How do I deal with a controlling daughter-in-law?

What was the agreement you all had when you bought the home together?

We need more details in order to help you.

So sorry that you are hurting and that you reside in a tension filled home.

There is always more than one side to a story.

Can you identify the problem?

Are you capable of seeing the other person’s viewpoint?

Are they capable of seeing your views?

Would you rather live elsewhere?

Are they sorry that you sharing the home?

Best wishes to you. It’s miserable to feel like an outsider.

Agree that more details are necessary. Regardless, if you feel like you can't talk to them about the tension and situation by yourself, maybe invite someone who is calm and logical to mediate a family discussion, or use a therapist to mediate. A mediator will be objective and cut through the emotional junk to get to the core of the problem. Peoples' willingness to accept their roles and change behaviors will ultimately dictate if anything will improve. If not, sell your share and move out.

I think that this kind of arrangement rarely is as satisfactory in reality as we think it will be. Maybe you had a wonderful relationship with your mother in law, but even if you did imagine what it would have been like to share your home with her while you were raising your family... it will take a lot of deliberate effort to establish a daily pattern that works for everyone.

Looks like now in retrospect that this idea of moving in together wasn't such a good idea after all huh?
Surely you had some idea of how your daughter-in-law was before you agreed to move in with her right? Did you think she would actually change once you were all under the same roof?
So let this be a lesson learned, and as already said if you can't come to some kind of civil agreement that will allow you to be anywhere in the house you'd like(obviously not your son and daughter-in-laws bedroom though)and that you are made to feel comfortable in your own home, sell your share and get the heck out of Dodge.
It really NEVER is a good idea to move in with your children. You are only asking for trouble if you do.
Hoping you can now do what is best for you.

I agree, you had to have known how DIL was. I know for sure that my MIL would not have lived with my SIL by marriage. She is a very take control person and her way is best. Good for a Military wife but a little much for civilian life.

I agree, tell them you want your money back because you are finding another place to live.

Grandma1954 July 29, 2023 2:00 pm
Wow
If you can get yourself out from "their" house.
You may have invested in it but it is not "your" house.
If you can afford to get a small condo, apartment of your own do so.
They can buy out your portion, if they can not afford to do that there are options. If you have the financial means to do so that might be your son's inheritance and you can quit claim your portion. (might be problematic if you need to apply for Medicaid later on) Or if you need the money that may force the sale of the house.

Or
Since this is a shared house stop living in your room and begin to take ownership of your rights as a part owner.

I think rarely does it go well with 2 women in the same house.

A few people have accused me of being controlling. What they really mean is that their idea of what to do where and how to do it, differs from yours.

For instance, she wants certain things (e.g. spatula) exactly in a specific slot in the drawer whereas for you, that spatula can go anywhere in the drawer. She doesn't like dirty tissues on the floor, you could care less whether it hits the floor first or not. After you eat a meal, you leave the dishes and the pots and pans in the sink. She wants it "out of sight" or cleaned immediately. She removes lint out of the dryer when the clothes are removed out of the dryer; you do not. The scent of perfume or certain fruits make her gag and you love those fruits and would like to have them out on the counter. She can smell you coming and way after you leave; you bathe each day and say you have have no scent.

Basically, you cannot make the changes to live compatibly with her and she cannot accept your behaviors or presence the way they are.

Therefore, either you have to move or you need a physical barrier where you can live the life the way you want to and she can live her life without wondering whether you are going to breach another boundary.

This has got to be hard on your son as he loves you both.

My suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her and your son, and make moving out a possibility.

As for the $$, I'm assuming you invested in a place with them so that all of you can live in a "better" abode. How you will be compensated or who will pay for the physical barriers, should also be part of the discussion.

Do something about it now before your son is forced to choose between you or her.

Can't rewind. But can unwind..?

I am never a fan of doing what you have done as basically it doesn't work.

Me, I would sit them down and tell them it is not working and you would like them to buy you out for everyone's well-being.

Sending support your way.

