I am the full time caretaker for my father-in-law.Due to dysfunctional family issues, he has little contact with his two daughters and my husband works.
My fil has severe emphysema/copd and is an alcoholic. He also tells a lot of "white lies" and according to my husband has done so his entire life. It is very difficult and frustrating to try to figure out if the man is lying again or if there is some dementia.
Currently, he is on home anitbiotic iv fussion for a severe lung infection. I believe he has had for a while due to the fact he never finishes his antibiotics when prescribed. Now, I attend to his every need; medication, meals, laundry, errands, etc., He does seem to be getting a lot better,as he is not coughing and hacking as much. When I make a comment that he seems to be doing better, he denies it. When I try to offer a suggestion, such as raising the head of his bed to help with breathing and sleeping, he says it will not work. When I offer to make him a high protien breakfast to help give him energy, he says that will not work....the list is endless.Absolutely nothing I suggest to help him feel better, is taken into account.
I am beginning to strongly resent him. I don't know if he is using his disease to manipulate my sympathy or drive me crazy. I swear, I think he just likes to argue. When everything seems to be going good for him, he blurts out that he cannot breathe and I might need to call 911 in a " little bit." To just "wait".
I am a trained EMT and still read and refresh my skills when I can, so I am very well aware of when he is really in respiratory distress.
Lately, that's all my husband and I talk about ( his father ). It's as if our lives revolve around him.
Normally, I am a very caring and thoughtful person. Lately, I feel as if my stomach is in knots, lots of headaches and sleeping poorly most nights. I know the reason is anger turned inwards.
How do I cope with this? Am I expierencing burn-out?
I do a lot of gardening, exercise and eat right, so I think I am on the right path physically.....mentally, I don't know.
It seems to me that it would be far better to move him to assisted living (if he's healthy enough) or to a nursing home if AL is out of the question.
You and your husband could visit and care for him, but you would also have a life of your own. As it is, you are a 24/7 caregiver to a man with at best a difficult personality. You didn't say if his alcoholism is "active" in that he's still drinking, but that certainly can be part of the picture. Alcoholism is a disease, as is possible dementia.
There is a limit to what you can do. Your headaches and other physical symptoms are good clues that this is taking too much out of you. Since there is so much dysfunction in your husband's family, this seems to be up to you two. Please talk with him about moving his father into care before you end up with severe health problems.
Good luck,
Carol
And a reality check on your resentment -- "white lies" are to protect other people's feelings. "That is a nice haircut," or "Oh I don't think anyone noticed that stain on your tie" are white lies. Lies used to manipulate others are not "white" and excusing them that way is a kind of denial. Dismissing all caring suggestions is disrespectful. Being unappreciative is annoying to say the least. Your resentment is not without justification. Of course, he may not be mentally healthy enough to make significant behavior changes. Another reason to consider long-term care.
While you are still doing the day-to-day caring, try not to care so much! Do your best, and let it go. And I suggest not consulting him so much. Raise the head of his bed. If he objects, say, "I want you to try this for 3 nights to see if it makes a difference." Occassionally make him something to eat that you think would be good for him (without giving that as a reason.) If he doesn't eat it, so be it.
You can only do what you can do and what he'll let you do. Do not take on personal responsibility for his well-being. Do your best. That is all any of us can do.
Later, before bedtime, my husband gave me a massage, as well as a gift of three Ray Charles's cd collection!!!
My fil still drinks alcohol and will not go into assisted living. We have tried to discuss end of life issues and he wants full life support, til the end.
This morning he begins complaining about the pain in his stomach he has everynight. No kidding, I replied....you drink whiskey with mountain dew on top of cipro and an iv antibiotic. Of course, he denies that is the reason. So, I very calmly told him that I did not want to have a discussion about that. The end!!! Felt great.
Not to blame everything on my fil, I have to let go of the control issues I have. I can only provide limited support and that is it. If he does not want to listen to the advice of his doctors, then there is little I can do. I did tell him, when he pulled the 911 trick again, that I would call 911 if I thought he needs it. I also told him, that if he is able to speak in full sentences without running out of breath, he is fine. When he complains about the meds., he has to take, I just tell him if he does not comply, he will go into the hospital.
Again, thanks to all.
Keep in mind that while he can say he refuses to consider LTC, you have some options, too. You can decide that he can no longer live with you. I know you do not want to get that drastic, but keep in mind it is a possibility. This is not a court-mandated in-house arrest you are serving. You ultimately have the upper hand. Whether or not you use it is up to you, but just knowing you have it may help you maintain the strength to do what needs to be done while he lives with you.
Please come back periodically and let us know how this plays out.
I'm not justifying this behavior, believe me, I have a ton of resentment also. The way I deal with it is to be as objective as I can with my mother. I take care of all of her basic needs, and I do it well, but I will not be her friend and most of the time will not even have a conversation with her if I can help it, because it will be about her and her suffering. It's a crappy way to live but it's the best I can do to save myself.
If you want help with an answer, post your own question. On the above, click Caregiver Support and Ask a Question. Hopefully someone will be able to help you. I have no experience with family and drinking. Alzheimer - yes...but...not the combination. Take care!
I agree with the last two comments about the anger and resentment being directed at the family more than the aging parent. I have three sisters who tell me they hate my father and his girlfriend and refuse to help me. I don't want them to help me with my dad, but I would really appreciate it if they would ask me once in awhile if I need anything for ME. They don't, they never will, and it took me a very long time to forgive them. The girlfriend complains about everything and nothing is good enough for her. I cannot believe the rage I feel every time I get a call/email from her - she's hateful, stupid, selfish. I consciously stopped all communication with her, but because she is joint healthcare POA with me, the doctors call her and then she calls/emails me, etc - you can visualize the vicious cycle between me/her/doctors. I am a good person and used to have a lot of joy in my heart and in my behavior, but this woman has dragged me down so far that now I am sick and in need of my own daily healthcare treatments.
I'm wondering, dgrey63, if your husband is helping you enough? The rest of his family? Your family? I agree that respite care is paramount for your well-being. I admire your ability to change the way you're communicating with your FIL. Since your last post, I hope you are still doing well and are taking good care of yourself!
To the rest of you, may God bless us all and forgive us for our feelings of frustration!
youre welcome.
Your profile says your husband has general age related decline, but what you describe is definitely not normal again concerns. I think you would both benefit from him having a thorough medical evaluation so you know more clearly what you are dealing with.
You say you can't tell what is cognitive dysfunction and what is under his control. None of it is under his control. A medical evaluation would help you understand that, and understanding it is critical to your continued relationship. What if someone close to you were thinking, "I wonder how much her chronic illness forced her to end her career and how much is just laziness and not wanting to work?" That is outrageous to suspect, isn't it? I assure you that your husband's cognitive impairment is not his doing and not under his control.
So, my first advice is to find out as much as you can what is really wrong with the man who has been your best friend for twenty years.
My second piece of advice is get some help with your feelings. Having a spouse, a partner, a soul-mate become radically different than the person you married is an extremely traumatic and stressful life event. You are understandably angry and depressed, and you deserve help with that! Please seek our a professional therapist. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because the situation you are in is all wrong and you deserve support in dealing with it.
In addition to a therapist, once you know more precisely what your husband has, seek out a local support group of other people who are caring for loved ones with that condition and who will understand your situation.
I dealt with my husband's Lewy Body Dementia for ten years. I could not have borne that if I'd been filled with anger at him the whole time.