhile, as my brother and I observed when he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia, it is not as though you have a choice. The human body is designed to live. It doesn't give up life easily.
Again, my heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for this pain.
When my husband was in his long 6 week dying process and in excruciating pain that hospice couldn't get under control, I too was questioning how God could let him suffer so, when my husband had been through so much for so many years. It just didn't seem fair or right. And it was horrific for me to witness the man I loved, wither away after not eating for 41 days, and holler in pain.
To say that I was pissed at God would be an understatement. I found myself actually using the F word with Him, as I just couldn't understand why He would let my husband suffer so, and why I didn't feel His presence during that time.
It wasn't until several months after my husbands death, when I was talking to God one morning(as I do every morning)and asking Him where He was during my husbands dying process, and the visual that immediately came to my mind was the picture of the footprints in the sand.
It was at that point that I knew that even though I hadn't felt His presence during that time, that He was actually the One who had carried me through it all, as He has so many things in my life.
I cried and cried and asked Him to forgive me for doubting for one second that He wasn't with me or my husband during that terrible time.
So the morale of the story is to just keep on trusting the God who knows exactly what is going on with you and your dad, and know that He is carrying you both in His loving arms.
May God bless you and keep you.
When my father died he was ill for only a week and died. It was so much easier than watching someone constantly in pain waste away. People always say I am so lucky to still have my mother, but I don't have my mother. I have a shell of my mother.
It's not that he's dying - it's HOW he's dying that is so awful.