I have been living in the U.S. for the last twenty years. I have my own business, partner of 20 years, home, cats and my life is here. My mother lives in Scotland and my sister lives a block away from her. My sister has been my mothers care giver for the last 15+ years but greatly resents it. My mother has always used guilt tactics to make me or my sister feel guilty about not spending enough time with her. Now my sister is doing the same to me by harassing me to come over there and spend two months helping her with my mother who is “at the end of her life” as my sister puts it. My mom has a lot of heath issues and should really have social work step in and determine the best health care for her. My sister tells me “if you don’t come over for two months and spend time with your mom and she dies you will regret it and I’ll never speak to you again”. I’ve told her I will come over for two weeks but not two months as I have responsibilities here in the U.S, my life, my partner, my business, bills etc. Then my sister says “You’re choosing your partner over your mother and that’s sick”. I’m getting sick over the stress of this, constant manipulation and on top of that I’m questioning myself now! Am I a bad daughter, sister? Should I give up my life here for two months and go there. I’ve told my sister that my mom needs more than that, she needs professional help. To make it worse, I am bringing my partner with me for the two weeks. My mom doesn’t want my partner there, she just wants me. So I feel torn apart at all levels. Please advise, I’m at my wits end!
Tell her what she wants and what is going to happen are not the same thing. Sorry, not sorry.
1) Your sister is jealous. Her life has not worked out well, quite probably because of her own bad choices. Your life seems much better. She hates you for it, and fastens on any thing she thinks she can criticise. (I have a sister who is down this track too)
2) Your mother is ashamed. She won’t let anyone in her house because it’s a mess and she knows it. She doesn’t really want you to see how bad things are. She hates to think that you will force change on her.
3) Sister and mother are feeding off each other. They each bitch about their own feelings, and build up each other’s anger.
You can’t win if you go hoping to help. You won’t have time to sort anything out, your mother will not be happy if you push for change, and your sister will be bitterly resentful if you show that you are more capable than her. You can’t get their lives back on track, you can’t reverse sister’s years of bitterness, you can’t make either of them more sensible. It’s hard, because you can see that this is stupid, and things could be better for both of them.
If you go, go together for the time that suits you, and plan simply to call in on your own for what may be your last contact with either of them. Take a little present and have a cup of tea. Do nothing more. Afterwards, remember the bits of the past that were better. Let go of the present and the future. Stop dwelling on it.
I hope that this might be at least one less difficult way to think about. Yours, Margaret
I would make it very clear that you are now a package deal and they can like it or lump it.
Do you see how they treat you like they are the only ones that matter? I think you have dodged a bullet by all of this coming to a head while you are still home.
Here's the thing, you don't need their permission to travel with your partner. If you want to go, go. Then if they get more ridiculous then they already are, you can do the tourist thing and tell them you are leaving early.
Truly, there is no choice here, it I'd two separate relationships that are not entangled in any way, shape or form.
Does your sister drink or do drugs?
Mum won’t forgive you if you did that. Leave her be. You made yiure choice. Why you doing this to mum? You have chosen your partner over mum now. So think about mum and her feelings
I have family in Europe, for them it is nothing to take month vacation in summer and then another.
In France, retired people have so many benefits with significant increase in caregiving allowances, services, free medical etc. I am sure Scotland would have similar, as generally lots of countries in Europe offer lots of support, maybe I am wrong.
Reality is you can only go away for so long leaving your business etc. Not feasible.
This family caregiving business is a tough one. On one hand the caregiver in Scotland is probably thinking I did this all these years and you can't even show
up for two months.
Sister on the other side of the pond is thinking, "realistically" who do you know today who can leave their job for two months and probably not have any income coming in and return to a job.
Oftentimes the one doing all the work just really wants some reassurance or some type of support--gift cards, money, a spa day, some type of I wish I could be there to do more but I have to keep my ship afloat here.
