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I am honestly at my wits end. My mom is 88 and my dad is 90. They live in a two story home with the primary bedroom being upstairs and no full bath downstairs. Mom has lost all interest in bathing, cooking, cleaning, going to church… all the things she used to do all the time. Definite signs of dementia but the hard part is now that I am trying to help them get into an older adult living community she is resistant. My dad wants to, but he tries to keep the peace so he goes along with what she says. Any help or advice?

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You can try a therapeutic fib to get her there, but your Dad needs to go along with it. He picks out a facility that has a continuum of care (so that they never have to move again). He tells her that their house needs some important repair work (electrical or plumbing) that will take a while so they'll both be going to a temporary apartment. Then you move them in (with the admins knowing the plan, they have seen it all and will be happy to play along).

You do not need to tell your Mom anything until they day they move.

I'm hoping your parents have assigned PoAs... if not this is a guaranteed problem when trying to manage their future care and affairs.
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Reply to Geaton777
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There is no reasoning with dementia.
You will not convince anyone here of anything at all.
It is useless to attempt to and I would imagine your attempts have gone on long enough now for you to have an inkling of that.
Let me ask you if you are POA for these two? Or for even your father?
At some point you and your Dad need the hard talk. Your mother needs a diagnosis from her doctor (perhaps a neuro-psyc consult). You may want to have this talk with Dad and her doctor if HE is POA or only next of kin.

She will not agree to the placement.
If her AGREEMENT is the only circumstance where this is to be done
then this WILL NOT BE DONE, and given that you will have to make other plans.
That may include getting home care in home. If there is not income for that then a reverse mortgage would be good here. It would perhaps sustain these two in their home while they live out their lives, then be paid off when they enter care, and the proceeds pay for the care.

There are some options here FOR THE FUTURE because for now they are not going anywhere until a crisis comes. And it WILL.
The options for their future greatly depends on their assets and what the future brings.
I would buy yourself an hour of time with an Elder Law Attorney or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to talk through the facts, the assets, the future and present options.

I sure do wish you the best. You are right where so many on this Forum are. When my brother got Lewy's dementia and made me his POA/Trustee I was SOOOO relieved that after talking and exploring the options he agreed with me that ALF was best for him, because any disagreement with an elder moving into aging and dementia is a no win situation with a whole lot of grief on all sides.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Kuhlmania 12 hours ago
thank you so much. I really appreciate your insight and suggestions. I am the power of attorney for my mom (after my dad of course) and my dad is fully on board but doesn’t want to create waves with my mom so he lets her have her way.

it’s so hard to make these decisions…. It feels like I’m the bad guy. 😕
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OP your profile says "“I am caring for my mother Michelle who is 58 years, living in independent living with age related decline". Now mother is 88 and in a two-story house. If you are for real, please could you sort this out consistently!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Kuhlmania 12 hours ago
I am not sure what you’re talking about. This is the first time I have posted a question in the forums.
My parents are self-sufficient in their two-story home. Clearly, I maybe didn’t answer some things correctly, but I don’t believe there’s any reason to be rude.
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You won’t convince mom of anything, don’t try again, just frustrating to you both. Talk privately with dad, and hopefully get his cooperation, helping him see they cannot continue in this unsafe environment. If he will cooperate you’ll likely be able to move them both. Use as many lies as needed. An assisted living director can guide you on ways to make this happen and advice from an elder care attorney is always valuable
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Kuhlmania 12 hours ago
Thank you for your comment. My dad is fully on board. He just likes to keep the peace as she can be a bit combative… Not physically, but I’m sure you understand.
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Margaret, when filling out the Profile Page it can be somewhat confusing regarding age, as the OP thinks AgingCare is asking their age, not that of their parent/other. Also, many do not realize that "independent living" is for a senior living facility, as it sounds like one is living in their own home. Wish AgingCare would clarify those questions.
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Reply to freqflyer
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We found a good independent living place where they could get in-home graduated care. She would see through all of that unfortunately. She’s cognitively aware … it’s just a challenge because it feels like she’s being a petulant child at times.
I do have power of attorney.

Thank you for your helpful counsel. I appreciate it.
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Geaton777 7 hours ago
Even as PoA you cannot force someone who is resistant. Your Dad is the one who needs to be convinced to go. Then she will follow.
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