How do I decide what stays and goes from house after parents move to independent living?

The OP has not been back since this post in March.

We tried to do the 'estate sale' thing when we moved Mother and Dad into brother's house (they had added on an apt for this purpose). I know for a fact we didn't clear $200 that day.

It was awful for mother. All her possessions being sold--or worse yet, NOT being sold b/c they were of no value. We simply had to be tough, b/c we HAD to sell the house. Selling off the stuff they couldn't take piece by piece...nobody had that kind of time!

After the sale days were done, the men just loaded up pickups and made several trips to Goodwill. Mom spent a few years mourning the loss if some of the weirder things (an industrial meat slicer that weighed about 50 lbs and took up a huge amount of space--That kind of thing.) And there were a couple trips to the dump. It was sad, really, but a warning to all of us to not overfill our lives with 'stuff'.

Eventually she settled down and I think forgot about a lot of the stuff.

We did NOT pack and store anything but their financial info and a few personal items, diaries, love letters between GGma and GGpa...but truth is, mom was a hoarder and kept way too much.

We had a tight timeline in which to empty and clean the house. It was a sad and depressing end to a life in their dream home. This is, sadly, very common.

We just emptied MIL's house after she passed (in a NH). I was not allowed to be involved, as I am an inlaw--but the sibs worked and worked to empty & clean the house. No emotions--just hard work. They found that they literally could NOT 'give away' her stuff.

DH showed absolutely no emotion. OB either. YS cried a lot, but then , she liked her mother. Dh and OB were just glad she was gone. They didn't take anything from her house, except a few books.

In the end, none of us can take anything WITH us when we die--maybe doing the downsizing is a blessing in disguise. IDK. It's hard, no matter what.

In our situation, YS felt incredible guilt, but the boys? They were stone faced throughout all of the last year. I guess not caring makes it easier?

As you toss things, do take a second to let yourself feel, not guilty, but a little sad b/c nobody wants to do this. Acknowledge that you're doing what has to be done. Don't ignore those feelings, but don't feed them, either.

Good Luck.

"And you are facing the loss of your parent and all the "stuff" they had that they loved, and that made them who they are.
(...)
We cannot take these things to the grave with us."

Well spoken, AlvaDeer.

Though I am in the privileged position that both of my parents have passed I still very well identify with the "guilt-question" of not keeping/storing all of their stuff. My Dad was passionate photographer, leaving bazillions of photos (printed, framed, digitalized). After their death I tried to sort this visual legacy out, but after some months gave up.

Should my home really become a museum of my parents' lives? Furniture, paintings, letters, and all these damned photos? Hell no! The dead are dead for a reason, so that the living can live, breathe, make their own decisions and their own experiences.

I recently meditated (for the same problem) on the biblical story of Lot's wife. And I realized that I do not want to turn into a salt figure, just because I refuse to look forward. The bible tells us on multiple occasions not to be eaten up or hindered by (false) guilt towards our ancestors.

Hi Birdee - You've gotten great advice on this already, so I'll just respond to the one sentence of yours that stuck out for me - which was, "For those who cleaned out their parents home, how did you handle the guilt that they put on you?"

I would answer that by asking - so another words, YOUR PARENTS didn't financially prepare for this properly and are now placing the work and pressure on YOU to resolve every part of their situation....Are THEY feeling any guilt for putting all of this on you?? I bet not! And yet, out of all that you're doing to help them, on top of that, they're giving you the gift of Guilt? That's very generous of them!

If you simplify it that way, I do hope it relieves any possible "guilt" that you may feel. And whatever residual "stuff" that they have - that's all it is - "stuff" - it's just downsizing and if you provide it to a charitable organization or a company that buys estates in its' entirety, you can feel satisfied that you're providing these items to others who are in need - so it's all for a good cause and purpose!

Guilt?
You didn't cause it and you can't cure it so quilt is off the table. You are feel the other g-word which is grief. And you are facing the loss of your parent and all the "stuff" they had that they loved, and that made them who they are.

We cannot take these things to the grave with us.
I am sure you would like to be angry at being left with the mess instead of faced head on with things that remind you of all the loss.

