How do I convince my mom to take a shower?

Question

How do I convince my mom to take a shower?

Follow

Share

We are paying for shower assist, but my mother refuses to comply. Because of “patient rights” she can do that. She says she showers every other day but the soap I put in the shower 3 months ago is in the same spot and you can read the brand on the soap. With the warmer weather, she is starting to stink more and more. Staph infections become a big problem now. Any advice?

Bathing Poor Hygiene Refusing Care

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

27 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

With dementia at play, elders usually hate taking showers bc something is frightening them. They're cold, or afraid of the water spray (So a hand held unit can be helpful at this point), or slipping etc. For my mother, she was insisting the shower floor was slippery no matter what anti slip devices were put down for her. So I bought her a pair of water shoes on Amazon and the problem was solved, thankfully. They can also incorrectly recall having showered yesterday when in reality it's been a month since their last wash up! 😐 Its a good idea to see if you can find out what mom is afraid of, and try to remedy the situation for her. Teepa Snow is a dementia expert who has YouTube videos with specific techniques to use to coax an elder into the shower, check them out. It's all about gaining their trust and confidence so they'll agree to let you help them get clean.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. They talk about showers specifically in the booklet as well.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck to you

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

You say mom is in Assisted Living.
I think it might be time for a move to Memory Care.
The staff in MC are much more able to get compliance from residents simply because they know how to deal with dementia.
If you do not want to move her to MC then the Shower aide has to be a bit more "forceful" with her. By forceful I do not mean physical force but by starting the conversation differently.
If she is saying "Maggie, do you want to take a shower now?" this is giving mom the option of saying "NO"
If she says "Maggie, I have the shower ready, let's go". this is a statement NOT a question and Maggie may be more apt to comply.

Just make sure that "Maggie" feel safe and comfortable.
A shower chair or bench.
Grab bars
Warm room
Not a lot of noise. the aide should talk to "Maggie" in quiet tones, not yelling over the sound of the water. If possible turn off the water after wetting her and while soaping/washing.
the head and torso are "sensitive" areas where a person feels vulnerable. If there is a shower wand let "Maggie" have control so she can direct where the water goes. Start at the feet an work up.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

I made Fridays shower day if he didnt want to do it Monday I would say " Friday Morning " and It got done .

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You're not going to be able to convince your mother to take a shower, so let that one go.

If the workers in the facility won't shower her, then is there a reason that you can't do it?

My mother lives with me and would never shower ever again if I tolerated it. She gets a shower every Saturday because this is a dictatorship, not a democracy. I tell her that we can make it pleasant or we can make it unpleasant but it's getting done.

I turn the heat up to sweat level and sit her on a shower chair and ignore her protests.

So my advice is to put on some shorts and a t shirt and get in there with her if you have to. It shouldn't take long. I can scrub my mother down and wash her hair in just a few minutes.

Peace.

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

I don't like the shower because it is so slippery. I have to hold onto the wand and wash myself with the other hand. This is so awkward that I don't do it. The floor is very slippery and I am afraid of standing up. Does your mother have any problems like this? Ask her what you can change. You have to ask her.
I lived in an RV for 2 years and didn't shower. If I felt dirty, I washed with a wash cloth. No showering is not the end of the world.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

No showering may not be the end of your world, but it is unhygienic and those around you may be too embarrassed to tell you that you’re smelling. Wipes are better than nothing but they can’t replace a good shower once a week at least.

Lack of showering or bathing is often a first indicator that there is a possibility of dementia onset. If you’re scared of slipping but have all your mental faculties… you know there are shower seats and grab bars to be installed that can greatly reduce any risk of falling. Keep a phone in the bathroom so you can easily call for help if you need it.

