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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Get a BIG stamp that says PAID IN FULL... Stamp all receipts "PAID IN FULL" and show those to him. Some people need that visual. And older people are more apt to "believe" something that says "paid" rather than look at a receipt that looks pretty much the same as the bill with little lettering that says...auto payment received. Or full payment will be deducted on... (by the way hide the stamp so he can not find it.)
My mom obsessed over deadlines and bills and gas in the car, etc. I created a white board calendar and put the bills and paid beside them. She kept it in her bathroom so she could see it. Since I had the bills on autopay, it was easy to go in and update the paid date. After a while, it stopped bothering her but she didn’t want me to take the board. When I put the same info on paper, she lost the paper and we looked for it. The white board was better for her.
My 90-year-old mom who has dementia is very focused on her estate accounts and bills. Every month I review all her finances with her, but she does not remember. Her new memory is almost gone. Sometimes she asks me about her accounts on a daily basis. What I do every month is put her monthly invoices marked "paid", and her estate accounts statements in a clipboard. Every time she asks. I tell her to look at the clipboard and sometimes I show her the paid bills. It gives her comfort. Of course, now she is forgetting about the clip board and where she puts it. So, I hide it and when she asks, I tell her where it is. It seems to give her comfort. I also do not worry if I have not time to change the statements every month because she can't tell which month it is about 50% of the time. I hope that you find a solution and I wish the best.
I came here to say the exact thing that @Moxies just wrote:
If you simply can't get dad to understand that the bill is already paid, sit down with him, and write a check for the amount as he watches (then secretly void the check). Address envelope, put voided check in, pretend to stamp it, and walk out to mailbox to pretend to mail it.
It's a long shot but maybe this charade will ease his mind about that one bill on which he is fixated. Good luck.
You have to learn how to ignore with love. Show him the proof of the bill being paid a couple of times then let that be the end of it. Do not take any more questions about it. Do not show the proof again. Ignore the repeating and do not allow any further discussion about it. Your father's behavior is common for people with dementia. You must ignore the topic of a dementia loop. It is the only way to possibly break a person out of one. You answer a couple of times and then that's it. Try distracting him with something else. It may work, it may not. You'll just have to ignore with love. It's the only way.
Why not try CBD Gummies. My husband has gotten great relief from delusions regarding imaginary things/tool that he has left behind and jobs he has to get finished. We can tell when the dose is wearing off in about 4 hours and his anxiety begins to return. It takes about 15 min. for the comforting effect and then he returns to his usual confused but cheerful self.
Often dementia or a confused / changing brain doesn't respond to logic.
You need to focus on his emotions and feelings (I know you are wanting / thinking you are doing this by showing him PAID invoices).
Perhaps along the lines:
I know you are very responsible paying your bills. You are paying your bills and I will always assist you in doing so. I appreciate how concerned you are. It is important to acknowledge (reflective listening) his words back to him: Yes, your concern of paying your bills is very legitimate.
Calming him might only happen when you change the subject to shift his mind / fears to something calming.
Try any approach that 'sticks' or works. And, any approach may change with each passing day.
He might 'just' need something else to occupy more of his time, i.e., tv, a book, a puzzle, knitting (?) painting, going in the garden or to a park. Fill up his time with different experiences. See if this helps.
Many older people get on a repetitive roll of comments. Acknowledging their concern and moving on (distractions) seems to be the best most of us can do.
Hi Carrie, I went through something similar with my own dad during his last few months. He always paid his bills on time but sometimes he was anxious. He would never allow autopay- he was very much old school- so what I ended up doing was calling whatever company he paid and letting their automatic system read off the balance, which was always zero since he paid by check well within the payment window. That always made him feel less anxious. Maybe you could do the same thing and put the call on speakerphone so dad can hear it with you. If you do this, I suggest that you call ahead first on your own just to make sure the payment has posted to his account. Good luck to you.
CarrieP: Sometimes an elder will be unable to handle financials. My late mother used her town's bookkeeper to balance (NOT) her checkbook. The bookkeeper was off by $659 FOR TEN MONTHS. My mother stated "She'll get it right on month number eleven." My response - "No, she is finished; she doesn't get eleven chances; she either balances or amends the financials on the first month" That was absurd.
You can mark the bill paid IN BLACK MARKER for your father.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Stamp all receipts "PAID IN FULL" and show those to him.
Some people need that visual. And older people are more apt to "believe" something that says "paid" rather than look at a receipt that looks pretty much the same as the bill with little lettering that says...auto payment received. Or full payment will be deducted on...
(by the way hide the stamp so he can not find it.)
Even if the logic of the word doesn't.
If you simply can't get dad to understand that the bill is already paid, sit down with him, and write a check for the amount as he watches (then secretly void the check). Address envelope, put voided check in, pretend to stamp it, and walk out to mailbox to pretend to mail it.
It's a long shot but maybe this charade will ease his mind about that one bill on which he is fixated. Good luck.
For him, just seeing the bill with "Paid", and the date and amount on there would be fine.
Your father's behavior is common for people with dementia. You must ignore the topic of a dementia loop. It is the only way to possibly break a person out of one. You answer a couple of times and then that's it.
Try distracting him with something else. It may work, it may not.
You'll just have to ignore with love. It's the only way.
(0)
As long as it works - any moment of 'cheerful' 'confusion' or confused cheerfulness is a blessing.
You need to focus on his emotions and feelings (I know you are wanting / thinking you are doing this by showing him PAID invoices).
Perhaps along the lines:
I know you are very responsible paying your bills.
You are paying your bills and I will always assist you in doing so.
I appreciate how concerned you are.
It is important to acknowledge (reflective listening) his words back to him:
Yes, your concern of paying your bills is very legitimate.
Calming him might only happen when you change the subject to shift his mind / fears to something calming.
Try any approach that 'sticks' or works. And, any approach may change with each passing day.
He might 'just' need something else to occupy more of his time, i.e., tv, a book, a puzzle, knitting (?) painting, going in the garden or to a park. Fill up his time with different experiences. See if this helps.
Many older people get on a repetitive roll of comments.
Acknowledging their concern and moving on (distractions) seems to be the best most of us can do.
Gena / Touch Matters
You can mark the bill paid IN BLACK MARKER for your father.
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