Weep over it and then TOSS IT.
I have already, at 81, given my kids what I would like them to have, and given up a lot of the collections and things I liked that honestly they have no interest in, having their OWN stuff. Any photo albums are torn down, duplicates and similars tossed, and put in a label box with "Look through once and toss). Sorry, but we live so long that our kids are RIGHT BEHIND US. My SIL just had his 70th.

Get rid of it. Stop being invested in "stuff". You have your own and don't need theirs and they don't need theirs now either. Make a photo album of memories, a collaged scrapbook of pictures of this stuff and sell it, toss it, donate it and move on.

For a while I missed some few things. A very SHORT while. And I love the clean, spare open spaces now. I don't need a picture of Pere LaChaise to remember walking those paths. I can do it in my brain any time I wish. And it is MY memory. No one else wants or needs it.

Offer the breakables to a Rage Room, or set up your own, lol. Actually, there is evidence that 'venting' anger by yelling or smshing things just makes it worse, but I find it fun to smash things sometimes. As does my 10 year old grandson. Don't forget protection- good lesson for the future ones...

I contacted the Jewish Women’s Council in Los Angeles. They had a detailed list of items they’d take a what they wouldn’t take. They took sellable kitchen items, a full set of undamaged China, everyday dishes, some beautiful coats and vintage clothing. They sent a truck to pick up the boxes I had packed. I’m a home stager so I offered accessories to other stagers. When it came to putting the house up for sale, I rented furniture and had my painter freshen it all up.We called a furniture removal service for the bulkiest items. In the end, they sent me an itemized receipt for everything they sold in the amount of $2500. A nice tax deduction that made up for the amount of time prepping the house for sale. If you have a trusted local realtor, they will have lots of vendors to recommend. Yes, it’s a lot of work but there are lots of options to make it easier. Good luck!

Look into estate sales and those folks that will buy all the contents of home. The latter cuts you a check for everything and carts it all away.

Can you afford to rent a storage space, or find storage space at your own home?
Only temporarily, to get their house cleared out for sale, and giving you more time to separate from their belongings. And only store stuff you or your parents feel might be valuable. Everything else gets tossed!
You might be able to enlist someone who sells on consignment to go through and help with identifying what might be worth selling. You can sell items from the storage space. It may give your parents peace of mind to know their belongings are still available to them.

Birdee24: This was a difficult task that I had to do after having had to move in with my mother in her house out of state from me. She passed away and I had to put her house on the market. Fortunately, I have a super organized husband as I was the past the point of exhaustion and couldn't clear out a house.

For you, the key word is going to be - organization. What is perceived to be an item of high value, often is not.

As I didn't go through this 'per se,' perhaps my comments / feedback is not appropriate. I cleared out a 3 bedroom home collected with everything (incl filing and papers) for over 18-20 years. My friend-companion was already in a nursing home. He came back 'home' for two weeks and then had to go into another nursing home so I could 'really' clear it out.

* Instead of trying to get rid of guilt, and emotionally and mentally separating from the task / feelings, invite them in and listen to what those 'parts' say to you. You might even want to write them down in a column - what 'they' say and how you respond.

The more you try to push away feelings, the more they will stick to you like molasses.

The column of what you are doing "I am doing this for my parents.
I feel for them, I feel deep compassion and this needs to be done now.
This transition is really hard and I am very sad. My heart is breaking.

Give yourself a 'note' (column) for self-compassion and how you can do that.

These transitions are never easy; they are gut wrenching.
Try to give yourself breaks.
While I hear it is only the two of you and your partner doesn't want to be involved, I would re-search organizations that 're-home' people with furnishings. Some organizations NEED what you have for others - that may have been homeless and moving into a new / apt. These organizations are around although it may depend on where you live. Do check out and see.
* You could post some on Next Door or perhaps Facebook or some area to give away.
* It might be possible to 'leave as is' for the next buyer (?) and deduct from the purchase price for them needing to go through the house. In other words, "as is" although the realtor may not agree / allow. You could leave it up to the realtor too - perhaps - they want to sell the house and might feel motivated to take this on - and pay a company to clean it out.

