My 82-year-old grandmother lost a son to cancer 5 years ago. She requested all life sustaining measures even when the cancer returned and metastasized to his bones and brain. His brain swelled and she even had the doctors drill a hole in his brain to drain the fluid. He went to her home on hospice where he died a day later. She recounts the story today as if it were yesterday. She still doesn't sleep and is not over his death. He was 59.
Now, my mother is at the end of life at 59, multiple medical issues including cancer, but that is not the primary issue. She listed me as medical power of attorney. The youngest child of 3 age 39 and we discussed in detail what she did and did not want years before her sickness took over. She did not want all the life-sustaining measures her brother received and she did not want her mother to watch her die and carry the burden of her death like her brother.
My grandmother now wants to be by my mom's side all night in the event she passes away and she also wants to bring her to her home on hospice. All the things my mother did not want. My grandmother is angry at me saying I am keeping things from her and isn't really speaking to me.
How do I honor my mother’s wishes and still maintain a great relationship with my grandmother?
In your shoes, I would continue to honour my Mother's wishes.
I would seek grief counsellor/hospice nurse/pastoral care/faith leader - a professional in this area - have THIS person sit down & discuss things with Grandmother. Explain what Mother's wishes are. What is planned. Talk it through.
Maybe Grandmother will gain some new perspective.. or maybe not 😞. Either way, you will have removed yourself from conversations/disagreements about treatments & wishes. The difference of views is between your Mother & her Mother - I don't feel it is fair to you to be caught in that, or have to fix or smooth that. They are allowed to disagree. That Mother's plans do.not agree with Grandmother's wishes may cause her sadness, bit it could bring her pride - that her brave daughter has chosen her oath with knowledge & dignity.
Wishing you peace.
I cannot imagine losing a child, or losing 2 in 5 years. I grieve for my GM and even had the doctor review the scans and talk to her about how my mother made the decision to name me as POA to protect her. GM is used to making all of the decisions. What GM doesn't understand is that I am actually the one in my mother's immediate family to make all the pertinent decisions. I am the one my mother and brothers always call on.
Being a POA is not easy. Often the things we are called to do are not popular with extended family.
I think I would explain to GM that as your mother’s POA you are required to follow your mother’s instructions. That you understand how difficult it must be for her to know her daughter is dying but you must put your mom’s wishes ahead of your GM’s.
I would also watch for your mom’s reaction to GM’s presence. If possible let her reaction guide you. Is she glad to see her mom or is it stressful for her?
Do you need GM to help? Can she help in ways like running errands or doing laundry or making meals?
Realize that it is your mom’s situation that GM is really upset about. I am so sorry you are all going through this.
Yes, I have told her, my aunt and oldest brother have also told her my mother's wishes. GM made all of the decisions regarding my uncles care and it seems she feels slighted that she does not get to do the same for her daughter.
All of the focus is on my GM and what she wants.
I know this is such a difficult time, made even worse by grandma taking such a stance. Why is that 'loved ones' make our jobs SO MUCH harder by imposing THEIR WILL on us when we have a job to do that they disagree with? Makes things 1000x harder and more stressful than it has to be. Maybe grandma is suffering from dementia now and unable to step back and let you do as you must. Do what you have to do for mom, THEN worry about reviving the relationship with grandma. That's what I'd do. You can't do both things at once here w/o getting someone upset, so grandma is the one who has to lose out. The thought of doing to your mom what gma did to her son is absolutely unthinkable and cruel, and precisely why mom did not want her handling her end of life wishes.
Best of luck with such a difficult situation. Wishing you peace and Godspeed as you move forward.
Your number one job is to protect your mother from that same outcome. And you are doing the right thing. Grandma may or may not come around after mom passes and that is her choice.
Don't get into it with her, you have already explained to her what your mother's wishes are and I wouldn't keep explaining beyond a brief "no, that isn't what she wanted", then end the conversation. Hang up or leave the room if necessary, you don't need to fight, you can still be polite when you do that - "grandma I'm sorry but I won't discuss this any more, I'll see you later".
I'm coming back to ask about whether there is a hospice suite in the hospital or a hospice facility available to you? Being in a place that specializes in the end of life felt very different to me than being in a hospital setting. ((hugs))
The doctor recommended inpatient hospice as a next possible step so my siblings and I discussed it. My eldest brother immediately called grandma. Now grandma confronted my middle brother saying, "what's this I hear about hospice, I'm taking her home with me." This is a mess!
The doctors will speak with all of us at the same time today to discuss everything so we all hear it at the same time. Including palliative care.
One of the major issues is I had those hard conversations with my mother at least 2 years ago when she documented everything. Well before any major health concerns came up. I have served other families in my career having these same conversations and walking them through the grieving process.
