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Sit down with son AND his wife and explain that you feel like everyone living together may be creating tension, that you try to avoid chaos by staying in your room, but that it is rather confining. Whatever you do, don't blame DIL over your son - he knows what's going on so no finger pointing. He will feel like he has to defend wife and then you have a 2 against one thing going on.
You might ask if they feel like it has been a mistake to all live together. If that's the case, ask them if they'd like to buy you out so you can use your funds to get another place to live. It's very possible they didn't think the whole thing out clearly because you tossing money into the mix afforded them a bigger or better house than they could have had on their own.
Prior to sitting down with them, consider any rooms that you could use to create a living room area so that you can get out of the bedroom. If that's available, suggest that. If buying you out (refinancing for them only) and setting up a living room for yourself are not options, you are sort of stuck unless you have enough money left to leave and get something else. If/when they sell, you would still get your part of the proceeds from current house.
Hi Katyalice - I think it'd be helpful if you can elaborate more - such as, how is your daughter-in-law controlling? What does she do or expect? And why are you all living together? It's just a bad formula to all live under the same roof if it's not necessary.
If you're just spending time in your bedroom and there's a lot of tension, I think that's enough of a sign to start an exit strategy - get paid for your portion of the home and look into other communities to live in that would be happier for you.
Burnts father is a smart man. I have told my husband for years that 2 adult woman cannot live in the same house. Especially if they have had homes of their own.
More info needed. Why did you and a granddaughter invest in this home?
My father was a smart man. Two women can live in the same house of it's a roommate kind of situation. When I lived out in CA, I had a roommate and we shared expenses. She was cool and we're still friends. This kind of situation can work because you're equals. There's no power struggle like there is when it's a MIL/DIL relationship or a mother/daughter one.
I hope the OP will not have to learn the hard way and they work out an arrangement where she can get her money back and move somewhere else. If things get pushed to the point where the ultimatum of the son/husband having to choose between them, he'll choose his wife and child.
Good MIL's steer clear of ever letting differences with their DIL's get to the point where the ultimatum of choosing shows up. They remember that they were wives, lovers, girlfriends before they became a MIL. The wife can always turn the husband in any direction if she knows what she's doing. A good MIL knows this and stays away from a power struggle with her DIL.
You say the three of you invested in a new home. I'm going to take that to mean everyone put in equal money to buy the place. If such is the case, then I would tell this DIL of yours to go pound sand because it's just as much your house as it is hers. You can do anything you like in YOUR house and I'd stand my ground if I were you.
What will happen is they will have to buy out your share in the place, or you will have to buy out their shares. One or the other but this is likely what will have to be done.
My father always said that women were like bees. Sweet as honey and only one queen in a hive otherwise things get crazy. It was not a wise decision on your part or your son and DIL to buy a house together where you don't have your own apartment.
You do know that this is a support group for caregivers right? People who are taking care of another person and are seeking the support and advice of other caregivers. It is not a support group for people who wish to complain about unpleasant and controlling family members. I believe that place is called 'The Dr. Phil Show'.
Hey, there are ALOT of seniors here navigating being cared for, moving in w family, having family moving in w them, and sharing their side of things as they’ve evolved into living a life where they need care. I value what they share on nursing home living, how to handle medical issues, the frustrations of losing independence and all the ways they’ve learned to do things different after making mistakes. Many have already been caregivers. So glad OP is getting alot of good advice.
I agree - some additional information would be helpful here. There are very few situations where a castle can successfully have two queens. And those two queens have to have very compatible personalities. And they most definitely cannot put the king of the castle (or the princes and princesses in the middle)
That being said - I laughed when I read the title of your post and wondered if my FIL had learned how to use an internet forum. Because he would 1000% come here and tell everyone I am the most controlling DIL on the planet. But here is the kicker. My FIL is the most controlling person I have ever met in my life. It is literally his way or the highway. And if he doesn't get his way he throws a grownup tantrum of epic proportions (he is an actual narcissist) His entire life I don't believe a single person outside of maybe in the business world has ever told him no.
And then he met me. The "controlling DIL". Do you know WHY I'm the controlling DIL. What my actual claim to fame is? I SAY NO. And I taught the rest of the family that ugly, ugly word. I taught the rest of the family that he can wait his turn, that it is ok if he doesn't get his way, and we don't always have to do what he tells us to do.
But dear lord, that is not the story he tells. It's all me. I am the bad apple. Everything was just fine until I came along.
Every story has at least THREE sides. "Yours", "mine" and the truth.
If you genuinely believe that your DIL is being controlling- have you sat down with your son and DIL and talked about house rules? How much of the house do you "own"? What was the agreement when you bought the house? Were you supposed to have certain spaces just for you? Everything else was shared and you aren't getting your time in those spaces? Are you letting them know you want to use the spaces? Or just staying quiet and in your room and trying not to make trouble? Or did you buy into the house with them with the understanding that you had your room and bathroom?