You mom will likely always think / want her belongings no matter of their value. It is her life / her history.
And, this is her independence being challenged / confronted. SHE IS SCARED and ANGRY (as I remember you said before they moved out). It will take the time it takes for her to regroup. You cannot 'make her' feel any certain way and certainly logic won't help at all. Focus on her feelings - losing, loss, grief, fear of the future. While giving her venting time, consider how much time you can do 'per vetting session' as you too need to listen to your feelings - and step back as you need to. Don't deplete yourself. Take breaks.

This is certainly not easy for her or you. Self compassion and compassion for her is really important. I would suggest you listen to her (reflective listening).
Do you argue or say "but I can't sell it ..." or anything.
It will only upset her more.
Do say "I really understand how you feel. . .
I know you want to keep your xxx.
I know this is really hard for you.
This is really hard for me too."

Personally, I put several items of my friend-companion in a storage unit - which I really can't afford ... after six months, I am ready to give away a really lovely piece of furniture I'd love to keep but I don't have any room and I can't afford to keep paying 'rent' for something I cannot use now or in the foreseeable future.

It is really a GRIEVING process. Letting go.
Lean on your family (?) and friends as much as you can for support.
Take breaks as you can.
Get students / volunteers in there (through churches?)
Talk to your guilt. "I feel you lurking in my head." Okay - tell me everything you want - and I'll respond afterwards." (I learned the model "FOCUSING" decades ago which in part is having a dialogue with words / thoughts ... listening, giving them a voice, then see what what say (and boy do they say A LOT - I've been doing this for decades and I am still surprised at what comes up). This might be too involved although do what you can - don't stuff in - allow space to process through. Gena / Touch Matters

Oh, I feel for you, this is so hard. I've done three clean-outs/moves in a year (well, in fairness, two and a half. My mother sold her house and moved to an independent living apartment, then six months later thought it'd be a good idea to move again to a smaller apartment!) My in-laws had a house full plus two large outbuildings of stuff accumulated over 50+ years. FIVE dumpsters full discarded. We worked on that every other day from April through August. Most of the stuff was pretty worthless, but had sentimental value for my husband, so we ended up with way too much of it moved to our house. I'd have loved to hire a clean-out company to just come and get it all, but it would have been cost prohibitive. We did a little of everything; had a couple of junk dealers come and get stuff; one was willing to take things for free (to sell for scrap), one charged us to take a few large items. We had an estate sale and sold some things. We donated a ton of stuff to Goodwill, Salvation Army, whoever else would take it. It was mostly the two of us working on it, though we had a couple of days when we had our adult children, niece and nephew come and work on it. They took a few mementos as well. My nephew and my oldest son in particular put in some time and we paid them $20 an hour from the estate (my husband was executor).

When my mom moved, my brothers helped with the sale and on moving day, but I did all the sorting through with her to decide what to take and what to sell or give away. It was, in some ways, more frustrating than the much much bigger job of doing an estate clean-out. My mom is still very much "with it" but it was difficult for her to sort through her things and make the decisions. The stress of the move really messed with her. She'd get indecisive, take forever on each little item. She was much better the second time; not as much she needed to give away, and her community was able to accept her organ as a donation, which made her feel good.

It takes a lot of work and organization and even creativity to figure out how to get everything done. Get help wherever you can!

I had to get my brother’s house sold, from the other side of the country. He’s a veteran, a bachelor, with dementia. He had lived alone in the house for 20 years. I talked frankly with the realtor I found, who ran a family business in the area for decades. She took us under her wing. She had a crew of workers. They salvaged a few critical items, but otherwise we gave her free rein to clean up and clean out as needed. They hired a dumpster, cleaning service, painter, floor refinisher, yard guy and they really did a great job. She kept me in the loop by phone, Facetime, text, and email.
The results were fantastic and it was well worth the expense! And the home sold within a week of going on the market.
I know it is awful to deal with, but it might help if you could separate yourself emotionally and not feel you have to hang onto things because your parents are trying to cling to the past. It’s all just STUFF.