As I write this my brother is staying in a castle in Ireland--the other one was in Rome last week (my "dream" trip along with Florence) and baby sister who moved out of state "after Mom raised her kids" and doesn't feel she needs to pitch in. When I ask my brother who is local to pitch in (again Mom babysat for free) he always responds, "I think I have Co-Vid". This is probably the 19th time he thinks he has Co-Vid.
There are NO families like the Hallmark and Lifetime movies. They are just that "only in the movies". Ask God to help you to accept the things you cannot change, the things you can change and the wisdom to know the difference.
When you have your own business, (at one time I owned and operated a business) there is no such thing as a vacation. If you are not there, you have no $$$ coming in. People think when you are a business owner that you are loaded. Overhead, utilities, inflation are killing small businesses.
Basically, sister here needs to say this is what I can do...end of story. If the "Scotland" sister doesn't want to accept that, it's not your problem, but I am sure
she feels taken for granted.
The caregiver needs to create your own happy little world. I just bought a pumpkin and a pot of mums at the supermarket. I'm going to go eat a chocolate Hershey bar now--my happy place!
I think also "Scotland" sister is trying to tell you look, just in case Mom passes, hop on the next plane and come before it's too late. At least she told you. She doesn't want you to have any regrets.
In all honesty I think women today sometime work too much. Taking care of children and your parents is really not something that people "today" step to the plate to do as in past generations. There is more help today than ever. Sports rule on the weekend and you are competing with materialism, eating out more than previous generations and people are buying homes that are too big in neighborhoods they can't afford and never have anyone over because they are exhausted with the upkeep.
All of the aforementioned has really put children (infants, toddlers, elderly) on the backburner. The one's who do for the loved one's can be seen as "well no one asked you to do it". They press your buttons and if you stand up for yourself they say it's too much you're getting ruffled and stressed.
Sounds like the plan needs to be refigured. Could you send your sister on a vaca and could you take over for one week and see what your sister goes through.
I don't make a lot of noise but I don't miss anything either and I don't give up my command post. Depends on what rules you are playing by.
Life costs a lot more today then it did in those past generations. A man went to work in those times and he earned enough to raise a family on and for his wife to stay home and not work. I'm all for both parents working. I grew up in poverty. My mother didn't work outside the home. She really didn't work all that much inside it either and we fended for ourselves most of the time.
Today both people have to work full-time jobs and then some to afford the same or less. People had their families a lot earlier in life then they do today. There was no such thing as the "sandwich" generation like there is now. No one had a baby in diapers as well as an elderly parent in them that they were responsible to care for both.
Also in past generations people died before diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's reduced them to total invalid vegetables.
As for the "no one asked you to do it". People get roped into the role of Designated Caregiver so easily without even realizing it's happening until it's too late. They don't deserve that. No one deserves to be enslaved to another person regardless of the relationship or necessity.
The OP's sister needs a break. She needs some outside help to take some of the responsibility for her mother.
I'm on a break myself. I will be moving from here after the new year. As it is I don't do anymore doctor's appointments for my mother or phone calls. My sister has been helping out with that. I did it soley for years along with everything else my mother needed or wanted and now I am done.
The OP's sister in Scotland needs to adopt this mindset. She will be a lot happier and less stressed out if she does.
Now, if you think you're at the end of your rope, think of what your sister's life is like. She's been at it for 15 years. Your mother doesn't want your partner coming. So she's already making fussy and ridiculous demands and you're not even there yet. Imagine what your sister has to cope with every single day.
Your sister I am sure has caregiver burnout. Having been the caregiver for 15 years now, she probably has serious depression too. She's been the one dealing with everything alone for a long time now. She needs some help. It's time for paid caregivers to take some of the responsibility. It's okay if she needs some help.
Tell your sister this. Then tell her and your that you love them both and want to come for a visit. Not to work as a caregiver. Let them know that your partner will also be coming considering that they do not own the nation of Scotland nor do they set that country's immigration rules on who can visit. Let them know that the two of you will stay in a hotel, but if it's a hotel then cut the visit to only a week.