I agree - some additional information would be helpful here. There are very few situations where a castle can successfully have two queens. And those two queens have to have very compatible personalities. And they most definitely cannot put the king of the castle (or the princes and princesses in the middle)

That being said - I laughed when I read the title of your post and wondered if my FIL had learned how to use an internet forum. Because he would 1000% come here and tell everyone I am the most controlling DIL on the planet. But here is the kicker. My FIL is the most controlling person I have ever met in my life. It is literally his way or the highway. And if he doesn't get his way he throws a grownup tantrum of epic proportions (he is an actual narcissist) His entire life I don't believe a single person outside of maybe in the business world has ever told him no.

And then he met me. The "controlling DIL". Do you know WHY I'm the controlling DIL. What my actual claim to fame is? I SAY NO. And I taught the rest of the family that ugly, ugly word. I taught the rest of the family that he can wait his turn, that it is ok if he doesn't get his way, and we don't always have to do what he tells us to do.

But dear lord, that is not the story he tells. It's all me. I am the bad apple. Everything was just fine until I came along.

Every story has at least THREE sides. "Yours", "mine" and the truth.

If you genuinely believe that your DIL is being controlling- have you sat down with your son and DIL and talked about house rules? How much of the house do you "own"? What was the agreement when you bought the house? Were you supposed to have certain spaces just for you? Everything else was shared and you aren't getting your time in those spaces? Are you letting them know you want to use the spaces? Or just staying quiet and in your room and trying not to make trouble? Or did you buy into the house with them with the understanding that you had your room and bathroom?

We share a house with my mom (she's not home currently, taking care of my grandmother) but she has her room and bathroom, we have our room and bathroom, our college aged daughter has her room and bathroom ( she is autistic so will likely be with us for longer than the average young adult). Our other college aged daughter is away at school and has the other bedroom and shares a bathroom with her sister when she is home. The common areas are shared. Mom does have her bedroom set up to spend more time there so that the family can have the living room, BUT she will also hang out in the living room with us frequently when she is home. OR we will go into OUR rooms and she has the living room. I do all of the cooking (unless she just wants to - she enjoys letting me cook now, she says it's "my" kitchen.) We do all of the cleaning with the exception of her room and bathroom and we vacuum and dust up there and clean her bathroom when she's not here. We maintain the yard. She does her own laundry, unless I'm doing a load and she just has a small amount and I will toss hers in with ours.

This has worked very well for us for more than 4 years now. But we had to be very upfront about any conflict, we had to agree to be considerate of each other and remember that we were all sharing space as adults. We had to take care of each other.

We had to assume good intent. We had to work with each other instead of against each other. And above all else we have had to talk to each other before things fester. And compromise!

You say the three of you invested in a new home. I'm going to take that to mean everyone put in equal money to buy the place.
If such is the case, then I would tell this DIL of yours to go pound sand because it's just as much your house as it is hers. You can do anything you like in YOUR house and I'd stand my ground if I were you.

What will happen is they will have to buy out your share in the place, or you will have to buy out their shares. One or the other but this is likely what will have to be done.

My father always said that women were like bees. Sweet as honey and only one queen in a hive otherwise things get crazy.
It was not a wise decision on your part or your son and DIL to buy a house together where you don't have your own apartment.

You do know that this is a support group for caregivers right? People who are taking care of another person and are seeking the support and advice of other caregivers.
It is not a support group for people who wish to complain about unpleasant and controlling family members. I believe that place is called 'The Dr. Phil Show'.

Tell the family you are moving and move to an apartment.

Tell them you want your money back.

Burnts father is a smart man. I have told my husband for years that 2 adult woman cannot live in the same house. Especially if they have had homes of their own.

More info needed. Why did you and a granddaughter invest in this home?

Hi Katyalice - I think it'd be helpful if you can elaborate more - such as, how is your daughter-in-law controlling? What does she do or expect?
And why are you all living together?
It's just a bad formula to all live under the same roof if it's not necessary.

If you're just spending time in your bedroom and there's a lot of tension, I think that's enough of a sign to start an exit strategy - get paid for your portion of the home and look into other communities to live in that would be happier for you.