It seems like none of my family spoke with her about the what ifs. Things may be a little different if mom told everyone I would be POA and what her wishes were so they wouldn't think I'm not making the right decisions.
Mom is conscious enough to nod and give short answers. I told them that I asked her again what her wishes were and she nodded with the same answers. I told them to ask her and they refuse to do so.
Hopefully this family meeting will clear things up.
Your Grandmother sounds a bit doty to me, that irregardless of her grief. She also sounds a bit self-centered, disregarding the wishes of her own daughter and the children of that daughter.
Honestly, I am sorry if this sounds tough, but you DID ask. You need to embrace the duty given you by your Mom and act EXACTLY as she directed you. Whether or not your grandmother still loves you doesn't figure in this. I shudder to imagine being your Mom, caught between a doty Mom and a questioning daughter. As an RN it makes me cringe.
I am terribly sorry for this grief, for all your Mom is and has been going through, and for your coming loss. I can only wish you the best, and the strength to embrace your duty to your Mom.
I grieve for my mother being in this position of not wanting to disappoint her mother, but have her child honor her wishes that are opposite of her mother's.
Grandma sounds like she wants to be the star of the show. A reap all the "grieving mother" kudos.
Your mom saw what her brother went through when her mother was running things and arranged for THAT not to be her fate.
Please don't think about your popularity with your family; think ONLY about what your mom told you she wanted.
And it's really unlikely she is hanging on for anything other than that the body does NOT give up easily. It can adjust to an unimaginable amount of insult.
Good for you for embracing your duty of protection for your Mom. As to grandma, I simply couldn't care less. I honestly have no use for people who allow others to be in torment because they cannot let them go. While I can sympathize a bit with her I cannot empathize. I cannot imagine putting a loved one through needless pain and torment.
Mom said she just wants to rest and I'm ensuring she does that. The process of dying is very complicated and I am assuming my family thought when the life sustaining medications were removed she would pass. This has not been the case. We are on day 3. Now they are hopeful that she will get better and leave the hospital. They are now requesting a feeding tube.
Oh boy, and then there was ONE. Now it's just me carrying out my mother's wishes. My middle brother has tapped out. He told us he doesn't care if we honor our mother's wishes or just do what our grandmother wants. He says it's too much for him.
The Lord has been my strength through all of this, but it's very hard and lonely to do the right thing.
I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way.
I think you need to become a boring broken record who says "this is what mom wants; this is what mom CHARGED me with doing. She recently confirmed this. This is not MY choice; it's hers."
Write that on an index card and keep it near your phone.
There are folks who believe that suffering is "good for the soul"; there are folks who are so fearful of death that they insist on fighting cancer despite terrible quality of life at the end. I doubt you can make anyone in your family see your mom's point of view, but get some materials from various hospice organizations and let them look at them.
So this is when you get to be the Bad Guy by doing what mom wants, and let the others cluck their tongues in response. They weren't tasked with the dreadful job you were, so it's easier for them to be the Armchair Critics and tell you what 'they would do' and what 'you are doing wrong.' You are simply carrying out mom's wishes, that's all, hard as it is to do.
Death is hard to deal with, hard to process, and the ensuing grief tends to come along with guilt and other assorted emotional baggage for the survivors.
Wishing you Godspeed with all you have to deal with, which includes a lot of grief of your own to process.
I learned some new things about the active role my mom played in caring for her brother during the end of his life. It sounded very traumatic for all involved. Mom played the role of nurse even administering his morphine.
They acknowledged that what she wanted and how she planned it sounds like something she would do because of what they all went through with her brother. They said none of them would be strong enough to make the hard decisions and she took care of all of them, especially those that are questioning everything.
Some even thanked me for being strong and acknowledged my mom knew what she was doing in appointing me POA. I explained exactly what she wanted down to the details of how she did not want my grandmother to watch her die. GM broke down and said how she's still not over her son's death from 5 years ago.
No one really had any questions, so only time will tell if they fully accept where we are right now and where we are going.
I have so many mixed emotions from grieving mom and how others crucified me that I can't even cry anymore. I think I'm in shock, but will fall apart at some point.
Thank you all so much ❤️
If by honoring your mother’s wishes, your great relationship with your grandmother suffers in the process, that’s one of the lousy miserable rotten things that happen when people get old.
There are some situations in dealing with the problems of the elderly where none of the possible choices yields a happy ending.
You’re caught in the middle of this tragedy, and your feelings count too.
Unless your mother wants to be brought home, she needs to be where she receives the best care, pain management, and simple comforts.
Please try to be kind and loving to yourself during this painful time. You are doing an amazing job.
It's not clear to me what your mom wants, though. Does she want to be in the hospital? Does she want to go back to her own home? Does she want hospice care in her own home rather than her mother's? It sounds like she does not want her mother by her side all the time.
