My parents are both alive, in their early 90s. I've been chronically ill for five years after suffering a botched medical procedure, giving me a cerebral spinal fluid leak, and now have daily headaches. I worked all my life, but I grew up in a family of six (2 parents, 4 siblings) and I am the youngest, now in my 60s. I have lost my career, and friends due to my illness, and being isolated. I am now writing a Memoir, and reliving traumatic memories. Memories of being the only alcoholic in the family (I am 39 years sober), a brother who groped me sexually, another brother who bullied me every day by name calling, and a sister who resented the day I was born. When I became ill with the CSF leak, the headaches I suffered were debilitating and I literally thought I would die before getting medical help. No one in my family offered to take me to medical appointments. My eldest brother's ex-wife of 40+ years, who he despises, came into my life, again after 40+ years and she drove me to different states for specialist medical care. My elderly dad despises the lady and told her if she comes to his house, he was going to shoot her. My siblings and I have never been close, but they adore each other and are very close to each other. I have not spoken to my mother (or father) in 7 weeks. I know my brothers are at their home constantly; my sister lives in another State, and she visits often now as they are elderly. I believe the siblings are saying negative things of me to our parents, and have been gaslighting me. I know my parents gaslight me, as they've done it for decades. I received invitations in the mail to our parents 90th birthday parties, hosted by my siblings. I did not attend, as loud noises and bright lights increase my intracranial pressure, and I simply did not feel love from the family, so I stayed away. That was 2 & 3 years ago, during the height of my recovering from the actual leak. My father threatened me one day, five years ago, to never return to his house, using vulgar language at me. My siblings said I triggered him. But that is not true. My mother was offering me china tea cups and my father, who displayed aggressiveness I never saw, was angry saying I was after all the tea cups. I left the home, not to return for about 2 years. I refused any of the tea cups. The screaming at me caused something to happen in my brain, and I had double vision start that very night, a chronic issue with having a CSF leak. I was hospitalized the next day for stroke-like symptoms. I know I should seek a counselor, but my finances are very tight. I want to send my mother a letter and explain how hurtful the last five years have been, but I believe any letter will be shared, and the gaslighting will just increase. I don't feel safe calling either parent. When my one brother's current wife was messaging the past wife of 40 years, I was the topic of discussion. The current wife said very nasty things about me. I went to my parents home the next day, and confronted my father to ask if that was how he felt about me, how my sister-in-law described me. I left crying, and telling him I had always loved him. He wouldn't say he loved me back. I never returned to their home. That was over a year ago. I live less than 10 minutes away. The phone calls nearly stopped after that day, from my mother. I had poured out my feelings and my heart to them. Writing my Memoir, I believe, is helping me to find some kind of healing, but it is hard to get through the past trauma as I want to confront my mother, for her favoritism she always had shown, but so much more since I became chronically ill. I pray about this, but I don't know how to not think about the hurt, elderly or not, my parents have always been gaslighting, and now facing the truth has me heartbroken. My parents both have wills, my eldest brother being the Executor. I know my siblings want everything my parents own. I wonder how greed plays into the gaslighting. I owe myself some peace.
Even though it's a lot different than my disfuctional family, there are a lot of similarities.
I'm not sure where to even begin. So first thing I see is , you are and probably always have been the scapegoat in the family dynamics.
I know this because I am, I am learning disabled, my mom hid my disability, and taught me how to hide it and to be ashamed of it, not only that teased me for my mistakes, endlessly and still tries to.
I suspect one if not both of your parents are on the narssasist scale.
In my family my younger brother is the Golden child, once you figure out your family dynamics, writing your memo well even be better, and I think it will help with your hurt.
Next , you are doing the right thing having no contact with your parents. I made the mistake of going back into the folds of a very disfuctional family, when my dad died, to help mom. That was a humugus mistake.
I got very burntout , came here and throughout these 9 months I have learned so much , it may help you deal with the pain by being on here, it has helped me to accept my past, learn about myself, and to not feel alone , many of us here come from some form of disfuction.
As far as people in your family going back and forth talking about you. I GET it! Been there done that! I mistakingly told my golden child brother that I think moms getting some dementia, and I highly suspect he told her.
As far as the inheritance, for me, my golden brother name is all ready on the deed, but when the time comes, I am fully expecting that I'm going to walk, I want for nothing from that house, honestly, I don't even want a rock from there driveway.
Please stick around read things here , and let us know how things are going. ,
As far as how to heal, specially now in the last 9 months of being here and all I've learned.