Sit down with son AND his wife and explain that you feel like everyone living together may be creating tension, that you try to avoid chaos by staying in your room, but that it is rather confining. Whatever you do, don't blame DIL over your son - he knows what's going on so no finger pointing. He will feel like he has to defend wife and then you have a 2 against one thing going on.

You might ask if they feel like it has been a mistake to all live together. If that's the case, ask them if they'd like to buy you out so you can use your funds to get another place to live. It's very possible they didn't think the whole thing out clearly because you tossing money into the mix afforded them a bigger or better house than they could have had on their own.

Prior to sitting down with them, consider any rooms that you could use to create a living room area so that you can get out of the bedroom. If that's available, suggest that. If buying you out (refinancing for them only) and setting up a living room for yourself are not options, you are sort of stuck unless you have enough money left to leave and get something else. If/when they sell, you would still get your part of the proceeds from current house.

You should never ever have consented to buying a house where you would not have your own living space — bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and living room. This was a huge mistake.

This causes a lot of stress on families who go into it with the best of intentions but find it is a bad arrangement.

Sell the house, split of the proceeds and buy your own place or one with an apartment for you.

This will never work over the long run. Do something before you and your family are estranged and relationships can no longer be fixed.

Best thing is to ask for a family meeting of/with those who "own" the home. If you helped pay for it, you need a say in the house rules. If you are being allowed to stay in their home, they get to set the house rules. Either way, you need to have some discussions with them about your concerns. If every conversation is tense, ask for a meeting with a counsellor or a leader of your faith community (pastor, priest...) to help negotiate this.

Years ago we made a similar mistake. Never again. My MIL was actual a very sweet lady and we were naïve enough to envision multigenerational family like The Waltons. It was especially tough on my DH who was concerned his mom was struggling living alone. she sold her modest little home and we put a MIL suite onto our home. Although we included her in all daily family routines (meals, TV watching on the couch, etc) she insisted on guest mode. In short order, I was the bad guy. She was not speaking kindly about me to our grown kids which created a tension. She happily participated in our garage sale only to later confide to her son I had “stolen her things”. Cognitive decline changed my sweet natured MIL into suspicious and gossipy behind my back. Yes, we had heart to heart talks to reassure the home was for all of us and we wanted her happy. Given her needs, it was difficult for her to adjust. In about 2 years, little did we know, she was hiding significant health issues and passed away from colon cancer a month from diagnosis.
You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? It’s true.

Good Morning,

I grew up in an intergenerational house. I loved it. But it was my maternal grandmother. I think that makes a difference. It's hard when it is the daughter-in-law.

With the economy, high interest rates and inflation these situations are going to be a necessity. In my case, Nana had an in-law apartment. Dad worked a lot of hours and it was easier having Nana live with us rather than Mom running down to Nana's house every day to look after her---Mom has (3) brothers.

It's an Irish thing the girl does everything--especially the eldest girl.

You will gain some things and have to hold your tongue on a occasion. There is power and safety in numbers. I grew up in a "Clan". My sister-in-law couldn't believe "all these people come to a cookout every weekend" she didn't get it, nor like it...after a while she pulled my brother away so the next generation lost out on a lot of happy times. They preferred the isolation.

When my family members rent a beach house, we're all there with our coolers and floaties. No one wants to miss out. I loved it. Back then, money was tight, families lived on one pay. There were starter houses and then as the family grew maybe you moved and added on when Nana moved it.

I have mentioned this before on the forum. I attended a conference years and heard a keynote speaker from Argentina, she said, "the U.S. lives for the self other countries have to live for the greater good" meaning they have to rely on each other and not the individual. I love America, there is no better country especially for women but I understand what she is saying.

When I see a Mexican family in the supermarket with the Grandmother and kids hanging out of the grocery basket, I smile, that was my story growing up. Mom had 4 kids, live-in grandparent and we ALL went grocery shopping. Mom had no "spa day" or get away weekends or therapist like my sister does. But sis worked full-time and me and Mom helped to raise her boys.