We share a house with my mom (she's not home currently, taking care of my grandmother) but she has her room and bathroom, we have our room and bathroom, our college aged daughter has her room and bathroom ( she is autistic so will likely be with us for longer than the average young adult). Our other college aged daughter is away at school and has the other bedroom and shares a bathroom with her sister when she is home. The common areas are shared. Mom does have her bedroom set up to spend more time there so that the family can have the living room, BUT she will also hang out in the living room with us frequently when she is home. OR we will go into OUR rooms and she has the living room. I do all of the cooking (unless she just wants to - she enjoys letting me cook now, she says it's "my" kitchen.) We do all of the cleaning with the exception of her room and bathroom and we vacuum and dust up there and clean her bathroom when she's not here. We maintain the yard. She does her own laundry, unless I'm doing a load and she just has a small amount and I will toss hers in with ours.
This has worked very well for us for more than 4 years now. But we had to be very upfront about any conflict, we had to agree to be considerate of each other and remember that we were all sharing space as adults. We had to take care of each other.
We had to assume good intent. We had to work with each other instead of against each other. And above all else we have had to talk to each other before things fester. And compromise!
A few people have accused me of being controlling. What they really mean is that their idea of what to do where and how to do it, differs from yours.
For instance, she wants certain things (e.g. spatula) exactly in a specific slot in the drawer whereas for you, that spatula can go anywhere in the drawer. She doesn't like dirty tissues on the floor, you could care less whether it hits the floor first or not. After you eat a meal, you leave the dishes and the pots and pans in the sink. She wants it "out of sight" or cleaned immediately. She removes lint out of the dryer when the clothes are removed out of the dryer; you do not. The scent of perfume or certain fruits make her gag and you love those fruits and would like to have them out on the counter. She can smell you coming and way after you leave; you bathe each day and say you have have no scent.
Basically, you cannot make the changes to live compatibly with her and she cannot accept your behaviors or presence the way they are.
Therefore, either you have to move or you need a physical barrier where you can live the life the way you want to and she can live her life without wondering whether you are going to breach another boundary.
This has got to be hard on your son as he loves you both.
My suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her and your son, and make moving out a possibility.
As for the $$, I'm assuming you invested in a place with them so that all of you can live in a "better" abode. How you will be compensated or who will pay for the physical barriers, should also be part of the discussion.
Do something about it now before your son is forced to choose between you or her.
The OP will lose that fight if the son is forced to choose between his wife and child and his complaining mother.
Personally I could never and would never tolerate living with the things you state. If a person does not pay an equal share in the place then they have no choice.
Grandma1954 July 29, 2023 2:00 pm Wow If you can get yourself out from "their" house. You may have invested in it but it is not "your" house. If you can afford to get a small condo, apartment of your own do so. They can buy out your portion, if they can not afford to do that there are options. If you have the financial means to do so that might be your son's inheritance and you can quit claim your portion. (might be problematic if you need to apply for Medicaid later on) Or if you need the money that may force the sale of the house.
Or Since this is a shared house stop living in your room and begin to take ownership of your rights as a part owner.
I think rarely does it go well with 2 women in the same house.
No, Grandma1954. The OP does not have to 'quick claim' anything to her son and DIL.
The son should not assume that he's getting any inheritance. Adult children tend to think they've got more right to their parents' money than their parents do. They don't.
The OP should force a buy out and get herself her own place. Then spend her money any way she wants.
I agree, you had to have known how DIL was. I know for sure that my MIL would not have lived with my SIL by marriage. She is a very take control person and her way is best. Good for a Military wife but a little much for civilian life.
I agree, tell them you want your money back because you are finding another place to live.
Looks like now in retrospect that this idea of moving in together wasn't such a good idea after all huh? Surely you had some idea of how your daughter-in-law was before you agreed to move in with her right? Did you think she would actually change once you were all under the same roof? So let this be a lesson learned, and as already said if you can't come to some kind of civil agreement that will allow you to be anywhere in the house you'd like(obviously not your son and daughter-in-laws bedroom though)and that you are made to feel comfortable in your own home, sell your share and get the heck out of Dodge. It really NEVER is a good idea to move in with your children. You are only asking for trouble if you do. Hoping you can now do what is best for you.
It's not up to the the OP's son or her DIL to make her feel comfortable in the house. That's ridiculous it isn't a hotel.
She does not have to live in her bedroom because it's her house too.
What I think might be going on here, is the OP wants her son and DIL to pay more attention to her then they probably do. That like so many seniors who move into the homes of their grown children and spouses, they expect them to fuss over them and make their "comfort" a top priority. When that doesn't happen and it almost never does, the MIL or FIL gets and the accusations of mistreatment start.