The best way to get even with people that have wronged you, is to be HAPPY.
I'm sorry about your physical health, your mental health can get better, I am an example of that.
Best of luck.😔
As far as how greed plays into it. I suspect first comes narssasisim.
Also I am greatfull every day that I'm not like them, I'm a good caring person not a narcissist, I wouldnt change rolls with my golden child narcissistic brother, for nothing in the world. I'm happy I am who I am!
I’m so sorry about your situation . I had a narcissistic mother and 3/4 siblings are as well to varying extents .
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself . Try to find free or low cost counseling . Some universities have free counseling with grad students .
As far as inheritance , it’s not worth your mental health and it’s quite possible you would not get any anyway . Greed is common and wills get changed every day .
Keep your distance from these people , go no contact if you are able , you’ll be better off . My parents are gone now . It is sad , but I remind myself that it was worse when I was in contact with siblings .
Try to join an activity or senior club , try to build a family of friends .
I don't expect anything from them, and know when they pass someday, there will be three U Hauls or trailers backed up to their front door. Everything in their house triggers sad memories for me at this time in my life. I keep hoping maybe God will intervene and let my parents realize their children have lied about me, maybe all their lives, in order to alienate me from the family. I ask why, silently to myself, and find no answers except they want the parent's material possessions for themselves.
It's kind of ironic, because when I lived in NC a decade ago, my parents did visit me. My mother bought herself a delicate Cameo pin. About 3 or 4 years ago, I told my mother the only thing I ask of her is if she would let me have the Cameo pin someday, as it held sentimental value and meaning to me of a good memory. She gave me the little Cameo pin that day. That's all the material item I wanted, and I thank God I asked her about it when I did.
The siblings will never, ever understand that meaning. Someday I will wear it, but for now, I simply keep it in a little treasured box. I believe I am better off with no contact. I've tried to talk to my elderly parents in the past years, and I felt worse for doing so. I could feel the gaslighting, the non acceptance of being a part of the family.
I know I am Blessed these days. I think I forget how far I've come, and I mustn't let myself be pulled back into the toxicity of the family.
Thank you for sharing with me. I am so very grateful for your kindness.
We don't get to pick our birth families, but we do get to pick who we want to spend our time and our lives with, and often that is not our birth families. And that's ok. You now must do what is best for you and your mental and physical well being.
So continue to seek peace as we all deserve to have peace in our lives, and remember to "never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence."
If I were you, I would stop trying. You just get hurt over and over.
For your peace of mind, I may just walk away. Don't allow yourself to be continually abused. They are the ones losing out not you. When they come running for help, refuse them. Please no turning the other cheek. If you feel that writing Mom is theraputic to you do it. Just don't expect anything in return. Sounds like Mom may be a victim here too. Dad seems to be in control. Just writing the letter and not sending may make you feel good. Writing down how you feel is suppose to be a therapy on its own.
Thank you for sharing with me. It means so very much to me. Thank you.
I will be honest with you here. I think that there is no help for you, nor will there be, from a family this dysfunctional. I think that I would avoid them at all costs.
May I ask you a few questions?
Are you currently on disability? Can that sustain you? Do you receive Medicaid? Do you live alone and are you able to function on the funds you receive? Is there any reason that you must stay in contact with this family? Are you dependent on them in any way for a place to live or financially for funds?
Do you require a group home or other living conditions and have you a social worker who helps you in applying for what you need to sustain yourself.
I understand fully what you are saying about the writing of memoir or diary or such like and its tendency to bring it all back. I think, in fact, that this can be dangerous when there is such VERY severe abuse in your history, without have the guidance of a GOOD therapist while you do this. And I mean GOOD: none of this online nonsense. They don't get paid a thing, and are worth even less.
I worry for you if you are going into memoir; it can create tremendous pain, and with your ongoing trauma to the brain you cannot afford that whole cortisol-feed that occurs.
The chronic pain of your headaches is cause enough for trauma an depression.
Can you tell me all about your medical team and what support you get from them?
I wish you the best. I couldn't be sorrier for what you are going through. To have a family this dysfunctional is horrific enough, but to have also the physical onslaught you have suffered has to seem about as unfair as it gets.
My heart goes out to you.