In a family you have to keep your sense of humor. I had a relative over for supper and they brought me as a house gift, a box of candy canes--it was the month of April. I graciously said, "I love peppermint, thank you"!

With the economy it takes a village. My grocery bill is high, gas continues to rise and utilities are headed for a 25% increase this winter. All of my relatives are thinking about their future living plans. My motto is: Stick together. "A braid of three cannot be easily broken".

As others have mentioned, we don't have enough details to be really helpful. All we can do is speculate. I would guess the parameters of the joint purchase and living situation weren't clearly defined. Everybody had their eyes on the benefits they wanted (OP--a place to live economically and not being alone; DIL--financial help to purchase a nicer home than they could have on their own; Son--the financial help plus good feeling about doing something good for his mom).
Could they have had different expectations about how this would look in the day to day? OP thought they would be an equal participant in their own home, welcome to join the family whenever she wished, entitled to use the kitchen and other amenities whenever and however she wished, maybe even having things arranged to accommodate her also in the common spaces. She'd have had some reason for assuming this if she paid an equal share and is also obligated on the mortgage. DIL assumed it was HER house, run according to her preferences, her having priority in the kitchen and arrangement of common spaces. Having privacy for her nuclear family most of the time. She would have some reason to feel justified in this expectation if MIL basically paid for her proportional share of the space (i.e., her bedroom and bathroom).
Most likely, there is no real bad guy here. Just different and unarticulated expectations. There's a reason so many people are saying these arrangements don't usually work.

Sounds like time for a major Family Meeting, and make them a permanent part of your shared life in the Home you all Bought Together. These meetings do not need to be rancorous; they need to be 'safe space' for each family member to have an equal amount of time to be heard, to speak about both good and bad things, to find common ground. No one should ever feel like a 'squatter' in their own home, especially if each has contributed to their even BEING a roof over everyone's heads. You are not 'roommates', you are a Family; every family gets to determine the shape of that family but even tho one person my become more or less the 'head of household' it's only representative, not a king- or queen-ship. Cut the tension by having these sessions to get everyone's cards on the table, so to speak, even granddaughter if she is of reasoning age (7 or 8 and older.) Consult with a Family Therapist if needed, like having a life coach for all of you. Good Luck!

Sounds like time for a major Family Meeting, and make them a permanent part of your shared life in the Home you all Bought Together. These meetings do not need to be rancorous; they need to be 'safe space' for each family member to have an equal amount of time to be heard, to speak about both good and bad things, to find common ground. No one should ever feel like a 'squatter' in their own home, especially if each has contributed to their even BEING a roof over everyone's heads. You are not 'roommates', you are a Family; every family gets to determine the shape of that family but even tho one person may become more or less the 'head of household' it's only representative, not a king- or queen-ship. Cut the tension by having these sessions to get everyone's cards on the table, so to speak, even granddaughter if she is of reasoning age (7 or 8 and older.) Consult with a Family Therapist if needed, like having a life coach for all of you. Good Luck!

In the majority of cases, moving in with another family doesn't work. The dynamics in a home are so multifaceted. Your daughter in law is used to managing her household and may feel threatened and or stressed that her mother in law is now in the roost.

Please try to put yourself in her shoes. Think back to your own mother in law and how that would have affected your home life if your husband had moved her in with you while you were working and raising a child, etc. I doubt you would have been keen on the idea.

How big is the plot of land? Maybe you can get a Mother-in-law apt on the property. Maybe convert a part of the garage? This way you can still have "your" space.
Another suggestion is to have a night out for son and wife and you stay in with granddaughter. Then switch, you go out with granddaughter and they stay in. Then son goes out with daughter and daughter-in-law with you. The point is to have one on one time with each. And it doesn't have to be every night maybe once a week. This way everyone gets to know each other likes, dislikes, pet peeves, etc. Maybe have a hobby together that you do once a week or once every two weeks.

I'm throwing my vote in with all of the others here who have recommended that you tell your son and DIL that they need to refinance and buy you out. If y'all have been in the house long enough to build equity, you could get an appraisal to determine market value and negotiate a split on that as well.