You love your mother and sister. You're willing to fly across an ocean to see them. If that's not enough for them it's not your fault. That's on them, not you.
Speak plainly to your sister and let her know that you are not interested in her passive/aggressive guilt-tripping and not only will you not visit if it continues, but you will also stop calling.
Then leave the ball in their (mom and sister) court as they say. If they want a family visit with you they will call.
If they want you to come to be a caregiver for two months, the answer is 'no'.
No heart, and no brains. Perhaps that describes sister and mother too. Try not to worry - an old expression says "worse things happen at sea".
No one really cares who gets the Hummel collection or other crap that doesn't have all that much value as far as money or sentiment goes.
I hope the lesbian daughter did sell all the jewelry and bought her girlfriend something nice with the money.
I would not go. Get whatever social services involved, call mom's doc to find out the real story and plan for them to be angry with you.
There are some folks who can't be helped by mere mortals like us.
I honestly believed that beggars can't be choosers, my caregiving journey and this forum has proven how misguided I was. People that are beggars seem to be the most entitled, selfish bunch I have ever seen.
People that really love us, do not ever put us in these positions. I can see why you moved so far away.
If you cave to these threats and bullying, it will never end.
Personally, I would get social services involved, because something seems very off with your sisters behavior.
I have cared for my parents and now my mom basically myself for 9 years. She lives with me. I have siblings nearby but they are not here daily and I don't expect them to drastically change their lives. However, I expect them to support me in decisions, come over when they can and offer advice or assistance. Yes, I resent them sometimes after a bad day, but they have families as I do, I chose to have my parents live with me. My sister has nicely said she could not be a caregiver, and I agree.
Don't feel guilty for building your own life. Go over the 2 weeks, and check out all the assistance there is and try and set up something. Go back when you can for a long weekend or whatever your schedule allows.
As I said, I am primary caregiver and I don't expect my siblings to change their entire lives. They let me vent daily but not at their expense, only to get it off my chest so I don't go crazy!
Unfortunately some people enjoy laying the guilt trip.
Good luck and don't beat yourself up!
Your mom is doing what's called triangulation. That's why your sister is mad at you. Mom only wants family and sissy is it by reason of proximity and choice.
You should encourage your sister to step away if she really can't cope anymore. Make it very clear that you aren't any type of solution but, you will support her decision and back her when mom uses her tactics to press the guilt.
My mom is a hoarder and doesn't want anyone to see her mess, meaning no acceptance of help desperately needed. I have done the big clean up, only to find the hoard gets worse with each clean up. I will never clean for her again, period.
I have found that social workers don't care about housekeeping unless it is truly unsafe. I think they are unjudgemental and looking for what help can be provided. Maybe, having someone call mom and explain that they have seen it all and only want to help her stay in her home would get her to agree to at least talk with them.
I want to encourage you to not own this situation. You are not stuck. You can intervene and devastate mom or you can wait for the crisis that creates change, you have choices. I wouldn't go visiting based on sisters vitriol and I wouldn't listen to her anymore. Stay in touch with mom and go visit when and for how long it works for you and your life. Lots of people don't see their loved ones on their deathbed, it is NOT a cause for guilt. Love them both the best you can and know that their choices have consequences that are ALL theirs.
Having and enforcing boundaries is a wonderful thing, remember that when they try to send you on a guilt trip.
1. You spending time with your Mom.
2. Your sister needing a break.
I suspect your sister has morphed them together, but I see them as separate.
1. Ask your sister to set up some video calls with your Mom.
Of course it not the same as a real visit, a real hug but it IS contact. If your Mom can talk this way, see your face, it could bring a lot to both of you.
The added bonus is if the end does come a little earlier than expected, you can send a video message so quickly.
If you get a wall of refusal.. question this. Why would your sister want to restrict your contact with Mom? Isn't she saying she wants you to have more??
Your sister is telling you to come. OK. She is there & sees the daily changes. But insisting on 2 months 🤔.