Cleaning out the house was one of the hardest things "I" had to do. So overwhelming!!! What mom thinks is valuable has no effect on what you need to do. I made many trips to a donation center and I had a coworker who had a pickup that took items to the junkyard. He also cleaned the carpets/ floors,bathrooms for me. I paid him around $700,of which some went to the junkyard. I,too, was the only one doing anything. Brothers said they would have a garage sale, offered them half of the sale proceeds. Six months later, I'm like okay just get what you want out of there! I needed to get the townhouse sold, just like you! One brother said get a dumpster and I would've but the cost was ridiculous not to mention that I had to get a permit to have it on the street! No guilt because it's a thankless job and you are in charge. You've taken on a responsibility and you do what you can without driving yourself crazy with family issues. They'll probably come back later if your parents pass, looking for their share, sorry. That's how most of them are. I always think about the children's book, The little Red Hen. She asks everyone to help her get the ingredients to make bread and no,they can't help! But when it comes time to eat the bread, they're there!!! She turned around and told them off and ate the bread all by herself! Family is going to be there after all the work is done. I strongly suggest that your parents make a will and a medical directive too! It's a known fact that they may decline in health due to moving from a long time residence. I, if I knew what I was getting into, would not be POA. The legalities are a b*tch,if you don't physically burn out, the mental well-being is threatening. Oh,please care for yourself and pace the job at hand. I hope everything is satisfactory with the title of the house and insurance up to date. Find a friend who works for cheap, lol! I was able to do so because I offered him anything he wanted out of the haul.

Deal with it as if THEIR daughter is your CLIENT. It’s a transaction/job. You will never be appreciated but the payoff is YOUR peace of mind/closure for this step.

Hi. Faced this same dilemma 3x since my Dad passed in 2020. Moms x-country move from NY to NV; then to AL Apt and now to MC suite. Our parents are from a generation that equated status with the accumulation of possessions—art, crystal, china, etc. While they believe them of great value, nothing has value unless there’s a buyer for it.

i offered all remaining items to siblings, children and grandchildren. After that I held a sale; after that I made massive donations. Yet, I still have art work piled under every bed and couch in my house; collectibles I did not choose on display throughout my house. IT’s TOUGH to get rid of their prized possessions. Choose some to hang onto, and over time get rid of the rest.

I've found NextDoor and FaceBook Marketplace great resources for giving Mom/Dad’s stuff a second life. Good luck.

That brought back memories of cleaning out my parents house after my Mom had passed and Dad decided it was time to move into a senior living facility. Dad loved his books, he had 200 of them. Told him he need to narrow down the books, and he did. The standing joke was Dad took 199 of his books with him to senior living :)

I tried to get someone to do an estate sale on what was left in the house. I got the feeling the companies weren't interested unless the paintings were by Monet and the furniture had sat in Buckingham Castle.

Got a great idea from someone here on the forum, to swap out things. I looked around my own house to see what I could swap out for something of my parents. Now I have most of their table lamps, and I donated mine. Got some of Dad's bookcases which he handmade. Pudding bowls now hold paperclips. And my parents unusual bookends are now holding up my books :)

For the furniture, called in Goodwill and the Salvation Army. Anything left over, used a local hauling service. Expensive glassware and jewelry went to a hospital yearly rummage sale. I still have an early 1900 encyclopedia, heavens knows what to do with that, as my 3 or 4 year old self took to drawing on the pages.

When I faced that problem I let my sister deal with it. When in doubt delegate to another family member

I just went through moving myself and husband with dementia. I started with a junk dealer to pick up real junk. Sold very few items. Our sons took care of selling the house.

Most important. I simply put any feelings of sadness or guilt on a shelf never to be removed.

We haven't looked back. Not going that way. Your parents won't either once settled.

I just went through this less than a month ago. I was completely alone to do this job (I am an only child) and my stepmom is a hoarder (I didn't realize the degree until I started to try to clean out on my own. I chose to go the route of hiring an estate sale person. Personally - I had to detach and let them takeover entirely. I too needed to get the house on the market and told myself if the sale could generate enough money to pay for the estate people and then enough money for someone to haul out what didn't sell I would be in good shape (I simply didn't have the time or manpower to do it o my own). We got lucky - we made a significant profit from the sale, even after the clean out phase. We also had someone see the house and offer to purchase cash, as is. I found after about 2 months of going over every weekend and spending 16 hours a weekend it was making me sad, angry and bitter. Ultimately, I picked a few items that reminded me of my parents (both my dad and stepmom are in memory care - VD and unspecified dementia due to brittle diabetes), for me it was VERY hard to take items as they are still alive. So I simply took a few things I knew I would treasure, Dad's bible for example. Then I had to separate myself from the process - I get that this doesn't work for everyone. I wish you the very best of luck...I don't think anyone understands how hard this part is unless you are going through it <3