(2)

Report

I recently read an example of a man with dementia who would only shower when it was time to get his hair cut because he looked forward to going to his female barber. It was suggested to schedule other events or get his hair trimmed more often and that helped. Perhaps try to find things she would consider special and it may encourage her to want to shower more often. I know I often let myself go an extra day if I know I am going to be at home all day. Those with dementia are not able to realize how many "extra days" it has been since their last shower.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

There are excellent body wipes available that work super well. Since my mother had incontinence pads, “parts” got washed frequently with changes. Dry shampoo, VO5 to oil the hair down, etc. help.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Like many with Alzheimer’s, mom does not like to shower. I pay a friend to help shower mom. I re-introduce the friend to mom every time. The friend is a very experienced and kind caregiving; prior to the shower she holds mom’s hand and talks to her in a very soothing tone. We then proceed with the shower. Even though mom gets increasingly angry during the shower…it’s over in about 20 minutes (including drying and dressing her), and her anger subsides in about 30 minutes.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I read this problem on the forum a lot. When my partner was completely disabled by ALS we had to find another way to bathe him. I would take a warm wash cloth and use a mild soap to hit the important bits and then a different warm wash cloth to wipe it all off. Will she tolerate that instead of a full shower?

I also have an autistic brother who has sensory issues. Shower water is one of them. Sometimes, rather than forcing him to stand under the stream which can be distressing for him I will sit him on a shower chair and use the hand held attachment on low. That seems to help.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

My mother with Alzheimer's refused showers as well. They just get very scared being completely naked in the shower. I would soap up a wash cloth and hand it to her and instruct her to wash certain parts. Or I would do it for her. I would not completely undress her--just the parts I was washing. For the hair, I would have her lean over the kitchen sink fully clothed, give her a towel to hold over her face, and I would wash her hair. She also had no problem going to the salon and leaning back in the salon sink. But the shower, no way. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Start with warm room, LO gets soft warm washclotb and soft drying towel after #1 accident. No #2 incident! We live in cold (northern exposure) environment.

(0)

Report

Seek counsel and bd calm and sweet. Most of all don’t force and maybe go out for coffee and dessert and asked her why she doesn’t like showing maybe she fell before or saw someone fall and is fearful. Or had a very bad experience with someone in the passed whom assisted her. If that doesn’t work then go for counseling. It’s a reason behind every issue.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Maybe she needs a soft wash cloth. Maybe her skin is sensitive at this stage. Water temperature may not be set right for her and the water could be too hard. Change the shower cap to light water coming out

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

u can purchase the stickies of mat so parent won’t fall

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I don’t think her mom has Dementia. I didn’t see that was stated. Either way everyone’s scared to fall in the Shower. Try to have a bar handle installed, stickie or the rubber rub make everything safe and secure u may have to show and tell.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

From op profile:

I am caring for my mother Sandra, who is 86 years old, living in assisted living with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, cancer, diabetes, and hearing loss.

(3)

Report

Sometimes those assisted living places others lie. Sometimes they don’t have patients and if the person if a patient resist they just let it go and leave the patient and go to the next.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Assisted living people ALP like hospital.personnel cannot force any service (vaccine shots) on anyone. While in costco parking lot, a shoppingcart pdrson told me not to treaf my wife/LO nicer(LO is sundown being combative and uncooperative). I let her go in parking lot and told him to take careof her. LO folloaed me instead. Typical lof with lots of activity. Minimum outdoor activity now! LO is a wanderer as well.

(1)

Report

One area at a time. Daily wash face, (micro fiber disposable soap impregnated cloths) wash hands, check nails, wash feet, wash bottom. I recommend sitz bath after bowel movement. Make it all as warm as possible. Towels heated in dryer and placed in cooler bag till ready to use. Highly recommend using a “lets get it done” approach. Set the scene like its going to happen. Get clothing ready, etc. Focus on the process then smoothly into “ok lets get started”. If answer “No”. Negotiate: “Ok, lets get the face and hands real quick” and move like it’s happening. Each no, move to next item. If compliant, “well lets go ahead and do those hands. Make it a routine. My mother hated getting her hair wet in shower, but tolerated the beauty parlor. Directed staff to leave hair as is and focus on body wash. Scheduled weekly appt with hairdresser: wash, blow dry only no set not hairspray.
Did everything work? Maybe 5% in alternate days? 2%?
Hope for small solutions:)