That gets my suspicions up.
Is she planning to escape once your feet hit the ground. Pull the old *your turn!* & run?
2. Yes your sister probably needs a break. But like so many who write in, she may have her expectations wrong. Sisters or siblings do NOT need to provide equal care. Those that volunteer to be caregiver, have to take responsibility for THEIR choice. Instead of blaming others for not 'saving' them, they need to save themself. If they need more help - arrange more help. If they need to step back or even quit entirely - they they do so.
I would try some directness with your sister.
Good clear communication.
- Does she need a break?
- Is she wanting you to take over for 2 months?
Be clear back.
Explain you live overseas & cannot be that help she needs. Advice her to find alternatives. To find services to help. (Mother's funds should pay for these).
I would also try (if this is possible) to get updated medical information direct from Mom's main Doctor.
I know of someone who was told their Mother had had a terrible accident, was gravely injured, come now. They flew across the world to find their Mother had missed a step boarding a bus & sustained a bad bruise. (I think the handbag was damaged more).
The culprit behind the call was panicked & overwhelmed. Also deluded as to what family living overseas could & would do towards daily tasks, aging support & future ADLS.
Your sisters rage is directed at you because she can't direct it at mom. Dealing with a nightmare single handedly is absolute h*ll. Who wouldn't be furious. Your sister wants happiness, peace, freedom, options, a life. It's not your fault either. These are just logistical circumstances.
I spelled my sister from caring for my parents once a month for 4 days and gave up my vacation time before we hired someone to come in 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, but I only lived 4 hours away, saved all time off for my parents and it only cost me about $300.00 a month.
Your sister enraged because of the lack of support and fatigue.
Btw, is there a cousin you could call that you'd pay to help your sister, or perhaps nursing student?
Bringing up your partner is cruel. One does not choose a partner over their mom unless their partner is sick or handicapped. Besides, if your partner is worth their salt, that person will understand, (the shoe could be on the other foot one day). It's a crappy argument. Way more reasonably important is your livelihood which is nothing to play with.
It's tough that your sister is holding the bag, so to speak, but that's the reality of it because of the distance and your work situation. You're not working for the government. You don't get family leave if it is your business.
Speak directly to your mom's MD to get the definitive low-down about her health and any recommendations.
Contact The Scotish Social Services Council.
You probably have this already: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/help-for-adults-in-the-community-s/social-care-and-support-s/
and ask if they would look in on your mom without divulging who intiated the request. Tell them that they must keep the source anonymous or your mom will sever communication with you. It may be their practice anyway to keep such information private. Perhaps a social worker can suggest that they are there as a result of an anonymous call from a concerned local person, maybe a neighbor, a church member or someone from her local market.
You're probably more adept at researching the internet than I am and I found tons of resources in Scotland UK.
Go to Scotland for two weeks. Research your brains out for contacts and before you go make solidly confirmed appointments with your mom's doctors. Make those two weeks count. Find aids. Find your sister support groups.
How long has it been since you last spoke or saw to your mom?
Tell your sister that you're sorry that she is the one to carry this weight but you know of many other siblings that are in this predicament and that you will do as much as you can remotely. Tell her you appreciate what she's doing and you know it's mind numbing.
If you can arrange to get your sister help, buy her a gift certificate to for a spa day. Next month send her a gift certificate to a restaurant. Keep doing things like that.
The truth of the matter is, if your mother dies before you see her, that outcome is on YOU, not your sister, nor is it any of her business how you wind up coping with that situation, should it happen (God forbid). That's a cheap shot she's taking at you in an effort to goad you into flying there to 'relieve' her of her duties, nothing more.
You're not 'choosing your partner over your mother' for petesake, you live overseas and can't just drop everything to run to Scotland b/c your sister is tired and burned out. Yes, you can plan a trip for 2 weeks (if that's what you're able to manage) and that won't achieve some magical panacea for either one of them. You're not some fairy princess who'll swoop in, wave her magic wand and fix the myriad issues they BOTH face in that home. Who's kidding who??
