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There’s not enough information here but in my experience my mother and mother-in-law think my sister and I are too controlling. That’s because they need a lot of help that they don’t think they need. Perhaps you are in the same situation and your daughter-in-law is trying to keep you out of a home. You don’t say why you aren’t living on your own but I suspect it is because you are not able since you are posting in this Aging Care forum. Sometimes you have to give up control to maintain some independence. Sounds contradictory but what alternatives do you have?
All I know is my own experience. My husband felt he owed it to his mother (he felt guilty for having been a handful as a kid). So against the strong advice of his brother and sister, we had her move in with us. That 6 years almost cost us our decades long marriage. She was completely unappreciative of what we were giving up and felt entitled. His sister finally rescued us by having her go to a big resthome with lots of attendants and activities while we went away on vacation. My SIL made sure she never came back (told her she could no longer navigate the 40 plus stairs down to the house, not really a lie either) and as upset as she was she got used to the home and enjoyed the attention she got and having her own space. She lived to 96 and we are still married, almost 50 years now. I 100% support NOT moving in with family. Keep your family as your loved ones otherwise it turns into resentment.
It's me again, Ireland. I forgot to mention. Prior to my caregiving role, just for the record my life was literally like the Great Gatsby! I studied in Ireland twice, visited a total of 6 times. I have been to every ski resort in NH. I study violin and play the violin.
I have been wined and dined, visited every Country Club in my region of the country, mansion, yacht club on Long Island. An outfit for every occasion, dresses galore (most from consignment shops).
Presently, I work remotely. I hold a Master's degree and B.A. in Art History. I teach ESL to Adult Professional Business Professionals from all over the world--folks there is nothing like America for a women, I repeat, we have a Democracy.
Look at Venezuela, now Argentina--it's getting so bad there people are returning to Venezuela if you can believe that one. If you are women born in America and speak English get down on your knees and thank the Lord and kiss the ground! You don't vote the right way in Venezuela, you don't get your medications. You can't even find toilet paper.
If we lived in China we wouldn't even be able to have this forum and give our opinions. We have labor laws here for protection. I teach women in Saudi Arabia, they ask me, what is America like?
"In your mother's old age, show her your appreciation!" I had a beautiful childhood, private schools, ski resort winter school vacation, beach house in the Summer for 2 weeks. Sunday Dinner, relatives pile in. I never thought I wouldn't care for my mother.
A comment was mentioned about the nuclear family. I am well aware of the high divorce rate, children born out of wedlock and stepfamilies. But the people that I know who are in this situation are all struggling. It's not an easy life, solo but oftentimes it's necessary.
The nuclear family, in my opinion and upbringing, is the basis for Society. Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage. We from the Western World (America) our forefathers founded this great country and magnificently wrote the Constitution, everything was based on God's Laws. God chose Israel, but the U.S. chose God.
Some of you may disagree with me but this is where I am coming from. Now, the whole idea of this forum is for us to help one another. If we just get one good thing out of our experiences and help a "newbie" then it's time well spent.
The person who wrote in didn't give a lot of info but I wanted to share my wonderful experience. It's not easy what I am doing now but don't feel bad for me as I just bought some Tesla stock so I won't be living on popcorn in my old age. Wish me luck! I'm going to go clean the toilet now...
I'm certainly not a Constitutional scholar and God knows every dollar I've ever earned up until very recently had been a poor man's dollar.
I'm pretty sure the Founders of the United States of America based our Constitution on common sense and common moral decency. Though how they were able to talk themselves around slavery, I cannot say. They really didn't want any of it based on religious beliefs. Their whole point was to make sure religious belief was kept separare from the business of governing.
The U.S. did not "choose God". It chose common sense. It chose no king, no queen, no laird.
I am an American. I am also a Jew. The whole world doesn't believe that God chose Israel. So it's better to not proclaim this like it's a univeral fact accepted by all because it isn't. No one wants to be preached to here, I'm sure.
OP, how are things going? It’s really hard to get along with people when you live with them. One can be best friends, or have loving family members - but then you try to live with them, and everything changes. One really has to be lucky for things to work out: have similar personalities, everyone’s considerate to each other, no one’s too much of a burden on someone else…so many factors to make it a happy experience to live together.
It’s very rare for people to live happily together, day after day. What you’re experiencing OP, is the norm. And it’ll get worse with time. More conflicts, more unhappiness.
Hi Ireland - you had a most interesting childhood, for sure!
Anyway, you referenced that "Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage and that our forefathers wrote the Constitution based on G-d's Laws." I wasn't familiar with that, especially since the Constitution requires the separation of church and state. And if you look this up, below is what I found....