First, thank you for replying and for your kindness and compassion in doing so. I've struggled for five years with my disability of intracranial pressure. I receive disability but will be considered "retired" age very soon, so it will switch over automatically. I do no receive any Medicaid and live solely on my SSDI. I've wanted to try and go back to part-time work, even attempted house cleaning for a friend, but only caused more harm to my brain, vision, dizziness. I wouldn't try online therapists, as I simply don't believe in their process. I've tried counseling with a social worker a few years ago, but just couldn't feel a bond, it felt like I was simply paying her to listen to me. My only support is my son, he's in his 30s and unmarried, and has been my angel on earth. He is such a wonderful young man. He is alienated from the family, as well. They simply don't have a thing to do with him, and he has a heart of gold- helps strangers, works for a great small business, and is an avid nature walker. There is no reason, at all, that I must remain in contact with my elderly parents or siblings. I use to travel for my job, but settled down and bought a house in 2017. Shortly thereafter, I was injured on the job, and a doctor required I undergo a medical procedure to determine the extent of my nerve damage from the injury. I was left with chemical meningitis and intracranial headaches. They are better today, but for about four years I thought I would literally die from a stroke as I had episodes of severe pain. Otherwise, I have no support system. I get triggered by large crowds, such as a super market, so I must go at times I know people will be less, or my son does the shopping for me. My adult son lives with me, and I have two dogs that provide unconditional love beyond my imagination. My son is seldom home, he is into walking in the woods, hunting, and spending time with his friends. He had a traumatic brain injury when he was only 16, his dad (my ex) cut a tree (chainsaw cut) and it landed on our son's back / neck. His life was saved by emergency surgery. He's alright these days, but it was extremely traumatic. I was living in an abusive relationship with a man at the time (no my ex), but thankfully I left that relationship.
I understand what you mean by a good therapist. I live in a rural area, but I will search again for one. My PCP gave me a list about a year ago, but the therapists listed were not what I felt I truly needed. I don't ask my son for support money, as it is my mortgage, and I could not live here without his help. He does so much to help me, and is concerned if I overdo, even in the flower garden. He'll give me money when he can, but I simply don't expect it. He doesn't make that great of income, his love in helping me far out measures anything. My medical team was in NC, several states away, that truly helped me start recovery. I have PCP who knows of my past medical, and we've tried a new medication, but my body simply did not tolerate the side effects, so I live with headaches every day of my life. They are just so much better than before, so I am grateful. I know how bad I was and have accepted I may never heal or recover fully.
I started the Memoir because I thought maybe I could help somebody else someday. I've been able to have a faith I never had. Much of my past is heartache to me, and I just thought maybe I could help someone else find faith and hope.
But writing brought back trauma, and a new feeling of unresolved issues of inner pain from elderly parents and how they favored the three oldest children. About 7 years ago, my parents invited my sister (and her boyfriend) to go on a cruise with them. Everyone in the family knew, except me, that they had gone on a cruise. I was working on an assignment job. It was so hurtful to see photographs of the four, that is how I learned.
I am so grateful for your reply, please know I thank you with all my heart, and I am simply grateful.
Accept and love YOURSELF enough to kick toxic people to the curb. It's never wrong to expect others to treat you right. You deserve that.
Best of luck to you.
You are stepping away for the good of all. You may need some professional guidance and it will take some work to get back on track with yourself but you’ve put up with a lot so I know you are strong.
I never heard the comment "swirling whirlpool" and it hits me as a perfect description. I do stay away from my elderly parents, as I know they will never change their feelings, or way of thinking of me, and it's only because I read spiritual books every morning, and trust in God that it is best for me to stay away from them. They are elderly, and although I want to confront them, I know I can not because of their elderly age and I would only hurt myself more by confronting them. The Memoir brings up so much trauma memories, and I know I must be careful, as writing it, I find myself such weeping at times because I never did anything about what was happening when it was happening. I blamed myself for that, and I know, now, that was wrong to do. I wasn't strong in those days, now being strong, it's simply too late to say anything. Therefore, I do think the writing is helpful, and I believe, and mostly hope, that after it is completed, I can even publish it. I want to help others who go through this. There were days I didn't want to live anymore, I was so sad about not being a part of my parents lives, and yet for the Grace of God, I knew I was not alone in the world, that other people suffer from dysfunctional families. I didn't want to be a statistic, I wanted to love myself back to health, holistic health. I am so grateful for this forum and the people sharing. I feel a peace that I have not felt in a very long time, a feeling of being loved. Thank you Peasuep for sharing with me.
blame for the past - that is not mine to comment on, but only healing for the future - which I wish for you all.