The OP needs to take her investment out of the house and move onto greener pastures. Like maybe a nice senior community.
I think that this kind of arrangement rarely is as satisfactory in reality as we think it will be. Maybe you had a wonderful relationship with your mother in law, but even if you did imagine what it would have been like to share your home with her while you were raising your family... it will take a lot of deliberate effort to establish a daily pattern that works for everyone.
Agree that more details are necessary. Regardless, if you feel like you can't talk to them about the tension and situation by yourself, maybe invite someone who is calm and logical to mediate a family discussion, or use a therapist to mediate. A mediator will be objective and cut through the emotional junk to get to the core of the problem. Peoples' willingness to accept their roles and change behaviors will ultimately dictate if anything will improve. If not, sell your share and move out.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You might ask if they feel like it has been a mistake to all live together. If that's the case, ask them if they'd like to buy you out so you can use your funds to get another place to live. It's very possible they didn't think the whole thing out clearly because you tossing money into the mix afforded them a bigger or better house than they could have had on their own.
Prior to sitting down with them, consider any rooms that you could use to create a living room area so that you can get out of the bedroom. If that's available, suggest that. If buying you out (refinancing for them only) and setting up a living room for yourself are not options, you are sort of stuck unless you have enough money left to leave and get something else. If/when they sell, you would still get your part of the proceeds from current house.
She is not stuck. she can force them to buy out her share in the home.
And why are you all living together?
It's just a bad formula to all live under the same roof if it's not necessary.
If you're just spending time in your bedroom and there's a lot of tension, I think that's enough of a sign to start an exit strategy - get paid for your portion of the home and look into other communities to live in that would be happier for you.
More info needed. Why did you and a granddaughter invest in this home?
My father was a smart man. Two women can live in the same house of it's a roommate kind of situation. When I lived out in CA, I had a roommate and we shared expenses. She was cool and we're still friends.
This kind of situation can work because you're equals. There's no power struggle like there is when it's a MIL/DIL relationship or a mother/daughter one.
I hope the OP will not have to learn the hard way and they work out an arrangement where she can get her money back and move somewhere else. If things get pushed to the point where the ultimatum of the son/husband having to choose between them, he'll choose his wife and child.
Good MIL's steer clear of ever letting differences with their DIL's get to the point where the ultimatum of choosing shows up.
They remember that they were wives, lovers, girlfriends before they became a MIL.
The wife can always turn the husband in any direction if she knows what she's doing. A good MIL knows this and stays away from a power struggle with her DIL.
Tell them you want your money back.
If such is the case, then I would tell this DIL of yours to go pound sand because it's just as much your house as it is hers. You can do anything you like in YOUR house and I'd stand my ground if I were you.
What will happen is they will have to buy out your share in the place, or you will have to buy out their shares. One or the other but this is likely what will have to be done.
My father always said that women were like bees. Sweet as honey and only one queen in a hive otherwise things get crazy.
It was not a wise decision on your part or your son and DIL to buy a house together where you don't have your own apartment.
You do know that this is a support group for caregivers right? People who are taking care of another person and are seeking the support and advice of other caregivers.
It is not a support group for people who wish to complain about unpleasant and controlling family members. I believe that place is called 'The Dr. Phil Show'.
That being said - I laughed when I read the title of your post and wondered if my FIL had learned how to use an internet forum. Because he would 1000% come here and tell everyone I am the most controlling DIL on the planet. But here is the kicker. My FIL is the most controlling person I have ever met in my life. It is literally his way or the highway. And if he doesn't get his way he throws a grownup tantrum of epic proportions (he is an actual narcissist) His entire life I don't believe a single person outside of maybe in the business world has ever told him no.
And then he met me. The "controlling DIL". Do you know WHY I'm the controlling DIL. What my actual claim to fame is? I SAY NO. And I taught the rest of the family that ugly, ugly word. I taught the rest of the family that he can wait his turn, that it is ok if he doesn't get his way, and we don't always have to do what he tells us to do.
But dear lord, that is not the story he tells. It's all me. I am the bad apple. Everything was just fine until I came along.
Every story has at least THREE sides. "Yours", "mine" and the truth.
If you genuinely believe that your DIL is being controlling- have you sat down with your son and DIL and talked about house rules? How much of the house do you "own"? What was the agreement when you bought the house? Were you supposed to have certain spaces just for you? Everything else was shared and you aren't getting your time in those spaces? Are you letting them know you want to use the spaces? Or just staying quiet and in your room and trying not to make trouble? Or did you buy into the house with them with the understanding that you had your room and bathroom?