"It is likely that in some cases the Deism of some founders dovetailed with certain Judeo-Christian teachings. Many of the founders were also Freemasons, a doctrinal and fraternal movement which embraced G-d as “The Great Architect of the Universe,” and taught the need for tolerance of diverse religious beliefs."
I wished we all lived closer. We could have our own "The View". I could make everyone Bewley's Irish Tea and Irish Soda Bread! I will play my violin for you and by the end our day you'll say, that Ireland we've grown to love her, she's not so bad after all!
I have no answer but offer sympathy. There can only be one lady of the house. And it's not you. What a bad idea to invest together. Hind sight am I right? Good luck in finding a new place. Does your current home have enough space to turn part of it into a mother in law apartment/ suite . Best to you
I tried what you did, it broke up my marriage, and it was my mother! She had her own apartment too. Once she said she thought we could be a happy family, So, I told her we could but she couldn't be the boss. Respect her boundaries. In my case I moved out and left the two of them there.
Hi there, MD - I just wanted to respond to this message of yours - "Hope, there's also a lot that could be said on various sides of what you posted. But this is an OP's thread, so I'm in favor of focusing on the OP and letting all this peripheral discussion be."
I'll just say - yes, I agree...there are numerous perspectives that you'll even find in various articles on this topic...but I just felt it made sense to provide a balanced frame of reference regarding the Constitution. That's all. Ireland brought religion and politics into the discussion... and you know what they say about that ...this is what's going to happen - yikes! Especially since those matters are deeply personal to each person.
And I understand this is the OP's thread, and I respect your suggestion to "focus on what the OP asked"...but I'll just add that I think she's gotten a lot of great advice already - what else could really be expressed to her that hasn't already been said? She's received a wide array of feedback. And, she's never rendered a comment or elaborated since. She's not a "caregiver" - but yet those have been very generous to offer great insight to her regarding living arrangements - with what little information we were even provided. And at that point, depending on what someone may write, conversations may sometimes get redirected a little. That's why it's a forum!
I don't really care if you agree with me or not. Everyone doesn't agree on all things and that's okay. What I don't appreciate is the patronizing or being corrected by you like a child who spoke out of turn in school.
Let me tell you a little something about myself.
I am 50 years old. I have worked half of my life caregiving for others. I have been in every possible caregiving scenario 'what if?' there is and handled it. I operate my own homecare business. I have belonged to two faiths. I had two husbands. The first a devout Polish Catholic. The second a Polish/Hungarian Jew. I raised a good boy. He's a nice guy now. I'm in the office long hours and since I don't so hands-on care anymore, I figure others can learn from my long experience. This being said, I really do not need to be corrected by you. Disagreement is fine. Condescending correction is not.
Hi MD, Thanks for your response! I'm not a history buff at all - and so I wasn't familiar with whatever Ireland was referring to re: the Constitution, so I decided to look it up! I'm sort of baffled as to why Ireland even brought politics and religion into this anyway - which seems like a pretty big stretch from the OP talking about her controlling MIL ! Anyway, since I'm all about inclusion for everyone, no matter what denomination they are - or their beliefs - so that was my reason for noting what I had read! - peace for us all !! :)
You don't provide much detail about how she is being controlling and why you feel you have to stay in your bedroom. Does she work? Have a friend? Hobbies? Things she does away from the house so you can have your own time in peace at home? Have you discussed this with your son? Is he being controlling with her and is that a factor in how she treats you? If you feel like she just isn't getting along with you, have you tried talking to her to establish a rapport? Are there things you have in common on which you could base a friendship? Is she perhaps getting an unfriendly vibe from you and giving it back? Can you talk to her about it and find out?
What about family therapy? Get an impartial professional involved to help with communications? Assume everyone has good intentions and wants everyone to get their needs met, but don't know how to do it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's me again, Ireland. I forgot to mention. Prior to my caregiving role, just for the record my life was literally like the Great Gatsby! I studied in Ireland twice, visited a total of 6 times. I have been to every ski resort in NH. I study violin and play the violin.
I have been wined and dined, visited every Country Club in my region of the country, mansion, yacht club on Long Island. An outfit for every occasion, dresses galore (most from consignment shops).
Presently, I work remotely. I hold a Master's degree and B.A. in Art History. I teach ESL to Adult Professional Business Professionals from all over the world--folks there is nothing like America for a women, I repeat, we have a Democracy.
Look at Venezuela, now Argentina--it's getting so bad there people are returning to Venezuela if you can believe that one. If you are women born in America and speak English get down on your knees and thank the Lord and kiss the ground!
You don't vote the right way in Venezuela, you don't get your medications. You can't even find toilet paper.