Whether you're a 'bad daughter or sister' is a matter of how YOU feel in YOUR heart. What constitutes 'enough' in these women's world? What if you were to go over there for 2 months, as demanded. Would that then be 'enough' after they see it didn't fix a darn thing? Then what? Then you're accused once again of being a 'bad daughter/sister' because they're back in the same predicament they were in all along, since you're not the magical fairy and haven't been all along.
No, what needs to happen here is that the two women in Scotland have to figure out what help they need aside from YOU, to come into mom's home to help them manage their daily crises. Then go about and arrange for that help. Maybe your sister is not mentally equipped to make such arrangements, I don't know the answer to that. When you fly out there, perhaps then YOU can see for yourself what's going on, how sick mom really is (or isn't), what condition the house is in, what needs fixing, what sort of help would best suit her, etc. That is probably the best thing YOU can do for the TWO of them: lay fresh eyes on an old problem that exists between these two women. Then go about helping them get the assistance they need before you leave to fly back to the USA.
Making a choice to live in the USA doesn't make you a bad person. Not being able to fly overseas for 2 months at a pop doesn't make you a bad person either. Just do what you're able TO do and let everything else fall away, including the guilt trip nonsense twisted sissy is laying on you. That's my suggestion. "Letting mom die in her own home eventually" b/c she's too humiliated to have a social worker go in there is not okay. Nope. Sorry mom, no can do. If the house is hoarded or unlivable, then she needs to be placed in managed care which a SW would be able to determine. You can make that decision when you get there, too.
Best of luck.
I don't understand what a social worker would do? If your sister is being paid by NHS to "do" for your mom and she's not doing that job, will she be relieved of those duties?
Is it your sister who hoards only, or mom and she both? It's a pretty serious mental illness, hoarding and not easily treated.
Does your mom see a doctor? Can you communicate with her/him about what's going on and see if THEY will step in and send a SW or other professional to assess mom's situation?
Sometimes as adults we have to make our peace with our parents being angry with us when we see a situation that appears to be overwhelming them.
- advise the person/s
(of your concerns, of where to find help, of alternative ways/services)
- let them decide
(called 'dignity of choice')
- consequences are theirs
At any time you can revisit the cycle & advise again.
They may at some time (hopefully) choose differently & alter their course.
This really helped me. I hope it helps you, even if a little.
Seems to me her taking the time to go over for two months will do no good. The sister has options but the mother does not want to take advantage of them. So what is the OP going to be able to do if she has no support from Mom. Mom just wants things her way. Probably would love to have OP living in Scotland again to care for her. There is a reason OP left Scotland and came to the US.
Just my opinion, take the two weeks, maybe longer if you can. If Mom doesn't want the partner than maybe he/she should stay home. This visit you need to evaluate the situation. Is Mom as bad as Sister says? If so, then you need to bring in Social Work to evaluate Mom for services. You all sit there while SW explains what they can do to help Mom. You make it clear to SW that you live in the US and do not plan to return to Scotland to live. Make both sister and Mom aware that you will not be moving back. Not so much because you have a partner but because you have a business and a life in the US.
"I go there to cook and clean up." Some vacation huh but one less thing sister has to do. Yes, Sister is burned out and its because of Mom not because you are not there. Sister needed to set boundries long ago but I understand a manipulative mother. Sis thinks your the answer/option. Your not, either is she. Mom needs to allow help into her home. One of our members said this the other day :
"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn"
Ask Mom what do you think will happen to you if something happens to Sister? If like in the US, APS can come in and remove her from her home if she cannot care for herself. Better she gets things set up now and does as much as she can for herself if she wants to stay in her home.