Or. Sell the house and split the proceeds.

Then find yourself a cute little house or condo and live in peace.

~Southiebella

Im not at this point yet, my husband and I are still at home but I can see the writing on the wall. I have a disability and my husband has a lot of health issues. The day will come where one of us will have to make the decision between living with our son and dnl or assisted living which would drain our life saving. Our dnl is manipulated and very spiteful. I do not trust her and she can convince our son into anything. We love our son and grandkids, but frankly I would be afraid to be in a position to have her influence over my care and health care decisions.

My mother (89) has made it clear in no uncertain terms that she is NEVER to be allowed to live with either of her children because she loves us too much to do that to us. She even went so far as to say that if she had dementia and begged, we are not to give in. She has a huge fear of living in a nursing home or really any situation where she doesn't have her own home and privacy, but she'd choose that over living with us. I so appreciate that she is so protective of her children that she'd face those fears before taking the risk of causing any tension in our homes by her presence. On the other hand, my MIL lives with her daughter and won't consider another option, as if she feels entitled to it. My BIL absolutely hates the situation, and has openly stated that his first waking prayer every morning is that she will be gone the next morning!!--adding that he would never agreed to her living with them if he'd thought she'd live more than 6 months. The 1 1/2 years she has been with them has been fraught with tension for all 3 of them, and although they take care of her every physical need, it is obvious that they look forward to her demise so they will have their home to themselves again. They would all be so much happier if she was in a nursing home, but they won't give up looking like the martyrs who are "the only ones willing" to care for her, and she won't give up the idea that she's entitled to stay with them. After keeping my MIL for 3 weeks so they could have a "vacation", I told my son and DIL the same thing my mom told me: Don't you ever ever ever let me or your dad come to live with you! A person who can't care for themself enough to live alone has to have a caretaker, and that job just expands as time goes on. Sounds like ya'll fell into that trap of thinking you were doing a good thing, but that good thing soured and you need to back out asap before all your memories are tainted by hard feelings. Do what you have to to get mom a place of her own where someone else does the care taking and you can do the loving visits.

You and/or your husband should not move in with your daughter in law if she is going to force you to do things against your will and treat you so disrespectfully.

I have found the best option most of the time is getting in home care when needed. Please stay AWAY from nursing homes. They are a death trap and often are abusive and neglectful.

We have a program here called IRIS that helps people to stay in their own home when they become disabled in some way. YOU will still be in charge! Do NOT let anyone take away your rights. This program will help evaluate what your needs are and give you the funding you need to pay for home care (you choose your caregivers and that includes family). They will also help with funding things you need in your home and activities outside of the home that are not covered by your insurance.

Someone said that " there is no house big enough for two women"
I tend to agree.

That said, since there is financial" investment " from both parties, that is even going to increase the tension and friction over " whose house is it?", " Who is the dominant female"?, and a whole bunch more " stuff" ( like regret,why did we / I ever do this; grief over differences etc.; Etc.

Start with requesting/ suggesting a conversation with yourself, dtr in law and son: open up the difficult painful conversation and begin to try to sort out what will help each party live with more quality of life in the home. Some folks are able to do this alone but a lot do better with a neutral objective professional helping to facilitate the dialogue and meditating any flare points. Do you have a faith community pastor? If so this is a good place to start . If the son/ dtrvin law have a pastor, they could ask them. Or both pastors could be present. It would be a beginning.

Or, the 3 of you could agree to go to family counseling together . Or, go to your PCP for a checkup and share this stress in the home with PCP; ask for a social services senior care referral who could come into home or that you can confer with.

Do you feel safe? This is the top question to ask oneself. If you ever feel unsafe, please call 911 or APS( ADult protective services) immediately. It doesn't sound like you are in such a position, but need to mention it.

Pray, practice good self care,get exercise, good nutrition, practice meditation and breathing......get out to some form of socializing with others, senior centers are a place to start and or senior ministries at church( you don't have to be a church member)

It is vital that these talks begin as this will negatively affect your and everyones physical, emotional, mental, spiritual health ! Or has already.....