If we lived in China we wouldn't even be able to have this forum and give our opinions. We have labor laws here for protection. I teach women in Saudi Arabia, they ask me, what is America like?
"In your mother's old age, show her your appreciation!" I had a beautiful childhood, private schools, ski resort winter school vacation, beach house in the Summer for 2 weeks. Sunday Dinner, relatives pile in. I never thought I wouldn't care for my mother.
A comment was mentioned about the nuclear family. I am well aware of the high divorce rate, children born out of wedlock and stepfamilies. But the people that I know who are in this situation are all struggling. It's not an easy life, solo but oftentimes it's necessary.
The nuclear family, in my opinion and upbringing, is the basis for Society. Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage. We from the Western World (America) our forefathers founded this great country and magnificently wrote the Constitution, everything was based on God's Laws. God chose Israel, but the U.S. chose God.
Some of you may disagree with me but this is where I am coming from. Now, the whole idea of this forum is for us to help one another. If we just get one good thing out of our experiences and help a "newbie" then it's time well spent.
The person who wrote in didn't give a lot of info but I wanted to share my wonderful experience. It's not easy what I am doing now but don't feel bad for me as I just bought some Tesla stock so I won't be living on popcorn in my old age. Wish me luck! I'm going to go clean the toilet now...
I'm certainly not a Constitutional scholar and God knows every dollar I've ever earned up until very recently had been a poor man's dollar.
I'm pretty sure the Founders of the United States of America based our Constitution on common sense and common moral decency. Though how they were able to talk themselves around slavery, I cannot say. They really didn't want any of it based on religious beliefs. Their whole point was to make sure religious belief was kept separare from the business of governing.
The U.S. did not "choose God". It chose common sense. It chose no king, no queen, no laird.
I am an American. I am also a Jew. The whole world doesn't believe that God chose Israel. So it's better to not proclaim this like it's a univeral fact accepted by all because it isn't. No one wants to be preached to here, I'm sure.
Good luck with the Tesla stock.
It’s very rare for people to live happily together, day after day. What you’re experiencing OP, is the norm. And it’ll get worse with time. More conflicts, more unhappiness.
Do you think you should move?
Anyway, you referenced that "Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian heritage and that our forefathers wrote the Constitution based on G-d's Laws." I wasn't familiar with that, especially since the Constitution requires the separation of church and state. And if you look this up, below is what I found....
"It is likely that in some cases the Deism of some founders dovetailed with certain Judeo-Christian teachings. Many of the founders were also Freemasons, a doctrinal and fraternal movement which embraced G-d as “The Great Architect of the Universe,” and taught the need for tolerance of diverse religious beliefs."
Anyway, I just thought I'd share this ~
Well said, and amen to that!
~BC 8/9/23
I wished we all lived closer. We could have our own "The View". I could make everyone Bewley's Irish Tea and Irish Soda Bread! I will play my violin for you and by the end our day you'll say, that Ireland we've grown to love her, she's not so bad after all!
Or, better how about some Bailey's Irish Cream!
And it's not you.
What a bad idea to invest together. Hind sight am I right?
Good luck in finding a new place. Does your current home have enough space to turn part of it into a mother in law apartment/ suite .
Best to you
I'll just say - yes, I agree...there are numerous perspectives that you'll even find in various articles on this topic...but I just felt it made sense to provide a balanced frame of reference regarding the Constitution. That's all. Ireland brought religion and politics into the discussion... and you know what they say about that ...this is what's going to happen - yikes! Especially since those matters are deeply personal to each person.
And I understand this is the OP's thread, and I respect your suggestion to "focus on what the OP asked"...but I'll just add that I think she's gotten a lot of great advice already - what else could really be expressed to her that hasn't already been said? She's received a wide array of feedback. And, she's never rendered a comment or elaborated since. She's not a "caregiver" - but yet those have been very generous to offer great insight to her regarding living arrangements - with what little information we were even provided. And at that point, depending on what someone may write, conversations may sometimes get redirected a little. That's why it's a forum!
I don't really care if you agree with me or not. Everyone doesn't agree on all things and that's okay.
What I don't appreciate is the patronizing or being corrected by you like a child who spoke out of turn in school.
Let me tell you a little something about myself.
I am 50 years old. I have worked half of my life caregiving for others. I have been in every possible caregiving scenario 'what if?' there is and handled it. I operate my own homecare business. I have belonged to two faiths. I had two husbands. The first a devout Polish Catholic. The second a Polish/Hungarian Jew. I raised a good boy. He's a nice guy now.
I'm in the office long hours and since I don't so hands-on care anymore, I figure others can learn from my long experience.
This being said, I really do not need to be corrected by you.
Disagreement is fine. Condescending correction is not.
- peace for us all !! :)