Sit down with your mother and find out very specifically what she wants. If she has a living will, go over that with her. Ask your mother if she would like to talk to your grandmother about this. If she says yes, sit down with your grandmother and patiently and kindly explain to her what your mother wants and, if possible, why she wants it. You might want to say that the kindest thing she could do for her daughter is to honor her wishes.
If your mom is mentally competent and doesn't already have these documents, she may want a physician orders for life sustaining treatment (POLST) document, a DNR on her hospital chart and in her doctor's files, and to make sure it is clear that she doesn't want tube feeding or ventilation assistance.
This must be a very hard time for you. I wish you, your mother, and your grandmother the best.
(These are suggestions and not legal advice.)
I told everyone goodnight, including my grandmother around 9:40pm. I didn't see the nurse for our nightly chat to thank them and remind them of no overnight visitors.
I called the nurse around 10:20pm. The nurse told me my GM asked HER if she could stay the night. She replied, "let me check with her daughter to see if it's okay".
Excuse me, I spent the entire day with GM, not once did she tell me about this burning desire to be by moms side all night, which I explained to her in the family meeting goes against what mom wants.
At this point I'm getting angry because it feels like they are being malicious about everything. Showing up when I'm not there to slither in.
My GM didn't say much in the meeting so now I'm feeling my great-aunts are feeding things to her or GM just cannot accept everything that's going on. I'm thinking she may have some form of early onset memory issues. Of which I would love to help her with, but I am deeply hurt by all of this that has transpired.
This is typical of my GM, her sisters, & my entire family. No one in my family has ever had their affairs in order the way my mom does and this is so foreign to them. In death, everyone in my family has an opinion on "what the dying would have wanted". The mother takes charge and does what she wants with the advice of her sisters.
In this case, nearly 2 years ago mom told me what she wanted, wrote it down and made me POA to ensure it's done.
GM feels like she is supposed to make all the decisions and speak to all of the doctors. She interrupted a meeting I was having with a doctor saying "I have a right to know about what's going on with MY daughter."
I'm giving them lots of grace because they have never played the back seat before. Even my eldest brother who is adamant that he and my middle brother have a "say so". But this is really separating me from my family and not allowing me any space to grieve my own dying mother.
I was hoping things were getting better, but they are not. GM upset that I didn't personally call her to tell her mom was going to inpatient hospice as the doctor recommended. She was in the family meeting so we heard it at the same time.
Funny thing is, I did call her. I guess it wasn't when she wanted to know.
My aunt has cursed at my siblings and I saying we're treating my mom like a pet, we don't care about her and we didn't bother to ask her to take mom home.
3. My oldest brother states he is moving him and his wife into mom's home. Mom is still alive so I am sad about this. How could he be thinking about a house at this time, but he was upset that I called a funeral home for pricing to know what funerals actually costs so we're better prepared.
Please pray for me y'all. I'm going back home for a few days to celebrate my daughter's birthday tomorrow. I live in another state. I am so hurt, that my body won't even let me cry.
I carried out their last wishes to a tee, no exceptions. I committed, I followed through. If someone did not like it so be it.
I am nor one to get all worked up if someone does not like it, sorry they need to accept it and move on. I have done my duty.
Best wishes to you both.
Sorry, I had not read previous comments before I responded.
So sorry that you're going through this. I can only imagine how hard this is on you.
My husband is now worried about me because of the stress. He said he refuses to tell my daughter something happened to her mom because of this. She would be devastated.
Sorry about grandma’s insensitivity to your situation as this only makes it harder. I've been in your situation with siblings and mother, and was my dads POA.
It's not clear from this post if your mom is awake and talking at this point. If she's out of it, g'ma would probably just be in the room, sitting with the daughter she brought into this world. Grief and how we deal with dying is totally different from one person to another.
Another post said you sat with your siblings and g'ma to go over mom's desires and they had a better understanding. Just because you are medical POA does not mean you can't bend a little to help all of them 'let mom go' in their own way. And, of course, those who aren't privy to medical conversations that you have been involved with will have questions of their own. Help them to get these answers.
I think it's very possible for you to maintain relationships with all of the family and still carry out the things mom wants. It's also very possible that when mom gave these directives her wishes were to not burden these folks. Yet, if she could communicate now, knowing the family members want/need to be closer to her in the final days, she may understand they don't feel burdened at all and need this for their closure. Try not to be so 'in charge' that you can't see some of what they need, too.
Not being critical at all. Totally understand that you are trying to do what you were asked to do.
I needed to do it alone because I'm sad and her youngest and only daughter and I needed to pour my heart out from that place. I wouldn't be able to be that vulnerable in front of my family.
She confirmed her wishes again. When I told my family to speak with her, they refuse to do so.