No, your not a bad daughter. Your caught between a rock and a hard place. I think our elders forget what it was like to hold down a job. You have to work. Your lucky you own your own business. If you worked for someone else you may not be able to take a 2 week vacation, let alone 2 months. And Sister doesn't seem to know what its like to be responsible to an employer. She is burnt out and is not even allowed to take advantage of what is available because Mom won't allow it. Your sister is blaming the wrong person and you can't be the option.
So go over see if u can talk Mom into some help because sister is burnt out. If you get everything set up, come home and Mom again refuses help, you have done what you can. Sis is going to have to learn to set boundries.
And yes, your husband or lifelong partner do become your #1. Once children are on their own, we let them go to live their own lives. You hope that they can be there to help when you need them but you never rely on that. We all need to rely on ourselves.
Instead of guilt try to change to the other word, grief. Grief that the end of life is coming, grief that your sister feels alone and helpless, grief that her fear and worry is manifesting in what she learned at her Mom's knee--trying to instill guilt in others to get her way. Grief that not everything can be fixed. Grief that end of life is so difficult with so many losses and so much helplessness.
You can't make this right. You will ALWAYS have tough feelings to face down from this. When my Mom was in her last days her constant falls, bladder infections, difficulties meant that she had to move into ALF in her last --as it turned out--WEEKS only. My brother and I both went and we stayed with her, helped her move from her studio in the same "village" to the ALF. She hated this move, and she was so self sufficient prior to the end. Though my Aunt was already at the ALF and it was a lovely place, my Mom, asking me for one of the few things she ever asked from me, looked at me and said "Is there no way I can stay in my own little home here" and I, working and with family, not yet retired, and half the country away had to say "Oh.....Mom.......I am so sorry. It just isn't safe anymore". Here was I thinking she had months left, but she had only weeks. Had I known that I could/would have stayed home with her. I have such terrible memories of that time, such inner pain. But I recognize it as PAIN and GRIEF. My brother and I were doing the best we could, all we could think to do, and my Mom knew that and accepted it. That makes it a bit easier.
Life is full of heartbreak. Happily most of us pull joy out of it, as well. I am so sorry for this dilemma and it is so sad you have a sister in this much distress. Try to recognize it as that and let her know you do. Tell her you are sorry she is saddled with the larger part of all of this. DO visit for the two weeks and when her distress and fear manifests as anger just respond gently telling her you are sorry, and recognize that she feels alone and abandoned, but you aren't a Saint and you aren't God and you can't make this OK for any of you, no matter your wishes. As to your having regrets? Yes. You will. And you will mourn them when you feel them. And you will move on. That's what life is.
My heart so goes out to you all and I wish you all the very very best.
Stay at a hotel to have some place to decompress at the end of the day.
Then you and your partner can go over and help get things implemented.
Unfortunately, your sister is like your mom. You have to let her threats go, they are intended to use F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) to manipulate you. You can tell her you are not listening to her nonsense and hang up.
It is okay to say no. Your mom and sister can accept help or not, that doesn't make you responsible to forsake your life to allow them to do whatever they want.
Your sister might be burned out but, that doesn't justify verbally attacking you. She needs to encourage mom to accept every bit of help available or stop dumping on you. She doesn't have to prop mom charade of independence up, she chooses too.
Remember, they both think they have the right to say no, this applies to you too. If needed, remind them of that fact.
Go there an help her out for a month or so. You can have your bills directed there or pay them online (the interweb is a worldwide phenomena). I can't address your relationship, but if a partner can't deal with a two-month absence during a family emergency, then I wouldn't think too much of them. As for calling your sister irresponsible for not being able to hold a job because of absences, seems she is being very responsible in even offering cursory care for your mom.
If you just don't want to be bothered by the inconvenience of caregiving, just own up to it.
I have no idea how the UK Healthcare system works. What your sister is looking for is called respite care here in the States.
Would hospice be appropriate? Are your mom's health problems being actively investigated and treated?
Your sister seems to be sending several messages:
1. She needs a break
2. Mom wants to see you.
3. There has been a decline in mom's health that is worrying her.
See if you can sort these all out and address them each.