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Her mother lives in assisted living, and it's a paid aide trying to do the showering. Unfortunately, a lot of your otherwise-helpful and thoughtful suggestions are no going to be possible, like heating the towels in the dryer,

(0)

Report

I have had the same issue. With Mom, I needed to start talking about a week ahead of time every day and make sure to talk about often. Acknowledge any of her feelings and tell her you feel the same way too BUT you know it the healthy thing to do. I also made sure to attach a positive association with it so we talked about during her snack times with chocolate!! So by the time it came closer to that time she didnt react to the idea and it had become a "normal" topic of everyday conversation. Hope this works because it works with my Mom and I use the same principle on any new activities.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

When it got too scary getting in and out of the shower we would wash the Mrs. sitting on the commode. We’d Undress one part of her at a time, wash, dry and re-cloth her so she wasn’t too cold. We used extra towels, and a heater. still she complained sometimes but we did the best we could. letting her go without showering is unacceptable.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You do a sponge bath.
You do not provide enough information for us to intelligently reply:
* Does she live alone?
* Is she in a nursing home / facility?
* Has she been tested for dementia?
* Does she have SIGNS of dementia?
* Does she have caregivers / assistance?
* How often do you / other family members visit?
* How does she do otherwise [around the house].

Research bathing and older people. This is not unusual behavior.
The question is why.
You need to understand how her brain chemistry is changing.

That you've waited until there is a staph infection is a major red flag.
Clearly, your mother is not getting the care she needs.
This concern needed to be managed months ago.

Perhaps it is time she is placed although she might be already (your comment 'patient rights') - Insist on a sponge bath. If she resists, ask MD about medication management (to calm her down) so a care giver can clean her appropriately.

Gena / Touch Matters

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Op did not say her mom has a staph infection from lack of showering. What she said was, "Staph infections become a big problem now."

(3)

Report

Get your mom into Memory Care Assisted Living where the caregivers have lots of experience showering elders with dementia. My mother was afraid of the "slippery" shower floor, and falling, so I bought her a pair of water shoes from Amazon which did the trick. The awesome caregivers were able to shower her from then on 2x a week with no issues. You have to get to the root of WHY mom doesn't want to shower, and what skills the caregivers have to coax her into the shower. The 2 together should solve the problem otherwise mom will need Skilled Nursing care where her wheelchair will be wheeled directly into the shower stall to get the task completed.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Showers are discussed in the booklet as well.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck to you!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Ask the staff to "freshen her up" daily - sponge bathe her bottom and under her arms. Ask if they can approach bathes as a "spa day" to make bathing special - candles, music, scented lotion afterwards... She may enjoy this so much that she will ask for more "spa days".

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

This seems to be the question of the year! I have to spend quite a bit of time gently coax my mom into the shower. She refuses to get in due to being petrified of falling, the water being too cold or too hot for her, and the shower/tub being slippery. I bought a shower chair for her, and she still gets frightened. I believe it's the fear of losing her ability to do things on her own.

I would suggest getting the antiseptic wet ones wipes. That's what I give my mom to use on the days I can't get her to shower.