I have done this clean-out 2 ways on 2 homes of elderly (my mom and her sister). 1 way was to get an estate seller to give me a price and timeline. The other way was to ask the real estate agent for guidance. For the estate seller, it was very good. She was compassionate and helpful and set it up, did the sale and had the left over items carted away to charities and gave me a donation slip for those items and a check for the sold items. For the other sale, it was mostly no value and the agent said to take what we wanted and he had connections with a group that cleaned the place out for a charity and tossed the unusable. It would have been harder doing it myself because of my knowledge of mom’s things.

I used a company called Caring Transitions. They evaluated for an estate sale and provided a quote. They also gave me a quote for clearing and donating the usable items, trash removal, and final cleaning. I did initial sort to locate important documents and family heirlooms and moved out anything I might want to keep (still sorting some boxes). My parents did not have a lot of high value items for a sale, so I chose the donation route. They did all the work, and local agencies to help those in need got some nice things to help others. I cannot recommend the Toledo branch of Caring Transitions highly enough. They were great.

We went through this with momma when her doctor said that she needed 24 hr care and we moved her into assisted living. She went from a 2700 square foot house to a one bedroom studio apartment in assisted living. We did ask her what furniture and other special things she wanted to keep. I went through her clothes with her but her studio apartment had a huge closet so that part went pretty good I thought until then I heard a comment from my sister that momma said I got rid of too much of her clothes and shoes. She couldn't wear 98% of her shoes anyway because of balance issues. Your talking about 2 inch heels. We moved her when she was in rehab and had her new studio all decorated by the time she got out. Took a while to sell her house. She critized the way we decorated it but we tried to keep it to her liking and taste. I had to explain to her on a number of times that not everything is going to fit. I did feel for her though that all or almost of her things were gone but I do think she was grieving. I was too. I did rent a storage unit for a while but that turned out to be a scam because once we had her stuff in the unit they went up on the fee almost twice the original amount. Had a hard time getting her stuff out of there after we cancelled. By the way we had no help from bro but had help from neices husband. Could not have done it without him. Her house was not paid for with a mortgage of $1400.00 a month plus the yard maintenance, bug man and housekeeper and the fact that she was being taken advantage of by bro and his wife. She was not driving and could not keep a check book by then anymore. It was emotional for me too because that house is the last time I saw dad alive. We lost him almost 14 years ago but if you try to think of what is the best thing to do for momma, you and financial it was the right decision to make since I am her caregiver and live out of state. Also dad purchased momma a LTC policy and it pays every dime of that $6000.00 a month for her assisted living as long as I stay on top of them to process her paperwork. After we lose her it will be up to me and my husband to clean out her apt as usual and I think we have four days from the assisted living facility before we are charged and I am going to hire help. Husband can only miss so many days of work and it will be unpaid. I have a mobility issue with a bad foot. Cannot be lifting solid wood furniture. She doesn't have near as much stuff as if she was in her house but to get everything done I have already decided. I will pay for it out of momma's funds. I am trustee and everything else. Not even going to ask help from bro.

You can talk up how wonderful it is to give their items to charity, which could be Goodwill, Habitat for Humanity, or any thrift shop of your choice. You can rent or say you rented a space at a warehouse where all their stuff goes. Cost will depend on size of the space. You can get rid of things as you wish while mom still thinks she has them somewhere. You can take pictures of the items she holds so dear, get rid of them, and present her with the pix later (or not, since she may forget about all of them soon anyway).

About the guilt: After the five plus years that it took both of my parents to die, and the undue burden that they put on me, including their health and multitudes of legal problems, two homes and an apartment full of junk, offices and attics filled with things that hadn't seen the light of day in 60 years, I had no guilt. I was angry that they'd gone about their happy lives of horrendous accumulation without a care as to who would deal with this when they were no longer around. Five years of servitude to them plus five more years of dealing with their tangle of property, business, lies, legal issues and possessions cured me of guilt. Having no life of my own because of them was hard to bear for all that time, especially when I had health and other serious issues of my own to manage.

I advise you to get angry. It works wonders.

To be honest, guilt isn't appropriate. You didn't cause this. You can't fix it. This is GRIEF, not guilt.
You know you are close to losing loved ones and all the memories that makes them who and what they are/were.
You don't have energy to waste on such self-accusations.
It is on your parents that they have not downsized their lives, and that they haven't the funds to make the next payment on rent (which doesn't bode well for the future, by the way). It's not on you and it's not your fault.

That handled, on to the task at hand. I would call estate sale companies and ask if they will handle the clearing and sale for what profit they can make out of it. Or if they know any company that will. Then I would call hauling places and find out the same.

Saving stuff gets ridiculous. I am 81. None of this stuff is going to my grave with me. And my daughters are already up to their eyeballs in their own stuff. There's no one who has more useless worthless "stuff" than Americans. In San Francisco it is out on the streets free to the extent you could furnish a studio and supply your kids with toys for a year.

The storage company lockers in this country should be a lesson to us all. But somehow they aren't. We just keep getting them, paying for them, and filling them with stuff no one wants or will ever use again.

For me I would call 1-800-junk and have it cleared. But that's me. I have already cleaned up my own mess so that there will be little for my daughter to have to address. I was brought up by parents who did the same for me.

I love a piece that the brilliant Annie Dillard wrote--and I can't remember it exact--but it went something like "We live our lives as though hundreds of thousands haven't lived before us, and as though there were not hundreds of thousands yet to come".
That is so true. We imagine we are more than a blink of the eye. We aren't. Get rid of it. You may find yourself strangely made lighter.

And yup, we always think that someone must care that Great Aunt Irma's cut glass cheese dish, which still rings like a bell, is somehow still valuable to anyone (it isn't; the young don't collect, they game and play on the ipad), or that someone will pay for it (they won't; they never heard of cut glass).

Put a ad on Craigs List - Free - and either Place belongings On side walk or let people take the stuff . You would be surprised at How many responses you will get . Other people Just bring what they can to a Thrift shop Like Good will . I Gave all My Mothers good clothes to a Half way house for schizophrenic people .

Thank you, Geaton. I'm aware. At the risk of being salty, this doesn't answer my original question.

First, you tell those who won't help but are there telling you what to do " If you can do a better job than do it. If you don't want to do it, then keep your opinions to yourself. You may lose a friend or family member, though, by saying that.

You just do it. No emotions no sentimentality, you just do it. If those boxes are things she just bought, send them back unopened. Keeping track so you know if Mom gets a credit. The quickest way to get rid of stuff is an estate sale. You can hire someone to get it all set up and they take a % of the sales. You go in ahead and get the trash and clean out the junk. Estate sales bring in more money than yardsales. Anything left over, you give away to Thrift stores. You takeva room at a time.

Its almost April, June will be here before you know it, You need to roll up those sleeves and get it done. Tell Dad to keep Mom away from the house. You can put the house up for sale and clean out too.

Your original post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/help-me-decide-how-deeply-to-be-involved-with-low-contact-toxic-parents-486211.htm?orderby=recent

Also, your parents don't have PoAs. If you are inserting yourself in their situation to rescue them, prepare to be criticized by others, and get no gratitude from your parents (or Mom for sure). "The nail that sticks up gets hammered."

Where is your Dad in all this? Does he have cognitive or memory issues?

Your decision-making seems frozen. Please see a therapist. Learn about boundaries.

Personally, I would remove anything that I know is important, statements, birth certificates, legal docs, etc. or valuable and then I would hire an estate sales company. It costs nothing up front and takes away all of the emotional turmoil from you.

Another thing that will be beneficial is estate sales companies will straight out tell you if there is anything worth selling. This may mean a large dumpster in the front yard but, done is done and there are no options for this situation, it must get done rapidly.

Your mom now has her hands full with everything in her new home, so, don't bring up the sale or items or anything from her previous home. If she asks for something specific, tell her it's in one of the boxes at her apartment and move on to a different topic.

Best of luck getting the house cleared and sold with minimal upset for everyone. It is just stuff after all.