We share a house with my mom (she's not home currently, taking care of my grandmother) but she has her room and bathroom, we have our room and bathroom, our college aged daughter has her room and bathroom ( she is autistic so will likely be with us for longer than the average young adult). Our other college aged daughter is away at school and has the other bedroom and shares a bathroom with her sister when she is home. The common areas are shared. Mom does have her bedroom set up to spend more time there so that the family can have the living room, BUT she will also hang out in the living room with us frequently when she is home. OR we will go into OUR rooms and she has the living room. I do all of the cooking (unless she just wants to - she enjoys letting me cook now, she says it's "my" kitchen.) We do all of the cleaning with the exception of her room and bathroom and we vacuum and dust up there and clean her bathroom when she's not here. We maintain the yard. She does her own laundry, unless I'm doing a load and she just has a small amount and I will toss hers in with ours.
This has worked very well for us for more than 4 years now. But we had to be very upfront about any conflict, we had to agree to be considerate of each other and remember that we were all sharing space as adults. We had to take care of each other.
We had to assume good intent. We had to work with each other instead of against each other. And above all else we have had to talk to each other before things fester. And compromise!
Me, I would sit them down and tell them it is not working and you would like them to buy you out for everyone's well-being.
Sending support your way.
For instance, she wants certain things (e.g. spatula) exactly in a specific slot in the drawer whereas for you, that spatula can go anywhere in the drawer. She doesn't like dirty tissues on the floor, you could care less whether it hits the floor first or not. After you eat a meal, you leave the dishes and the pots and pans in the sink. She wants it "out of sight" or cleaned immediately. She removes lint out of the dryer when the clothes are removed out of the dryer; you do not. The scent of perfume or certain fruits make her gag and you love those fruits and would like to have them out on the counter. She can smell you coming and way after you leave; you bathe each day and say you have have no scent.
Basically, you cannot make the changes to live compatibly with her and she cannot accept your behaviors or presence the way they are.
Therefore, either you have to move or you need a physical barrier where you can live the life the way you want to and she can live her life without wondering whether you are going to breach another boundary.
This has got to be hard on your son as he loves you both.
My suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her and your son, and make moving out a possibility.
As for the $$, I'm assuming you invested in a place with them so that all of you can live in a "better" abode. How you will be compensated or who will pay for the physical barriers, should also be part of the discussion.
Do something about it now before your son is forced to choose between you or her.
The OP will lose that fight if the son is forced to choose between his wife and child and his complaining mother.
Personally I could never and would never tolerate living with the things you state. If a person does not pay an equal share in the place then they have no choice.
The OP should get her own place.
~BC 8/7/23
Wow
If you can get yourself out from "their" house.
You may have invested in it but it is not "your" house.
If you can afford to get a small condo, apartment of your own do so.
They can buy out your portion, if they can not afford to do that there are options. If you have the financial means to do so that might be your son's inheritance and you can quit claim your portion. (might be problematic if you need to apply for Medicaid later on) Or if you need the money that may force the sale of the house.
Or
Since this is a shared house stop living in your room and begin to take ownership of your rights as a part owner.
I think rarely does it go well with 2 women in the same house.
The son should not assume that he's getting any inheritance. Adult children tend to think they've got more right to their parents' money than their parents do. They don't.
The OP should force a buy out and get herself her own place. Then spend her money any way she wants.
~BC 8/7/23
I agree, tell them you want your money back because you are finding another place to live.
Surely you had some idea of how your daughter-in-law was before you agreed to move in with her right? Did you think she would actually change once you were all under the same roof?
So let this be a lesson learned, and as already said if you can't come to some kind of civil agreement that will allow you to be anywhere in the house you'd like(obviously not your son and daughter-in-laws bedroom though)and that you are made to feel comfortable in your own home, sell your share and get the heck out of Dodge.
It really NEVER is a good idea to move in with your children. You are only asking for trouble if you do.
Hoping you can now do what is best for you.
It's not up to the the OP's son or her DIL to make her feel comfortable in the house. That's ridiculous it isn't a hotel.
She does not have to live in her bedroom because it's her house too.
What I think might be going on here, is the OP wants her son and DIL to pay more attention to her then they probably do. That like so many seniors who move into the homes of their grown children and spouses, they expect them to fuss over them and make their "comfort" a top priority. When that doesn't happen and it almost never does, the MIL or FIL gets and the accusations of mistreatment start.
The OP needs to take her investment out of the house and move onto greener pastures. Like maybe a nice senior community.
~BC 8/7/23
NHWM
So sorry that you are hurting and that you reside in a tension filled home.
There is always more than one side to a story.
Can you identify the problem?
Are you capable of seeing the other person’s viewpoint?
Are they capable of seeing your views?
Would you rather live elsewhere?
Are they sorry that you sharing the home?
Best wishes to you. It’s miserable to feel like an outsider.