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Get her a pair of water shoes on Amazon....a LIFE SAVER! She'll never be scared of slippery shower floors again😁

https://www.amazon.com/DigiHero-Quick-Dry-Exercise-Waterproof-Included/dp/B083NFJH44/ref=is_sr_s_dp_4?crid=32KROPTBLL00&keywords=water+shoes+for+women&qid=1685138632&sprefix=Water+shoes%2Caps%2C327&sr=8-6

(3)

Report

Hard to believe, I know, but our caregiver - who was about 30 at the time - actually got into the shower with my sister and they showered together!!! I was both impressed and touched by her willingness to do this. On a lighter side, my husband would tease my sister and tell her that if she didn't take a shower, he would tie her to the rack of our car and take her through the carwash! Then, we would tell Alexa to play "At the Car Wash"! I would get my sister up and dancing with me to this tune. Seriously, though, we adapted over time in many of the ways previously suggested. I do think that my sister took more baths in her earlier life, which we didn't continue to do because of the difficulty in getting her in and out. Wishing you lots of patience and wisdom as you go through this journey.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

So, I was direct with my Mom. I told her that she stunk. I also told her that I didn’t care how many times she had taken a bath that day, she was to take the bath when they came. I also told the nurses to contact me if me mom refused to take a bath. One night I came outside my usual time and told my mom that she had to take a bath. She said she had already taken one. I told her to take another one. She did.

From what I can piece together, because of the memory loss, my Mom would refuse to do something because she thought she had done it already. This not only applied to baths. It also applied to her medicine/vitamins and snacks. She also tells me occasionally that they didn’t give her breakfast or lunch. Sometimes she thinks that they didn’t feed her for days. Yet if you hand her a cookie or fruit, she says she is full.

I’ve taken the tactic of, if the nurses give you the pills, just take it. If the caregivers come to give you a bath, just take it.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I just recalled when my father was in a nursing home, we learned he began refusing showers because they were always given on the overnight shift since there was less for the aides to do. An aide privately told me if the family requested not to wake him up and showers only be given during the day or evening maybe he would cooperate more. That worked! He had a lot of trouble sleeping and he hated being awakened at 4-5am to take a shower then try and get back to sleep afterwards.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Ddrabik61: Perhaps your mother requires memory care facility living. Not showering is a common problem in a lot of elders, e.g. they may fear the water - sometimes not knowing what it is that is hitting their body, fear of falling, loss of olfactory sense and thinking that the 'bird bath' method does the job.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I'm new, and have a little of a back story, but I've overcome some of the shower issues. I recently took over caretaking of my younger brother. Early onset dementia diagnosed at age 64. I lived in a small apartment, he was in Hawaii living with a so-called friend who apparently was not a caregiver. She removed all contacts from his phone and destroyed the quick help card I'd made with all family information. She spent his money, and would send him to the hospital when he became too much of a bother. She was gaslighting him, and he was easy prey. He could not manage his meds or any personal business whatsoever. He had fecal incontinence (which turned out to be lactose intolerance and is under control). I was able to get around her by having an Advanced Care Directive executed, and speaking with all relevent health care and social workers.. He was eventually discharged to me in California, minus his passport, debit card, EBT card and all important papers which neither the police nor social worker could find when they went to her home to pack his bag. He had lost weight, his clothes were ill-fitting and badly soiled. He couldn't walk. And he smelled horrific. That was in October 2022. He's graduated from a walker on day one, to a 4-pronged cane in week three, to walking on his own, sometimes using the cane if we go out (which is seldom). We moved in February 2023 to much larger and appropriate quarters. He has his own bathroom, and he cleans it! He can wash himself now, when I bribe him with fresh linens, which he loves. 3 days without a shower is the limit here (barring an accident) and I will hope to close that gap as the summer ensues. I try to engage him daily, and being on cardiac meds he sleeps often. Since we've moved he stays awake more. He is mobile and says he's not in pain, but his gait is a bit "stiff" and he shuns exercise. He has improved in all areas except hygiene and selecting his clothing for the day. We have every bath accessory known to man and I encourage him to use them. On the other hand, I've asked him not to enter the shower without me to "spot him" and for the most part, he complies. Still, I have not gotten to the root of the problem even though I've asked outright. Basically, one day is like another and he doesn't remember his last shower. One has to keep trying!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

How do I convince my mom to take a shower?

27 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions